Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes

by Clifton Fadiman

  FILLMORE, Millard (1800–74), US politician; 13th President of the United States (1850–53).

  1 Fillmore’s presidency is regrettably encapsulated in a story (possibly of malicious invention) that circulated in Washington soon after he was sworn in. He decided that he needed a new carriage, and a White House attendant, Edward Moran, was detailed to find a suitable one. He discovered a handsome equipage that was being sold off quite cheaply since its owner was leaving the town. Fillmore inspected it, approved it, but was troubled. “How would it do, Edward, for the President of the United States to ride around in a secondhand carriage?” Moran replied reassuring, “But sure, Your Excellency is only a secondhand President!”

  FINLEY, Charles (1918–97), US baseball executive.

  1 The owner of two teams, the Royals and the A’s, Finley found it impossible to stop interfering with his managers. But he was especially combative with baseball commissioner Bowie Kuhn. Once, in public, he called him a “village idiot.” Later he changed his opinion to say, “I apologize to all the village idiots of America. He’s the nation’s idiot.”

  FISHER, M. F. K. (1908–92), US culinary writer and gastronomic muse.

  1 When asked why she had devoted herself to writing about food and drink instead of weightier subjects, such as serious world issues or even love, Fisher replied, “The easiest answer is to say that, like most other humans, I am hungry.”

  FISKE, Minne Maddern (1865–1932), US stage actress.

  1 The actress Margaret Anglin once left a message attached to the mirror in Minnie Fiske’s dressing room. It read: “Margaret Anglin says Mrs. Fiske is the best actress in America.” Mrs. Fiske read it, added two commas, and returned it to Miss Anglin. The revised note read: “Margaret Anglin, says Mrs. Fiske, is the best actress in America.”

  2 Fiske, who was revered by the stage actors and actresses of her generation, often gave the same advice to thespians eager to achieve her greatness. “Above all, ignore the audience.”

  FITZGERALD, Ella (1918–96), US jazz singer, especially famous for her “scat” singing.

  1 Ella once performed at Columbia, South Carolina, before an audience of children. The show seemed to go well, the children all joining in such songs as “Old MacDonald Had a Farm.” A television interviewer went around the audience afterward. “What did you think of Ella Fitzgerald?” one little boy was asked. “Well, I liked her singing all right,” he replied, “but she didn’t break no glass.”

  FITZGERALD, F[rancis] Scott [Key] (1896–1940), US writer, notably of The Great Gatsby.

  1 Producer Joseph L. Mankiewicz, stubbornly convinced that the film Three Comrades would make more money if the leading female character did not die, asked Fitzgerald to change the script. “Camille would have made twice as much if Garbo had lived,” he argued. “How about Romeo and Juliet — you wouldn’t have wanted Juliet to live, would you?” asked Fitzgerald. Mankiewicz, whose cultural experience did not extend beyond the film world, cast his mind back to the unsuccessful 1936 film version of the play. “That’s just it,” he retorted triumphantly. “Romeo and Juliet didn’t make a cent.”

  2 When Thomas Wolfe dedicated his first, very lengthy, novel to his editor, Maxwell Perkins, a proof copy was sent to F. Scott Fitzgerald for his views. “Dear Max,” ran Fitzgerald’s reply, “I liked the dedication, but after that I thought it fell off a bit.”

  3 The Fitzgeralds were famed for the parties they gave, great riotous affairs full of drunkenness and high jinks. After a particularly vigorous period of entertaining, they hung a framed set of house rules on their living room wall, which read: “Visitors are requested not to break down doors in search of liquor, even when authorized to do so by the host and hostess. Weekend guests are respectfully notified that invitations to stay over Monday, issued by the host and hostess during the small hours of Sunday morning, must not be taken seriously.”

  FITZSIMMONS, Robert (1862–1917), British heavyweight boxer.

  1 Due to meet James J. Jeffries, a considerably bigger man, in San Francisco in July 1902, Fitzsimmons was asked if he was worried about the disparity in size. “The bigger they are, the harder they fall,” he is supposed to have said.

  FLAHERTY, Robert (1884–1951), US film director.

  1 As a young man Robert Flaherty spent many months making arduous journeys in the far north in a search for iron ore and cod. He found neither, but in the course of his travels he shot over seventy-thousand feet of film. To salvage something from the wasted enterprise, Canadian financier Sir William Mackenzie encouraged him to edit the film and make a documentary. Flaherty toiled for weeks in a garret room and at last had an edited motion picture. Lighting a celebratory cigarette, he dropped the match on the floor. There was a tiny spurt of flame and in an instant the room was an inferno; every scrap of the highly inflammable celluloid was destroyed and Flaherty himself was badly burned, surviving only because he managed to jump out through a window onto the fire escape. His reaction to this disaster was a determination to return to the far north and make a film of Eskimo life “that people will never forget.”

  He did just that, and the result was the classic documentary Nanook of the North (1922).

  FLANNER, Janet (1892–1978), US foreign reporter, for many years the Paris correspondent for The New Yorker magazine.

  1 Jill Krementz, noted New York photographer, specializes in literary portraits. One of her subjects was Janet Flanner. Ms. Krementz asked if she had ever been married. Ms. Flanner replied, “I’m sure I have, but the precise details of the union escape me.”

  FLAUBERT, Gustave (1821–80), French writer best known for his novel Madame Bovary.

  1 Flaubert was once asked outright who the real-life Emma Bovary was. With a wistful smile the author replied, “I am Madame Bovary.”

  2 Some friends came to visit on a Friday and invited him to join their weekend outing. Flaubert declined, as he had far too much work to do. When his friends returned on Sunday night, they asked how his work had gone. Exceedingly well, they were told. But they noticed that he was at exactly the same place he had been before they left — in the middle of a sentence, marked by a comma. How was that possible? Flaubert noted complacently that, on Saturday, he had changed the comma to a semicolon, and on Sunday he had changed it back, thus making wonderful progress.

  FLEETWOOD, Sir William (?1535–94), British lawyer.

  1 Fleetwood was famous for his rigorous prosecution of highwaymen. Determined to get their own back, a gang of them, halter at the ready, waylaid him near the gallows at Tyburn, bound his servants, tied his hands behind his back, and led him on his horse under the gallows. They then fixed the rope around his neck and left him to the mercy of his horse. Obedient to his master’s desperate “Whoa, whoa,” the horse stood quite still for a quarter of an hour or more until someone passed by and released Fleetwood from his predicament.

  FLEMING, Sir Alexander (1881–1955), British microbiologist who shared the Nobel Prize for Medicine in 1945 with two other scientists for their discovery of penicillin.

  1 Fleming’s discovery of penicillin was made by accident when a speck of dust happened to land on an uncovered culture plate. Touring a modern research laboratory some years later, he observed with interest the sterile, dust-free, air-conditioned environment in which the scientists worked. “What a pity you did not have a place like this to work in,” said his guide. “Who can tell what you might have discovered in such surroundings!”

  “Not penicillin,” remarked Fleming with a smile.

  FLEMING, Ian (1908–64), British suspense-story writer famous for his creation of Secret Service agent James Bond.

  1 The English literary critic Peter Quennell was a guest at the Flemings’ country house. Queried on the point by Mrs. Fleming, Quennell stated that he was an early riser. Mrs. Fleming then gently requested, in case he should care to walk about outside in the early morning, that he not disturb the dew on the spider webs on the lawn. Ian, it seemed, liked to look at them first th
ing in the morning when he awoke.

  FOCH, Ferdinand (1851–1929), French military commander.

  1 Marshal Foch’s driver was often bothered by newspapermen anxious to get inside information on his master and his thinking about the war. “When does the marshal think the war will end?” they would ask, and the driver would promise to tell them if Foch divulged anything to him. One day he said, “This morning the marshal spoke.” The reporters clustered around eagerly. “He said, ‘Pierre, what do you think? When is this war going to end?’”

  2 A young officer had been disciplined by his colonel for showing fear in battle. When Foch learned of the incident, however, he chose to reprimand the colonel rather than the officer. “None but a coward,” he said, “dares to boast that he has never known fear.”

  3 (Sir Basil Thomson tells the following:)

  “When the German delegation came to Marshal Foch at the end of the war to ask for armistice terms, the Frenchman picked up a paper from his desk and read a set of conditions.

  “ ‘But — there must be some mistake,’ the leader of the German officers stammered in dismay. ‘These are terms which no civilized nation could impose on another!’

  “ ‘I am very glad to hear you say so,’ replied Foch gravely. ‘No, gentlemen, these are not our terms. These are the terms imposed on Lille by the German commander when that city surrendered.’ ”

  4 On a visit to the United States, Marshal Foch was escorted on a sight-seeing tour by a colonel who spoke French fluently. The distinguished visitor was taken to see the Grand Canyon. He gazed thoughtfully down into its depths. The colonel waited for his pronouncement. At length Foch stepped back from the brink and spoke: “What a marvelous place to drop one’s mother-in-law!”

  5 An American once complained to Marshal Foch about the insincere politeness of the French. “There is nothing in it but wind,” he said.

  “There is nothing but wind in a tire,” replied Foch, “but it makes riding in a car very smooth and pleasant.”

  FONDA, Henry (1905–82), US movie actor and Academy Award winner.

  1 Henry Fonda was asked to say in one phrase the one most important thing that any young actor has to know. Fonda answered, “How to become an old actor.”

  2 During the filming of War and Peace Fonda rebelled against some dialogue he found impossible. “I can’t say that; it doesn’t feel real,” he told King Vidor, the director. Replied Vidor, “Of course it isn’t real — it’s a movie!”

  FONDA, Jane (1937–), US movie actress, daughter of Henry Fonda.

  1 When Henry Fonda’s daughter, Jane, was nominated for an Academy Award for her role as a prostitute in Klute, he worried that she would use the ceremony as a platform to air her very public opposition to the Vietnam War, and begged her not to. Jane won, and as she accepted the statuette she said, “There is a great deal to say, and — I’m not going to say it tonight.”

  2 In The Electric Horseman Fonda had a scene in which she passionately kissed co-star Robert Redford, who was playing an ex-rodeo star. Director Sydney Pollack shot and reshot the scene, eventually shooting forty-eight takes and running from early one morning to the evening of the next day. A studio accountant blanched at the costs the shooting had incurred — $280,000 — and growled, “It would have been cheaper if Redford had kissed the horse.”

  FONTANNE, Lynn (1887–1983), US actress, who with her husband, Alfred Lunt, made a highly successful team.

  1 The fees paid by the film studios to actors sometime amazed those accustomed to the comparatively slender Broadway salaries. When the Lunts made The Guardsman for MGM, they were asked by a reporter if it was true that they were getting $60,000 for their part in the film. Lynn Fontanne dumbfounded the MGM executives sitting in on the interview by replying, “Alfred and I would have worked for less, but nobody asked us.”

  FONTENELLE, Bernard de (1657–1757), French writer and philosopher.

  1 Fontenelle was conversing one day with Louis XIV when the king remarked that he had little faith in the existence of honorable men. “Plenty of honorable men exist, sire,” said Fontenelle, “but they do not seek the company of kings.”

  2 In his great old age Fontenelle feebly but gallantly tried to pick up a fan a young lady had dropped. As she moved to help him, he exclaimed, “Ah, if I were only eighty again!”

  3 At a reception in his ninety-eighth year, Fontenelle spent the first part of the evening saying gallant things to an attractive young lady. When the guests were summoned to dinner, however, he passed ahead of her to secure his place at table. “So that’s what your gallantries are worth!” said the lady. “You walk straight past me without even looking at me.”

  “Madame, if I had looked at you I could not have passed you,” replied the old man.

  4 “Death has forgotten us,” said an aged friend to the equally aged Fontenelle. “Sh-sh!” said Fontenelle, bringing his finger to his lips.

  5 Fontenelle died just a few weeks short of his hundredth birthday. When asked how he was feeling, he replied, “I feel nothing, apart from a certain difficulty of being.”

  FOOTE, Samuel (1720–77), British actor and playwright.

  1 In 1755 Charles Macklin, the famous actor, boasted in Foote’s presence that he could repeat any speech after hearing it only once. Foote challenged Macklin to repeat the following: “So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street, pops its head into the shop — What! no soap? So he died and she very imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Joblillies, and the Garyalies, and the grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top.…”

  2 The Duke of Cumberland once applauded Foote’s wit with the words: “Mr. Foote, I swallow all the good things you say.”

  “Indeed, sir,” said Foote, “then Your Royal Highness has an excellent digestion, for you never bring any of it up again.”

  3 Foote once asked a man why he was continually singing one particular tune. “Because it haunts me,” the man replied. “No wonder,” retorted Foote, “since you are forever murdering it.”

  4 A group of people were discussing the long and happy marriage of a lady who had led a wild life before her wedding. They ascribed the successful outcome of the match to the fact that she had confessed all her previous affairs to her husband before they married. They were loud in her praise: “What candor! What courage!”

  “Yes, and what a memory!” added Foote.

  5 Foote went into White’s Club in London with a friend, who wished to write a note. While his friend was busy at the desk, Foote stood around uneasily; since he was not a member of White’s, which had a very different political complexion from his own, many of the men in the room were strangers to him. The compassionate Lord Carmarthen thought of a pretext for approaching him with a few friendly words. “Mr. Foote, your handkerchief is hanging out of your pocket,” he began. “Thank you, my lord, thank you,” said Foote, misunderstanding the casual remark as a warning against pickpockets and quickly pushing the handkerchief back into the pocket. “You know the company here better than I do.”

  6 A member of the royal court complained to Foote that he had been thrown out of a second-floor window for cheating at cards, and asked his advice. “Do not play so high,” replied Foote.

  7 Samuel Foote was equaled in tightfistedness by his friend and fellow-actor David Garrick. On one occasion when they were out together Foote, reluctantly pulling out his purse to pay for the entertainment, dropped a guinea. Both men fell to their knees and started groping about on the floor. “Where on earth is it?” exclaimed Foote in exasperation after they had hunted vainly for some time. “Gone to the devil, I suppose,” muttered Garrick. “Well, you always were one for making a guinea go further than anyone else,” Foote remarked.

  FORD, Betty (1918–), Wife of President Gerald Ford (1974–77).

  1 Betty Ford loved her domestic life, a situation that became difficult t
o maintain once her husband became President upon the resignation of Richard Nixon. “I wish I’d married a plumber,” she once said. “At least he’d be home by five o’clock.”

  2 A minor scandal was caused when newspapers revealed that Betty and Gerald Ford would share the same bed once ensconced in the White House (this was the 1970s). Betty was amused by the brouhaha, noting to her press secretary, “Something no one seems to expect is for a First Lady to sleep with the President!” Later on she commented that she was asked everything under the sun except how often she slept with her husband. She was happier to answer that than some of the other prying questions reporters insisted on asking: “As often as possible!”

  3 Addressing a group of journalists on a visit to Washington many years after leaving the White House, she told them, “You’ve heard me say many times that what makes Jerry happy makes me happy. And if you all believe that, you’re indeed unsuited for your profession.”

  FORD, Gerald R. (1913–), US politician; 38th President of the United States (1974–77).

  1 Ford was not a scintillating speechifier, and knew it. He told of a trip he took to Omaha, where an old woman approached him after a speech he gave. “I hear you spoke here tonight,” she said. “Oh,” said Ford, “it was nothing.” “So I heard,” she responded.