Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes

by Clifton Fadiman

  “And what did he say about sin?”

  “He was against it.”

  2 A lady sitting next to Coolidge at dinner tried to coax him into talking to her. “I have made a bet, Mr. Coolidge, that I could get more than two words out of you.”

  “You lose,” said Coolidge.

  3 While Coolidge was governor of Massachusetts, two of the state senators had an argument, which ended in one telling the other that he could “go to hell.” The insulted politician went to see Coolidge to ask him to do something about it. Coolidge said calmly, “I have looked up the law, senator, and you don’t have to go.”

  4 When Coolidge became vice president, he was succeeded as governor of Massachusetts by Channing H. Cox, who came to Washington to call on his predecessor. Cox was impressed by the fact that Coolidge was able to see a long list of callers every day and yet finish his work at five PM, while Cox found that he was often detained at his desk up to nine o’clock. “How come the difference?” he asked Coolidge. “You talk back,” said Coolidge.

  5 During the first days of his presidency, Coolidge and his family had not yet left their third-floor suite at the Willard Hotel in Washington. In the early morning hours the President awoke to see a cat burglar going through his clothes, removing a wallet and a watch chain. Coolidge spoke: “I wish you wouldn’t take that. … I don’t mean the watch and chain, only the charm. Read what is engraved on the back of it.” The burglar read: “Presented to Calvin Coolidge, Speaker of the House, by the Massachusetts General Court.” Coolidge then identified himself as the President, persuaded the burglar to relinquish the watch charm, led him into a quiet conversation, found out that the young man and his college roommate were unable to pay their hotel bill and buy train tickets back to their campus, counted out $32 from the wallet (which the dazed young man had also relinquished), declared it to be a loan, and advised the student to leave (in order to avoid the Secret Service) as unconventionally as he had entered.

  6 During his presidency Coolidge was taken around the horticultural conservatories of Pierre S. Du Pont’s estate at Longwood, Pennsylvania. The party passed through greenhouses containing magnificent orchids, extraordinary and grotesque cacti, and exquisite tropical ferns, none of which brought a word of comment from the President. At last they came to the conservatory devoted to tropical trees. The President gazed about him for a few seconds and observed with interest, “Bananas.”

  7 Visiting the Amherst home of the poet Emily Dickinson, Coolidge was given a special guided tour of the house and allowed to see and handle many relics normally kept under lock and key. In the small room upstairs where Emily Dickinson had done most of her writing he was shown the greatest treasures of all: the holograph manuscripts of some of her most famous poems. He studied the handwritten sheets with some interest and then made the only observation of his entire visit: “Wrote with a pen, eh? I dictate.”

  8 A lady admirer burst into Coolidge’s office to congratulate him on a speech he had made the previous day. She reported that the hall had been so crowded she had been unable to get a seat, so “I stood up all through your speech.”

  “So did I, madam,” said the President.

  9 President and Mrs. Coolidge, visiting a government farm, were taken around on separate tours. At the chicken pens Mrs. Coolidge paused to inquire of the overseer whether the rooster copulated more than once a day. “Dozens of times,” said the man. “Tell that to the President,” requested Mrs. Coolidge. The President came past the pens and was told about the rooster. “Same hen every time?” he asked. “Oh, no, a different one each time.” Coolidge nodded. “Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge,” he said.

  10 “The ambassador of a great nation called at the White House one day for an important and private conversation with the President. Mrs. Coolidge came in as the ambassador was preparing to leave. ‘Why don’t you offer the ambassador a drink?’ she suggested. ‘He’s already had one,’ said the President testily. The next day, correspondents asked if he had anything to say about the conference. ‘No,’ said Coolidge. ‘I have nothing to say about anything else either.’ As they were leaving, he called after them, ‘And don’t quote me!’ ”

  11 An overnight guest at the White House was mystified when he saw the President at breakfast pouring some milk from his cup into a saucer. Fearful of committing some breach of etiquette, the guest imitated him. Coolidge said nothing but smiled slightly. Bending down, he placed the saucer on the floor for the cat, which had been waiting quietly under the table.

  12 Senator Selden P. Spencer of Missouri, walking around the White House grounds with Coolidge, pointed to the Executive Mansion. “I wonder who lives there,” he said facetiously. “Nobody,” replied Coolidge glumly. “They just come and go.”

  13 When Will Rogers was to be presented to President Coolidge, a friend bet him that he would not be able to make Coolidge laugh inside two minutes. “I’ll make him laugh in twenty seconds,” retorted Rogers. The introduction was performed: “Mr. President, this is Mr. Will Rogers; Mr. Rogers, President Coolidge.” Rogers held out his hand, then a look of embarrassment and confusion stole over his face. “Er, excuse me, I didn’t quite get the name.” Coolidge grinned.

  14 Coolidge became an enthusiastic angler, but his skill did not match his keenness. Asked how many trout there were in one of his favorite fishing places, Coolidge replied that there were estimated to be about forty-five thousand. Then he added, “I haven’t caught them all yet, but I’ve intimidated them.”

  15 Coolidge was once invited to break ground for the cornerstone of a public building. Having performed this ceremonial duty, he was expected to make a speech. Pointing to the broken earth, he observed solemnly, “That’s a mighty fine fishworm,” and then departed.

  16 A biography of George Washington containing libelous observations having recently been published, a group of reporters visited Coolidge to get his reaction. The President merely moved to the window, pulled back one of the curtains, revealing the Washington Monument, and murmured, “I see it’s still there.”

  17 “President Coolidge had a group of guests on the presidential yacht cruising the Potomac. As he stood alone at the rail, looking out at the expanse of water, someone exclaimed, ‘Look at that slight and slender figure! Look at that head, bowed over the rail! What thoughts are in the mind of this man, burdened by the problems of the nation?’ “Finally, Coolidge turned around, and joined the others, saying, ‘See that sea gull over there? Been watching it for twenty minutes. Hasn’t moved. I think he’s dead!’”

  18 A talkative young lady had failed to get any response from Coolidge throughout the course of a dinner party. “You go to so many dinners,” she finally remarked. “They must bore you a great deal.” Without lifting his eyes from the table, Coolidge replied, “Well, a man has to eat somewhere.”

  19 Asked at a press conference whether he would be attending a certain trade fair the following day, Coolidge replied, “I think the press already knows that I am expecting to attend.”

  “It isn’t likely you will say anything tomorrow at the fair?”

  “No,” replied the President. “I am just going as an exhibit.”

  20 One day Coolidge was waiting to get his hair cut when the local doctor came in, sat beside him, and asked, “Did you take the pills I gave you?” Coolidge was characteristically silent for a few minutes, then said, “Nope.” The doctor then asked if he was feeling better. Another long pause, then Coolidge replied, “No.” After his haircut Coolidge started to leave the barbershop when the barber suggested that he had forgotten to pay for his haircut. “Oh, I’m sorry,” said Coolidge. “I was so busy gossiping with the doctor, it slipped my mind.”

  21 A visitor to the White House approached Coolidge in a receiving line and introduced himself, saying, “Mr. President, I’m from Boston.” “You’ll never get over it,” replied the President.

  22 At the end of his elected term of office, President Coolidge issued his famous “I do not choose to run�
� statement. Anxious reporters pressed persistently for a more detailed statement. One managed to bar his way: “Exactly why don’t you want to be President again, Mr. Coolidge?”

  “Because,” answered the President, brushing him aside, “there’s no chance for advancement.”

  23 Soon after he had left the White House, Coolidge had to fill out a form confirming his membership in the National Press Club. After writing his name and address, he moved on to the space marked “Occupation,” in which he wrote “Retired.” Next came “Remarks.” Coolidge paused for a moment and then wrote, “Glad of it.”

  24 A newspaper reporter visited Coolidge in his retirement and noted the number of sightseers driving past the house. “It must make you proud to know that even as an ex-President you are not forgotten. Just look at the number of those cars.”

  “Not as many as yesterday,” replied Coolidge, “there were sixty-three then.”

  25 Someone came up to Dorothy Parker and blurted out the news that Coolidge was dead. “How can they tell?” she inquired.

  COOPER, Lady Diana (1892–1986), British social leader renowned for her beauty and wit.

  1 As part of a publicity stunt for a play due to open in New York with Diana Cooper as leading lady, the rumor was put about that another actress had been engaged for the role. Alarmed, Lady Diana cabled the impresario Morris Gest to know if she was still wanted. He replied, “Come to America and I’ll treat you like a queen.”

  “Which queen?” Lady Diana cabled back. “Mary Queen of Scots?”

  2 Lady Diana was known for the notes she would leave on her car’s windshield as excuses for parking illegally. One note read, “Dear Warden — taken sad child to cinema — please forgive.” One day she left a note that read, “Old cripple’s car. Gone for lunch.” When she returned, she found a parking ticket together with a message from the police officer: “Hope you had a good lunch, dear.”

  COOPER, Gary (1901–61), US actor and film star.

  1 Originally named Frank, Cooper was renamed by a movie agent who felt his name was not evocative enough. She hesitated over several choices, then dubbed him Gary, after her hometown, Gary, Indiana. Cooper later noted, “It’s a good thing she didn’t come from Poughkeepsie!”

  2 When Gary Cooper first came to Hollywood from Montana, he was taken under the wing of a glamorous member of the international set, the Countess di Frasso. She wanted her handsome but gauche young lover to acquire the proper poise and sophistication. To this end she took him with her to Europe. Gene Fowler remarked one day that he had not seen the countess and her young man recently, and was told where they had gone. “Oh, well,” he said, “everyone knows the best way to go to Europe is on the Countess di Frasso.”

  3 While he was writing the script for Along Came Jones, Nunnally Johnson lent Cooper, who was to produce and act in the film, a copy of the novel on which it was based. A couple of weeks later, Johnson asked Cooper: “How did you like the book?”

  “Oh, fine, I’m about halfway through,” came the reply. “I’m reading it word by word.”

  COOPER, Dame Gladys (1888–1971), British actress.

  1 As Dame Gladys, weakened by illness, brushed her hair on the last evening of her life, she peered into the mirror and remarked to her nurse, “If this is what virus pneumonia does to one, I really don’t think I shall bother to have it again.” She then tottered back to her bed and died peacefully in her sleep.

  COOPER, James Fenimore (1789–1851), US novelist best known for his works of frontier life.

  1 One evening Cooper was reading aloud to his wife, who lay ill in bed. After a few chapters, though, he threw aside the book, saying, “I could write you a better book than that myself.” His wife, knowing that Cooper hated even writing letters, challenged him on the spot to try, which he did with gusto. And so began his writing career.

  COOPER, Sir William (d. 1664), British merchant.

  1 Sir William Cooper was a guest at a banquet held by the London Clothworkers’ Company. Having partaken liberally of his hosts’ brandy, he made his way home, where he dropped dead on arrival. Lady Cooper accused the Clothworkers of killing her husband with their noxious brandy, and when she died left a sum of money to the company with which to buy gin as a wholesome alternative.

  The choice of brandy or gin is still offered at the Clothworkers’ feasts with the words, “Do you dine with Alderman or Lady Cooper?”

  COOTE, Robert (1909–), British character actor.

  1 The British arrived in Hollywood as an invading army of expert settlers who formed themselves rapidly into polo clubs and cricket teams and gave tea parties for each other on Sunday afternoons. During one of these weekly gatherings, Robert Coote called across to Gladys Cooper in tones of disapproval: “Darling, there seems to be an American on your lawn.”

  COPE, Edward Drinker (1840–97), US paleontologist.

  1 A Quaker, Cope refused to take a gun with him on his fossil-hunting forays, despite the fact that these led him into territories populated with hostile Indians. On one occasion, finding himself surrounded by a distinctly unfriendly band, Cope distracted his captors from their murderous intentions by removing and putting back his false teeth. Enthralled by this performance, they made him do it over and over again and eventually released him unharmed.

  Sebastien Roch Chamfort was a French apho-rist and playwright, an ardent supporter of the Revolution and an enemy of high society. One of his favorite stories was that of the marquis at the court of Louis XIV who, on returning to his wife, found her in the arms of a bishop. The nobleman walked calmly to the window and began blessing the people in the street below. When the startled wife asked what he was doing, the marquis replied: “Mon-seigneur is performing my function, so I am performing his.”

  — SIGMUND FREUD, Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious

  COPLAND, Aaron (1900–90), US composer.

  1 Browsing in a bookshop one day, Copland noticed a woman buying a copy of his book What to Listen For in Music, together with a paperback edition of a Shakespeare play. As the customer left the shop, Copland stopped her and asked, “Would you like me to autograph your book?” Looking blankly into the composer’s beaming face, the woman asked, “Which one?”

  COPPÉE, François Edouard Joachim (1842–1908), French poet.

  1 The wife of a not too distinguished writer once asked Coppée to support her husband’s candidacy for a place in the French Academy. “I beg you, vote for my husband,” she pleaded. “He’ll die if he’s not elected.” Coppée agreed, but his vote failed to ensure the writer’s success.

  A few months later, another seat became vacant and the lady returned to Coppée to ask him to vote for her husband again. “Ah, no,” replied the academician. “I kept my promise but he did not keep his. I consider myself free of any obligation.”

  CORDAY, Charlotte (1768–93), French noblewoman who assassinated the Jacobin leader Marat in his bath and was guillotined.

  1 Corday and Samson, the executioner, sat side by side in the tumbril on the way to the guillotine. To make conversation he said politely, “Perhaps you find the trip too long?”

  “Bah, we’re sure to get there,” was the reply.

  CORNELIA (2d century BC), Roman aristocrat, daughter of Scipio Africanus, wife of Tiberius Sempronius Gracchus.

  1 Most of Cornelia’s children died young, but two, Tiberius and Gaius, grew up to become the famous reformers of Rome’s agrarian laws. When the two Gracchi were still boys, Cornelia once received at her house a wealthy Roman lady who proudly showed off her jewelry to her hostess. She then challenged Cornelia to show off her own jewels. Cornelia gestured toward her sons, who had just entered the room. “These are my jewels,” she said.

  CORNETT, Leanza (1973–), Miss America, 1993.

  1 A serious activist who worked to support victims of AIDS among other causes, Cornett disliked wearing the rhinestone crown that was the symbol of her role as Miss America. “Who’s going to take me seriously with this thing
on my head?” she asked.

  COROT, Jean-Baptise Camille (1796–1875), French landscape painter of the Barbizon school.

  1 The caricaturist Honoré Daumier was very poor in his old age. On his sixty-fifth birthday, nearly blind, he was threatened with eviction from his little cottage at Valmondois because he could not pay the rent. Then he received a letter from Corot: “I have a little house at Valmondois which I could not, for the life of me, think what to do with. Suddenly I thought to give it to you, and liking the idea, I have had your ownership legally confirmed. I had no idea of doing you a good turn. The whole scheme was carried out to annoy the landlord. Ever yours, Corot.” In his reply, Daumier wrote, “You are the only man from whom I could accept such a gift and not feel humiliated.”

  2 Even when very short of money, Corot found so much pleasure in having his pictures around him he could not rejoice unreservedly when he at last made a sale. “Alas, my collection has been so long complete, and now it is broken!” he exclaimed.

  3 To a lady admirer who persisted in searching for hidden meanings in Corot’s pictures, he replied: “Non, madame, la peinture est plus bête que cela” (No, madame, painting is too stupid for that).

  CORRIGAN, Douglas (1907–95), US aviator.

  1 In 1937 Corrigan applied to the Bureau of Air Commerce for permission to make a solo flight across the Atlantic in his 1929 Curtiss-Robin monoplane (nicknamed Lizzy). After inspecting the aircraft the bureau refused permission on the grounds that it could not condone suicide: Lizzy lacked any safety devices, radio, or beam finders, and the extra fuel tanks that Corrigan had put on completely obscured the pilot’s forward view, so he had to look out of the side windows to see where he was going. Undaunted, Corrigan flew from Los Angeles to New York in twenty-seven hours in mid-July 1938. The following morning he told the airfield manager at New York that he was returning home. Lizzy was so weighed down with fuel that she traveled 3,200 feet along the runway before achieving takeoff. Just twenty-three hours and thirteen minutes later, Corrigan landed at Baldonnel Airport, Dublin. “I’ve just flown from New York,” Corrigan announced to the airport official. “Not in that thing!” said someone, and told Corrigan where he was. “I flew the wrong way!” exclaimed the man who shortly (and forever after) would be known as Wrong-way Corrigan.