I always thought I would be married and have at least two kids by now, but with each passing year I had to accept that it might not be in the cards for me. Last month I decided that I was going to adopt or go through IVF this year. There was no law saying that I had to be married to have a kid, and that was something I wasn’t willing to wait on any longer.
I tried to refocus on the book I was attempting to read, but my thoughts kept wandering back to the man I’d left sitting in the cafeteria. He was still sexy as hell. The years had been kind to him. He obviously took care of himself because his muscled arms and chest had been about to rip through his tight grey Henley.
I bit down on my bottom lip. I should not be thinking about how great he looked. Rhys had broken my heart and I shouldn’t ever want to see him again. Right?
My phone startled me as it blared out Rhianna at me. Taylor’s name flashed across my screen and I groaned. I loved her, but I didn’t want to get into all this right now. I hesitated a second before answering.
“Hey. How are you doing?”
“Fine. I just wanted to give you an update on Stephen.”
I’m seriously an awful friend.
“How’s he doing?”
“The swelling hasn’t gone down as much as the doctors had hoped, but they are still trying to be encouraging. We just have to wait for him to wake up on his own.”
I sighed. It wasn’t exactly the best news. “I’m sorry about yesterday. As soon as things settle down for you, I’ll tell you everything.”
“Why don’t you come up to the hospital and have coffee with me? Lord knows I could use the distraction. Lexi is here and I’m ready to knock her into tomorrow. Things aren’t pretty.”
I laughed. “Sure, give me half an hour and I’ll be there.”
I guess my dirty little secrets were going to come to light sooner than expected.
Taylor looked exhausted when I found her. Each day Stephen was in a coma was worse for her. If this continued on for much longer we would need to intervene. As it was, Gage and Jaxon had to make her go home each night.
“So tell me everything. Start at the beginning and leave nothing out,” she demanded, shoving a cup of coffee into my hands.
I sighed. “My relationship with Rhys is complicated.”
Taylor gave me a pointed look and I knew I wouldn’t get away with short, non-descript answers.
“We grew up together. I’ve known him since I was three years old.”
“Something tells me this is going to be bad.”
I messed with the lid to my cup. “We were high school sweethearts. I was in love with him and I honestly thought we would get married. He was my entire world. Rhys left one night. He wrote me a letter brushing me off and telling me that he couldn’t give me what I needed. That letter was like a slap in the face because he wasn’t man enough to actually tell me he didn’t want to be with me.”
Taylor sucked in a breath. “Can I play devil’s advocate for a minute?”
I nodded hesitantly.
“Would you have the amazing career you do right now if it wasn’t for Rhys leaving you?”
“We’ll never know, but does it really matter? I would trade all of this in a heartbeat for a family. Tay, the only thing I want is to have someone to come home to. Being a mom is something I’ve always wanted, and for a long time I felt like he took that away from me. I’ve never found anyone that has stuck around for more than a few months since him.” My eyes burned, but I wouldn’t let the tears fall. I dropped my head into my hands. “I’m sorry I’m dropping all this on you right now.”
“I need something to distract me while everything falls apart around me.”
“How’s he doing today?”
I took her hand in mine and squeezed it. She gave me a weak smile. “It’s a fucking waiting game and I hate it. I’m about to fall apart at any second, but I can’t because I need to be strong for him.”
“Stephen’s strong. He’s going to make it back to you sweetie.”
She nodded and ducked her head. I turned away to let her wipe at her eyes.
“So what are you going to do about Rhys?”
“Nothing. There’s too much history there.”
She narrowed her eyes. “You are really going to let him get away this easily?”
“What am I supposed to do? Forgive him and make lots of babies? I haven’t seen him in twelve years. We aren’t the same people we were. To you guys, I’m happy bubbly Amanda, but I don’t think I could ever do that with Rhys.”
“He’s still a good person, Amanda. He told me about you. He said that letting you go was one of his biggest regrets in life.”
I scoffed. I wanted to believe it, but there was no way possible. He couldn’t still be pining for me all these years later could he?
“Taylor, I’ll probably never see Rhys Brooks ever again. And if I do, there’s no way in hell I’ll ever be able to forgive him.”
She sighed. “Just remember that life is too short to hold onto fear and regret.”
I hated that she knew it first hand, and I felt guilty that I was being so negative. This wasn’t me. In the past I would have forgiven him easily, but there was too much regret wrapped up in blame. It was time to move on with my life. Maybe I could try to forgive him for Taylor’s sake.
Being an actress makes you so self-conscious. You’re always being told you’re too…something. Everything. I’ve been told over the years that I’m too skinny, too fat, too tall, too short, too muscular, too flabby, too blonde, not blonde enough. A director once told me I was too perfect for a role. It takes tough skin to be in this business. Over the years it’s been hard not to develop some serious self-doubt, but the people around me help keep me sane. Otherwise I would just be another alcoholic has-been actress.
Staying average is hard, but I’ve managed it over the years and because I don’t rock the boat, I get a lot of roles; some great roles, in fact. I’ve worked my butt off and for the first time ever I don’t have a goal in mind. Well, the part of being a wife and mom are one that I would love to play, but that seems out of reach.
People also think they know you, but they don’t. Not the real you anyway, they know some shell of your personality and believe they are your best friend. The actual list of people that know the real me is incredibly small. I may seem quiet and reserved to the outside world, but I’m not. Not when you really get to know me.
I sipped on my wine. Why was it that I went introspective each time I sat down lately? All I thought about was if I had actually achieved anything in my life. People knew my name, but that didn’t keep me company at night. Even crowded nightclubs were lonely. My friends were wonderful, but I longed to have that one person to come home to each night.
You used to have that.
Rhys Brooks. Maybe I was reflecting on my life because he’s the one that changed my path. I would have been happy living in our small town and being his wife. But he never even gave me the chance.
Lucy poked her nose in my hand and I pulled her up on my lap. She nuzzled my neck and lay her head down to snuggle in. At least someone wanted my affection. I stroked her soft fur as I made a mental list of all the things I needed to do to put the house on the market.
The doorbell woke Lucy from her nap. She jumped off my lap and ran for the front door, barking the entire way. It was nearly impossible to open the door unless I picked her up.
“Lucy, stop.” I opened the door and was shocked to see Rhys peering back at me. “Rhys, what are you doing here?”
I gave the puppy a dirty look when she started to whine. Rhys looked at me questioningly and then took her from me. The traitor instantly calmed down.
“I just wanted to make sure you’re alright. You seemed out of it earlier and I was worried.”
“I’m fine. I appreciate you checking in on me, but you could have just gotten my number from Taylor. She’s probably dying to hear your side of the story anyway.”
“Who do you think gave me you
r address?”
“I’m going to kill her,” I mumbled.
“You should give her a free pass on this one. Stephen’s still not waking up yet. The doctors are worried because he should have started showing improvement and he hasn’t.”
I winced. “Taylor told you that?”
“No, Jaxon did. I caught him in the hall as I was leaving the hospital earlier.”
“This day just went from bad to worse. Do you want to come inside? I have wine and whiskey. I’m drinking wine, but I think this day requires something a little stronger.”
“Whatever you’re having is fine. I’m surprised you’re even letting me in the door. You seemed so final in your goodbye earlier.”
He trailed behind me as I started towards the kitchen. I wasn’t going to play hostess for him. If he wanted to join me, he could damn well find his own way. Plus he had tamed my ferocious guard dog in two seconds flat. She was currently trying to lick his face as he carried her in his arms.
I grabbed two glasses down from the cabinet and as I did, my shirt raised up showing a few inches of skin. Rhys was staring very intently at those two inches when I turned around.
“Not that I’m not flattered, but I’m not really in the mood.” That made Rhys blush. Score: Amanda one, Rhys zero. “So why are you actually here Rhys? I don’t buy that you wanted to check in on me.”
“Can’t an old friend visit once in a while?”
“Maybe when it hasn’t been twelve years and even more history behind them, sure, but something tells me you want more. If you’re looking for the girl from back home, she died a long time ago. When you left it killed her.”
He winced, but wisely didn’t comment. I nodded my head for Rhys to follow me out to the back deck. Sneaking a peek over my shoulder I tried to figure out what had actually brought him to my house. The look he had on his face was indecipherable, but I didn’t regret what I said. I poured him a glass of whiskey and handed it to him, careful not to let our fingers touch. He looked out at the ocean and whistled.
“That’s an amazing view.” He paused. “You have a beautiful house, Amanda. I know my opinion doesn’t mean much, but I’m proud of you.”
I pursed my lips. “Why are you here, Rhys? I know it’s not to tell me you like the scenery from my deck.”
He crossed over the pressed wood almost silently. He set down his drink on the banister and turned towards me. I shivered as his hands ran down my face gently. “Because I’ve missed you, and because I can’t just let you slip from my fingers again.”
I swallowed hard. “You’re the one that left.”
If only I could read his mind like I used to.
“I’ll never make that mistake again.”
He bent to kiss me, but I took a step back, stopping him in his tracks. I wasn’t ready for that. I wasn’t ready for him. My defenses weren’t strong enough to face whatever was still between us. Rhys was the boy that should have been mine forever, but he left me and every plan we ever made together. Now the man that I dreamed about frequently stood in front of me, better than anything I could have imagined.
He dropped his hand and gripped the banister. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”
I wanted to comfort him and tell him that yes, he should kiss me because I’ve missed him more than I’ve missed taking my next breath. The tension between us should have been thick and cloying, but it wasn’t. Everything was amazingly natural like it always had been.
“It’s okay,” I said softly. He stared out at the ocean as I curled up in one of the huge, comfy lounge chairs. “Things are different now. I’m so pissed off at you I could shove you off the deck, but I should be over it. Everything that happened between us was a lifetime ago.”
He chuckled. “I should let you shove me off the deck. I was a fucking idiot. Maybe we should talk about the past.”
I nodded slowly. “We should, but not right now. Right now, I just want some peace and quiet. If you want to stay here with me, you can. It’s been a rough week, and I really don’t want to be alone.”
“I know that I’m not your favorite person in the world, but I’m here for you if you need me.” He leaned back on the banister. Something about how he was standing reminded me of the carefree kid he used to be. Maybe it was all an act?
I stared at him, trying to figure out what I wanted to say. He looked pensively out into the churning ocean.
“Did you ever lie to me when we were growing up?”
He took a drink to try to buy time in giving his answer. I searched his eyes as I waited. “I never lied; I just didn’t tell you the whole truth. There were things that happened with my dad that I hid from you because I was trying to protect you. That man was a monster and I didn’t want him anywhere near you.”
I paused for a beat. “Was?”
“He died five years ago.” He sighed. “It makes me a horrible person, but when he was gone I finally felt like I could breathe. He was a noose around my neck for so long. I lost too much because of that bastard.”
He looked at me pointedly and I flushed. “I would say I’m sorry for your loss, but I don’t think it’s appropriate.” I took a drink of wine, needing to do something with my hands. They itched to run up the hard lines of his stomach and chest. Every memory I had of Rhys was running through my head and I wanted it to stop.
“Thanks all the same,” he said quietly. “I’m sorry I didn’t say anything. It had to be a shock to hear the rumors when I left.”
“What rumors? Rhys, no one said anything or knew why you left. That was the hardest part of everything. I get that you wanted to protect me, but why did you feel like you couldn’t tell me the truth?”
“No one said anything?”
I shook my head.
“You knew all about my parents. They weren’t anything to write home about and I had some pretty bad stuff going on myself. Can you tell me now?”
He shrugged and turned back towards the water. “You’re parents were an alcoholic cake walk compared to my dad. He was one of the worse people I knew, and I was terrified that I would turn into him if I stayed.”
“Do you really think that Micah or I would have let that happen?” I hissed.
He was quiet for a long time before answering. “I don’t think you could have stopped it.”
“I don’t believe for one second you would have laid a finger on me.”
Rhys took another sip of the whiskey and I pressed my glass to my lips. For one brief moment we were getting somewhere, but Rhys shut down on me. We stared out at the sunset in silence, each lost in our own thoughts. The sky might have been clear, but there was a storm brewing between us. We would either face it together, or let it destroy us completely. Only time would tell.
My day had been one of those horrible, awful, no good, very bad days. I’d bombed an audition, spilled an entire iced latte in my car, and rolled my ankle at the gym. Seriously, I had to catch a break at some point.
As I was leaving the dry cleaners, I ran smack dab into the middle of a muscled chest. A small oomph left me as I hit the person and bounced backwards. Just my luck, I tumbled, heading face first towards the ground. Large hands grabbed my waist, saving me from a very embarrassing, painful fall. When I looked up, startled electric blue eyes met mine.
I groaned.
Why him?
I wasn’t ready for this today. We had done okay for a while the other day, but I let him in at a weak moment. Honestly, today wasn’t much better, but I didn’t know that I could fight against him anymore. If he wanted me, he could have me.
“Are you okay?”
I rubbed my elbow as I straightened. His fingertips raised goose bumps on my skin as he loosened his grip on my waist.
“Yeah, I’m just ready to go back to bed and pretend this day never happened.”
Rhys grimaced, and I felt guilty.
“Sorry, I’ll just—”
“No, I’m sorry. That came out totally wrong. I’ve just had an awful day. Thank
you for saving me from a second injury today.”
He cocked his head to the side. “Second injury? What happened?”
I pointed down to my ankle. “Sprained. I’m supposed to be off of it, but I have too much to get done. I can’t just sit around with it elevated.”
“Is there anything I can do to help?” he asked cautiously.
I smiled weakly. “No, but thank you.”
He took a step back to let me go by. A small cry slipped out as I put my weight down on my left ankle. His hand grabbed my arm to help keep me from falling, and a shiver of electricity worked its way up my spine.
“Mandi, are you sure you’re okay?”
Tears pricked at my eyes.
Damn it.
I was so sick of pretending to be strong all the time. It was exhausting putting on a brave face. Rhys pushed back a strand of my long blonde hair that had slipped out of my ponytail. This man would know if I was lying anyway. I shook my head.
“I’m not okay,” I whispered. “Not really.”
I choked back a sob as his hands rubbed my back soothingly. My breath caught in my throat as our eyes met. He crushed me to his chest as his arms wrapped around me. I might or might not have run my hands up those muscled arms, enjoying the feeling of his skin underneath my fingertips.
I was weak, sue me.
For the first time in too long I finally felt like I had control of my life, but things were quickly spiraling out of control. I understood all too well how quickly it could change, but I couldn’t do a damn thing to slow it down.
“Let me help you, Shortcake.”
I snorted at his use of the ridiculous nickname he’d given me in high school. The corner of his lips turned up in a soft smile and my breath caught in my throat as he gently wiped away the tears that streamed down my cheeks.
“There’s nothing to help with. Really,” I insisted. “I’m just having a bad day.”
Selfless: A Relentless Series Novella (The Relentless Series Book 3) Page 2