Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes

by Clifton Fadiman

  1 “But I’m a scientist,” protested Lavoisier to the officer who had been sent to arrest him on the charge of tax-farming. “The Republic has no need of scientists,” replied the man.

  LAWRENCE, D[avid] H[erbert] (1885–1930), British novelist and poet.

  1 Lawrence’s first novel, The White Peacock, was published in 1911. He was able to give it to his mother on her deathbed. His father, after struggling through half a page, asked Lawrence how much he had got for the book. “Fifty pounds, father,” he replied. The old miner was incredulous: “Fifty pounds! An’ tha’s niver done a day’s hard work in thy life!”

  2 Much of his life Lawrence battled bad health. He had almost died of pneumonia, and tuberculosis ravaged his lungs. Together with his wife, Frieda, he traveled in search of a healthful climate. They finally settled on a lovely house on the French Riviera. As Frieda looked at the beautiful flowers filling his room, she said, “Why, oh why, can’t you flourish like these?”

  LAWRENCE, James (1781–1813), US naval hero.

  1 During the War of 1812 the US frigate Chesapeake engaged the British frigate Shannon off Boston and was badly beaten. In the fighting James Lawrence, the Chesapeake’s captain, was mortally wounded. His dying words are now part of American legend: “Don’t give up the ship.”

  LAWRENCE, T[homas] E[dward] (1888–1935), British soldier and writer, known as “Lawrence of Arabia” for leading the Arab revolt against the Turks

  1 (It was Lawrence’s greatest source of pride that he was a Fellow of All Souls College, Oxford; it is, with his birth and death dates, the only fact about his career recorded on his tombstone in the quiet country churchyard in Dorset. Robert Graves recalls how, shortly after World War I, Lawrence acquired the two heavy leather chairs that were part of the furnishing in his rooms in All Souls.)

  “An American oil-financier had come in suddenly one day when I was there and said, ‘I am here from the States, Colonel Lawrence, to ask a single question. You are the only man who will answer it honestly. Do Middle-Eastern conditions justify my putting any money in South Arabian oil?’ The always self-assured Lawrence, without rising, quietly answered, ‘No.’ ‘That’s all I wanted to know; it was worth coming for. Thank you, and good day!’ In his brief glance about the room he missed something and, on his way home through London, chose the chairs and had them sent to Lawrence with his card.”

  2 (Edward Marsh relates this story:)

  “On one of his spells in the ranks [Lawrence] was assigned as batman to an officer of the class who used to be known in the War as ‘temporary gentlemen.’ Lawrence hated him at sight, and on the first evening, when he was unpacking his kit, looked round and said: ‘I beg your pardon, sir, but I can only find one of your razors.’ ‘I’ve only got one razor.’ ‘Indeed, sir? I thought most gentlemen had a razor for every day in the week.’ After a moment he looked round again. ‘Sir, I can’t find your left-handed nailscissors.’ The poor man rushed out of the tent and applied for a less exacting batman.”

  3 At a cocktail party in Egypt on a day of intense heat, Lawrence was approached by a lady of uncertain age who had the reputation of perseveringly courting the acquaintance of celebrities. Seizing upon the heat wave as a conversational gambit, she remarked, “Ninety-two today, Colonel Lawrence. Just think of it! Ninety-two.”

  “Many happy returns, madam,” responded Lawrence.

  LAWSON, Wilfrid [Wilfrid Worsnop] (1900–66), British character actor.

  1 Lunching in a pub before a matinee performance, Lawson met fellow-actor Richard Burton and invited him to the show that afternoon. As Lawson was not due to appear at the beginning of the play, he sat with Burton to watch the opening scenes. Some twenty minutes into the performance, however, Burton was a little concerned to find Lawson still sitting beside him, having made no move to leave and prepare for his entrance. A few moments later, Lawson tapped Burton on the arm. “You’ll like this bit,” he whispered excitedly. “This is where I come on.”

  LEAHY, William Daniel (1875–1959), US admiral.

  1 When Truman came to office in 1945, Leahy was present at meetings at which the new President was briefed upon the development of an atomic weapon. Leahy’s comment: “That is the biggest fool thing we have ever done….The bomb will never go off.”

  LEAR, Edward (1812–88), British artist and poet.

  1 In 1846 Lear was asked to give Queen Victoria a course of drawing lessons. These progressed very well and Lear soon felt quite at east in the royal apartments. He liked to stand in front of the fire, warming his coat-tails, but every time he took up his position on the hearthrug, facing the queen, one of the lords-in-waiting would invite him to look at something on the far side of the room, thus obliging him to move. No one explained, and the episode was repeated several times before it dawned upon Lear that etiquette forbade a subject to adopt such a relaxed and comfortable posture in his sovereign’s presence.

  2 Queen Victoria took a liking to Lear. Following one of the drawing lessons, she showed him some miniatures and other treasures kept in display cases in her apartments. Lear in his enthusiasm exclaimed, “Oh, where did you get all these beautiful things?” The queen replied, “I inherited them, Mr. Lear.”

  3 Traveling in southern Italy in 1847, Lear was overtaken by the beginnings of the Italian revolution at Reggio. He returned to his hotel to find the waiter deliriously drunk, and his pleas for the keys to his room fell on oblivious ears. “Non ci sono più chiavi; non ci sono più passaporti, non ci sono più Ré — più legge — più giudici — più niente! Non è altro che l’amore, la libertà — l’amicizia e la constituzione …” (There are no more keys, there are no more passports, no more kings, no more laws, no more judges, no more nothing! Nothing but love, liberty, friendship, and the constitution.)

  4 When a man is in full flight upon some learned topic that tests the intellect and demands the greatest concentration, he does not especially welcome another’s irrelevant witticisms. Just such a man was Lear’s old friend Lord Westbury, the ex-lord chancellor. One evening, in the midst of a discussion on Tennyson, Lear could not help slipping in a small pun or two. “Lear,” said the old man sternly, “I abominate the forcible introduction of ridiculous images calculated to distract the mind from what it is contemplating.”

  LEDRU-ROLLIN, Alexandre Auguste (1807–74), French politician.

  1 During the Revolution of February 1848 Ledru-Rollin was caught up in a mob at the barricades. Amid the confusion he was heard to shout, “Let me pass, I have to follow them, I am their leader!”

  LEE, Gypsy Rose [Rose Louise Hovick] (1919–70), US entertainer and professional celebrity.

  1 In his book about his mother, Gypsy’s son, Erik Lee Preminger, recalls that one of her favorite (and always financially productive) hobbies was sewing. In the spring of 1955 her friend Mr. John, the famous milliner, showed her his spring collection in advance. Gypsy bought one of the hats, took it apart, made a dozen copies, and distributed them to her friends as Easter gifts. Mr. John noticed one of these friends, complete with hat, walking past his shop and at once phoned Gypsy. She cut him off with, “Oh, John darling, I’m so glad you called. I made a few copies of your marvelous hat, and I need some labels. The hats look so naked without them.” The labels arrived shortly. They read: “A Mr. John design stolen by Gypsy Rose Lee.” Gypsy put one inside each hat.

  Thérèse Lachmann, one of the grandes horizontals of the era of Napoleon III, played with francs like a child playing with sand. Once an impecunious admirer pursued her for months, passionately. At length she instructed him to bring her 10,000 francs in small notes. “We’ll waste them together,” she promised him. He somehow acquired the necessary investment and arrived at Thérèse’s boudoir to find her gracefully arranged on a couch beside which a marble table had been placed. On this altar she piled the crumpled notes and set a match to them. “I promise that your flame shall be allowed to burn as long as the notes,” she told him. In very short order, money and passion were co
nsumed, and she looked ironically at her lover. To her astonishment his face wore the same expression. “They were counterfeit,” he said.

  LEE, Nathaniel (?1653–92), British playwright.

  1 A friend visited Lee in Bedlam and, finding him calm and reasonable, hoped he had recovered. Lee offered to show him around the asylum. As they proceeded, Lee’s conversation was so rational that the friend’s hopes soared. At length they came out on the lofty roof of the building. Lee suddenly gripped his visitor’s arm. “Let us immortalize ourselves; let us leap down this moment!” he burst out excitedly. “Any man could leap down,” said Lee’s friend coolly, “so we should not immortalize ourselves that way. But let us go down and try if we can leap up.” Delighted with the idea, Lee at once ran down the stairs to see if he could put into practice his friend’s novel idea for achieving immortality.

  LEE, Robert E[dward] (1807–70), US Confederate general.

  1 Confederate troops held a low ridge called Marye’s Heights at Fredericksburg (1862). The Union divisions sent to assault it had exposed ground to cross before they could reach the Confederate positions. Wave after wave of federal troops charged with bayonets and were cut down by the Confederate fire before any could reach the stone wall marking the enemy front line. More than twelve thousand were killed. Watching the dying federal soldiers, Lee remarked to General James Longstreet, whose men were holding Marye’s Heights, “It is well that war is so terrible; else we would grow too fond of it.”

  2 One day in 1864 Lee visited General Henry Heth at Petersburg to inspect his defenses. As they rode down the line, Lee was displeased to see a large stretch without fortification. Heth was surprised, for he had given orders for the defenses to be completed. He assured the general that the work would be undertaken immediately, but when Lee returned a few days later nothing had been done. He was obviously very annoyed, and Heth waited anxiously for the storm to break. However, much to Heth’s relief, Lee began talking instead about the rather boisterous horse being ridden by Heth’s wife. To quiet the horse down, Lee recommended plenty of exercise. He concluded, “For the sake of your wife, as well as your own, I beg you to try the experiment; and I know of no better place for you to ride the horse than just up and down in front of the gap I ordered you to have closed, until a good breastwork has been completed.”

  3 Shortly before the battle of Spotsylvania in 1864, it was reported that General Grant had lost many men and was preparing to retreat. General John Gordon was therefore surprised when Lee ordered him to move his troops to Spotsylvania Courthouse. Lee, however, having great faith in Grant’s military genius, had reasoned thus: “General Grant ought to move to Spotsylvania. That is his best maneuver and he will do what is best. I am so sure of it that I have had a short road cut to that point, and you will move by that route.” The prediction was fulfilled: Grant’s troops arrived at Spotsylvania at almost exactly the same moment as the Confederate forces under Gordon.

  4 Toward the end of the Civil War, when meat was an almost unobtainable luxury for Lee, he lived chiefly on boiled cabbage. One day, when he had several important guests dining with him, the table was set with the usual heap of cabbage and a very small piece of meat. The guests politely refused to eat the meat, and Lee looked forward to having it all to himself the following day. However, on the next day there was nothing but the usual cabbage. Lee inquired as to the whereabouts of the meat. He learned to his dismay that his servant had only borrowed the meat to impress the guests, and had duly returned it, untouched, to its rightful owner.

  5 One Sunday morning in 1865, a black man entered a fashionable Episcopalian church in Richmond, Virginia. When Communion was served, he walked down the aisle and knelt at the altar. A rustle of resentment swept the congregation — how dare he! Episcopalians use the common cup. Then a distinguished layman stood up, stepped forward to the altar, and knelt beside the black man. It was Robert E. Lee. Said he to the congregation, “All men are brothers in Christ. Have we not all one Father?” Humbly, the congregation followed his lead.

  6 After the Civil War Lee was encouraged to write his memoirs. He refused: “I should be trading on the blood of my men.”

  LEHMANN, Lilli (1848–1929), German coloratura soprano who specialized in Wagnerian roles.

  1 At a reception given by Wagner’s widow, Cosima, during the 1894 Bayreuth festival, soprano Lillian Nordica, who was singing Elsa in Lohengrin at the festival, approached Lilli Lehmann and asked if she might call on her. Glaring frostily at her potential rival, Lehmann replied: “I am not taking any pupils this season.”

  LEIGHTON, Frederic, Baron Leighton of Stret-ton (1830–96), British painter and sculptor.

  1 Leighton, who prided himself on the thoroughness of his draftsmanship, met Whistler one day in Piccadilly, and took it upon himself to remark upon the other artist’s technique. “My dear Whistler, you leave your pictures in such a crude, sketchy state. Why don’t you ever finish them?”

  “My dear Leighton,” was the response, “why do you ever begin yours?”

  LENCLOS, Ninon de (1620–1705), French courtesan.

  1 Ninon de Lenclos’s sexual expertise was so renowned that daughters of the aristocracy were sent to her to learn the art of love. One such student asked, “How large should a woman’s breast be to attract a lover?”

  “Large enough to fill the hand of an honest man,” replied her instructress.

  2 Ninon de Lenclos had no time for the fashionable group of writers known as the pré-cieuses, and poked fun at their literary and social affectations. When a man complained to her that his daughter had lost her memory, she answered, “Be thankful, monsieur, for that will prevent her from quoting.”

  3 A nobleman forced to flee Paris entrusted half his savings of twenty thousand crowns to a clergyman and the other half to Ninon, asking them both to look after the money for him until he returned. When the nobleman eventually came back to Paris, he found that the clergyman had given away his ten thousand crowns to the poor to enhance his own charitable reputation. If this was how the saint behaved, then what could he expect from the sinner? Ninon, however, had kept her share intact and was delighted to be able to hand back his ten thousand crowns.

  4 In her sixties Ninon de Lenclos still received a few young men, the sons of close friends, to educate them in the skills of being a gentleman. One, a certain Monsieur de Gersay, fell in love with her. Knowing him to be her own son, Ninon ridiculed him, pleading that at her age no sexual relationship could even be contemplated. The youth persisted until his mother had no alternative but to say, “This dreadful love cannot continue. Do you realize who you are and who I am?” The boy, stunned, murmured the word “Mother,” ran outside into the garden, drew his sword, and fell upon it.

  5 In her will Ninon de Lenclos left only 10 écus to provide for her funeral. She wished it to be as simple as possible. However, she did ask her attorney, M. Arouet, if she might leave a thousand francs to his son, a clever lad who was studying with the Jesuits, so that he could buy books. The attorney’s son grew up to be Voltaire.

  LENNON, John (1940–80), British singer and composer, founding member of The Beatles.

  1 At a performance in England at which members of the Royal Family were in attendance, John asked fans to clap their hands in time with the music. Nodding to the royal box, he said, “Those upstairs, just rattle your jewelry.”

  LENYA, Lotte (1900–81), Austrian-born actress and singer.

  1 Although she had a magnetic stage personality, Lotte Lenya was no beauty. She would often tell the story of how Kurt Weill proposed to her. They were boating one afternoon on a lake, Weill wearing his thick glasses, since he was very nearsighted. Accidentally, she knocked them into the water. Later that afternoon he asked her to marry him. Sometime afterward she asked him, “Would you have married me with your glasses on?” He peered at her closely and said, “I think so.”

  LEO X (1475–1521), pope (1513–21). Born Giovanni de’ Medici, second son of Lorenzo the Magnificent.<
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  1 As Leo was a smiling sybarite infected with the popular neopagan culture of his day, his pontificate was a gorgeous carnival that left the Church bankrupt. To his flair for bacchanalian diversions, he added a reckless patronage of the arts, worked Raphael to death, and adorned his court with all the entertainers, scholars, and poets money could buy. When he was enthroned, he remarked: “Since God has given us the papacy, let us enjoy it.”

  LEONARD, Elmore (1925–), US writer of crime novels and westerns.

  1 The author of Glitz and other popular detective thrillers was once asked how he managed to keep the action in his books moving so quickly. He said, “I leave out the parts that people skip.”

  LEONIDAS (d. 480 BC), king of Sparta (487–480).

  1 The Persians sent an envoy to Leonidas urging the futility of resistance to the advance of their huge army. “Our archers are so numerous,” said the envoy, “that the flight of their arrows darkens the sun.”

  “So much the better,” replied Leonidas, “for we shall then fight in the shade.”

  LEOPOLD II (1835–1909), king of the Belgians (1865–1909).

  1 A zealous republican once observed to King Leopold that although he had no liking for monarchies he did acknowledge Leopold’s superior qualities. “I admit you would make an excellent president of a republic,” he went on. “Really?” said the king. “I must remember to pass that compliment along to my doctor. ‘Thiriar,’ I’ll say, ‘you are an excellent doctor and I think you would make an admirable vet.’ ”