Schultz

by J. P. Donleavy

  “Agnes. I smell something, like tomcat or something.”

  “I don’t smell anything.”

  “Well I do.”

  “A cat might have got in during the night. In the window.”

  “How could a cat climb up three floors up the side of the building.”

  “The drain pipe.”

  “What’s this.”

  “What’s what.”

  “This Agnes.”

  “That.”

  “Yes.”

  “I don’t think it’s anything is it.”

  “It’s a man’s sock. And this is a shoe. I think I am entitled to an explanation. Well.”

  “Honestly, really honestly, Pricilla, I just woke up.”

  Holy Jesus, my whole life is passing in front of my eyes, come on honey make it sound more convincing. Or else this could be the third situation of major mayhem in this house. Just like the psalm singing girl I invited in off the street. There she was playing in the band, pink skinned wearing glasses early one Sunday morning. In her little dark green straw bonnet with its big bow. Singing that old rugged cross. Coloured ribbons on her tambourine. Watching her through the curtain, every time she opened her mouth I wanted to shove my prick between her beautiful teeth. Then shit ten minutes later when I thought they were gone, the bell rang. And there she was standing in front of me at the door collecting donations. I said step in. Don’t mind my kimono. A big flower on her collar and purple epaulettes. After giving her two ten shilling notes one after the other I listened for five minutes to her shit trying to convert me. Praise my soul the king of heaven. She made her decision to consecrate herself. To god who is wonderful. I have promised to serve him to the end. Under my breath I said for Jesus’ sake honey serve me a piece of ass. She said she’d found peace. Plus plenty tranquility and rich fellowship through the blessing of the Lord Jesus Christ. Jesus I don’t know how I did it. And I don’t think she knew what I was doing. But I said take my mace, honey. In the name of the father, the son and the holy ghost. I had her on her back, drawers down, green dress up, legs open fucking her right there on the carpet downstairs in the front hall. With her tambourine and collecting tin lying next to her. When a bunch of the fucking rest of the choir came all at once looking for her right to my door. Jesus what a battle that was. In and out the hall, up and down on my stoop. In the middle of screwing she said divine and human nature is combined in god, the governor of all things. Blood and fire she said. Crossed swords. Snakes around our cross. Every word she said, now I believe. And only hope her religion will forgive me.

  “Where is he.”

  “Where’s who.”

  “My husband, this is his shoe.”

  “How can you be sure, Pricilla.”

  “It’s his shoe. That’s how I can be sure.”

  “Honestly I don’t know where your husband is Pricilla. It must have just got left here somehow.”

  “That’s not all that’s just got left here. His smell is here. The smell of his sperm.”

  “That’s the candle you’re smelling.”

  “This is a beeswax candle. I know what my husband’s sperm smells like.”

  “Well I’m sure that you do, Pricilla. But I don’t. And I wouldn’t want to know. Please Pricilla, can’t you just go back to bed. You’re making a mountain out of a mole hill.”

  “Don’t tell me what to do in my house.”

  “Pricilla, god, I’m not telling you.”

  “And what’s this. Over here. Look at this. This is his tie, he wore tonight to the opening.”

  “It couldn’t be. It’s my boyfriend’s.”

  “You liar you came here to escape your boyfriend. And I let you into my house. This is his tie clip. Initials S.F.S. Is this your boyfriend’s. Is it. You fucking betraying treacherous bitch.”

  Pricilla rushing forward. The candle on the dresser toppling over and falling to the floor. Two bodies bouncing on the mattress over Schultz’s head. Screams and scratching. Holy jeeze. Here we go folks. I wish the fuck this didn’t have to happen. Thank god the candle’s just gone out. With what’s going to happen now, any darkness is merciful.

  “I’ll kill you, you slut.”

  “Get off me.”

  “I’ll kill you.”

  Dust and debris dropping down into Schultz’s face. Jeeze. I’m choked. This fucking house. I once called a home. I lived in decently and civilized as a respectable occupant once. Holy god. Pricilla’s going to ruin that beautiful piece of ass. Christ, who knows maybe this should be flattering to my ego.

  “I’ll tear your tits off you cunt. You cunt.”

  Schultz pulled his shirt over his face as more dust puffed down. They’re murdering each other. Fond du mots. Grunting, thumping, screaming and groaning. Am I a dumb bastard. Momma meeo. What a dumb bastard I am. What the fuck is it I can’t do things in the right sequence. If ever guidance and flexuosity was needed in my life, it’s. now. Greta and Roxana’s fight turned into the greatest bout of screwing. But these two are never ever going to love each other again.

  “Pricilla, stop, stop. O god. My face. My face.”

  “Teach you a lesson you dirty slut.”

  Grunts, groans, and curses turning to choking croaks. O Jesus one of them is giving out last gasps. Somebody’s hands are around somebody’s throat. Got to make an appearance now. Even stark fucking naked. To save lives. God gives me for every little sprinkle of pleasure, a deluge of horror. Never did I know how well off I was two hours ago behind bars in jail.

  Schultz squirming out. Crawling on hands and knees, entangled in a piece of underwear torn pulling it on. An arm through where it should have been a leg. And a leg wound in the lamp cord. A crash of white pottery. There goes another light out forever. Just rip everything off. Jesus where am I. I’ve been hit already. I wish I was miles away.

  “There he is you bitch, the fucking bastard. Hiding under the bed. You hussy.”

  Pricilla kneeling astride Agnes. Her hand pressed down squeezed around her throat. Holy shit, got to hold this tiger. Who came into my life like she wouldn’t hurt a moth.

  “Let go of her. You’re killing her. Let go for christ’s sake.”

  “Shut up you.”

  Schultz tearing at the fingers. Shit suddenly she’s got the fucking strength of a stevedore. When at any other time she could have fainted, now she’s wide awake alive like a maniac. When here’s something for her to faint about. When it would make everybody happy. Instead she erupts like an insane volcano.

  “You’re killing her for christ’s sake. Let go.”

  Schultz hauling back and releasing a left hook slapping Pricilla’s jaw. Holy jeeze. Like hitting fucking granite wall all of a sudden. Hey what’s this.

  Light coming in the door. O no. Please Jesus. Not that. Not the fucking walrus behemoth whale. Tits heaving like ocean waves. Three candles blazing on her ice breaking bow.

  “What’s going on in here.”

  Mrs. Prune in a black satin nightdress pushing her plate of candles on the dresser. Three flames flickering in the mirror. Shadows on the wall. The imitation crystal ceiling chandelier tinkling as the weight of the behemoth vibrated the floor and window panes.

  “It’s you again. Striking my daughter. You beast. Being arrested doesn’t teach you a lesson.”

  “Fuck you madam, there’s a killing going on here.”

  “I’ll kill you, that’s who I’ll kill.”

  “Get your fucking hands off me, you tub of lard.”

  Mrs. Prune pounding forward. Her arms grabbing around the stark naked Schultz. As his one free hand grabbed out clutching at her hair. Which holy shit. No. My god. The whole fucking thing is coming off her completely bald head. This is the end of my life. If only I could get to the window to jump. Like her husband did. Out away from this Arab Israeli war to end all wars.

  “Give me back my hair.”

  “Let fucking go of me.”

  Schultz shaking loose. Pricilla arms flailing. Agnes, arms up shi
elding her face, still gasping for air. Schultz throwing punches. Landing sinking in these bottomless bosoms. O god. I can’t look. The sight makes me sick. She looks like a man. Except for her mountainous tits. Fucking hell the behemoth is going to hit me with the rest of the broken lamp.

  “Put that down you bitch.”

  “My daughter. You’re trying to make her miscarry.”

  “Shit, stop, stop everybody.”

  “Look at you. Look at you. Disgusting pervert. With your penis erected. I’m going to smash that prick and balls with this lamp.”

  The bald headed behemoth stalking him. Schultz circling backing away. Sounds of sobbing. Agnes hands up to her face. Pricilla at the bedside, fists clenched, snarling down.

  “That’s what you deserve you sneaky slut.”

  “You’ve hurt me, my neck, you’ve hurt me.”

  “Next time it will be your brains I’ll knock out. And you get out of this house. And I never want to set eyes on or speak to you again. Who do you think you are.”

  “I am your best friend. He came in. He had nowhere to go.”

  “Except up you, is that right.”

  “No no. Nothing. Not a thing happened. He said he was cold and hungry.”

  “For a piece of ass as he always is.”

  “We did nothing. And you’ve scratched my face.”

  “I smell his sperm.”

  “Please, Pricilla. Leave me alone. Leave me alone.”

  Schultz cornered between the dresser and the window. One of the landlord’s ersatz antique chairs held legs up jabbing at Mrs. Prune. By the dawn’s early light. Cold draught of air on my arse. The behemoth standing, her eyes wide eyed. Staring transfixed. Catching her breath. Holy Jesus the most horrible obscene sight of my existence. They saw you get a hard on at a hanging. She’s mesmerized. Can’t take her eyes off it. Give it a twitch. For once in my life my stiff prick is saving me from a broken arse. With an erection you could use as a high diving board. Giving such signals. And making in this situation my prick go wagging up and down pointing at the bald behemoth. Still got her jet black wig in my hand. Just watch me. I’m going to god damn well put it on. Top of my head.

  And go

  Fucking

  Gay

  25

  Ding a ling a ling. Jesus what’s that. Ringing. I fell asleep again. Dreaming I was walking bare arsed across the desert in the setting sun towards the Grand Canyon. Dragging tattered clothes behind me. Mumbling to myself that the only thing left to do was die and forget. Then suddenly I’m running. When who should come chasing two miles behind me. His stiff prick out two miles six inches long. Nudging me in the ass. Fucking Herbie. Sylvia’s twat was the canyon ahead. No escaping nightmares. Break my arm reaching for this telephone.

  “Hello.”

  “So that’s where you are.”

  “Where am I. Who’s this.”

  “This is Al. So now you’re at the Dorchester.”

  “Holy Jesus Al, I’ve had a night.”

  “You’re telling me you had a night. Other people had one too.”

  “Al what time is it.”

  “Don’t ask me the time. My god you’re a skunk.”

  “Al I had to check into this place at five a.m. with a shoe and sock missing off one foot. Shirt torn.”

  “So what’s new about that. Last time I heard you were there wearing the vertical half of a morning suit and jamming up the doors of the hotel with the other half.”

  “Holy christ Al. Be a friend for a second. What time is it. I got to be in Court this morning and I lost my watch and I can’t turn my neck to look at the clock on the wall because I was nearly strangled last night.”

  “Tell me if it is correct that you’re married already.”

  “Yes Al it’s correct. Unfortunately.”

  “So I’m asking you just one question. I want to know why do you do it. Why.”

  “Why do I do what, Al.”

  “Try to fuck every woman you come across.”

  “The production’s at stake. And you ask that.”

  “Yes, why. I want to know why.”

  “Al. When I tell you, you’re not going to believe me.”

  “You just tell me that’s all.”

  “I’m looking for true love, Al.”

  Schultz holding the telephone to his ear with his shoulder. Reaching for a glass of water. Ferrying it up from the bedside table. Silence and breathing the other end of the line. Jesus Al mustn’t have been ready for that one. So convinced is he that there are no finer feelings in me.

  “Hello, Al. You still there.”

  “I’m still here.”

  “Well Al, that’s why I have to fuck all these women.”

  “Jesus, you would even demean love, wouldn’t you.”

  “Shit Al, I mean it. I’m looking for a girl I can love.”

  “You don’t know what love is. You know what rape is. That’s what you know. Like you did last night. Is that how you look for love.”

  “Al. Rape. Who did I rape now. Who.”

  “You raped Agnes. Then attempted rape on Pricilla’s mother.”

  “Raped Agnes. Holy shit. Fuck a duck. Now look what you made me do. Spill my fucking water all over me in bed.”

  “Good.”

  “Al I already got to go to Court. In a borrowed pair of shoes and socks from the hotel. Don’t abuse me this time of the day. I’ve got to be at action stations over the show. Have you seen the reviews. Can you imagine what my life’s been like I haven’t even seen them yet.”

  “Yeah I saw. They stink.”

  “Holy shit. All of them.”

  “Every one but two. One written by an imbecile. And the other by a guy thought he was writing about some other show.”

  “Al, I’ll ring you back. I got to take an awful crap.”

  “You crap. That’s all you’re good for. Don’t bother to call me back. Because this is just to say on behalf of your investors to close the show immediately and cut losses.”

  “The investors can go fuck themselves Al. I’ll close when I decide to close.”

  “That’s exactly the constant kind of irresponsible stupid behaviour I’ve come to expect from you.”

  “O come on, Al. Do you always have to be like the way you always are. It’s only a little more money we could lose.”

  “It’s not your money you’re losing.”

  “Al don’t be a geriatric grandmother. What are you going to do leave me friendless now.”

  “You son of a bitch. Pricilla’s mother is under intensive psychiatric care as a result of you. You pulled her wig off. Traumatized her.”

  “Please don’t make me feel sick Al. Please. Not before I even have breakfast with the waiter knocking at the door this second. Come in. How was I to know she had a wig jumping out of the dark at me in my own fucking house which is now like a circus where I live that I have to move into a hotel.”

  “You tried to rape her too. Your own mother in law and right in front of your wife.”

  “Al. Are you crazy. Touch that hell hag ogre. I couldn’t under pain of death put my prick in that. I’d rather put it in a mincer. You just don’t understand.”

  “I understand. After you pulled her wig off you charged at her with your upraised prick. Which plus your balls should be put into a mincer.”

  “Waiter just push the table between the beds. That fine. Thank’s a lot. O.K. Al. Please. Listen a second. I didn’t charge anybody. I admit I had a giant hard on. I don’t know all there is to know about physiology. But I think it was petrified fear that gave the erection.”

  “A female bee flying by would give you an erection.”

  “Hey will you listen Al. I’m telling you I was as surprised as anybody when I saw it myself believe me. It was some kind of involuntary medical aberration.”

  “It was your crazed sexual appetite. Which needs compulsory medical treatment. Meanwhile you should be committed to a zoo.”