Jia: A Novel of North Korea

by Hyejin Kim

I wondered what was happening back in Pyongyang; had Director Park and Seunggyu discovered my disappearance? I hoped I hadn't caused trouble for Director Park.

  It didn't feel as if the ground I was stepping on was that of a different country. The grass, rocks, trees, and sky were the same as those I knew in North Korea. Sometimes, from the bushes, we saw farmers or houses in the distance; the houses had exactly the same shape as ours, and the farmers' faces and clothes didn't seem so different from mine. I kept reminding myself, I'm in a different place now. All of this is new.

  Sangwon and I were so afraid, we barely talked as we walked. Sometimes we gestured to each other or whispered, "Don't worry." That was all we could do. The food we had brought was already gone, and we needed to preserve our energy. Sangwon would pull the bark from a certain kind of tree and strip off the white insides for us to chew. Chewing made the wood softer; eventually I could taste some flavor, and the bark kept us from starving.

  The deeper we got into the mountains, the safer we felt. Sangwon explained that we were going to the cave he stayed in whenever he crossed the river. He said he heard people had made the cave decades ago as a dugout to hide from a Japanese attack. There were several such dugouts deep in the mountains where people like us stayed.

  After an arduous climb, we finally reached the cave. From the outside, you couldn't tell it was a cave. There was a small mound covered with tall weeds-passersby would guess it was just an unattended grave-but behind the weeds was a round hole in the rock, just large enough for an adult to crawl through. The deeper in we crept, the wider the cavity became. Sangwon said it was safe, but in the dim light I could feel my pupils growing, along with my fearfulness.

  Dimly, I could see that a few people were already seated inside the cave. They didn't even look at us-they were unsurprised by strangers. We found a vacant place, and an old woman lying next to it propped herself up on her elbows. "Aren't you Sangwon?" she asked.

  Sangwon beamed. "Grandmother! I didn't expect to find you here."

  Weakly, she tried to grasp Sangwon's hand. "I was in another town, but I got back a week ago," she said.

  Sangwon scrutinized her. "What happened to you? Are you okay?"

  She shook her head. "I got hit by a car, crossing the street, and ran away with all my might. I was afraid the police would catch me. There was no place to rest safely in the town, so I came back here."

  Sangwon stooped over her tenderly. "How did you climb the mountain in your condition?" He rubbed her shoulder with concern.

  She smiled weakly. "It's okay. It's not serious, I'm just old. Old people are slower to recover than you kids-I'll be fine in a few days."

  Glancing quickly at me, she said to Sangwon, "She's a new face."

  Sangwon answered delightedly, "She's my mom."

  I didn't say anything, but smiled at her and at Sangwon in turn.

  Grandmother didn't ask anything more; she lay down again and muttered to herself, "Helping each other is good. Anyway, it's a long road to survive here."

  As night fell outside, people returned to the cave one by one. Some recognized Sangwon and said hello, others didn't know him and didn't care. "Is it your first time?" they asked, or, "Do you have some money to exchange for food?"

  Quietly, Sangwon explained to me how the people in the cave lived. When the sun came up, some would go to town to work or to beg for food or money, while others would climb into the mountains to look for food.

  The cave seemed to be about a hundred meters deep, and it stayed cold no matter how warm it was outside. To be safe, we couldn't start a fire, so plastic bags kept us warm as we slept.

  Every night, two people took turns acting as lookouts in front of the cave. If some people staying in the cave didn't show up for a night or two, it meant that they were arrested on the outside, or had moved on to another place.

  We were quiet and kept to ourselves. Some people cooked together, others cooked separately. They had learned to cook rice in a special way in order not to be caught by the police; it was called "cooking rice underground." You put uncooked rice in a plastic bag with water or snow, and bury it, and then light a fire on the ground with branches of bush clover. This was one of the strategies people had learned in their guerilla training, so living in the mountains wasn't difficult for them. We exchanged information about how to survive. What the men had learned from their mandatory ten years of military duty in the service of the nation was now extending our lives outside of it.

  The night Sangwon and I arrived, both of us collapsed. His leg swelled so that he couldn't walk. His fever spiked. We slept for several days like dead people.

  Three or four days must have passed. We were able to get some food from the others, and at least the seclusion made me feel safe.

  Early one morning, Sangwon woke me up and said, "Sister, I'll go to town today."

  I looked around and saw that some people were already preparing to go out. I thought I should stop him. "Not yet, Sangwon, your leg needs more rest." I rubbed his calf. It was still swollen, and bruises covered his thigh.

  "No-see?" He rose to his feet and swiftly walked back and forth, wobbling a little bit. His leg actually looked much better. "I don't have any problem walking now," he insisted. "I know my body, I'm really much better. I'll bring some food today-we also owe food to the ones who shared with us."

  I got halfway up and said, "I'll go with you."

  He pushed me back down. "You need to rest another day or two. Then we'll go to town together and I'll show you around. I'm going to get some garlic in town-if you chew three raw garlic cloves three times a day, your cold will go away."

  Sangwon followed others out of the cave, and I lay down again and looked up at the ceiling. I felt relieved. If I hadn't met that small boy, what would have happened to me?

  In the afternoon, Grandmother asked me to go find something we could eat in the mountains. She seemed to have recovered from her injuries.

  "Sangwon will bring some food," she said. "He's really smart. In the town, he even has his regular fans who give food or money only to him."

  I was feeling much better, and I thought Sangwon would be happy if I too found some vegetables or fruits to eat. I put our belongings away in the corner and prepared to leave.

  Following several women who remained, I crawled out through the mouth of the cave and emerged into blinding sunshine. I squinted instinctively, but the warmth felt so good it seemed to flow through me. As my eyes adjusted, I felt the cool air. I glanced up at the sky for a second and then back at the mouth of the cave. From the outside you would never notice the entrance; it was the perfect place for us to hide.

  I turned and found a strange man staring at me, with several others behind him. There was a brief silence, and then he said something I couldn't understand.

  The women behind me in the cave cried out, "Run away, run away! The Chinese police have come!"

  The strangers rushed toward us. The man who had stared at me tried to grab me. I pushed him and ran, jumping into the nearest bushes. Resting for several days inside the cave had made my legs weak, and I stumbled as I tried to pick up speed. Screams echoed behind me. Sangwon always said I should run without looking back, so I ran straight ahead. I felt my chest expanding unbearably. I pulled back my head to lessen the pressure on my chest, but I couldn't breathe. I felt as if I was dying, yet I ran and ran. When I could run no farther, I tumbled onto the ground.

  Exhausted and out of breath, I grabbed on to some weeds and firmly closed my eyes. If they find me, they will beat me, I thought. If they try to stand me up, I won't move at all. This place will be my grave. I felt gooseflesh all over my back. I was too scared to move, even to turn my head.

  I remembered the night my sister and I were walking in the forest. We were startled and ran home, terrified that something was following us. My grandfather had always warned us not to be outside so late. He frightened us, telling us that ghosts might catch us from behind and have us for dinner. In the years I had
spent dancing for the festival and working at the hotel, the memory of my youth in the mountains had faded. Sometimes I felt it was another lifetime, or perhaps only a dream. But all at once the terror of that night with my sister returned. I squeezed the weeds with all my might, as I had my sister's hand.

  I kept myself flat on the ground for many minutes, but nothing happened. No yelling voices, no footsteps. After a while, I turned my head and felt a tranquil wind against my cheek. Above me I saw the wide sky, the trees, the flying leaves. The sun was blazing. I breathed slowly, watching the sky. A swarm of large dragonflies flitted about. The grass was silent, save for the pounding of my heart.

  It took me hours to return the way I had run. I found footprints where I had trampled the grass, but they soon disappeared. I looked for familiar landmarks, but I hadn't been outside the cave since my arrival. I was lost. It was still day, but in the mountains nobody could guess when darkness would fall. I hoped I wasn't too far from the cave.

  I looked around me. The wind was chilly in the mountains, but I felt spring had arrived in earnest. Everywhere the trees were green with new growth. I tried to walk in a straight line, but I couldn't be sure I was going the right way. I prayed I might run into someone returning from town, but I encountered no one. I heard the sound of water flowing in the distance.

  Eventually, the sky turned completely dark, and I couldn't see two paces in front of me. I wondered if I should stop for the night. I stood still, afraid to move and afraid not to move.

  So many people escaped to China only to land in more trouble than before, spending every moment in fear, worrying for their safety. The darkness of the mountains engulfed me. What ani I looking for in this strange place? I wondered. Where are my friends?

  Each question led to another. My strength and desire were gone. I didn't have a destination. Other people had goals. Some people, after getting to China, tried desperately to travel onward to other, safer countries. Others wanted to return to North Korea with money and food. What were my goals? Right now I was looking for the cave. But after that? What do I seek here?

  My whole life, I had been a runaway: I had slipped away from my real family; I'd run away from myself until I reached what seemed like the darkest corner of the Earth.

  Before escaping to China, I had reasoned that class status was unimportant in China, that I would not be judged here. I wouldn't have to feel the guilt of shouting the daily slogans at the hotel before the Great Leader's picture, pretending to be an upright citizen. But now, despair overwhelmed me. I was not welcome here either. In China I am just another kind of criminal, wandering around in the darkness and running away in fear of being caught. Will there ever be a happy outcome to my life? If I were to die here, no one would know.

  A lump of anger burst in my chest. My parents had broken the rules, and that made me a criminal too, but what did they do that was so bad? I thought of the dancers at the hotel. I was crazy with jealousy, imagining their happy faces, their happy stories with their families. Now I could be honest with myself: I was madly envious. I was born unwelcome. Struggling like this seemed pointless. My birth was unwelcome, but at least my death would be welcome-to me, anyhow. My body lay crumpled on the grass; perhaps this was my destiny. I felt like the seven-year-old girl who was abandoned in the forest, hoping Uncle Shin would find her. But the scared woman lying in the grass now didn't have anything or anyone.

  At that moment, I heard the sound of repeated whistling. It didn't sound like an animal. It was getting closer, and I stood up abruptly and whistled back. The whistling stopped; only silence from the other side. Was it human? Who was it? I crept down again and lay still in the grass. It could be a friend, but it could be an enemy. Another whistle, closer this time. Looking in the direction of the sound, I could see a black figure illuminated slightly by the stars.

  I grabbed the long branch that I had used to beat a path.

  The figure closed in on me, whistling again, then spoke quietly. "Jia... Are you Jia?" It was a man's voice, a strange voice, but he knew my name.

  I swung the branch at him. I had nothing to lose anymore. "Right here! Who are you?"

  He stopped. "Where are you?"

  I stood up and approached him; his eyes gleamed in the darkness. It was a man who had been staying in the cave, a man who knew Sangwon. I remembered his face.

  He was relieved. "Oh! You were here. You don't know how Sangwon worried about you. Come on, I'll take you back."

  The Chinese police had captured several escapees outside the cave that day, most of them old people incapable of running away. When Sangwon returned and saw that I wasn't there, he became frightened. A woman who had watched the struggle with the policemen reassured Sangwon that I wasn't one of those who were captured. Sangwon wanted to find me, but this man stopped him and said he would look for me instead. He knew Sangwon couldn't find me with his injured leg.

  When we arrived back at the cave, Sangwon sprang to his feet, staring at me with relief. I patted his bare head and said, "I ran straight ahead, without looking back, the way you taught me." We sat in silence as he picked the weeds from my clothes. There were tears in his eyes.

  I decided not to dwell any further on the questions that had arisen outside in the dark. Sangwon, too, had wandered in darkness. Despite his determination and optimism, I could see fear and despair in his eyes. He always told me we would only be partners until we found a safe place, but he was afraid of losing me and being alone. He needed someone he could lean on, too. He needed someone to give him a reason to struggle, to keep hope alive. Just as dancing had become my purpose after being rejected by my grandparents at the orphanage, I was what Sangwon needed now. I didn't want to break his heart; I knew I couldn't disappoint him. We were not merely partners for survival. We gave each other hope.

  Grandmother's place in the cave was empty. No sooner had her wounds healed than she had fallen victim to an even greater disaster.

  Trust and Distrust

  here were regular visitors to the cave whom nobody welcomed. They called themselves intermediaries; they said they could help us start new lives, that they knew all the good jobs in China. But no one trusted them. They were only nice to the young women; when they came to the cave, they looked around for new faces. After Sangwon and I had been there for a week, three of them showed up.

  "How's everything?" one asked.

  They lounged about the cave, checking each person's face to see who was new. People just sat quietly or nodded their heads to the uninvited guests. The only reason they came was to persuade young women to go to town with them; women and children could get more food in town than a man could. If the men in the cave told them a woman didn't want to go with them, the strangers couldn't force her, but if she wanted to leave with them, nobody could stop her. We all knew they could report us to the police anytime they wished.

  Ignoring the visitors, I hugged Sangwon and pretended to sleep. One of them spotted us, however, and drew near. He nudged Sangwon in the ribs and said, "Hey, Sangwon. You cane back. We wondered if you were okay. We haven't seen you for a long time. Is your leg any better?"

  He made Sangwon stand up. "Who is this woman?" he asked. "We haven't seen her before, right?"

  He looked around at the others, but they kept their heads lowered. Moving his face close to mine, he called loudly to his friends, "Hey, check out the new face!"

  The other men approached and Sangwon glared at them, shouting, "She's my mom. Nothing interesting to you guys."

  They pushed Sangwon away and dragged me to my feet. "Sangwon, we know your mom is dead. Sorry about that," the man said. He snickered.

  The strangers watched my face intently. "She looks too young to be your mom, anyway," one of them said.

  They surrounded me. One of them leered, "This place isn't so comfortable for you. Is it, young lady?" He sat down and grabbed my hand. "You haven't experienced the harsh world yet. Your white hands and face show it."

  Sangwon barked at them, "Don't tou
ch her. I said she's my mom."

  They glared at Sangwon and he glowered back, then looked around the cave, appealing to others. There was Kangmin, who had a robust physique; he was the one who had found me, he always helped old people and children.

  Kangmin approached the man and said, "They're like mother and son, and we treat them that way, whether it's true or not."

  The man who had grabbed my hand stood up and threw Kangmin a furious look. "Why didn't you report her to us? That was our deal, wasn't it? We give you guys a nest, provide jobs for some of you, and don't give you away to the police."

  Kangmin lowered his head and said, "Sorry, but she and Sangwon really are like mother and son. She won't leave without him."

  The man came close to me again and sat down. "But she has a right to listen to what a good world we can show her," he said, with a dirty smile. "And what a nice job she can get."

  The intermediaries' job was selling women. As illegals on the Chinese side of the border, North Korean women found that their options were limited. Men could work on farms or at construction sites for a third or half the wages of legal laborers; children and the elderly could beg on the street. What could women do?

  The man was watching me very carefully. "What did you do over there? You must have had a nice job as a dancer or artist. I can tell."

  I couldn't stand him any longer and sprang to my feet. "I'm not leaving this place, so don't waste your time."

  He stood up too and smiled. "Why do you want to live in a place that looks like a bomb hit it? It's cold, and you might be captured and sent home at any moment. We are not bullying you; we can provide security and a happy life. Think about it: you're young and pretty, all kinds of opportunities await you out there, but if you reject them, you get nothing."

  I turned my back to them and took Sangwon's hand, leading him to the other side of the cave.

  The man didn't follow us, but he spoke loudly so everyone else could hear. "We won't force you, just think about it. You want to take care of Sangwon. Right? You can make money to cure his rotten leg, and help him get a regular education. Think about how pathetic he is. He'll lose his leg pretty soon. After a while, his whole body may rot."