The reason Pansy couldn’t go to Hollywood was that she had a different father than Mark and Moxy.
chapter 9
Divorce and the Problem of Last Names
When Mark and Moxy were quite young (Moxy had just started to walk and Mark had just started to read), their father moved to New York City to star as a character named Dr. Flint Stone on the TV show As the World Twirls. Unfortunately, Dr. Flint Stone had contracted a severe case of malaria while he was in Africa looking for a kidnapped nurse, and he hadn’t survived the first season. But Moxy’s father decided to stay in New York anyway, even though he no longer had a job, and Moxy’s mother decided to stay in Ohio, and they decided to get a divorce.
A few years later, during Story Hour at the local library, Moxy’s mother was “swept off her feet” (Moxy’s words) by the famous children’s poet A. Jackson Maxwell (Mark and Moxy call him Ajax). And after a “whirlwind romance” (Moxy again), they were married.
There was, however, considerable confusion about how someone named Mrs. Maxwell could be the mother of two children named Mark and Moxy Hunter, and how Mark and Moxy Hunter could have a sister named Pansy Maxwell.
Finally, they all agreed to choose just one name for everyone.
“Maxwell” won by just one vote.
chapter 10
60 Words About Mark and Moxy’s Stepfather, Ajax
Ajax wrote children’s books all day (and sometimes right through dinner and sometimes he was still writing children’s books when Pansy went to bed and sometimes he was still writing children’s books when Mark and Moxy went to bed—although Moxy didn’t really go to sleep when she went to bed, she read books under the covers with her flashlight).
chapter 11
2:01 p.m.—In Which Moxy Looks at Her Clock
“Mom, shouldn’t we be going to the mall soon?” Moxy was looking at her clock. It said 2:01 p.m.
“I’m going to the mall as soon as I take these dirty dishes downstairs,” said Mrs. Maxwell. “You’re going to the mall as soon as you finish writing your thank-you notes.”
“But you’ll be downstairs before I can even get started.”
“Then I guess you’re not going to the mall.”
Moxy was shocked. “But I have to exchange my evening gown!”
But Mrs. Maxwell was already walking down the stairs. She was also calling Uncle Jayne on her cell phone. She was also carrying two old ice cream bowls and a plate with a fork stuck to it and Moxy’s black evening gown. (Over the years Moxy had observed that a really first-rate mother can do many things at once without messing any of them up.)
Moxy listened as she followed her mother down the stairs.
“Uncle Jayne?…Well, Merry Christmas to you too,” said Mrs. Maxwell—even though Christmas was yesterday. “Would you mind coming over to sit with the children while I dash to the mall?”
Apparently Uncle Jayne didn’t mind, because Mrs. Maxwell was saying “thank you” by the time she reached the bottom stair. She was moving so rapidly that Mark, who was behind Moxy, couldn’t even get a photograph of her.
chapter 12
Introducing Granny George
They found Granny George sitting in the kitchen, knitting a shocking-pink bonnet for covering up toilet paper. She was going to sell it at the annual Save the Ivory-billed Woodpecker Fund-raiser.
(Even though Granny George officially lived in Arizona, she spent her winters in Ohio visiting the Maxwells. Granny George didn’t like warm winters.)
Here’s a picture Mark took of Granny George knitting the shocking-pink bonnet for covering up toilet paper.
Granny George’s legs.1*
You probably can’t tell from the photograph, but Mudd, who was one of the Maxwells’ dogs, had been playing ball all morning with Granny George’s ball of shocking-pink yarn.
After Mark took this picture of part of Granny George’s legs, Mrs. Maxwell suggested that he help Granny George roll the ball of shocking-pink yarn back into a ball. Actually, it was more than a suggestion—it had a “do it now” flavor.
So Mark put his camera down and started rolling up the yarn.
chapter 13
Why Moxy Maxwell Does Not Love Crafts
Even though Granny George loved crafts and was excellent at them, Moxy hated them. This was because crafts usually involved white paste that didn’t stick and round scissors that didn’t cut and construction paper that felt dry and very unpleasant under your fingertips.
Moxy did like spray paint, though. Unfortunately she wasn’t allowed to touch another can of it until she was twenty-one years old.
For Christmas, Granny George had given Moxy a pencil holder made from an empty can of peas and decorated with glued-on macaroni. It was spray-painted gold.
Here is a close-up photograph Mark took on Christmas morning of the gold pencil holder with the glued-on macaroni Granny George had made for Moxy. He called it “Where the Peas Were.”
“Where the Peas Were,” by Mark Maxwell.
It occurred to Moxy that if she thanked Granny George for the pencil holder right now, she might not have to write a thank-you note to her later.
“Granny George, thank you for the pencil holder,” said Moxy. She leaned down and kissed the top of Granny George’s head.
“Pencil holder?” said Granny George. Sometimes Granny George had a problem with remembering.
chapter 14
In Which Mrs. Maxwell Says, “Come into the hall this minute, young lady.”
“Come into the hall this minute, young lady,” said Mrs. Maxwell.
Moxy went into the hall that minute.
“I heard you say thank you to Granny George just now, which was very nice of you. But you still have to write her a thank-you note.”
“But she doesn’t even remember she gave it to me,” said Moxy.
“Last Easter you promised me that all of your thank-you notes would be done by the day after Christmas,” said Mrs. Maxwell, ignoring Moxy’s last remark.
“But last Easter I didn’t know I’d be getting ready to go to Hollywood.”
“As far as I can see, you’re not getting ready to go to Hollywood now. You’re not writing your thank-you notes either. You’re not even listening to me tell you to write thank-you notes. What exactly are you doing?”
“I must be thinking,” said Moxy.
chapter 15
In Which Mrs. Maxwell Gives Moxy One More Thing to Think About (As If Moxy Didn’t Have Enough on Her Mind)
“Well, think about this,” said Mrs. Maxwell. “If you haven’t finished your thank-you notes by the time I get back from the mall, you’re not going to Hollywood to see your father.”
As soon as she saw the expression on Moxy’s face, Mrs. Maxwell knew she had gone too far. And even though she suspected that Moxy knew she hadn’t really meant it, Mrs. Maxwell was sorry she had said it.
“You’re just jealous because I’m going to see Dad!” cried Moxy.
Mrs. Maxwell didn’t even have to say “Go to your room, young lady,” because Moxy had already run up the stairs.
chapter 16
In Which Mrs. Maxwell’s 1989 Volvo DL with the Three New Tires and the 2002 Transmission and the Once-Heated Seats and the Broken Back Windshield Wiper Vibrates down the Driveway
Moxy and Pansy listened as Mrs. Maxwell’s 1989 Volvo DL vibrated down the driveway. (She really should get a new muffler, thought Moxy, if not for the environment, then for me.)
Then Pansy stuck her head out from under the bed. “Are we alone?” she asked.
“Uncle Jayne will be here any minute. I heard Mom call him,” said Moxy.
Pansy pulled her head back under the bed and stuck her feet out the other end. Her sneakers were untied. Pansy had been learning to tie her shoes since last June. It was a complicated maneuver.
“If I don’t finish my thank-you notes by the time Mom gets home, I can’t go visit my dad in Hollywood,” moaned Moxy.
Then she lay down on the bed, l
ooked over at the picture of her father she always kept on her dresser, and put three pillows over her face.
Here is Mark’s photograph of the photograph of their dad Moxy always kept on her dresser.
For those of you who can’t read what their dad wrote on the front, it says:
Especially for Mark & Moxy
Best Wishes
from
Rock Hunter
chapter 17
In Which (Quite Unexpectedly) Pansy Makes a Wise, Though Somewhat Muffled, Suggestion
“I’ll tell your thank-you notes to you out loud and you write down what I say,” said Pansy. “It’ll be a snap.”
“Snap” was Pansy’s new favorite word. She had learned it when she learned about snapping turtles—something she most certainly was not going to be when she grew up. She was going to be an Eastern box turtle.
But Moxy could barely hear her, so she took the three pillows off her face and stuck her head under the bed.
“What did you say?” said Moxy.
Pansy was wearing black tights and a matching black leotard—the same outfit (as Pansy had explained more than once) turtles wear under their shells.
“I’ll tell your thank-you notes to you out loud and you write down what I say,” repeated Pansy—only this time she spoke very slow-ly, like turtles do.
Moxy stuffed the three pillows behind her back and leaned against the headboard. It was her most natural thinking position.
Pansy’s idea appealed to her one hundred percent. It meant she wouldn’t have to do all the work herself.
“Just write down what I say,” instructed Pansy.
chapter 18
Moxy Gets Organized
But then Moxy couldn’t find her thank-you notes, so she had to grope around the bed for them. She finally located them on the other side of her suitcase. Then Moxy couldn’t find a pen. Then Moxy found a pen without the cap on in her suitcase next to her off-white cropped pants (which she was going to wear on her second day in Hollywood).
Then Moxy couldn’t find her List of 12 People to Write Thank-you Notes To.
“Where’s my List of Twelve People to Write Thank-you Notes To?” she asked.
Pansy stuck her head out from under the bed and said, “I have it.”
Moxy took the list and read the second name aloud. “I got bubble bath from Mrs. Button White.” She squinted as she read.
Even though the eye doctor had told Mrs. Maxwell that Moxy had perfect vision, Moxy was practicing squinting for when she was older. There was a girl at her school—a sixth grader named Valorie Pine—who squinted. Moxy watched her at recess and thought she looked very cute when she did it.
“You mean Mrs. Button White, the professional dog walker?” asked Pansy.
Moxy nodded.
“She didn’t give me a present.”
“You should take more of an interest in her career,” replied Moxy.
Pansy mulled that over.
“Dear Mrs. Button White,” Pansy finally said.
“Dear Mrs. Button White,” wrote Moxy.
“Thank you for the bubble bath. Someday I will take a bath.” Pansy paused to consider what to say next. “And I’m sorry your cat wandered away on the Fourth of July. Love, Moxy.”
Just as she was writing “Dear Mrs. Button White,” Moxy had a brilliant-beyond-belief idea.
chapter 19
Moxy’s Brilliant-Beyond-Belief Idea
It occurred to Moxy that she could write “Dear” and “Love, Moxy” on all 12 of her thank-you notes right now and fill in the middle part later. At least it would get her going.
Then she had an even more brilliant idea. It was such an incredibly good idea that Moxy insisted I call the next chapter “The Genius of Moxy.”
chapter 20
The Genius of Moxy
“You know,” said Moxy, “why should I even write ‘Dear’ and ‘Love, Moxy’ over and over again? It’ll take an ice age.”
Pansy stuck her head back under the bed.
“What I’ll do is write ‘Dear’ and ‘Love, Moxy’ and ‘Thank you for whatever’ on just one note. Then I’ll make twelve copies of it on the new copier Ajax got for Christmas and fill in the rest later.”
chapter 21
The Sample Thank-you Note Moxy Wrote to Copy on Ajax’s New Copier (Which He Just Got from Mrs. Maxwell for Christmas, by the Way)
This is what Moxy wrote:
Dear_______________,
Thank you for _______________. It is very_______________and it will come in handy. I’ll use it for various things like ___________ and ________. In case you want to thank me for this thank you note, please wait until I get back from visiting my dad in Hollywood. I will be there for 6½ days.
Have a breath-taking New Year!
Love,
Moxy Anne Maxwell
chapter 22
In Which Mark Happens to Wander by Moxy’s Room and Say “I wouldn’t use Ajax’s new copier if I were you.”
All this time, Mark was following Granny George up and down the hall outside Moxy’s room. He was carrying her ball of shocking-pink yarn because he was afraid she’d drop it again. (Granny George liked to walk and knit at the same time).
“I wouldn’t use Ajax’s new copier if I were you,” he called out as he passed Moxy’s door for the eleventh time.
“Me neither,” added Pansy. But Moxy couldn’t hear her because Pansy’s head was still under her bed.
“I’ll write my own thank-you note,” Granny George called out without missing a stitch. The thing about Granny George was that just when you thought she was having trouble remembering, you discovered she completely got it. If Moxy hadn’t been so comfortable, she would have jumped up and kissed her.
“Keep it simple,” instructed Moxy. “Write ‘Thank you for the pencil holder’ and tell what I’m going to do with it—say something like ‘I’ll use it to hold my pencils.’ Oh, and wish yourself a breathtaking New Year.”
“Pencil holder?” said Granny George.
chapter 23
In Which the Author Offers 5 Reasons Why It Might Not Be a Good Idea for Moxy to Use Ajax’s New Christmas Copier
1. The copier cost a ton of money.
2. The copier was brand-new.
3. Ajax loved the copier almost as much as he loved Mrs. Maxwell (at least, that’s what he said when he opened it).
4. No one but Ajax was supposed to touch the copier (at least, that’s what he said when he opened it).
5. Moxy had never run a copier before.
chapter 24
In Which Moxy Offers 3 Reasons Why It Is a Good Idea to Use Ajax’s New Christmas Copier
1. Mark is a genius at making things like copiers work.
2. I really need it.
3. Ajax isn’t home.
Moxy jammed a fourth pillow behind her back. She was not tired, exactly—she was tired inexactly.
“Mark,” she said, “go warm up Ajax’s new copier.” She thought about it and patched a “please” onto the end.
Mark considered his options. Granny George was almost done knitting her toilet paper bonnet, which meant his hands would soon be free of the ball of shocking-pink yarn.
But the thing was, Mark preferred taking pictures of Moxy getting into trouble rather than actually helping Moxy get into trouble.
chapter 25
In Which Mark Says No
“No.”
chapter 26
In Which Moxy’s Cell Phone Plays the First Two Notes of Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony
Moxy was so quick on the draw when she picked up her cell phone that Ajax often remarked that she would have made a first-rate gunslinger in the Old West. And this time was no exception.
After the second but before the third note of Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony, Moxy was saying “Yes” into the phone. “Yes” was what Moxy said instead of “Hello,” unless it was someone she didn’t know.
A step-by-step illustration of Moxy’s Rapid Cell-Phone
-Answering Technique.
Mark took these three blurry photographs of Moxy as she picked up her cell phone so you can study her technique. (He used really, really, really high-speed film. You’ll have to ask him for sure, but I think it was going at least a thousand miles per hour.)
It was Sam on the other end of the phone. Sam lived at 8 Palmetto Lane, which was only 7 houses from Moxy’s house, and even though he was only six, he was Moxy’s best friend. He would do anything for her.
“Sam,” said Moxy. “Please come over here ASAP and warm up Ajax’s new copier. I’m going to make copies of my thank-you note so I won’t have to write ‘Dear’ and ‘Love, Moxy’ twelve hundred thousand times.”
“How many thank-you notes have you written so far?” asked Sam. (Sam always kept track of Moxy.)
“Well, Granny George said she’d write her own note, but I’m not absolutely positively sure she will, and Mrs. Button White’s is somewhat done, and Nonnie’s needs a quick rewrite. So I guess I still have twelve thank-you notes to go.”
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