Schultz

by J. P. Donleavy

  “But now Schultz I think you will admit when you hear Binky’s little recital that he might teach you a lesson or two as an instrumentalist.”

  Binky sitting in his smilingly affable manner at the organ and boomingly playing a medley of tunes ending with a rousing trumpeting march. With Schultz jumping to his feet clapping. Binky modestly nodding and finally, crisply and clearly playing Handel’s organ concerto number two in B flat major. As he now stood bowing to Schultz’s rousing cheers.

  “Shit Binky that was fucking marvellous.”

  “Ah pleased you enjoyed it Schultz and now having had a most commendable evening with much soul stirring mutual admiration, may I your most humble and obedient servant thank you your Royal Grace and beg your permission to withdraw.”

  “Of course Binky.”

  “As you know one must arise before dawn to stalk your deer in your surrounding moorland hills and one’s eye must be bright and sharp in order that there be venison. Goodnight Schultz.”

  Binky departing the music room. His footsteps dying away along the echoing floors of the gallery outside. A wind blowing at the panes of window. The fragrant whiffs of wood smoke as little puffs arose from the chimney piece. The faint hoot of an owl.

  “Holy shit your Lordship Binky can do everything and he’s so fucking implacably urbane and nonchalant about it.”

  “Ah an Englishman Schultz although liking to be perfect at his pursuits, always prefers to give the impression of the amateur.”

  “But Jesus your Lordship, doesn’t Binky have any weaknesses.”

  “Yes I think he does, at least one Schultz.”

  “Well I’d sure as fuck would like to know what it is.”

  “Ballet.”

  “You’re kidding. Ballet. A weakness.”

  “Yes Schultz, Binky would do anything for the ballet. Anything. Even to suffering a court martial. As he did once being absent without leave from his regiment just as they were about to ship out.”

  “What just to watch the ballet.”

  “No Schultz, to watch a great ballerina dance. Binky had his Tobias stationed every late afternoon waiting to drive him to London to a performance and then through half the night back to base at six a.m. in the morning. And this one morning he missed his regiment as they shipped out.”

  “Holy shit.”

  “Binky has wrecked cars. Bought outrageous presents for his favourite dancers, showered entire companies with gifts. He even risked arrest in Russia impersonating an impresario with an enormous contract to present it to this ballerina to travel away with him on the same train to the same town just so that he could be in the same city alone with her. Of course his scheme didn’t succeed. But he did follow her across Europe wherever she danced. A story of infinite sadness. He simply lived to see her. Always the first in the audience to start clapping. The last to stop. Always on his feet shouting bravo even when she had already stood through as many as thirty curtain calls in cities like Prague, Leningrad, Moscow, Warsaw. There was Binky faithfully on his feet cheering. His flowers for her carried on stage for ten minutes at a time. The blossoms stacked around her like a funeral pyre. And later he would station himself at the stage door. Just for a momentary glimpse of her over the heads of the crowd. Then he would finally stand shivering knee deep in snow across the street from her hotel looking up at her window until her light went out.”

  “Hey Jesus stop your Lordship. Shit I’m crying.”

  “I’m sorry Schultz if I’ve upset you.”

  “Jesus that kind of hits me where I feel it. I always thought Binky was just one of those rich pukka public school boys who just liked being near the porno shows in Soho. I have a new respect for the guy.”

  “Of course later back in London he did finally impersonate a reporter of a daily newspaper and presented himself to the ballerina who was kind enough to receive him and he spent half an hour of her valuable time mumbling hardly able to speak and staring at her in abject awe until she gracefully relieved him of his misery when he confessed to being only a worshipping fan. And when he was leaving she accidentally touched him on the sleeve. And to this day Binky has never removed the jacket from its special place in his closet.”

  “Jesus I had no idea. I guess with guys like you with everything you got already, that the things you end up wanting are beyond the emotions of ordinary men.”

  “Ah Schultz I’m afraid that one just does not know what’s in any man’s heart.”

  “Fucking greed is in mine, even as much as I love the theatre. But holy shit, your Lordship, you know what I’m thinking. That religion does not teach the only important truth there is, that man saves his soul by money alone and to be rich is right and true and from that derives all beauty and justice.”

  “By god Schultz, although you are indeed stretching your imagination tonight.”

  You

  Have also

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  It all

  14

  “Your Lordship this has been the most blissful fucking time I have ever had in my entire life.”

  Sitting following tea on a rear stone porch above the shimmering moat. Orange backs of goldfish peeking above the water. Tiers of formal gardens stepping down to pasture stretching in a long valley vista of deerpark. The sun faint pink descending the misty heavens. Balmy breeze, buds bursting forth on shrubberies. Great shiny black winged ravens croaking their cries as they slid and tumbled over the treetops.

  “Ah Schultz I see your palate continues to appetize over the grapy green gleam in this wine.”

  “Shit, I’ll say it does.”

  Batters discreetly coughing as he shuffled out to place another bottle of Moselle in the ice bucket. Touching away the drops with his linen napkin as he replenished glasses.

  “Batters, next let us have a trockenbeerenauslese for Mr. Schultz. I think this dying afternoon invites discovery of further, better and perhaps sweeter particulars of the riesling vine.”

  “Very good my Lord.”

  “Holy shit your Lordship you’re going to get me god damn drunk.”

  “Ah Schultz, it can’t but do your hysteria a world of good.”

  “Jesus, who’s hysterical. I’m floating on a fucking cloud.”

  “You’ll be floating on a fucking bed of watercress in the moat Schultz if you lean back any further on your chair there.”

  “Holy shit, you’re right.”

  That morning Schultz lay abed. The country champagne fresh air flowing in his window. Breakfast brought tiptoe by the young footman across the red silk persian carpet and placed on a bed table over his lap. On the tray in a milk glass vase, a black fragrant rose. As they sat in the music room the previous evening Batters whisperingly taking his preference.

  “What do you suggest I should have Batters.”

  “Large or small breakfast sir.”

  “Large. With coffee.”

  “Then may I suggest half a grapefruit, followed by all bran cereal specially milled for his Lordship. With perhaps a sliced banana. Poached eggs. From our farmyard hens. Sausages. I recommend them. Made from his Lordship’s own peach fattened pigs. And do try some of our heather honey from his Lordship’s bees on our own toasted wholemeal bread. Our Ayrshire butter and cream is also a real treat sir. And I suggest, to finish sir, fresh figs.”

  “Hey hold it. What does his Lordship have for breakfast.”

  “One cup of very black very hot coffee and two cigarettes sir.”

  “Jesus when you got everything there is to eat. That’s what he has.”

  “Yes sir. Mid morning sir, his Lordship may occasionally have a banana. And we do try to keep a constant supply of his Lordship’s perfectly ripe bananas.”

  Breakfast brimming before him, Schultz watched this suddenly blue liveried servant light the log fire and depart beyond the green door. And sighing Schultz closing his eyes on this dream.

  “Holy shit, I could, if I had the fucking sense, end my life right here and now, right after I’ve had breakf
ast, a good crap, a nice hot bath and threw a spine electrifying fuck into this Roxana wherever she is. Hey Roxana, you’re all I need where the fuck are you.”

  “I’m here, sir.”

  “Holy shit, you are. Gee honey you gave me a scare. I’m sorry for my language and what I was saying.”

  “O that’s alright sir, upon occasion his Lordship when exasperated does use similar language.”

  “He does, no kidding.”

  “Yes sir.”

  “Hey how did you get in my bathroom.”

  “There is a secret servants’ entrance sir. I was tidying sir.”

  “Jesus, so that’s what happens. I wondered. I dropped a towel and came back in ten minutes there was a new one.”

  “Yes sir.”

  “O god.”

  “Is there something wrong sir.”

  “No.”

  “But sir, are you crying.”

  “That’s right. For joy. Now get out of here honey before I start chasing you around the room.”

  “O you wouldn’t do that sir you’re a gentleman.”

  “I might be for a couple of more minutes but not after I’ve had this breakfast.”

  In a stout motor with twelve forward and ten reverse gears, Schultz accompanied his Lordship around his domain. Up hillsides, down vales, rumbling across cattle grates, tearing across fields. Until his Lordship got marvellously stuck in a boggy patch and had a wonderful time shifting through the many gears and sending up spumes of spattering mud high into the sky as Schultz screamed.

  “Hey shit your Lordship stop don’t do that you’re ruining the nice grass.”

  Later by a pasture Schultz sat awed watching a calf being born. Its mother grunting and with a long groan squeezing her progeny plopping out steaming on the grass. The pink nosed little animal licked clean by its mother’s tongue and finally struggling to its feet nudging to find its mother’s teat.

  “Holy shit look at the fucking thing. Dumped right out on its head. And here it is in two minutes walking and sucking a tit imagine that. When it takes us two years to learn to stand up.”

  “Schultz I can see you have an enthusiasm for the country life. And unlike me you are made very calm by it.”

  “Calm, Jesus I’m excited out of my fucking mind by the magic wonder of it all. What the hell are you wasting time fooling around with showbizz in London when you could be here all the time enjoying this.”

  Schultz wide eyed toured the great walled gardens. With its cherry, apple, plum, pear and damson trees. The vast exotic conservatories and glasshouses. Sultry and full of vines, flowers and plants. Then walking through forests up hillsides where his Lordship had brief nervous words with his various foremen and nodded and smiled to the salutes from his endless staff.

  “Holy christ your Lordship, I mean this place is a fucking major production. Not only could you be feeding armies but you must be making money.”

  “Ah Schultz alas it is lack of that latter item you mention which makes what you see here slowly but surely creak towards a financial abyss. One merely waits for it all to tumble over the precipice into total ruination.”

  “Let me tell you, boy if I had this set up I’d keep it going and I’d never go out my fucking front gate for the rest of my life.”

  “But indeed Schultz for the rest of your life, you might instead then go out of your fucking mind.”

  Binky had with two head shots killed two stags. And following an afternoon nap now appeared in the doorway facing the stone porch terrace. Smilingly resplendent in tweed jacket, cream cricket shirt, pink dotted mauve cravat, chamois gold buttoned waistcoat and bright green socks peeking between his grey flannel cuff and suede shoes.

  “Jesus christ Binky that’s the only fucking word for you. Urbane. It really is.”

  “Schultz you flatter me. And by the sentimental gleam in your eye I can tell that his Amazing Grace has recently told you some heart warming sentimental story about me. As I beseat myself, pull up my socks and pull my finger out. And appropriately here the two of you are. A contented picture. His Royal Grace’s acres stretching endlessly beyond to the horizon. Indeed Schultz, one might even think you more than just ordinarily handsome in such a setting. Even a man of some spiritual accomplishment. In the nature of which only a few selected Church of England neutered Archbishops may boast.”

  “Binky I swear I’m completely dazed.”

  “You Schultz, dazed. Rubbish. I don’t believe it.”

  “At this exact moment I’m not even thinking of where my next piece of ass is coming from.”

  “Ah Schultz, then you are benumbed and one must assume you are heartily enjoying our nearly last interlude of bachelor peace. Which I think his Amazing Grace especially needs. Did you know Schultz that up until the moment our dear host’s engagement was announced, that he was being annoyed, telephoned, besieged, invited, fawned over, and chased. By both mothers and their blushing daughters.”

  “Binky you forget I always try to read his Lordship’s personal mail.”

  “Ah of course you do Schultz. One forgets. Well then you know they pursue with an ardor which can only be described as manic. Thank god he has chosen a wife and removed himself from the hurly burly of the marriage market. Ending such nuisance pest and bother. Both of us will alas now take up serious family responsibilities. Till old age makes one’s weapon finally wither away. But in that context do allow me to refresh one’s carnal hopes a moment. My randy old grand uncle. Retired to a villa in the south of France. One four a.m. shouted out to the whole of his household to come quickly. To witness the old sport stark naked in the middle of his bedroom floor. Pointing with pride and delight at the age of ninety one to his erection trembling with a most remarkable rigidity.”

  “Ah Binky you do encourage one to go on taking the steps in life. My god, join Schultz and I in getting tight on this most bowel stirring of Moselles.”

  “Hey listen you guys. With all the debutantes after you what the hell are you always looking in the casting books for. From where I sit a Lord on the loose, is to women what catnip is to the cat.”

  “Ah Schultz, good observation but I think I speak also for his Royal Grace when I say that it is most deflating that still you do not regard his Royal Grace and I as serious theatrical producers.”

  “How could you be for Christ’s sake the way you live like this. Even when I’m up on top of some dame screwing the pubic hairs off her I’m all the time thinking of how much sets are going to cost or whether the costumes will be ready in time.”

  “Or Schultz, how you can get everybody to take a cut in salary.”

  “That’s right too, Binky.”

  “But Schultz such girls as those gently invited to frequent our humble offices are an entirely different sort from those young ladies one brings home to introduce to one’s long admired mommie or to one’s nice dear old nanny. This is Schultz our last week on earth as single men.”

  Twilight descending over the great hollow silence. A castle bell high in the battlements tolling the hour. A breeze flapping the edge of linen table cloth. Rain beginning to fall slantingly across the parkland. Deer with their nervous little steps, lifting and lowering their heads, grazing slowly from the edge of huge shadowy trees, and moving down the hillside. The distant western sky faintly streaked pink. His Lordship’s wicker chair squeaking as he leaned back to Stretch his corduroy trousered legs. One sock wool and blue, the other silk and black. His long tapering fingers cutting paths in the condensation on the side of his wine glass. His cold blue smiling eyes sparkling and a breeze lifting back a blond lock of hair from his brow.

  “Holy shit, I don’t want to scare you guys but looking at the two of you, such specimens of beauty. For the third time in my life I realise that given the setting, the encouragement, and the banishment of women from the world, I could become a raving homosexual.”

  “Well dear me Schultz, how nice of you to interject this most piquant emotional departure. I was only this very second teas
ing myself with a rather risqué little fantasy of a game I plan to play with my soon to be wife. Perhaps we might make it a threesome.”

  “Shit. Sure. Why not.”

  “And of course Schultz, let me further hasten to add, that although his Royal Grace may not be, I distinctly am most excited by your totally unexpected observation. Now if you were a wee bit more, shall we say, willowy. Who knows. What do you think Basil my dear, shall I for a start, begin by calling you Dorothy. For myself I rather like the plain name Jane. And Schultz certainly is every bit attractive enough for us to immediately start calling him Sabrina.”

  “Binky please do allow me a second to anchor my chair before Schultz jumps on me so near the moat. If you haven’t, I at least have had sufficient unencouraged attention in that quarter.”

  “No panic, your Lordship. But if there were women here, would we be sitting contented like this. Not worried whether Hollywood was calling. Sipping wine. Talking. With the whole fucking world around us in absolute peace.”

  “Schultz if I may say so it is charming the way you are so easily pleased.”

  “Sure I am your Lordship. It’s the fucking marvellous atmosphere. Gives me a constant erection. Makes you wonder why in the world everyone is fighting, pushing and causing trouble. Jesus, this is why. Because everyone wants to be like this. In all this fucking god damn bliss.”

  Binky, a long black cigarette holder lifted between his fingers, as his confidentially tempered whisper forced a smile to the corner of his lips.

  “Yet Schultz from all this seeming contentment, I understand you are attempting to entice away a member of his Royal Grace’s household.”

  “Jesus how did you know that Binky. Holy shit your Lordship what have you got going, a spy ring. You want to imprison a beautiful girl like that here.”

  “Schultz I assure you, although we do have our dungeons, shackles and chains and many windows barred, this is not a correctional institution.”