Waiting to Lose

by Dawn L. Chiletz

  “If you tell her I told you, I will never speak to you again and I’ll start a ‘Jake Morgan Fucking Sucks’ page where I will post daily.”

  “I won’t tell her,” he reassured. He was getting irritated and angry. He didn’t like games. He was too old for this shit.

  Kendra sighed. “At first she thought something bad was happening. She thought maybe something had happened to you or maybe you were concerned for her safety. She told me you’d been acting weird and worrying about her needlessly. Then she said you told her that no matter what happened you would always love her.”

  Jake poured himself a shot of whiskey and sat down, preparing for what he was afraid was coming next.

  “Then she went to the Internet and saw all the reports about you and Allison. She put it together, and basically, she thinks you’re having a little of both of them.”

  “That’s complete and total bullshit.”

  “You know, I really don’t blame her. You’re having her followed? Why? You know they say that cheaters always worry their partners are cheating. Do you not trust her?”

  “That’s not what this is about. I tell her every day how much I love her.”

  “You have her followed and dismiss her concerns about being followed? Then you tell her to be careful? Are you playing games with her, Jake? Because I’ll fucking kill you.”

  “I swear to you that I have not, nor will I ever, cheat on her. I know she deserves an explanation, but I can’t do that if she won’t answer my calls.”

  Kendra sighed. “I’ll see what I can do. I’m going to tell her you called me and that’s it. I’ll tell her you’re worried and you want to explain. So help me, you’d better not be lying to me.”

  “I love her desperately. I promise you, it’s true.”

  “Alright, give me ten minutes and call her again.”

  “Thanks, Ken. I owe you.”

  “Yeah, you do.”

  After the call ended, Jake paced the room. He poured himself another drink to settle his nerves. How could she possibly think he wanted to end things with her? How could he reassure her without letting her know Kendra had told him? How could she doubt his love for her? The damn Internet. For years, he was single, and the press didn’t know anything about him so they left him alone. He finally meets someone, and they decide he’s suddenly interesting enough to make shit up.

  Jake sat down, then stood. He thought back to mid-September when he could sense how much Madi missed him and needed him on the phone. His heart had ached for her. He’d wanted to jump on the first plane he could just to hold her. When he’d told her his plan, she’d told him to stop, assuring him the fact that he was willing to do it meant the world to her, but that it wasn’t necessary. He had told her that he had never loved anyone the way he loved her, and that if she needed him, he’d drop everything for her. He knew she’d believed him then. What had changed so drastically over the last few weeks? How could she doubt him even for a second? How would he explain this to her without telling her about Peter? He needed to be with her to make her feel safe. Would she even want to see him again? Why wouldn’t she just talk to him? Maybe it was time for him to see her in person. He needed to tell her what was going on. He needed to just tell her the truth.

  Jake could feel the frustration building within. He glanced at the clock and ran his hands through his hair once more. At ten minutes on the dot, he called her again. It didn’t go to voicemail, but she waited three rings to pick up.

  “What?”

  He huffed. She was feisty and it made him smile. “Hi, it’s nice to hear from you, too.”

  “Jake, it’s late and I’m in no mood for your shit tonight.”

  He could hear it in her voice. “Babe, have you been crying?”

  “Don’t call me babe.”

  He shook his head and closed his eyes, trying to keep his composure. “Okay… Madi, have you been crying?”

  “Why would you care?”

  “Madi…” Jake sighed. “Don’t do this. I know you’re angry with me, and you have every right to be. I promise you I’ll try my best to explain and make you understand.”

  “If you have something to explain to me, do it quickly and get it over with. There’s no reason for you to waste a trip out here next month when I don’t even want to talk to you, much less see you.”

  “What? Now you don’t want to see me?” Her words wounded him. Her returning silence spoke volumes. “I know you’re pissed that I had Nate following you, but I can assure you it was only for your safety. There’s something going on, and I’d rather wait until I see you to explain. Can you just trust me until then?”

  “Fuck you, Jake. Just break it off right now. I don’t need to see your face to hear you don’t want this anymore. It’s fine. I’m actually getting sick of you anyway.”

  Whoa, that hurt. He could feel his frustration turning into anger. “Why in the hell would you think I was breaking up with you, Madi? Do I not tell you every fucking day how much I love you? Do you think those words come easily for me? Do you think I could say them to you if I didn’t mean them? Do you not know me at all?”

  Her words came out in a fiery blast. “I don’t know what I know anymore. You tell me you love me, then you have me watched, but then you don’t think I deserve to know why? Tell me why!

  “I told you, I’ll explain later. Please just let this go for now.”

  “Let this go? I’m ready to let something go, but it won’t be this.”

  “Really? Are you trying to say you’ll let me go? Is that what you want? I’m in no mood for childish games. I have my reasons. If you need to hear them right now and you can’t just trust me enough to wait, then I’ll tell you. But if you’re so damn sick of me, then maybe there’s no reason for me to even talk to you anymore.”

  He ended the call and threw his phone across the room before slumping to the floor. He sat there for what seemed like forever as he replayed the conversation in his mind. He shouldn’t have lost his temper, but it hurt him to think she doubted his feelings for her. He saw this coming. He knew it would happen eventually. He knew the press would make her question him. He just had never counted on the fact that he would play such a huge role in making her feel that way. Ang was right; he shouldn’t have kept this from her. Now what was he going to do? Was she really sick of him? He heard his phone ring. He jumped up and frantically searched for the ringing sound, looking for where it had landed when he’d thrown it. He answered on the fourth ring.

  “Hey,” he said calmly.

  “Hi.”

  He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have blown up at you like that. You have every right to question me and be angry with me.”

  “Kendra told you, didn’t she?”

  “Told me what?” Jake tried his best to act surprised.

  “It’s okay. I’m not mad. I’m sure she thought she was defending me. You know that I thought you were breaking things off. That it was over.”

  Jake sighed heavily into the phone as he slid down the wall of the bus. “It will never be over.”

  “Why are you having me watched?” she asked.

  He could hear the worry in her voice. He had to think of something quickly. He wasn’t ready to tell her the truth, but he also didn’t want her to worry this had something to do with another woman. “It’s just all the press. I lost it over this Allison thing and I told a reporter I had a girlfriend and it wasn’t her. I’m not sure he bought it, but I’m worried they’re going to come looking for you. I don’t want you to be alone.”

  “That’s it?” she asked surprisingly.

  Jake swallowed hard as his lie stuck in his throat like a pill he couldn’t swallow. “That’s it.”

  “Why would you need to tell me that face to face?”

  “I didn’t want you to worry,” he said as he held his breath.

  “Are you sure there’s not more to it?” she questioned.

  He bit his tongue as he contemplated telling her about P
eter and his release. He could hear the fear in her voice, and he didn’t want her to be afraid when he couldn’t be there to keep her safe, so he continued with his charade. “I’m sure.”

  Madi sniffed into the phone and Jake felt his heart crack in half. He hated to hear her so sad. “Do you remember me warning you this would happen? This thing with the press trying to make something out of nothing?” Dead silence. “Madi?”

  “Sorry, I nodded my head.” She giggled lightly and Jake felt a sharp pain in his ribs at the sound of her laughter.

  “I swear to you on my life that there is nothing—nothing—going on between me and Allison Gregory, or any other woman besides you.”

  “You swear…”

  Jake chuckled, “I swear. I love you. Please don’t question that. I can say with confidence that I never knew love until I felt it for you.”

  Madi sighed. “Are you still coming to see me next month?” she questioned.

  “Nothing could keep me away.” He could hear her sniffle again and he desperately wanted to be near her to wipe her tears away.

  “I didn’t mean it,” she said. “I’m not anywhere even close to being sick of you. I’m sorry I said that. It’s just a defense mechanism I have when I think something bad is about to happen.”

  Jake stood and bent into the bed, sitting down. “I need you to know that I am completely devoted to you. I will never cheat on you, ever. I can’t imagine ever wanting anyone more than I want you. I was angry at you for not trusting me, yet I love you for the feisty way you don’t put up with any shit from me.”

  “Don’t be mad,” she said sweetly. “I’m just really confused. I don’t understand what’s going on. I can hear something is off in your voice. It just feels like more than you’re telling me, but I know you’d never lie to me.”

  Jake gulped down a breath as her words incinerated his ears. “You have amazing instincts, but I can assure you that what’s wrong has nothing to do with me and you. I’ve never given myself as fully to anyone as I have to you, and it breaks me apart to know after all this time, you still don’t believe it.”

  “I do believe it, and I hate myself for being needy. I don’t know why I’m so damn insecure. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you, and sometimes the way I feel about you scares me. You have the power to crush me, Jake, and I’ve never given anyone that much control.”

  “I know. The way I feel scares me too, but you need to have faith in me. You can’t shut me out every time I do something you don’t like or you read something that plays on your fears. Dating someone like me is not like dating a normal guy.”

  “That’s for sure. Although I’m pretty sure you haven’t officially taken me on a ‘date’ yet.”

  “That’s not entirely true. I took you to dinner the first night we met.”

  “With Ang…” she laughed.

  His heart softened at the sound of her laughter. He couldn’t help but smile when she laughed. “Someday, I’m going to date the shit out of you, and Ang will not be allowed on a single one of them unless she wants to watch me sweep you off your feet.”

  Madi chuckled. “Date the shit out of me? Oh, Jake, you have such a way with words.”

  “There’s nothing I want more than to have you on my arm. To take you to movies and dinners and charity events and let the world know how lucky I am. To tell them you’re mine. But until I can ensure your safety from the press, and ensure that you can live a somewhat normal life, we just have to be careful.”

  “I know…” She sighed.

  “Do you? Please believe that everything I do is out of love for you. You need to talk to me. I know you know me better than anyone, but can you find a way to trust me and believe that I do things for a reason, even if you don’t understand them?”

  “I’ll try.”

  “I’ll take it.”

  “Just promise me you’ll never lie to me?” Madi asked.

  Jake felt his heart constrict. How he could he lie about not lying? He hated himself. “I promise.” The words cut him like a knife slicing down his throat as they were expelled from his deceitful mouth. Would she ever forgive him once she knew the truth? This masquerade might destroy him. If this was a test, he was failing her and himself.

  ***

  MADI WOKE UP earlier than usual after barely sleeping during the night. She couldn’t stop thinking about her conversation with Jake. His excuse for having her followed seemed simple, so why would he need to see her face to face to tell her? There had to be more to it. Whatever was really going on, it must have been serious if it meant she had to have a guard. Before she’d hung up with him, she agreed to not give Nate any more grief. She mentally berated herself for getting caught up in online rumors and for doubting his commitment to her.

  She sat up on her bed with her knees curled up in front of her and stared out the window. The rain was falling gently from the sky onto the few remaining leaves on the trees. The grey skies matched her mood. The soft patter of rain and the distant rumble of thunder gave her peace. Madi sipped on her coffee and thought through her schedule for the next few days: two classes today, one tomorrow, and two Friday before her flight to L.A. She still had three hours until her first class, but there was no way she was going to be able to sleep any more. Needing a positive distraction, she opened the closet and removed her bag to begin packing for her trip.

  No sooner had she thought of him than her phone buzzed. Madi picked it up and smiled at his text. He was up early. She wondered if he’d slept at all either.

  Jake: Couldn’t sleep. Just wanted you to know I love you.

  Madi: I love that you love me. I couldn’t sleep either. Miss you.

  She put down her phone, thinking the conversation was over. Her phone buzzed again.

  Jake: Tomorrow after my concert, I’m flying down there to be with you. Tell Kendra you’re mine for the night.

  Madi felt panicked. He couldn’t come down. She was going up, or over, or wherever it was she was going. What could she say?

  Madi: That’s so sweet of you, but I took extra shifts Thursday and Friday night. I decided not to go to the party after all and work instead.

  Jake: I’m still coming. I need to see you. I need to put my arms around you and make you feel how much you mean to me.

  Madi’s heart ached. She walked the length of the room as she tried to come up with the right words to say. He was amazing. Her heart filled with love for him, knowing he’d come down in a second if she needed him. If she weren’t already coming to surprise him, she would have screamed with joy. Now she needed to steer him away.

  Madi: I know how much I mean to you. I really do. Please just stay there. I promise we’re fine. We’re more than fine. I love you for wanting to rush to my side, but you promised Trey you’d be there for him and you can’t let him down.

  There was a long pause, and Madi worried he might think she didn’t want to see him. His responding text confirmed her suspicion.

  Jake: Okay.

  Madi fell into her desk chair. This day was going to suck. She just pushed him away and he didn’t know why. She could imagine his pained expression while reading the text. She hoped and prayed time would move quickly. She needed him and she knew he needed her. She couldn’t wait to throw her arms around him and feel his lips on hers.

  If they were going to make this work, they needed to be together. Once again, she considered the possibility of moving to L.A. She knew Jake wanted her there. It’s where he needed to be for his work. Could she bend for him? As much as she loved him and the city, it scared her to be so far from home. She’d have to find a job out there and she probably wouldn’t have enough time off to come home very often. She’d miss her parents and Kendra terribly. When she was there for the summer, she felt fine, but she also knew she was coming home after a couple of months. Moving out there in May would be permanent. Could she do it? Madi weighed being apart from her family versus being away from Jake. The idea of not
being with him made it hard to breathe.

  When they first met, she was attracted to who she thought he was as a musician, but seeing him around his friends and family brought out a whole different side of him. Something had changed in her when she was near him. He had an energy about him that drew her in like a magnet. Madi loved that he was fiercely protective of the people he cared for and incredibly loving toward his family, especially his sister. He was real. He might have been a control freak, but the way he took charge of a room and any problem was hotter than hell. She loved his sense of humor and even the way he pushed his hands through his hair when he was frustrated. She loved that they could talk about anything and everything. She loved that he confided in her and she could tell him her deepest, darkest fears, and that he would understand. He didn’t even mind her need to overanalyze, although sometimes it got her into trouble. She needed to trust him more, but he was going to have to stop keeping secrets from her. They would need to really clear up that whole issue, and fast. If this was going to work, she’d have to worry less and he’d have to tell her more.

  Madi stood, stretched and continued to pack. Thinking about flying to see him made her heart ache. She hated not telling him the real reason he couldn’t come to see her, although knowing she’d be surprising him made it hurt a little less. She opened her underwear drawer and saw the red panties and garter belts. She snickered as she pulled them out. On Halloween, she would be wearing these with the red short shorts and flame-colored shirt Ang’s sister was making for her. She smiled at the thought of Jake’s face when he saw them again. This time there would be no drinking and he’d get to remove them himself.

  After deciding on several outfits, Madi packed her bag and placed it by the door. She laid a pair of jeans and a sweater on her bed to wear to class and sat down at her computer to check her emails again. There was an email from the same address as the last one with a picture of Jake. This one had no title. Madi softly bit on her nail as she contemplated whether or not to open it up. Curiosity got the best of her. “Be careful around him. He’s not telling you everything.” Madi closed the email immediately. Who was sending this stuff to her and why? What did they know that she didn’t? It made no sense. How did they even know her address to begin with? Maybe she should tell Jake. She stood and bit her nail again before releasing it and twirling her hair instead. He already seemed worried about something and she didn’t want to make it worse.