by Lesley Crewe
“So now she hates me for not telling her about Dave, and then the impossible rat delivers the worst news ever. ‘Hi, I’m your father. I’ve come to tell you that you have a fatal and horrific disease. Have a nice life.’”
“That’s not necessarily true,” Ted said. “There’s a fifty-fifty chance she doesn’t have it. And as harsh as it sounds, he did the right thing by telling her.”
“Stick up for him, why don’t ya!”
Ted held his coffee cup in both hands. “I’m not sticking up for him. I’m telling you he had no choice. Mary deserves to know her family medical history. As for whether you should have told her about her dad…well….”
“You’re going to tell me I screwed up there too.”
“No….”
“Don’t lie, Ted. I know you too well. Your ears are getting red.”
Peggy intervened. “You should have told her. You should have told me too! I didn’t know anything about him.”
“It was a summer fling. It wasn’t serious.”
“It was serious enough that you were heartbroken when he left, from what you’re telling us now. Anyone who wants revenge badly enough to keep a girl’s father from knowing her must have felt something.”
Carole looked around. “Why did I come here? Do you have a cigarette?”
“You’re not smoking!”
“Then give me one of your joints. I need something bad.”
“I’m all out.”
“I hate my life.”
“Carole, you have to stay strong for Mary,” Ted advised. “Don’t make this about you. This is about your daughter. She needs you to be there for her.”
“The worst part is that she doesn’t want Daniel to know, so I have to pretend she’s fine.”
Peggy shook her head. “That’s not good. She should tell him.”
“She said she needed time.”
Ted leaned forward in his chair. “Then for God’s sake, do as she asks. Respect her wishes.”
Peggy glanced at him. “How can she keep that from him? It’s not fair to him.”
“Ladies, just cool it. She found out exactly twelve hours ago. She might not even have the disease! Let her handle this her own way. The trouble with you Ryan women is that you go off half-cocked before you’ve thought things through!”
“Okay, you’re right” Carole sighed. “But should I tell Jerry? He’ll think I’m a horrible person.”
“You’re not a horrible person,” Peggy said. “Stop with the dramatics. If it’s going to bother you, then perhaps you should tell him. He’ll want to know why you’re distracted and upset.”
“I’m always distracted and upset. It’s the way I live my life. I don’t know anything else.”
Ted took a gulp of his coffee. “You should try yoga. It helps your body and your mind. I did it overseas and I couldn’t believe the difference.”
“I suppose Teddy-girl taught you,” Peggy said.
“Knock it off, Peggy.”
Carole leaned her head back on the chair and looked at the ceiling. “You know what would help me right now? A big fat cigar. I could smoke it or shove it up Dave’s ass.”
Talking to her sister and brother-in-law hadn’t made Carole feel much better, and she knew that Jerry was busy with his boys, so she decided to go home and talk to Mary. She wondered if her daughter had slept. Carole had laid awake all night beating herself up. Why did every decision she made always turn out to be the wrong one? Maybe there was a Guinness World Record for that category.
The question now was how they should go forward. How in God’s name would she cope if Mary had this awful disease? Having something happen to her daughter had never occurred to Carole. She had been consumed with imagining the worst for her mother her entire life. It seemed heartless that now she should have to worry about another family member. If she could trade places with Mary she would in a heartbeat. Mary was a good person who deserved the best. And Carole was a bad person for taking Mary for granted.
She thought about the night Mary had come through the door after walking home in the snowstorm, the night Mrs. Aucoin died. Why hadn’t she taken the time to pick up her child? Who else would be selfish enough to let their kid walk home in a blizzard?
When Carole got home, she searched for a piece of paper and a pen. She wanted to write a letter of apology, but all she got on the page was “Dear Mary.” The list of transgressions in her head became insurmountable and she balled up the paper and threw it away.
Goddammit.
She rang Mary’s doorbell and Daniel answered the door. Carole was sure she saw annoyance in his eyes.
“Hi. Can I speak to Mary?”
“She’s having a shower.”
“I’ll wait.”
He opened the door and let her pass through. Once they were upstairs, Daniel offered to make her a cup of tea.
“No, thanks.”
She sat on their sofa next to Roscoe. When she reached out to pat him, he jumped off the couch and marched out of the room.
“Even the cat hates me,” she said mournfully.
Daniel sat at the computer desk. “Mary doesn’t hate you. But she is reeling, and rightly so.”
“I never meant to hurt her, you know.”
“And yet she’s hurt.”
One part of Carole’s brain wanted to punch Daniel in the nose. Another was glad that Mary had this champion in her corner. But her overwhelming feeling was envy. She had never had a man stick up for her like that. The envy obliterated everything else. She rose from the couch and walked out of Mary’s apartment. Daniel watched her go without saying a word.
She went downstairs and sat alone in the kitchen. Looking around, she knew it was a dump. Not even the boys could make it nice. Their snoring was coming from her bedroom. Who would take care of them if she took some pills? How did one leave this planet on a whim? Everything was so long and involved and required careful planning, or at least a trip to the drugstore. She didn’t have the energy for that.
When Daniel told Mary what had transpired, she went downstairs and walked into the kitchen. Her mother had her head in the oven. Mary reached over and shut it off. “We don’t have a gas stove.”
Carole emerged, red and sweating. “I realize that now.”
“Get off your knees and sit down like a normal person.”
Carole groaned as she got off the floor and plunked herself onto the nearest chair. “Now I know how a pot roast feels.”
“Please do me a favour and stay alive. I really don’t need to be worrying about anyone else.”
“Daniel doesn’t like me.”
“Why do you care what he thinks?”
“No one likes me…except the boys.”
“Jerry likes you.”
“There’s something wrong with him.”
“What is it?”
“He likes me.”
Mary opened the fridge door and took out a can of Pepsi. She tossed her head towards a can in the fridge but her mom shook her head no, so Mary sat at the table, opened the can, and took a long drink. Then she placed it in front of her. “Mom?”
“Yes?”
“It’s time you grew up.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I’m tired of being your parent. I need someone to take care of me, especially now. I know I have Daniel, but you’re my mother. Act like it.”
“I told you I’m no good—”
“This is what I mean. You can’t just say you’re no good at something and absolve yourself of responsibility. You need to be better. I’ve never been able to lean on you. I need a place to lay my head. Please.”
Mary waited.
Her mother eventually nodded her head. “Okay.”
“Thank you.”
“What can I do?” Carole asked.
“What do you need?”
Mary got up off the chair and sat in her mother’s lap, resting her head on her mother’s shoulder. Carole put her arms around her daughter and didn’t say a word.
Mary spent a lot of time with her Uncle Ted over the first few months of the new year.
He ran her through all the testing options. Testing, it turned out, was an incredibly complicated and emotionally fraught process. Not the blood work itself, or the neurological exam, or the pre-test counselling and follow-up, but the implications for the entire family, and their reactions to the results. Even Mary hadn’t realized some of the major considerations for the future, like medical insurance and job security. It was a minefield that grew bigger exponentially, the more she explored the possible paths.
“What would you do if you were me, Uncle Ted?”
They were in his office. Sometimes Mary made an appointment with him just so they could sit uninterrupted. She always brought coffee for the both of them.
He sat at his chair and leaned back, cradling his cup. “I honestly don’t know. It depends on your personality, I guess. If you’re a worry-wart, knowing might help you.
“Or not. If the test were positive, you’d just worry about that instead of wondering. And if you’re laid back, knowing what’s coming might make you anxious and you’d regret it. It’s a miserable, unsolvable puzzle.
“I suggest you gather as much information as you possibly can, and make a decision based on that. I’ll put you in touch with the appropriate medical people when the time comes. Obviously talk to your own doctor and stay as healthy as you can.”
“Living with second-hand smoke all my life can’t have helped. And then Mom quits because of the dog! Can you believe that?”
Uncle Ted laughed. “I have no explanation when it comes to your mother.”
“Did you know she was jealous of Aunt Peggy when you first met her?”
“Instantly. But I also knew that she loved Peggy very much. She took me aside on our wedding day and said if I hurt a hair on Peggy’s head, she’d come after me. I thought it was pretty cute.”
Mary wondered what she’d ever worried about before, because now Huntington’s coloured everything, running through her mind like white noise. At work, she smiled at her customers but was distracted and vague. She didn’t even notice her favourite customer until she plunked a huge bag of French fries on the counter.
“Guess who I’m feeding today.”
“Sorry?”
“These are for our crows. They adore frozen French fries.”
“Oh. That’s nice.”
“Aren’t you going to ask me what my lipstick shade is today?” She pursed her lips, then grinned.
“Sure.”
“It’s Candy Crush. Isn’t that delicious?”
“Yes.”
As Mary handed the change over, the woman patted her hand. “Everything comes out in the wash,” she said sagely.
That night when Mary got home, Daniel and Roscoe were in front of the television sharing a can of Pringles. Roscoe loved to crunch up a chip or two while Daniel devoured the entire thing.
“Is that your supper?” she said.
Daniel nodded, his mouth full.
“Did you think to make something for me? You were off early.” She threw her coat and purse on the nearest chair.
He looked at her quizzically.
“What? Is it so crazy for me to want something for dinner after working all day? I make supper for you all the time.”
“What’s the matter?” he munched.
“Nothing, Daniel. Forget I said anything.”
She went into the kitchen and looked in the fridge. So much for eating healthy. There wasn’t one vegetable or fruit to be seen. “Did you eat the last of the watermelon?”
“What?”
She shouted, “Did you eat the last of the goddamn watermelon?”
“Yes! I didn’t realize it was just yours!”
“Perfect!”
Mary slumped into a kitchen chair. Daniel showed up in the doorway. “What is wrong with you? Lately all you do is get annoyed with me. I leave a towel on the floor in the bathroom and it’s like I committed a crime. This isn’t like you.”
“Maybe my true colours are showing.”
“Well, something is going on and it really bugs me that you’re not telling me what it is.”
“Why should I tell you everything? I’m a private person, Daniel.”
“Fine. Be like that. At least Roscoe enjoys my company.”
That night in bed, Daniel turned towards Mary and put out his hand to rub her back. “Still mad at me?”
“Yes.”
He turned away.
The next day, without telling anyone, Mary contacted Dave and met him for coffee. When he sat opposite her at the table she took a good look at him. He seemed incredibly tired, but other than that he was neither handsome nor ugly. He wasn’t short, but he wasn’t tall. He had freckles and thinning hair and brown eyes with thick eyebrows. She would pass him on the street and not give him a second look. Dave was invisible. Until he smiled. Then she saw herself reflected back as clear as day.
“I want to ask you something,” Mary began.
“Shoot.”
“Did you get tested for Huntington’s before you were diagnosed?”
“Eventually.”
“Are you sorry?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Okay. Now tell me about your sister.”
He was taken aback, but obliged. He told her his sister’s name was Bonnie and she had three kids and a firefighter husband. She sold quilts and raised chickens.
“Does she know about me?”
“No.”
“Does anyone in your family know about me?
“No.”
“Why don’t you tell them?”
“My parents and grandparents are dead now. It doesn’t matter.”
Mary leaned back in her chair. “You were ashamed of me.”
“I’m ashamed of the way I behaved towards your mother and you. It hasn’t been an easy thing to live with.”
“Are you married?”
“Yes.”
“Kids?”
“No. We couldn’t have any.”
Mary saw pain in his eyes. “Too bad. I suppose I’m a secret from her too.”
“At this point, yes. I didn’t have the heart to tell her about you, not until you and I established a relationship.”
Mary cupped her coffee and said softly, “I can’t be your kid, Dave.”
“I know that now. I don’t have a lot of years left. If I’d been braver I would’ve stayed away from you altogether. It’s not fair to make your acquaintance now.”
“For what it’s worth, I don’t mind being your friend.”
He smiled. “I’d like that.”
Mary stood up and held out her hand. “It was nice to meet you, Dave.”
He rose from his chair unsteadily and took her hand. “The pleasure was all mine.”
“See ya around.” She turned and walked away.
When she got home, Daniel was sitting in bed, leaning against the headboard and playing his guitar softly for Roscoe. Mary walked over, pushed the guitar away and curled up in his lap.
“I’m sorry.”
“That’s okay.” He ran his hand over her hair. “You can tell me anything.”
“I know.”
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Sheena was beside herself.
“No one in the history of the world has ever thrown up this much.” She emerged from the bathroom and flung herself groaning onto their bed.
Drew grimaced for her benefit. “Except maybe William’s wife.”
“William who?”
“The future king.”
> “Oh, spare me. At least she has a prince or princess at the end of it. And apparently I don’t have hyper…grav…something. That stupid doctor says it’s just morning sickness. I’m nothing special.”
Drew put his hand on her belly. “You are special, and so is this baby. You need to relax and enjoy this.”
She got up on her elbows. “I cannot believe you just told me to relax. You have absolutely no idea what I’m going through. If you did, you wouldn’t say such a ridiculous thing.”
“I’m only trying to make you feel better.”
Sheena grabbed his hand and kissed it. “I know…ugh.”
“Hey, if I was throwing up twenty times a day, I’d be pissed.” He pulled her off the bed. “We’re going to be late for the ultrasound.”
At least this was exciting. Maybe if she saw the baby, she’d forgive it for being so unbearably cruel up to this point. So far, the baby part was nebulous. The only sign was being nauseous around the clock.
One thing that did delight Sheena was the fact that Drew talked about the baby non-stop. He told people in the grocery store. He even bought her a T-shirt that said BABY with an arrow pointing at her stomach. She refused to wear it outside, but it made him happy when she wore it to bed.
By the time Sheena settled herself on the gurney in the darkened room, she had to pee so badly she thought she’d faint. Drew held her hand and tried to distract her.
“Please hurry up,” she moaned to the technician. “I’m about to explode.”
“I haven’t had that happen yet,” the girl said cheerfully.
Sheena wanted to hit her.
She and Drew peered at the screen but had no idea what they were looking at.
“Is it supposed to be in a muddle like this? Why can’t I see a head?”
The tech didn’t say anything as she manoeuvred the wand over Sheena’s stomach. “Just bear with me for a moment.”
Sheena looked at Drew and she could tell he was pretending to be brave.
“Are you going to tell us what’s going on? Is there something wrong?”
“No, there’s nothing wrong….”