No Hitmen in Heaven

by Dan Taylor

  “Excuse me. Sir.”

  Randy and I are walking hand in hand, making a beeline for the exit, when I feel a prod in my back.

  I turn ‘round to find nose-hair lady stood with her hands on her hips. “It’s our policy here at Hugs that all the children tidy up after themselves.”

  I look ‘round to find that she’s right. The place is immaculate.

  She nods at the train set. I give her a look that says “come on!” but she remains indignant.

  Leaving Randy where he is, I start pulling apart the train set and shoving pieces of track and painted trees and bridges into a plastic box by the side of it.

  “That’s not really the point, sir.”

  I ignore her, having learned that trick from Randy.

  With it packed away, surely now we can leave.

  I’m wrong.

  “By my watch, you’re ten minutes late. I’m going to have to charge Ms. Hancock,” she says.

  We’ve nearly made it out the door. I kneel down next to Randy, say, “Go wait outside, will you, kiddo.”

  He walks outside, his chin resting on his chest.

  I turn towards the battleaxe. “Not in front of the kid. On top of his mom becoming a ‘cripple,’ he’s got to put up with his shitty uncle arriving late to pick him up. I’ve made my peace with those two things, but I won’t make my peace with you making him feel shittier.” I take out my wallet. “How much is it?”

  She looks ‘round innocently, as though without provocation I had a go at her.

  She says, “I suppose I can let you off this time.”

  “I don’t want you to. How much is it?”

  “$50”

  I count out the cash, but then think of something. I count out another $2000, hand it to her. “Here’s the tuition for the next however many months. Don’t let my sis know I gave it to you. If she asks, make out it’s an accounting error, something you can’t rectify, despite your best efforts. Having met you, I’m sure she’d believe the story.”

  She utters a sheepish thanks as I go.

  $2000 doesn’t go far when it comes to my sis and her hospital bills. I’m no hero, but I try my best.

  As we walk to my car, Randy says, “Why’d you give her all that money, Uncle Jake?”

  “Told her it was a down payment for an appointment with a beauty therapist.”

  Randy laughs, and I’m happy to have distracted him for a couple seconds. Then he says, “Luke said he saw a lion jump out of her nostril hair one day.”

  It’s my turn to laugh. “Tell Luke he’s got a future on the comedy circuit.”

  Randy thinks for a second.

  “Where have I got a future, Uncle Jake?”

  “Wherever you want, kiddo. Wherever you want.”

  I’m no hero, but I try my best.

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