Waiting to Lose

by Dawn L. Chiletz

  “Good for y—” Kendra looked down as the phone buzzed again in her hand.

  Kendra hit the answer button. As she slid the phone to her ear, Madi could hear him say her name. Her heart shattered to pieces once again. It was another blow to her chest, and it knocked the wind right out of her.

  “Listen, you mother fucking piece of shit, stop calling her. She doesn’t want to speak to you, or hear your voice, or hear any one of your pathetic mother fucking lies again. She hates you. I hate you. The whole fucking world hates you. Leave her the fuck alone or so help me God, I’ll destroy you!”

  Kendra clicked the end button and lifted the mattress, tossing the phone underneath.

  Madi stared after her as another tear escaped from its prison of misery inside her head.

  Kendra fell to her knees in front of her. “I’m sorry… I couldn’t help myself. He needs to know you don’t want to talk to him. Maybe he’ll stop calling.”

  Madi nodded her head. There was a gentle rapping on the door.

  Madi jumped in fear. “It couldn’t be him, could it?”

  “Who is it?” Kendra asked.

  “It’s Rob. I know you’re awake. I need to talk to you.”

  Kendra opened the door and took a sharp breath as all six feet, three inches of Rob stood pressed into the frame. “Look… It’s not a good time…”

  Rob whispered, “I spoke to Jake, and there’s something you need to know.”

  Kendra pushed her way out the door and closed it behind her.

  “Don’t say his name around her. It’s like shooting poison into her veins.”

  “I know she’s upset, but I need to tell her something.”

  Kendra pushed her finger into his chest, causing him to raise his hands and take a step back. “You don’t need to tell her shit. You may think you’re saving her, but she’s my friend and I’ll protect her from scum like you, Jake, and every other dick that tries to get in my way. I’m not afraid of you. I’ll take you down before I let you push another one of his lies down her throat!”

  Rob stepped forward until his face was mere inches from hers. “You think you’re so tough, Ms. Parker? From where I stand, you’re just another spoiled little rich girl who thinks she owns the world. You think you can take me down? I’d like to see you try!”

  Before Kendra could say another word, Madi opened the door. They both turned to face her. “You know… I can hear every single word you’re saying.”

  “Madi, there’s something you need to know…”

  “Mother fucking bastard!” Kendra raised her hand to slap him and he twisted it behind her easily, not taking his eyes off Madi.

  “Ow! Take your hands off of me, lurch!” Kendra yelled as she squirmed in his grasp.

  “Ms. Parker, if you don’t want me to break your wrist, then I suggest you stop moving.”

  “Rob, please!” Madi pleaded. “Let her go.”

  Rob sighed and released his grip on her wrist. Kendra pulled away from him forcibly.

  “While I can appreciate your friend’s desire to protect you at all costs, I have some news that may put things into a new perspective.”

  Madi lifted her hand to Rob. “Listen, I know he’s your friend, but I really and truly don’t want to hear it. I can’t… I just can’t.” Madi pivoted as the tears came once again. She closed the door behind her.

  “Are you happy now?” Kendra asked with her hands on her hips.

  “Kendra, will you please just listen to me?”

  “What? What do you have to say that you think could possibly change any opinion I have of him?”

  Madi could hear them through the door and she couldn’t take it. She fell onto the bed and covered her ears with her pillow. Within seconds, all she could hear was the sound of her own destruction. Underneath her she could feel the faint humming of a man desperate to feed her more of his lies. With each pulse, he took a little bit more of her soul.

  JAKE STARED AT the phone in his hands. He’d jumped on the first flight he could from Melbourne to L.A. and managed to charter a private jet from L.A. to Chicago. He needed to see her. He needed to explain. He’d left without telling Caleb what was going on. He didn’t need to add to his anxiety about Jake’s state of mind. He’d called Ang on his way to the hospital and explained everything. She was taking care of his luggage so he didn’t have to worry about it. Rob had insisted he get a blood sample drawn right after they’d hung up the phone. The hospital said they’d call him as soon as they had the results. As he tried to explain everything to Ang, he could hear how ridiculous the whole thing sounded. He had nothing else to go on. He would never cheat on Madi. He couldn’t even bring himself to look at another woman, much less sleep with a beast like Allison Gregory.

  Rob promised Jake he’d have some old colleagues track her down. He was able to confirm she’d been in Australia, but they weren’t able to reach her publicist, agent, or even her mother, for that matter. She seemed to have disappeared.

  Jake listened to Robin Thicke’s “Angels” as he stared out the window at the clouds. She just had to give him a chance to explain. He’d make her listen. Somehow, he’d make her see. Jake called her one more time, hoping beyond hope that she’d take a chance and answer his call. Rob told him that although he wasn’t able to speak to Madi, he’d been able to get Kendra to listen. She didn’t believe him, of course. She told him that until he had some kind of proof, she didn’t want him to give Madi any false sense of hope. As far as Madi was concerned, it was over.

  The word “over” played in his head repeatedly. As soon as he thought he’d lost her, Jake cancelled his concert in Boston. He couldn’t sing and smile in front of people when his reason for smiling was being ripped from his life.

  He’d looked at the pictures, trying to remember. In every single picture, his eyes were closed. He wasn’t there. His body might have been, but not his heart.

  His phone rang and he pulled it to his ear without even looking. “Madi?”

  “No, honey, it’s Mom. How are you holding up?”

  Hearing her voice sent his emotions into his throat. He was instantly reminded of the countless times he’d fallen off his bike as a child, skinning his knee, managing to walk home without crying until his mom asked him if he was hurt. Then the tears would just flow.

  “Jake?”

  “I didn’t do it, Mom. I’d never…” Jake had to choke back the tears he could feel threatening to run free. The ones he’d bottled up inside.

  “It didn’t even look like you. You were lifeless. What happened?”

  As Jake explained Rob’s theories, his mother’s unquestioning faith in him made him feel stronger, more resolved. After she told him she’d pray for them, he almost lost it altogether.

  “I’m going to fix this. Somehow, I will.” A few seconds after he’d ended the call with his mom, his phone buzzed again. It was Caleb.

  “Caleb, I can’t talk right now.”

  “You cancelled the concert in Boston? How could you? It was sold out! Do you know how much money you just cost us?”

  “How much money I cost us? It’s my money, Caleb. Whether I do a show or cancel one, you get paid the same. If I don’t want to sing, then I don’t sing. It’s my life and my voice. If you don’t like the way I handle things, then get the fuck out!”

  “Now hold on, Jake… Let’s not get carried away. I’m just shocked. You’ve never done something like this before. Especially not over a silly girl.”

  “A silly girl? Did you just refer to Madi as a silly girl? She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. If I lose her, I may never sing again. While you were off getting some sleep, it appears I may have been drugged.”

  “Drugged? What are you talking about?” Caleb questioned.

  “I talked to Rob and explained everything I could remember. I’m surprised you haven’t spoken to him yet. He said he’d tried to call you several times.”

  “I didn’t have time to talk to him. I’ve been juggling call
after call from the press. I have damage control to do. Do you know what your little escapade with Allison Gregory has done to your sales?”

  “I don’t care…”

  “They’ve skyrocketed! Do you hear me? They’ve tripled. It seems bad press is better than no press! I’ve had twelve calls from television shows wanting to interview you! Ha! Do you believe it?”

  “Are you fucking kidding me right now? You act like I should be happy! Like breaking Madi’s heart is worth the sale of even one of my songs.”

  “She’s young, Jake. She’ll get over it. Did you ever consider that maybe she’s just not cut out for your line of work?”

  “What?” Jake jerked out of his seat and stormed the aisle. It’s a good thing he was practically alone in first class, or his language might have gotten him kicked off the plane.

  “I don’t want her to get over it, or over me. She may be young, but she’s smarter than anyone I’ve ever met and she gets me. I need her, and if you can’t see what she means to me, then you need to just fuck off.”

  Jake slammed his finger into the home button then motioned to throw his phone as he noticed a flight attendant eyeing him warningly. He quietly folded into his seat, rummaging his hands through his hair. For a moment, he considered Caleb as a suspect. He quickly dismissed the idea. Caleb had been his friend for ten years. He was fucked up in his thought process, but he’d never try to hurt him. Jake sighed. In a few hours, he’d be in Chicago and on his way to Madi’s school. He didn’t care who saw him, or what pictures they took of them together. He wished he’d just told the world about them. He placed his earbuds back into his ears and listened to Sam Smith’s “Lay Me Down.” She was his center of gravity. He’d never let her go. Never… It couldn’t be over. He wouldn’t let her leave him.

  ***

  MADI HAD MANAGED to convince a reluctant Kendra to go to her morning classes on the pretense that Madi would sleep the entire time she was gone. She’d tried to close her eyes and give in to the pull, but the thoughts kept churning in her head. She wondered what excuse she would give her parents as to why Jake wasn’t coming to Thanksgiving dinner, assuming they hadn’t seen the pictures of him online. Madi felt the bile rising in her throat. She hadn’t eaten anything in twenty-four hours. There couldn’t possibly be anything left.

  She’d decided to skip both her classes for the day. She’d never missed a class before. Even in her sophomore year when she had the flu, she went to class. He’d really done a number on her. She knew she needed to pull herself together somehow, but the thought of her life without him sent her spiraling into a black hole of depression.

  Her entire body ached, including every strand of hair. Since it was obvious she wouldn’t be sleeping anytime soon, Madi figured a shower might at least help the physical pain. She grabbed her supplies and slowly opened her door, praying Rob wouldn’t try to speak to her. He didn’t say a word, although she could tell he wanted to.

  Madi heard Kendra arguing with him around noon, but covered her ears to avoid hearing Jake’s name. Madi had let her phone battery die out so she wouldn’t have to think about Jake trying to call her anymore. By now, he should have just given up. He and Allison must have had a good laugh over how pathetic she was.

  Kendra brought her some soup and coffee, and she managed a few sips of both. She spent the day either yelling or crying. By 4:00 p.m. she’d finally cried herself to sleep.

  When Kendra shook her arm at eleven the next morning, Madi rolled over and smiled as the lull from sleep stripped her of her memory. Within seconds, her smile faded as her reality came crashing down around her. The tightness in her chest returned as her head pounded with what could only be described as a crying hangover. Kendra rubbed her back gently.

  “Hey, Mads, how’d you sleep?”

  Madi took a deep breath and tried to steady herself enough to act like she was tougher than she really was. Kendra had spent the night and must have slept on the floor, judging by the pillows and blankets in the corner.

  “Good. I don’t think I dreamt. So, yeah, good.”

  “I didn’t know if I should wake you for class or not. I didn’t want to let you sleep through and have you pissed off when you woke up.”

  Madi shifted and planted her feet on the floor. “No. I need to go to class. It’s all I have now.”

  “Hey, you have me!” Kendra said as she smiled warmly.

  “I know. Thank you for staying with me. I don’t know what I’d do if you stopped loving me too.” Madi took several quick breaths as the tears came again. She was an emotional train wreck.

  “Don’t say things like that! I’ll be your sister ‘till the day I die. You and I will be playing Scrabble and eating Ho Hos in our nursing home together. I’ll push your IV, and you’ll remind me what my name is when I forget.”

  Madi huffed out a small laugh before she sobbed uncontrollably, bent at the waist, covering her eyes with her hands.

  Kendra sat next to her, and Madi rested her head on her lap as Kendra stroked her hair. “Hey, don’t cry! I promise not to eat all the Ho Hos, and you know I suck at Scrabble. Unless I get an F and can spell words like fuck, or fucking, or fucker.”

  Madi’s shoulders lifted as she laughed. “Ugh… Why can’t I stop crying?” She stood and threw her pillow against the door.

  “That’s good! Mad is better than sad. Get mad, Madi!”

  Madi turned as her body flailed before she slumped against the door and slid to the floor. “Besides the fact that he lied and cheated on me, do you know why I’m so upset and why I absolutely loathe myself right now?” She tugged on her hair in frustration before pressing her palms to her head. “I hate myself because, as much as I want to hate him, I still love him. I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life. I don’t know what I’m going to do. We made plans. I pictured my future with him. Now I don’t see one. I see nothing but a loser who’s still clinging to the memory of a man she thought she knew. I hate myself for still loving him. For still hoping when there’s no hope. For hoping that somehow, someway, it’s all a big mistake. That he really did love me. Even if it was just for a moment.”

  “Mads, don’t do this to yourself.”

  “You just don’t get it!” Madi bellowed through her sobs as her shoulders quaked and her chin trembled.

  “I don’t get it?” Kendra screeched as she shook her head and furrowed her brows. “Do you want to know why I’m a broken whore who sleeps with men without ever feeling anything for them? Because I’ve been where you are. I’ve been in a heap on the floor, thinking my life was over because of a man. They aren’t worth it, Madi. They aren’t! Every man I’ve ever known is a lying, cheating bastard, including my father. It’s why I don’t get close. It’s why I don’t care. Caring leads to love, and love only leads to heartache.”

  Madi stared at Kendra for a moment as she reached for her. Kendra slid down against the door and Madi took her hand, eyeing her expectantly.

  Kendra sighed. “His name was Joe. I know it’s hard to imagine, but once upon a time, I was a goody two shoes. Kinda like you.”

  Madi gently squeezed in response.

  “I’d never even kissed anyone before him. He was a jock and I was an insecure little rich girl who didn’t fit in. He was older and gave me the attention I never got at home. I was in high school and he was in college. I only ever met him at his dorm. You’d think that might have been my first clue. I thought the world revolved around him. If he moved, I moved. If he said jump, I fucking bounced. People say that when you’re young, you don’t understand love. That it isn’t real. But it is real. It doesn’t matter how old you are. It’s like you’re programmed to give your heart away. At least, that’s how it was for me. I felt it in my core. I loved him more than I loved myself. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for him, and he knew it. He taught me all about sex. Did things to me I’d never even known could be done. I thought we were in love. It wasn’t until he stomped on my heart that I realized that love’s just n
ot worth the price.

  “What happened?” Madi asked as she angled to face Kendra.

  Kendra sighed and took a deep breath. “I didn’t know he had a twin. Apparently, they thought it would be a fun game if they took turns fucking me. For months. People at school knew. His friends knew. But I didn’t know until I overheard them fighting when I showed up early to his dorm one night. Apparently they couldn’t decide whose turn it was.”

  Madi gasped. “Oh my God! I’m so sorry.”

  Kendra shrugged her shoulders, but Madi could see the pain was still there, just beneath her shell of armor. “It’s why I just don’t care anymore. But you, Madi, you’re different. You’re the kind of girl that is destined for romance. You deserve to be happy. You deserve a man who can see everything you are. I’ve never had a friend like you. You accept me. You get me. You love me even when I talk with my mouth full of food. You give without asking. You gave to him and he took. He never deserved you, but I know there’s a man out there somewhere who will never take you for granted. You’re just the kinda girl that gets the happily ever after.”

  “I thought he was my happily ever after.”

  “I know…” Kendra sniffed.

  “If I deserve it, then so do you.”

  “No, it’s too late,” Kendra said, shaking her head.

  “I don’t know why you can’t see it. Everything you say I am is what I see in you.”

  “No…” Kendra pursed her lips.

  “Yes! It’s true. We both deserve better.” Before Madi knew it, they were both crying. Madi reached up and put the box of tissues in between them. They both blew their noses at the same time and started to laugh.

  After the several minutes of silence that followed, Madi went to shower and Kendra wiped her eyes.

  When the door opened, Rob stood. Madi noticed that the look he gave Kendra seemed softer somehow. She instantly remembered the receiver had been on the whole time. As she expelled the air from her lungs in defeat, she glanced back at Kendra, who eyed Rob suspiciously. She couldn’t believe he’d heard her crying this whole time, on top of everything Kendra had told her in confidence. Madi shook her head and mouthed “no” to Rob, and he nodded. She could never tell Kendra that he’d heard her entire story.