Zero Hour (Expeditionary Force Book 5)

by Craig Alanson

  “Joe?”

  “Yeah?”

  “How do you meatsacks manage to get anything done when you have so many distractions? Biological life is way, way too complicated.”

  “I don’t make the rules, Skippy, I just get stuck playing the game. Hey, uh, what were we talking about? You said something about God?”

  “Godot. And don’t ask who Godot is, you can Wiki it later. We were talking about firing missiles at that Maxolhx ship.”

  “Oh, yeah. You told me our missiles couldn’t get close enough to do anything useful.”

  “Correct.”

  “Ok, that wasn’t even my craziest idea anyway. We could send out missiles carrying microwormholes, and use them only to passively collect targeting data. They could do, that, right? The missiles could accelerate away from us, then release the microwormholes to coast ahead of them. Would the enemy be able to detect the microwormholes incoming? I’m hoping they would be distracted by shooting at our discarded missiles.”

  “Uh, hmm, let me think about that. Joe, your ideas are so bizzarely off the wall, I can’t answer immediately. The answer is, it is unlikely the enemy would detect the microwormholes on their own, especially if I use them only for passive sensor input.”

  “Outstanding. Ok, then it is possible to use two of the microwormholes for targeting, and send the third one to crash into their ship?”

  “You want to use a microwormhole as a weapon?” Skippy whistled. “That is impressive thinking outside the box, Joe.”

  “Yeah,” I was proud of myself right then. “What I did was-”

  “You should put your thinking back inside the box, Joe. Put it in there, glue the lid shut, then drop the box in a really deep, deep ocean. Or into a star. Listen, dumdum, you would never have wasted my time if you had any knowledge of the physics involved in microwormholes. They are tiny, Joe, like, really tiny. One could pass right through the enemy ship and the only result would be a super thin air leak. Also, my ability to steer a microwormhole is extremely limited. The enemy ship is maneuvering evasively to avoid us hitting them with a maser beam; I could not move the microwormhole quickly enough to hit the enemy. Finally, you can’t use a microwormhole as a weapon, because the event horizon on the far end would shake apart and collapse when it hit the resonance of the enemy’s defense shields.”

  “Crap. Well, it was worth a shot asking. That also wasn’t my craziest idea anyway.”

  “Seriously? You have wasted my time telling me stupid ideas that you thought would not work anyway?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Joe, could you please, please tell me why you tortured me with your inane blah blah blah? Were you trying to distract me while Major Simms sets up a surprise party for my birthday or something?”

  “No, Skippy, I was not distracting you or wasting your time. I was hoping one of those ideas would work, because otherwise we might be forced to use the really incredibly crazy idea I haven’t told you yet.”

  “Oh, no,” Skippy said slowly. “Just how stupid, crazy and impractical is this idea you’re afraid to tell me?”

  “Well, heh heh, you are very much not going to like this.”

  “Joe, of all the monkey-brain ideas you ever had, this is without question the craziest! The laws of physics are shaking their heads at you because they can’t believe what an astoundingly stupid idea this is. You do realize we might tear a rift in spacetime and destroy this ship, without damaging the Maxolhx at all?”

  “I do realize that, Skippy, because you have explained it to me like fifty times already. Give it a rest, please.”

  “I can’t give it a rest, Joe. Over millions of years, designers of jump drives from various species going all the way back to the Elders have built safety mechanisms into their jump drive controller systems, specifically to prevent any misguided idiot from doing what you want me to do deliberately. So, on one side of the equation, we have the combined intelligence, experience and collective wisdom of every sentient star-faring species in the history of this galaxy. On the other side is one ignorant monkey who says ‘Duh me have idea’. Please for the love of God, tell me why I should ignore every instinct I have programmed into my logic circuits, and trust a hairless ape.”

  “Because, Skippy, monkeys kick ass.”

  He was silent for a moment, an eternity in Skippy time. “Joe, incredibly, I cannot argue with that twisted logic.”

  “You’ll do it, then? I persuaded you to ignore your logic?”

  “Yes,” he sighed. “I will do it, but not because your moronic babbling persuaded me. I’m doing this because, if this crazy idea of yours fails, it is going to be such a spectacular failure, such an idiotic forehead-slappingly stupid disaster, that I just can’t resist witnessing this.”

  “Skippy, I am touched by your faith in me.”

  “You are touched in the head, maybe. It’s too late to back out now anyway. We already committed our only three useful missiles to this lunatic venture, and tore our jump drive apart. Really, if this fails, I have to blame myself for listening to a monkey in the first place.”

  “Oh, good, Skippy. I am glad to hear you are assigning blame where it belongs.”

  “What? I did not- Oh, forget it. Microwormholes are approaching most likely search area. Remote jump drive capacitor still at ninety six percent charge. Beginning passive grid scan for the Maxolhx ship.”

  After Skippy agreed to try my idea after much protesting, arguing back and forth and finally his collapsing into utter despair because he couldn’t believe he had sunk so low as to take advice about physics from a monkey, we launched our three best missiles. The heavy warheads had been removed from the missiles, along with their active sensors and targeting systems. Inside each missile, Skippy had created one end of a microwormhole that weighed almost zero. Without all the extra mass of warhead and sensors, those missiles accelerated like a bat out of hell. They used up all their fuel in one continuous burn, then each missile released its microwormhole to coast on ahead while the missiles used their remaining thruster fuel to slow down slightly and move away from the microwormholes. The microwormholes were virtually invisible until Skippy began looking through them to locate the Maxolhx ship, and we expected the Maxolhx would be distracted by pinpointing and blasting our three discarded missiles.

  That part of the plan worked beautifully. The cluster of microwormholes bracketed the area where Skippy expected to find the Maxolhx ship. By the time the microwormholes arrived, the original targeting data was hours old. Using only passive sensors to detect a stealthed Maxolhx starship was a difficult task even for the undeniable magnificence of Skippy, considering that the event horizon of a microwormhole was so tiny it was like peering through a pinhole. “I’ve got two possible locations for the ship, Joe. One is close to an optimal location, which given our rotten luck means the enemy ship probably isn’t there. The other potential target is close to the edge of our sensor coverage, which could be a problem.”

  “How can you be sure?”

  “At this distance, with this equipment, searching for an advanced-technology Maxolhx ship, I can’t be sure,” Skippy admitted. “Their stealth gear is not the best, it’s ancient and not in good condition, but it’s still good enough to hide from most sensors. I am having to look for very faint spatial distortions where something passed in front of a star. That could be a stealthed ship, or it could be a loose cloud of pebbles from some space rock. Ok, I, I think I have got it. Yes! I’m fairly certain now, the target at the optimal location is the enemy ship. Damn I am good! Sometimes I amaze myself, and this is one of those times. Just in time, too; our missiles are approaching the target zone. We should get a reaction any second now. Tell the crew to hang on and have a change of underwear ready; this is going to happen fast and it’s going to be rough.”

  If the enemy ship was in fact the potential target near the edge of our sensor coverage, they might have the confidence to ignore our trio of missiles. Those missiles were coming in fast and would have extreme
difficulty changing course to intercept the Maxolhx ship in that location. Even though the Maxolhx could not know our missiles were dead hulks without fuel, they likely would remain silent and let our missiles glide on by uselessly into interstellar space.

  But if the Maxolhx ship was the sensor blip near the optimal point of our sensor coverage, then those rotten kitties had to see three unknown missiles coming in from three sides. As far as they knew, those three missiles would turn at any second to hit their ship. Turn, go to full power and jink side to side to throw off targeting sensors. The best time for the Maxolhx to hit those missiles would be now.

  “Yes! They took the bait, Joe. All three missiles just got vaporized. I now know where that ship is, within three thousand kilometers.”

  “Outstanding, Skippy!” I pumped a fist in the air. “Were you able to detect them firing masers?”

  “No, Joe. I wasn’t able to see anything, except for our missiles becoming clouds of particles at the same moment.”

  That puzzled me. “Then how do you know where that ship is?”

  “Trust the awesomeness, Joe. To maximize their chance of destroying all three missiles, the Maxolhx would plan for their weapons fire to reach those three targets at the exact same time. I triangulated back to where the source of that weapons fire must be, and presto! The Maxolhx are no longer hidden. If they have any brain cells, they are now maneuvering away to throw off any attempt to backtrace, but they can’t hide from my magnificence! Switching to active sensors now. I will jump when I’m ready, you monkeys only need to sit back and bask in the glow of my awesomeness. Or, you know, maybe bask in the glow of an eight hundred gigaton explosion that will destroy the Flying Dutchman, like I warned you.”

  “Do your thing, Your Magnificent Awesomeness,” I said with a nervous squeak. The need for a change of underwear was becoming more than a theoretical thing for me.

  “From where the microwormholes are now, it will take several seconds to get a return on active sensors, and as soon as the Maxolhx feel themselves getting swept by an active ping, they will try to get the hell out of there. What that means is, as soon as all three microwormholes have solid returns, I am punching the jump drive. Joe, as this may the last time we ever talk, I want to say something profound.”

  “Like what?”

  “Hold my beer.”

  Chapter Twenty Eight

  Before I get to what Skippy did, I need go back and tell you how we got to that point. Skippy was entirely correct that what I suggested we, or actually he, do went against everything jump drives had been designed to do for millions of years. The magnificent technology of jump drives, with all of their exhaustively tested, brilliantly thought-out safeguards, were no match for a monkey. We monkeys had the power of ignorance and a shiny beer can. Jump drives trembled when they saw us.

  The question I had asked Skippy was how exactly damping fields worked. I didn’t ask for the math, all I had needed was for him to break it down Barney-style for me. When we had been ambushed by a Thuranin destroyer squadron during the Flying Dutchman’s second mission, we had been surrounded by damping fields of various strengths. Sometimes, we had been able to manage a short jump. Other times, Skippy had aborted a jump in process. And a couple really bad times, the jump attempt had failed, with disastrous results for the ship.

  But each time, no matter the proximity or strength of the damping field, our jump drive had functioned at least partly while we ran away from the Thuranin destroyer squadron. As I had been intently watching the main bridge display at the time, I knew our jump drive had created a distant end point, and I had seen the jump controller system report the end point was projecting the other end of the jump wormhole back to us. Sometimes, the wormhole collapsed after the near end reached us and tried to expand to pull us through. So I understood, at the Barney level, how jump drives functioned in the constraints of a damping field. The Elder damping field covering the entire Roach Motel star system was powerful and sophisticated, but fundamentally it used the same technology that low-tech species like the Kristang employed aboard their ships.

  Skippy gave me a Barney-level explanation, which he delivered in a typically Skippy condescending and snarky tone. “Joey,” he had said, “I have done truly awesome, awesome things. But nothing tops me dumbing down an explanation of jump drive physics so you have a ghost of chance to understand me.”

  “That’s great, Skippy. One more question, please. Can a ship create a jump wormhole, but then not go through it?”

  “Huh?”

  “Follow me, Ok? Because of the damping field, the Dutchman can’t create a jump wormhole big enough for the ship to fit through. But we can create a very small, temporary jump wormhole, right?”

  “Joe, I am not following you. I’m not following you for the sake of my mental health, and because your insane babbling makes no sense. Remember, the far end of a jump wormhole is created first, so it is slightly backward in time. If we create a jump wormhole and then the ship does not go through it, that violates the laws of causality, and the universe does not like that.”

  “Uh huh, yup. Violating causality will cause the jump drive coils to explode and destroy the ship, right?”

  “Yes,” he replied slowly. “So you do understand why this is a monumentally stupid idea, yet you still want to-”

  “You still haven’t heard my idea yet, Skippy. Other than the jump drive coils exploding, is there any reason the Dutchman can’t create a temporary jump wormhole?”

  “Other than the jump drive exploding?” He asked incredulously.

  “Humor me, please. Pretend I’m the dumb little kid who keeps asking ‘why’.”

  “Oh, sure. I’ll pretend you’re the dumb kid.” I could practically hear his eyes rolling. “Ok, sure. Yes, before the drive coils are ripped apart by a pissed-off universe and vaporize the ship, a very temporary jump wormhole will be created.”

  “Outstanding! I assume there’s no way we could shoot a missile through the jump wormhole during the split second before it collapses?”

  “No, Joe,” he chuckled ruefully. “Any missile would not complete transit of the jump wormhole, it would be destroyed by the twisted spacetime in there. But you already assumed that wouldn’t work, so I am intrigued at how stupendously idiotic your idea really is, because all the things that so far have not been your idea have been impressively stupid, even for you.”

  “My idea, Skippy, is we target to open the far end of a jump wormhole right on top of the enemy ship. Like, inside it.”

  “Hoooh-leee shit.” Skippy gasped. “You want to use a jump wormhole as a weapon?”

  “Ayuh.”

  “I must admit, that is pretty freakin’ brilliant. Brilliantly stupid and suicidal, but brilliant. Joe, you do realize doing what you propose will destroy the enemy ship and us, right? If you wish to destroy the Maxolhx and the Dutchman, I can simply tell the Guardians that-”

  “No need to tell the Guardians about anything, Skippy. I want them to sleep for now.”

  “Hmmf. Joe, in our time together, I have learned painful lessons not to state categorically that something is impossible, because you ignorant moneys are too stupid to understand the concept of ‘impossible’ so you don’t let it stop you. Truly, the ignorance of your species is so profound it is kind of your superpower. Far, far too many times I have been humiliated because my vast, galaxy-spanning intelligence cannot imagine a way to succeed, and then you say ‘duh what about this’ and I am so deeply embarrassed I want to crawl under a rock and die. Or choke you. This time, I pleased myself that your argument was not with me, but with laws of physics that even I must obey. Now that I sort of understand what you want to do, I know your argument is with the very concept of logic. Joe, if we attempt a jump and the Dutchman can’t go through the wormhole, our jump drive coils will explode. Yet, apparently you somehow expect us to survive. Surely even your pitiful monkey brain can see the problem. I will break it down Barney-style for you.”

  “No need for tha
t, Skippy,” I leaned back and spun my chair around, with a big grin on my face. “Our jump drive coils will explode, but the Dutchman will survive.”

  “Joe, I just got a call from Logic. It is coming here to bitch-slap you. There is no way-”

  “We will survive because the jump drive coils will not be attached to the Flying Dutchman.”

  “Hoooo-leeeee,” Skippy didn’t finish the thought. “Whoa. I did not see that coming! Logic just told me it owes you an apology. Joe, this does not sound in any way practical, but if you can make this happen, I bow to the master.” His avatar lifted its hands and bowed in an exaggerated fashion, the ridiculously giant hat bobbing up and down. “Explain, please.”

  “We already know we can split jump drive coils into packages, rather than using all of them for each jump, right? What I want us to do is detach enough drive coils to create a jump wormhole, plus all the capacitors to feed those coils. We bundle that all together, attach it to one of the smaller Kristang Dragon-A dropships we can afford to lose, and float the package a safe distance from the Dutchman. Will that work?”