Dear Drama

by Braya Spice

  He looked my way, then, out of nowhere, pulled a gun out of his pocket, cocked it, and pointed it directly at me. I screamed for my life and ducked behind Greg’s car.

  Seconds later I heard my sister scream my name from the porch steps. My heart pounded like crazy, and my whole body was shaking. I kept my eyes closed, continued to duck, and prayed to the Lord above to help me and not let Greg shoot my ass! I relied on my ears to do the seeing and the hearing for me, and any small movement or noise set my nerves on end. I was just waiting for the click of the gun and the bullet shooting right into me.

  I tried to make myself invisible by curling into a ball near the back tire of Greg’s car, and I tried to stop breathing and moving. But somehow I knew Greg was standing right over me with the gun. “Somebody help me,” I whispered.

  James’s voice gave me hope. “What are you doing, man? Don’t do that!”

  Bravely, I opened my eyes to see Greg’s eyes dart from me to James, then to the gun, then back to me again. And just as quickly as he pulled it out, Greg tucked the gun back in his pants, got in his car, and drove away.

  James rushed out of the car and grabbed me. “Allure! Allure! Are you okay?”

  While I was ducking behind Greg’s car, I had somehow lost one of my slippers. I searched for it blindly in the dim light but couldn’t find it.

  Crystal ran over next. “Allure, are you okay?”

  “Yeah.” I looked at James. “James, go home,” I said.

  He looked at me as if he was going to argue, but he got in his car and said, “All right, but call me in ten minutes!”

  After he pulled away, I looked around again for my slipper but still couldn’t find it.

  My sister watched me, shaking her head. “That stupid motherfucker!”

  I rubbed the side of my face with my hand, silently.

  “Come on, Allure. Let’s go in the house.”

  I sat on the couch and made an attempt to calm my aching heart and watched my sister pace in front of me. “I can’t believe this shit!” She stopped pacing. “You need to get a restraining order against his crazy ass before he really hurts you.”

  I nodded, but I never felt it would do any good. I thought back to when I threatened him with one before, and remembered his words. Get one and I’ll beat your ass. I’ll go to jail, and I’ll get out, and when I do, I’ll beat your ass again, go back to jail, and guess what? I’ll get out and beat your ass again.

  “He needs to be in jail, and you also need to move, Allure.”

  “Crystal, I can’t just up and run every time Greg does something stupid.”

  She put her hands over her ears. “I wish I could kill his psycho ass myself, pulling a gun on you!”

  I was silent.

  And she said, “You know what you need to do. I know you feel this sense of loyalty to Greg and you want to keep the courts out of this, but he is a threat to your safety and Sierra’s.”

  She was right. Of all the things to do to a person, Greg had chosen one of the worst: pulling a gun on me. What if it had gone off by accident? I could be dead and Greg could be in jail for the rest of his life and Sierra would have no parents! Despite all his talk of changing, and despite me thinking I had put my foot down and he’d got it, Greg never really had. He still thought he was in control of my life and how I lived it. He still thought he could dictate what went down and he could put a stop to my love life if he wasn’t in it. And if I let this shit go, this crazy shit he did tonight, I would be allowing him to do just that. Who knew what he would try next? I was giving him too much room to continue to fuck up. I had to do something about it. One thing I knew, if I didn’t know anything else, was that if anyone or anything was a threat to the foundation you had for your kids, they had to go. That meant Greg.

  I filed a police report regarding Greg pulling a gun on me. Funny thing was, they told me that since the economy was so bad, they were locking people up and then letting them out in a couple days unless it was a serious crime. Crystal was so upset about this that she almost cursed out the officer who took down the report. The officer advised me to get a restraining order against Greg. Crystal loaned me the money, and the next day, I went and did just that. Now Greg wasn’t allowed to be within one hundred feet of me. Nor was he permitted to call me.

  I was surprised to find out that because I was low income, I could pay only a small fee, one hundred bucks, to Legal Aid in Long Beach and have an attorney help me fill out all the paperwork and help me file the restraining order. Since the fee was so small, I knew I could give my sister back most of the money she had let me borrow. I also found out that I didn’t have to bring Sierra to a police station for Greg’s visits. I just had to find a neutral person to supervise the visits. I had to be able to drop Sierra off with that person and contact him or her by phone. Since no one in my family and none of my friends were willing to deal with Greg, because he was so fucking ignorant, I turned to his mother. From that point forward his mama was the go-to person when it came to seeing Sierra.

  I was so relieved to have it done, because I felt a lot safer with the law involved indefinitely and Sierra was still able to see her father. The visits were conducted at his mother’s house. We worked it out so that I dropped Sierra off at a certain time and then Greg came to visit. He was not allowed to arrive before his visiting time, which would give me time to get Sierra there and then leave without ever seeing him. If Greg showed up earlier than the appointed time or stayed longer, it was a violation of the restraining order and he could go back to jail.

  I was so grateful to my attorney that I hugged her. I think she saw that I was not trying to keep Sierra out of Greg’s life, but that I as merely trying to protect Sierra and myself. Greg was also not allowed to take Sierra anywhere. My attorney said that the judge would review our case in another six months, and that if Greg followed all the guidelines, the judge would consider allowing Greg to take Sierra home with him for visits.

  When I finished all my court business the day I filed the restraining order, I picked up Sierra and cooked a light dinner. Sierra and I ate, and I put her to bed. The night was so hot—it was the middle of summer—that I couldn’t fall sleep. I took a shower, hoping that would cool me down, threw on a T-shirt and some shorts, and lay back in bed. I had just dozed off when I heard someone tapping on my front door.

  My heart pounded a little, because part of me expected to find Greg behind that door, planning to finish what he had started, but the face behind the door belonged to James.

  I opened the door, and he strode inside. I closed the door and rested my back against it, watching him.

  “Why haven’t you called me?” he asked.

  Truth be told, I had been avoiding James because I was so embarrassed about what had transpired with Greg. Part of me also thought maybe he wouldn’t want to see me again. To avoid hearing the truth, I just didn’t bother to call.

  “I was going to,” I told him.

  His eyes looked so angry. I tried to hug him, but he pushed me away and walked to the center of my living room. He just stood there, his hands in his pockets. “Are you still fucking with your baby’s father?”

  “What?”

  “Allure, don’t do that. I hate it when you do that shit. You heard what I said.”

  I was silent for a long moment. Finally, I said, “No. He just won’t accept that we are over.”

  “You know, you could have at least warned me about what I was up against. All this time I’ve been with you and not once did you tell me you had a crazy motherfucker who is in love with you.”

  “I didn’t tell you at first, because I didn’t think we would get past one night. Then, when I started to care about you ... I’m sorry. I was scared it would push you away.”

  James nodded stubbornly. “I could have killed him, Allure.”

  I tried to kiss him, hoping it would make him forget that I had fucked up.

  “Stop! Listen!” He shook me a little. “I could have killed him, and your c
hild would be without a father right about now.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I have a piece, too, Allure.”

  I looked at him stupidly.

  “Yeah. Under my seat. You don’t think I’d drive a truck like that without some sort of protection, do you?”

  “I never thought about it, because I never thought something like what happened last night would ever happen, James.”

  “Well, it did.”

  “It won’t happen again. I got a restraining order against him.”

  I didn’t want to think about it—what could have happened, what happened, nothing. I tried to silence him with my lips and by rubbing my body against his. Twice he broke the kiss and said, “I could have killed him, Allure.” And after another kiss he murmured over my lips, “My life would be over.”

  “I know,” I whispered. “And I’m so sorry. I’ll make it up to you.”

  At those words he devoured my mouth and forced one hand down into my shorts. He pulled my panties aside and slipped two fingers deep in me. I moaned and felt my legs weaken—he held me up and continued to play inside of me. He forced my hand up against his erection. At first I pulled away, but he fingered me harder, so I rubbed him back and forth. He groaned and licked at my neck. He kept stroking me until I let out a long moan and felt myself cum all over his hand. He left me standing there, sagging against the wall, and went into the bathroom. He came back with a washcloth, which he dried his hands with.

  “Allure, when are you going to stop playing games and let me be with you, really be with you, baby? Let me move in. Let me be around your daughter.”

  Wow, I thought. I wasn’t expecting him to ask for that. I was flattered beyond means. But still I felt it was too soon to be shacking up with a man. And truth be told, I really didn’t want to. So I told him, “I’m not ready yet.”

  “Not ready? What do you mean? It’s been over six months. What more do I need to do to show you that I want to be with you?”

  “What if it doesn’t work out? What the hell will I have left?”

  “Left of what?”

  “Myself. I have been through enough. I can’t get hurt again,” I said firmly.

  “Why would you think I’d do you like that?”

  “Because I’ve been done that way before and it hurts, and I don’t want anything like that to happen to me again!”

  “Oh God, Allure. I would never do anything to hurt you, baby.”

  “How am I supposed to believe that, James?”

  “Because I’m telling you.”

  “Men have told me that before. I’ve had my heart broken before. James, I can’t just go by words.”

  “Then what can you go by?”

  “Actions.”

  “Baby, haven’t I showed you that I’m not going nowhere? Your baby’s father could have fucked up my world last night, and I’m still here. If that doesn’t show you that I want to be right by you, then I don’t know what will!”

  “What if I were to fall in love with you and you decided to start tripping, dipping out? You know how you men do.”

  “Is that what this is about?”

  “Some of it is. The rest is about me. I’m trying to share my life with somebody. I’m not some teenybopper running around. I have a child, so what applies to those types of women just can’t apply to me because of that. I have to be constantly aware of what I do and who I bring home to her. And chances are that’s going to be one man ... for life. I’m not trying to run around with several of them. I need to give my daughter a stable life. What I am saying is that you have to be real with me. Right. Or you need to walk out that door.”

  “I will be, baby.”

  “How do I know that, James?”

  “It’s called trust, Allure. Baby, you have to trust me, or we’re not going to get anywhere.”

  “I do trust you, but—”

  “But what?”

  “I’m just scared.”

  “Scared of what?”

  “Getting my heart broken again. I don’t think I’ll be able to deal with it again.” I started to cry weakly. I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t help it.

  He sighed deeply. “Allure, come here.”

  I walked over to him.

  “Look at me, baby.”

  I did.

  “I’m not going to do anything to hurt you. I’m not going anywhere. Allure, I love you. Understand?”

  I gave him a big ole Kool-Aid smile upon hearing that. And he sounded sincere. So I let him hold me.

  Chapter 15

  “When are you going to say it, baby?”

  “Say what?” I asked James.

  Finally, I had let him meet Sierra, and we were in San Diego, at Sea World. James had got us a room out there. Sierra was snoring in the bed across from us, while James cuddled with me in the other bed. It felt good, oh, so good, to finally have a man that cared about me.

  Three months had passed since the whole gun situation, and I was back in school, I had graduated from Long Beach City College and was starting my first semester at Cal State, Dominguez Hills. I was able to get a job in their child development center as well. James was so proud of me. He had kept his word and had been treating me like a princess. Now it was nine months and counting that we had been together! Sierra had grown to care for James. I hoped he didn’t disappoint her.

  “Look, it’s something you gotta give me time on,” I added.

  He chuckled. “You know damn well you love me, girl. But I’ll give you all the time you need.” He reached over me and turned out the lamp. Then he held one arm in the air so I could lay my head on his chest. Man, I loved doing that! There was just something about waking up in a man’s arms. It made me feel safe, protected. Like I could be soft, vulnerable. As a single parent, it seemed like I always had to be strong, rigid.

  When I felt my eyes get heavy and my body relaxing, I whispered, “James.”

  “Yes, baby?”

  “I do love you.” Then I drifted off to sleep.

  Soon I was dreaming. Must have been wet dream. Naw, women don’t have wet dreams. Still, I was dreaming that James was fucking my brains out with his dick and I was wet.

  “Ooh, yeah, baby,” I moaned when he slid his dick out, then shoved it in only a little. “Don’t tease me, baby.”

  He shoved it in a little more, raised my legs to his shoulders, and ran his tongue across my nipples.

  I moaned again. “Oooh, baby.” I felt the muscles in my pussy tighten up. I felt him go harder and deeper, to the hilt. I felt my head hit the headboard of the bed. That was when I knew ... I wasn’t dreaming. James was making love to me while I was asleep.

  My eyes shot open. I blinked them a couple times, until they focused. James was over me, having a good old time.

  He licked my nipples again and sensations hit me, but still I asked, “James, couldn’t you have woken me first?”

  He looked at me and kissed my tart mouth with his tart mouth. “I did wake you up.”

  “You got a condom on, don’t you?” I asked.

  “Yes, baby. Let Daddy get his.”

  He was using his fingers to massage my clit while he pumped into me.

  I moaned and stroked his head, which was on my chest, and he played with my nipples again with his tongue.

  He kept on rubbing my clit and entering me until I felt my legs begin to shake, and then he went deeper and deeper until we both exploded at the same time.

  Then I fell right back to sleep.

  Something isn’t quite right with me, I thought as I ran out of my syntax class for the second time today to throw up. First, I assumed it was the tacos I had last night, but if that was the case, Sierra would be throwing up, too, and her babysitter would be blowing up my cell phone. Then I thought maybe, just maybe, I had caught a stomach flu. But stomach flu didn’t make you sleepy, and I had no diarrhea and fever. I just kept puking up everything I shoved down my throat! Finally, it dawned on me that I might be pregnant.


  The doctor confirmed it for me. I was pregnant. But how in the hell could I be? Especially after the shit Greg had done to me, giving me chlamydia. In addition, I had always been adamant about condoms. So how in the hell could I be pregnant? I was eight weeks along according to the doctor. See, my period was irregular, so sometimes two or three months went by and I wouldn’t have a period. Most said I was lucky to be this way. And I was, but it just sucked in situations like this.

  “How many?” I asked. I had to make sure he’d said what he said.

  “You are eight and a half weeks along.”

  I counted back and muttered, “Oh God.” So the San Diego trip was when I got knocked up. Seemed impossible, because I had bought a big box of Magnums when we were there.

  While Sierra jumped with joy at the news, I sighed. The last thing I needed was a baby right now. I was only twenty-three and was still in college. What the hell? I instantly felt disappointed with myself. I felt I was careful, even though nothing was 100 percent. Financially, I could not afford another child. Dread filled me. All another baby would do right now was slow me the fuck down. But I also knew there was no way I was getting an abortion, so I had no choice but to get ready for another baby. And hopefully, since James had a job and we were together, he could give me some support. I didn’t quite know how he would take it, if it would make him happy or not. But no matter his response, I had to tell him. Therefore, I wasted no time calling James’s ass.

  As soon as he picked up at work, I shouted into the phone, “I’m pregnant!”

  Silence.

  I gave him a few seconds before repeating, “I’m pregnant.”

  “Yeah, I heard you. How did this happen, Allure?”

  “To tell the truth, I don’t know, James, because we always use condoms.”

  He took a deep breath. “Baby, let me call you back in an hour.”

  “Okay, I’m—”

  Before I could finish, he hung up the phone in my face.

  Now that hour was more like two, then three, then four. Then a day passed. Then more days came and went, turning into a week, and he still hadn’t called me. And that would have been fine and all if he were dead or incarcerated or if my ass wasn’t now nine weeks pregnant. It bugged the shit out of me. So that was why when I woke up that Saturday, I stomped into the kitchen to call his number. Before I could, however, my phone rang.