Contents
Title Page
Dedication
Acknowledgments
chapter 1
We Begin
chapter 2
Numbers 1 Through 12 on Moxy’s List of 13 Things to Do Before Tomorrow
chapter 3
5 Reasons Why Moxy Had to Exchange the Evening Gown
chapter 4
In Which Mrs. Maxwell Begins a Sentence with “If you don’t stop dreaming and start writing your thank-you notes right now…”
chapter 5
A Brief Word About the Word “Consequences”
chapter 6
In Which Mark Says Something
chapter 7
In Which Moxy Has a Really Good Idea (Really)
chapter 8
In Which Pansy Begins to Cry
chapter 9
Divorce and the Problem of Last Names
chapter 10
60 Words About Mark and Moxy’s Stepfather, Ajax
chapter 11
2:01 p.m.—In Which Moxy Looks at Her Clock
chapter 12
Introducing Granny George
chapter 13
Why Moxy Maxwell Does Not Love Crafts
chapter 14
In Which Mrs. Maxwell Says, “Come into the hall this minute, young lady.”
chapter 15
In Which Mrs. Maxwell Gives Moxy One More Thing to Think About (As If Moxy Didn’t Have Enough on Her Mind)
chapter 16
In Which Mrs. Maxwell’s 1989 Volvo DL with the Three New Tires and the 2002 Transmission and the Once-Heated Seats and the Broken Back Windshield Wiper Vibrates down the Driveway
chapter 17
In Which (Quite Unexpectedly) Pansy Makes a Wise, Though Somewhat Muffled, Suggestion
chapter 18
Moxy Gets Organized
chapter 19
Moxy’s Brilliant-Beyond-Belief Idea
chapter 20
The Genius of Moxy
chapter 21
The Sample Thank-you Note Moxy Wrote to Copy on Ajax’s New Copier (Which He Just Got from Mrs. Maxwell for Christmas, by the Way)
chapter 22
In Which Mark Happens to Wander by Moxy’s Room and Say “I wouldn’t use Ajax’s new copier if I were you.”
chapter 23
In Which the Author Offers 5 Reasons Why It Might Not Be a Good Idea for Moxy to Use Ajax’s New Christmas Copier
chapter 24
In Which Moxy Offers 3 Reasons Why It Is a Good Idea to Use Ajax’s New Christmas Copier
chapter 25
In Which Mark Says No
chapter 26
In Which Moxy’s Cell Phone Plays the First Two Notes of Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony
chapter 27
In Which Rosie and Mudd Start Barking Like Mad Dogs
chapter 28
In Which Moxy Comments That She Is the Only One Who Ever Does Anything Around Here
chapter 29
In Which Pansy Without Her Shell and Mark and Granny George and Mudd and Rosie Come Downstairs to Wish Uncle Jayne a Merry Christmas
chapter 30
In Which Moxy Brings Mark Up to Speed Regarding the Situation Between Their Father and Noah’s Wife
chapter 31
In Which Moxy Says, and Not for the First Time in Her Life, “Everybody follow me!”
chapter 32
In Which Moxy Sighs Rather Loudly
chapter 33
In Which Mark Maxwell Accidentally Backs into Ajax’s Copier and Turns It On
chapter 34
Moxy’s Well-Deserved Rest
chapter 35
In Which Moxy Announces That It’s Time to Get Organized
chapter 36
In Which Uncle Jayne’s Cell Phone Plays the Entire First Verse of “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”
chapter 37
In Which We Learn That Uncle Jayne’s Christmas Turkey Has Finally Thawed and He Has to Dash Home and Pop It in the Oven, but He’ll Be Right Back
chapter 38
In Which Moxy and Uncle Jayne Have the Same Exact Thought at the Same Exact Time
chapter 39
In Which Moxy Thinks the Unthinkable
chapter 40
In Which Uncle Jayne Finds the Place on the Copier Where Moxy’s Sample Thank-you Note Should Go So It Can Be Copied
chapter 41
In Which Pansy Pushes the Big Red Start Button Before Sam Is Ready
chapter 42
The Really Big Mess Begins
chapter 43
Moxy Suddenly Remembers What She Almost Forgot
chapter 44
In Which Moxy Takes Action
chapter 45
In Which Moxy First Says the Words “Gold Spray Paint”
chapter 46
In Which Pansy Wanders into the Kitchen and Asks Granny George Where Moxy Is
chapter 47
In Which Moxy Says the Words “Gold Spray Paint” Again
chapter 48
5 Reasons Moxy Isn’t Allowed to Touch Another Can of Spray Paint Until She’s Twenty-one
chapter 49
In Which Moxy Keeps On Shaking the Can
chapter 50
3 Things Experience Has Taught Moxy About Gold Spray Paint
chapter 51
In Which Moxy (Once Again) Saves the Day
chapter 52
In Which Moxy Is Forced to Stop What She’s Doing and Look for Pansy
chapter 53
In Which Pansy Starts to Sort of Cry
chapter 54
The First Shot
chapter 55
The Big “HANK YOU”
chapter 56
In Which Mrs. Maxwell Walks in the Door Carrying a Cute Little Pink Dress with Gobs of Glitter for Moxy to Wear to the Big New Year’s Eve Star-Studded Hollywood Bash Her Father Is Taking Her To
chapter 57
In Which Mrs. Maxwell Asks What That Noise Is
chapter 58
The Case of the Flying Thank-you Notes
chapter 59
In Which Mrs. Maxwell Calls Out (and Not for the First Time in Her Life), “Moxy Anne Maxwell!”
chapter 60
In Which We Linger with Mrs. Maxwell to Give Moxy a Chance to Think of an Explanation for This Mess
chapter 61
In Which We Take a Chapter Off to Give Moxy a Little More Time to Think of an Explanation for This Mess
chapter 62
In Which the Unasked Question—”How could things get worse?”—Is Answered
chapter 63
In Which Ajax Walks in the Front Door
chapter 64
Mrs. Maxwell Asks an Obvious Question
chapter 65
In Which the Copier Stops and Ajax Sits in His Broken La-Z-Boy
chapter 66
In Which Ajax Takes the Temperature of His New Christmas Copier
chapter 67
In Which Ajax Uses His Powers of Observation
chapter 68
The Greater Good Explained
chapter 69
In Which Moxy Maxwell Learns What the Phrase “Saved by the Bell” Means
chapter 70
A One-way Phone Conversation
chapter 71
In Which Moxy Forgives Her Mother
chapter 72
In Which Mrs. Maxwell Ruins Moxy’s Life
chapter 73
In Which Moxy Realizes Her Life Is Over
chapter 74
In Which Moxy Doesn’t Stop Crying
chapter 75
In Which Mark Knocks on Moxy’s Door
chap
ter 76
A Marvelous Thing
chapter 77
Mrs. Maxwell Has Christmas Again
About the Author
About the Illustrator
Copyright
For Jack
—P.G.
For Harriet and Margret
—V.F.
Acknowledgments
I am indebted to Anne Schwartz, Lee Wade, and Valorie Fisher, whose talent and seamless collaboration made this book possible.
—P.G.
I would like to thank my exceptionally talented and hardworking cast of characters: Elinor, Charlie, Aidan, Olive, Anne, David, Matt, Buster, and Granny.
And I am enormously grateful to Peggy for her hilariously inspirational world of Moxy.
—V.F.
chapter 1
We Begin
It was the day after Christmas and Moxy Maxwell had a List of 13 Things to Do Before Tomorrow. Tomorrow she and her twin brother, Mark, were flying to Hollywood to spend the last week of vacation with their father.
Moxy had been looking forward to this trip for, as she put it, “ages and ages”—ever since her mother called her dad and told him that this year he had to take the twins for the last part of Christmas vacation.
Mark and Moxy’s father’s name was Rock Hunter, and he was a Big Mover and Shaker out in Hollywood. But Moxy and Mark hadn’t seen him for almost three years. Two years ago he canceled their Christmas visit at the last minute because he had to fly to the Dead Sea to help a Major Star who was having a breakdown on the set of a made-for-TV movie called Noah’s Wife: The Untold Story. And last year he was so busy establishing himself in his new career as a Big Mover and Shaker in Hollywood that he had forgotten about Christmas altogether. But this year he was finally a Big Man Behind the Scenes out there.
“Behind the scenes is where the real action is” was what he’d told Moxy when she had asked why she’d never seen his picture in People magazine or Us Weekly magazine or Star magazine or any magazine.
chapter 2
Numbers 1 Through 12 on Moxy’s List of 13 Things to Do Before Tomorrow
Numbers 1 through 12 on Moxy’s List of 13 Things to Do Before Tomorrow were to write twelve thank-you notes. Last year she hadn’t finished writing the thank-you notes for her Christmas presents until the day before Easter. This year, she promised her mother, they’d all be finished by the day after Christmas. And today was the day after Christmas.
“Dear Nonnie, Thank you for the fabulous money. Love, Me,” read Moxy. She was resting on her bed, her new thank-you-note stationery balanced on her knees, while her mother folded Moxy’s baby blue petal-patterned swimsuit into her suitcase.
“Tell Nonnie how you’re going to spend the money,” said Mrs. Maxwell. “And be sure to wish her a happy New Year.”
“But that will take forever,” said Moxy. “And I have eleven more thank-you notes to go.”
“A thank-you note isn’t something you have to do, it should mean something. It should come from your heart,” said Mrs. Maxwell.
“But my heart hasn’t got time,” Moxy replied. “It has to go with my body to the mall to exchange the evening gown Aunt Margaret and I picked out for me to wear to the Big New Year’s Eve Star-Studded Hollywood Bash Dad’s taking me and Mark to. He said Madonna might even be there.”
“I heard Shrek might be there too,” said Mark. Mark wasn’t “thrilled to death” (as Moxy put it) about the Big New Year’s Eve Star-Studded Hollywood Bash.
Not only was Mark Maxwell the second-most-famous photographer on Palmetto Lane, he was also packed for their trip tomorrow, which was why he had time to take this picture of the inside of Moxy’s half-packed suitcase. He called it “California Dreamin’.”
“California Dreamin’,” by Mark Maxwell.
Exchanging the evening gown Moxy and Aunt Margaret had picked out for Moxy to wear was number 13 on Moxy’s List of 13 Things to Do Before Tomorrow.
chapter 3
5 Reasons Why Moxy Had to Exchange the Evening Gown
1. It was strapless.
2. It was black.
3. It had too many sequins.
4. It had a train that extended five feet behind her.
5. Moxy was only ten.
“It’s a shame it didn’t work out,” said Moxy. She was looking at the photograph Mark had taken of her when she first modeled the dress for everyone. He called it “Moxy’s Moxie.”
“Moxy’s Moxie,” by Mark Maxwell.
“I’m sure we’ll find something just as cute at the mall this afternoon,” Moxy went on. “I think I’ll go with a short skirt this time—something with gobs of glitter.”
“You’re not going with anything, including with me to the mall, until you finish writing your thank-you notes,” said Mrs. Maxwell. She was looking under Moxy’s bed as she spoke. She pulled out two old ice cream bowls and a plate with a fork stuck to it.
“Mom, have you decided where you want to live when I’m a rich and famous movie star and buy you a mansion?” asked Moxy, gazing at the big toe on her left foot. (It looked bigger than usual.)
Number 3 on Moxy’s List of 218 Possible Career Paths was to become a rich and famous movie star and adopt 17 starving children from around the world (she wasn’t sure if she would have a husband) and live with them and their 17 nannies in a mansion near all the other rich and famous movie stars who were adopting starving children from around the world.
Moxy had been studying how to break into show business for more than three weeks now, and as far as she could tell there were only two ways to do it. One way was to have enormous talent and perseverance. The other way was to be “discovered.” Being “discovered” seemed easier.
But according to Moxy’s father, the only way to be “discovered” was to be seen around “the scene,” which was why this trip to Hollywood was so important.
The way Moxy figured it, all that stood between her and a three-movie deal was twelve thank-you notes.
chapter 4
In Which Mrs. Maxwell Begins a Sentence with “If you don’t stop dreaming and start writing your thank-you notes right now…”
“If you don’t stop dreaming and start writing your thank-you notes right now, there are going to be consequences,” said Mrs. Maxwell.
chapter 5
A Brief Word About the Word “Consequences”
August 23 had been the third-worst day of Moxy’s life (for details see Moxy Maxwell Does Not Love Stuart Little, pages 1–92). Ever since then, Moxy had paid very close attention when her mother used the word “consequences.”
In case you don’t know, consequences are what happen when you don’t do exactly, precisely, and specifically what your mother tells you to do. In Moxy’s limited experience, consequences had never been a good thing. In fact, “consequences” was the only twelve-letter word that made Moxy feel like she might collapse.
“Since you want to know,” said Moxy, “the real problem with my new thank-you notes—and thank you very much for them, by the way—is that they already say ‘Thank You’ in big gold letters across the front, and what is the point of writing ‘thank you’ inside when ‘thank you’ is already written outside?
“It doesn’t leave much to write about,” she added.
chapter 6
In Which Mark Says Something
“Just write the notes, Moxy,” said Mark. He was looking through his camera’s viewfinder at the maple tree that he and Ajax, his stepfather, had wrapped in little white twinkling lights on the first day of Christmas vacation.
chapter 7
In Which Moxy Has a Really Good Idea (Really)
“Mom, I just had a really good idea,” said Moxy, ignoring (and not for the first time) her brother. “What I’m going to do is write my thank-you notes while I’m in Hollywood.”
She could just picture herself sitting by the pool in her baby blue petal-patterned swimsuit with her red heart-shaped sunglasses, writing thank-you notes. “That way I can wis
h everyone a happy New Year and get a tan at the same time.”
Moxy also liked the fact that she would be able to start every note with “Salutations from Hollywood.” “Salutations” had the advantage of being an eleven-letter word, which meant it would take up more space than plain old four-lettered “Dear.”
Besides, everyone would know she was visiting her father. She didn’t care whether everyone knew she was visiting her father. Except that she sort of did. Practically everyone in the Northern Hemisphere knew she hadn’t seen him in almost three years.
“What are you doing?” asked Mrs. Maxwell.
“Packing my thank-you-note stuff,” said Moxy.
chapter 8
In Which Pansy Begins to Cry
Pansy, who was Moxy’s little sister, and only five, was lying under Moxy’s bed practicing to be a turtle—which was what she wanted to be when she grew up. (Mark wanted to be a photographer—which he already was—and Moxy was still considering which of 218 Possible Career Paths she would follow.)
Mrs. Maxwell lifted the bedspread and peered at her youngest child.
“Why are you crying, darling?”
“I want to go to Hollywood with Moxy and Mark.”
Mrs. Maxwell lay down on the floor, pressed her left cheek against the exact spot on the carpet where Moxy had accidentally spilled a jar of the perfume she had invented on the second day of Christmas vacation, and looked into Pansy’s eyes.
“What’s that smell?” said Mrs. Maxwell.
“Do you like it?” exclaimed Moxy. “It’s a product I’ve been developing for my new Moxy Maxwell Socks and Scents collection.”
Pansy stopped crying and started sniffing the floor.
“I call it Eau de Moxy,” said Moxy modestly.
“What’s it made of?” asked Pansy.
“It’s a surprising combination of household products and three kinds of perfume.”
Mrs. Maxwell got up. There followed a brief exchange between Moxy and her mother, the details of which I won’t go into. (It is enough to say that the words “Pine-Sol” and “Lemon Pledge” were mentioned.) But if I stop and tell you every detail of every conversation, I’ll never get back to the question before us, which is why Pansy couldn’t go to Hollywood with Mark and Moxy.
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