Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes

by Clifton Fadiman

  1 The American artist Chester Harding, painting Daniel Boone’s portrait, asked the old frontiersman, then in his eighties, if he had ever been lost. Boone replied, “No, I can’t say I was ever lost, but I was bewildered once for three days.”

  BOOTH, Junius Brutus (1796–1852), US Shakespearean actor, father of John Wilkes Booth.

  1 A young actor playing a minor role with Booth in Richard III inadvertently made his entry from the wrong side of the stage. After the scene he apologized abjectly to the great actor, expecting to be given a royal dressing down. “Young man, it makes no difference to me,” said Booth kindly. “Only come on; I’ll find you.”

  2 (Booth’s profile was marred by a broken nose.)

  “You’re such a wonderful actor, Mr. Booth,” gushed a female admirer one day, “but to be perfectly frank with you, I can’t get over your nose.”

  “There’s no wonder, madam,” replied Booth. “The bridge is gone.”

  3 Booth was famous for his eccentricities, many of them doubtless a consequence of his wholehearted addiction to the bottle. Once, it is said, when playing Othello, he prolonged his death scene for quite some time. Finally terminating it, he got up and asked the audience, “How did you like that?”

  4 In later life Booth’s addiction to rum made him a problem to theater managers, though his vast experience often enabled him to perform when a lesser man would have been incapacitated. One story tells how the aged actor, putting the last touches to his makeup, staggered from his dressing room at curtain time, inquiring, “Where’s the stage, and what’s the play?”

  BORGES, Jorge Luis (1899–1986), Argentinian poet and short-story writer.

  1 During the Perón era, Borges’s refusal to hang a portrait of the dictator in his office led to his expulsion from the presidency of the Society of Writers. One night an ardent Pero-nista called on his mother and threatened to kill her and her son. “Well,” she replied, “if you want to kill my son, it’s very easy. He leaves home for his office every morning at eight; all you have to do is wait for him. As for myself, señor, I have turned eighty, and I advise you to hurry up if you want to kill me, because I might very well die on you beforehand.”

  BORGHESE, Princess Marie Pauline (1780–1825), sister of Napoleon I.

  1 A lady expressed surprise that the princess should have posed naked while Antonio Canova modeled his famous statue of her as Venus Victrix. “But,” said Princess Pauline demurely, “there was a fire in the room.”

  BORROMEO, Saint Charles (1538–84), Italian archbishop who was later canonized.

  1 Cardinal Borromeo was once rebuked for the great pleasure he took in exercising his skill at chess. “What would you do if you were busy playing and the world came to an end?”

  “Continue playing,” replied Borromeo.

  BOSQUET, Pierre François Joseph (1810–61), French soldier.

  1 The British cavalry attack on the Russian guns at Balaclava, the charge of the Light Brigade, was carried out with parade-ground steadiness of pace and discipline, despite the murderous fire from all sides. Watching the doomed advance of his allies, General Bosquet was moved to the memorable utterance, “C’est magnifique, mais ce n’est pas la guerre” (It’s magnificent, but it’s not war).

  BOSSUET, Jacques Bénigne (1627–1704), French Roman Catholic bishop and preacher.

  1 Bossuet was a precocious child, already preaching with skill and grace at the age of eight. Vincent Voiture was present at one of the boy’s sermons, which on this occasion went on until midnight. The poet was heard to remark on leaving, “I have never heard a sermon so early — or so late.”

  2 Shortly after Louis XIV had collated Bossuet to the bishopric of Meaux, the king asked some of the citizens whether they were pleased with their new bishop. They replied, rather uncertainly, that they liked him pretty well. “ ‘Pretty well!’ Why, what’s wrong with him?” asked the monarch. “To tell Your Majesty the truth, we should have preferred a bishop who had completed his education. Whenever we call to see him we are told that he is at his studies.”

  BOSWELL, James (1740–95), Scottish lawyer, author of the famous biography of Dr. Samuel Johnson.

  1 After their first meeting in the back of Tom Davies’s bookshop, Boswell assiduously cultivated the acquaintance of Johnson. Johnson enjoyed his company and conversation, and decided to grant him friendship. “Give me your hand,” he said. “I have taken a liking to you.” Some of Johnson’s other friends were less impressed by the new arrival in their circle. “Who is this Scotch cur at Johnson’s heels?” asked someone. “He is not a cur,” replied Oliver Goldsmith, “he is a burr. Tom Davies flung him at Johnson in sport, and he has the faculty of sticking.”

  2 During their Scottish tour, Boswell took Johnson to his home in Edinburgh, and Johnson there met Boswell’s wife. Mrs. Boswell did not much care for Johnson, although she received him civilly enough. She was scornful of her husband’s devotion to this ungainly, lumbering, ill-complexioned man whose manners displeased her. “I have seen many a bear led by a man, but I never before saw a man led by a bear.”

  BOTTICELLI, Sandro [Alessandro di Mariano Filipepi] (c. 1445–1510), Italian painter.

  1 A weaver set up his eight-loom workshop next to Botticelli’s house. The noise drove the painter nearly mad, but his protests remained unheeded. Botticelli hoisted a vast rock onto the roof of his own house, balancing it in such a way that it overhung the neighbor’s roof and threatened to come crashing down upon it at the slightest disturbance. The weaver, eyeing this novel sword of Damocles, came to terms.

  BOTTOMLEY, Horatio William (1860–1933), British journalist and financier.

  1 Horatio Bottomley called to see Lord Cholmon-dley. “I wish to speak to Lord Cholmondley,” he said to the butler. “Lord Chum-ley, sir,” said the butler, correcting his pronunciation. “Oh, all right,” said Bottomley. “Tell him that Mr. Bumley would like to see him.”

  2 An acquaintance found Bottomley in prison stitching mail bags. “Ah, Bottomley,” he said, “sewing?”

  “No,” Bottomley replied, “reaping.”

  BOUHOURS, Dominique (1628–1702), French Jesuit grammarian.

  1 On his deathbed Bouhours announced, “I am about to — or I am going to — die; either expression is used.”

  BOULANGER, Georges Ernest Jean Marie (1837–91), French general.

  1 When Boulanger’s mistress, Marguerite de Bonnemain, died of tuberculosis in 1891, the heartbroken general had her tombstone inscribed with the simple message: “Marguerite. See you soon.” He returned to the grave two and a half months later to fulfill his promise. Drawing his pistol, he held it to his head and pulled the trigger. (Another version of the story says he stabbed himself.)

  Boulanger’s tombstone, erected beside that of his beloved Marguerite, was inscribed as requested: “Georges. Could I really live two and a half months without you?”

  BOULANGER, Nadia [Juliette] (1887–1979), French composer, conductor, and teacher of composition.

  1 (US composer Roy Harris once described how Nadia Boulanger selected her pupils.)

  “Nadia Boulanger told me this way she has of deciding who to accept for students. Those who have no talent, and those who have no money; these are not acceptable. There are those who have talent but no money. These she accepts. Those who have little talent but much money she also accepts. But those who have much talent and much money she says she never gets.”

  BOULT, Sir Adrian (1889–1983), British conductor.

  1 At the BBC Boult frequently found himself in conflict with the administrators over their parsimony and their ignorance of music. On one occasion, when Boult was planning to perform a piece scored for two piccolo players, he was told that the budget allowed for only one. He protested, but the administrators were adamant. He took his complaint to the head of the department, Charles Carpendale. Carpendale was torn between his wish to oblige Boult and his dislike of overruling his subordinates. Having pondered for a minute, he proposed a compro
mise: “How about using one piccolo, and placing it closer to the microphone?”

  BOWEN, Elizabeth (1899–1973), British writer, born in Ireland.

  1 (Howard Moss described a dinner party given by Elizabeth Bowen one hot summer evening.)

  “She had been detained and had to shop at the last minute. When I arrived, the drinks were impeccable, everything went swimmingly. After drinks, you went into another room for a stand-up dinner. And that was rather unbelievable. Elizabeth was notoriously nearsighted and she must have gone into some delicatessen and ordered a buffet. There was a salad that looked as if it had been briefly shampooed. The lettuce leaves had suspicious ruffles. I was standing next to her, and she tasted the salad first. She turned to me and said, ‘You know, this just doesn’t have that je ne sais quoi.’”

  BOWEN, Louise de Koven (1859–1953), US suffragist.

  1 Mrs. Bowen, originally from Chicago, spent her summers from 1882 to the 1940s in fashionable Bar Harbor. Though very rich and well connected, she met with some difficulty in establishing friendly relations with the tonier eastern seaboard families. Once, driving her pony cart down a country road, she was dumped out of it when the pony shied and upset the cart. Two Philadelphia ladies came along in their carriages, noticed the dazed figure lying on the road, stopped, got out, and examined Mrs. Bowen briefly. Said one to the other, “Who is she?” Her companion shook her head. They took no further action. Finally a native islander happened to come along and sent for help.

  BOWLES, Paul (1910–99), US expatriate novelist, short-story writer, and composer.

  1 A German journalist came to Tangier, where Bowles had long made his home, to conduct a television interview. During the course of the session Bowles became more and more irritated, observing that each of her questions began with the word “Why?” When he told her that, in his opinion, questions beginning with “why” couldn’t be answered intelligently or truthfully, her next question was, “Why not?”

  BOWLES, William Lisle (1762–1850), British clergyman.

  1 When Bowles gave a Bible to Bessie Moore, wife of the poet Tom Moore, she asked him to inscribe it. She was startled to see that the absentminded divine had written: “from the Author.”

  2 Bowles’s usual daily ride took him along a road through a turnpike gate at which he had to pay twopence to the tollkeeper to allow his horse through. One day he passed that way on foot and tendered the twopence as usual. The gatekeeper, puzzled, asked:

  “What’s this for, sir?”

  “For my horse, of course!”

  “But, sir, you have no horse!”

  “Oh, am I walking?” exclaimed Bowles.

  BOWRA, C. Maurice (1898–1971), British classical scholar.

  1 Parsons’ Pleasure, the stretch of river at Oxford set aside for men’s bathing, is out of bounds for women. One day Bowra and a group of other dons were bathing there au naturel when a boatload of women, disregarding the “Men Only” signs, rowed into their midst. The dons on the bank hurriedly grabbed towels and fashioned impromptu loincloths — with the exception of Bowra, who threw his towel over his face. When the intruders had gone, Bowra explained, “I believe, gentlemen, that I am recognized by my face.”

  BRADFORD, John (? 1510–55), British Protestant martyr.

  1 Bradford was in the habit of saying, when he saw criminals going to their execution, “But for the grace of God, there goes John Bradford.”

  BRADLEY, Henry (1845–1923), British philologist.

  1 Bradley was very helpful to other scholars, supplying them with advice and material to such an extent that he once remarked that some of his best work was in other men’s books. When another scholar attacked the competence of a certain philologist, Bradley put up some defense for the victim. “Well,” said the detractor, “I suppose the man can’t be an absolute fool as he did supply that brilliant reading in naming a particular work. Bradley shifted uneasily in his chair: “To tell you the truth, I sent him that.”

  BRADY, William A. (1863–1950), US theatrical producer.

  1 “To keep up morale in my staff,” Brady once recalled, “and to fool rival producers and theatrical reporters, I always instructed managers of my road companies to add three hundred dollars to their nightly reports of box-office receipts. The system worked fine until one of them wired, ‘Only theatre in town burned to the ground this afternoon. No performance. Receipts $300.’”

  BRAHE, Tycho (1546–1601), Danish astronomer.

  1 Brahe died in Prague of, well, politeness. The astronomer had neglected to relieve himself before a long banquet given by the Baron of Rosenberg, and his good manners prevented him from excusing himself from the table during the endless meal. His bladder burst, and the resulting infection killed him not two weeks later.

  BRAHMS, Johannes (1833–97), German composer.

  1 Brahms came from a humble background, and the financial welfare of his parents was an anxiety to him. As he made his way in music, he contributed to the upkeep of their home out of his increasing but still slender resources. Knowing that his father was rash in money matters, he provided against an unforeseen economic crisis in his own way, before leaving home. “If things go badly with you the best consolation is always in music,” he advised his father. “Read carefully in my old Saul and you’ll find what you want.” His father found this advice rather puzzling. Nonetheless when difficulties arose he took down the score of Saul and opened it; there between the pages was a substantial supply of banknotes.

  2 During the period in which Brahms was still considered advanced, the Boston Symphony Orchestra ventured to play one of his compositions. Some wag changed the exit sign to read: EXIT IN CASE OF BRAHMS.

  3 As a celebrated composer, Brahms conducted his two piano concertos in Berlin and attended a dinner given for him. His host proposed a toast to “the most famous composer.” Brahms, seeing what was coming, interposed hastily, “Quite right: here’s to Mozart!” and clinked glasses all round.

  4 Although Brahms could be agreeable and interesting, he could also be difficult, sarcastic, and rude. Even his friends were not immune to unprovoked verbal attacks. On one occasion he upset a gathering of friends with a series of offensive remarks, then rose to his feet and left the room, stopping briefly at the door to say, “If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon.”

  5 A great wine connoisseur invited Brahms to dinner and in his honor brought out some of his choicest bottles. “This is the Brahms of my cellar,” he announced to the company as wine from a venerable bottle was poured into the composer’s glass. Brahms scrutinized the wine closely, inhaled its bouquet, took a sip, and then put down his glass without comment. “How do you like it?” anxiously asked the host. “Better bring out your Beethoven,” murmured Brahms.

  6 A young musician complained bitterly to Brahms about delays in the publication of his first opus. Brahms counseled him to be patient. “You can afford not to be immortal for a few more weeks,” he said.

  7 Brahms and Johann Strauss the Younger, each of whom had great admiration for the other’s work, once met in Vienna. Strauss handed Brahms his autograph book and asked if he would do him the honor of signing it. Opening the book at a blank page, Brahms transcribed the first few bars of The Blue Danube and wrote underneath, “Unfortunately not by Johannes Brahms.”

  8 Brahms, who enjoyed his food, was distressed when he became ill and his doctor prescribed a strict diet. “But this evening I am dining with Strauss and we shall have chicken paprika,” he protested. “Out of the question,” said the doctor. “Very well, then,” said Brahms. “Please consider that I did not come to consult you until tomorrow.”

  9 Finding himself cornered by a group of rather talkative ladies, Brahms made several vain attempts to escape. Finally, in desperation he took out a large cigar and lit it. Engulfed in smoke, the ladies reproached the composer for this lack of courtesy. “A gentleman doesn’t smoke in the presence of ladies,” they reminded him. Continuing to puff at his cigar,
Brahms replied: “Ladies, where there are angels there must also be clouds.”

  10 In his old age Brahms announced to his friends that he was going to stop composing music and enjoy the time left to him. Several months went by without Brahms’s writing a note. But there came the day when a new Brahms composition made its debut. “I thought you weren’t going to write any more,” a friend reminded him. “I wasn’t,” said the composer, “but after a few days away from it, I was so happy at the thought of no more writing that the music came to me without effort.”

  BRAITHWAITE, Dame [Florence] Lilian (1873–1948), British actress who made her name in Noël Coward’s play The Vortex.

  1 It was the opening night of The Vortex in Washington, D.C. At one of the most dramatic moments of the play, Miss Braithwaite had to snatch a box of drugs from Coward’s hands and hurl them out of an open window. One of the stagehands, unfamiliar with the script, helpfully threw the box back into Miss Braithwaite’s hands. The bewildered actress had no option but to throw the box again, this time with such force that it broke the edge off the window as it sailed through.

  2 Drama critic James Agate, finding himself alone with Miss Braithwaite, made the controversial remark: “My dear lady, may I tell you something I have wanted to tell you for years: that you are the second most beautiful woman in the United Kingdom.” Expecting the actress to ask the obvious question, Agate had prepared a suitable reply. Miss Braithwaite, however, did not take the bait. “Thank you,” she said. “I shall always cherish that, as coming from the second-best dramatic critic.”