Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes

by Clifton Fadiman

  5 Newton, Cambridge University’s representative to Parliament in 1689, was not well adapted to life as a parliamentarian. Only on one occasion did he rise to his feet, and the House of Commons hushed in expectation of hearing the great man’s maiden speech. Newton observed that there was a window open, which was causing a draft, asked that it be closed, and sat down.

  6 One evening during the Anglo-Dutch wars Newton came into the hall at Trinity College, Cambridge, announcing to the Fellows that there had been a naval battle that day between the Dutch and the English, and that the English had got the worst of it. As Cambridge is a considerable distance from the sea and as it was the first the Fellows had heard of any battle, they were naturally skeptical; they asked him how he knew. Newton explained that he had been in his observatory and heard a great firing of cannon, such as could only be between two great fleets. The noise had become louder and louder, which suggested that the English ships were retreating toward the English coast. The following day a full report of the battle exactly bore out Newton’s summary.

  7 In 1696 Jean Bernoulli and G. W. Leibniz concocted two teasing problems they sent to the leading mathematicians in Europe. After the problem had been in circulation for about six months, a friend communicated them to Newton, who, when he had finished his day’s work at the Mint, came home and solved both. The next day he submitted his solutions to the Royal Society anonymously, as he did not like to be distracted from the business of the Mint by embroilment in scientific discussions. The anonymity did not, however, deceive Bernoulli. “I recognize the lion by his paw!” he exclaimed.

  8 Newton invited a friend to dinner but then forgot the engagement. When the friend arrived, he found the scientist deep in meditation, so he sat down quietly and waited. In due course dinner was brought up — for one. Newton continued to be abstracted. The friend drew up a chair and, without disturbing his host, consumed the dinner. After he had finished, Newton came out of his reverie, looked with some bewilderment at the empty dishes, and said, “If it weren’t for the proof before my eyes, I could have sworn that I have not yet dined.”

  9 By 1720 the South Sea Company, a speculative organization in England, had captured the fortunes of many, many people who dreamt of the millions to be made in shares of an enterprise that exploited fishing and slaving in the South Seas. The values of the company’s shares had risen to an extraordinary high, despite the comparative lack of fish and the complete absence of slavery in that part of the world. Newton had invested, too, but just before the company peaked he sold out for a £7000 profit, saying, “I can calculate the motions of heavenly bodies, but not the madness of people.”

  10 To the very end of his life Newton’s scientific curiosity was unquenched. According to one authority his (somewhat improbable) last words were: “I do not know what I may appear to the world. But to myself, I seem to have been only like a boy playing on the seashore, diverting myself in now and then finding a smoother pebble or a prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me.”

  NICHOLAS I (1796–1855), czar of Russia (1825–55).

  1 One of the Decembrist conspirators condemned to be hanged was Kondraty Ryleyev. The rope broke. Ryleyev, bruised and battered, fell to the ground, got up, and said, “In Russia they do not know how to do anything properly, not even how to make a rope.” Ordinarily an accident of this sort resulted in a pardon, so a messenger was sent to the Winter Palace to know the czar’s pleasure. Nicholas asked, “What did he say?”

  “Sire, he said that in Russia they do not even know how to make a rope properly.”

  “Well, let the contrary be proved,” said the czar.

  NICHOLSON, Jack (1937–), US film actor.

  1 While shooting a western, Nicholson, who was not accustomed to horses, fell off his mount, hurting himself. But he climbed back on gamely and redid the shoot. “I wouldn’t have gotten back on the horse if I were a real person,” he said.

  NICKLAUS, Jack William (1940–), US golfer.

  1 Nicklaus dethroned Arnold Palmer as the reigning king of golf when he came from five strokes back to tie after 72 holes in the 1962 US Open, and then won the 18-hole playoff next day. Palmer noted, “Now that the big bear’s out of the cage, everybody better run for cover.” Nicklaus’s comment was: “I’m hungry as a bear. But I’m gonna slim down and go for the gold.” Slimmed down, he became know as “the Golden Bear.”

  NIJINSKY, Vaslav (1890–1950), Russian ballet dancer and choreographer.

  1 When Nijinsky choreographed Le Sacre du Printemps (The Rite of Spring) to Stravinsky’s music, most critics loathed the ballet as a disturbing departure from the themes and conventions of the classical dance to which they were accustomed. In fact, one early critic gave it a title that quickly caught on: Le Massacre du Printemps.

  NILSSON, Birgit Marta (1918–), Swedish soprano celebrated for her Wagnerian interpretations.

  1 (Miss Nilsson appeared in Turandot with the tenor Franco Corelli on a Metropolitan Opera tour under the management of Rudolf Bing.)

  “Mr. Corelli, after having been thoroughly outshouted in ‘In questa reggia,’ immediately left the stage (he had no more to sing, but he was supposed to be there), sulked in his dressing room, and declared that he would not come out again. At this point, Rudolf Bing is said to have entered the dressing room with an idea wonderfully calculated to appeal to the tenor’s amour propre. ‘In America, a man cannot retreat before a woman,’ Mr. Bing is reported to have said. ‘Continue! And in the last act, when the time comes to kiss her, bite her instead.’ Mr. Corelli is said to have followed instructions, and Mr. Bing, according to the story, fled to New York, where Miss Nilsson telephoned him, saying, ‘I cannot go on to Cleveland. I have rabies.’ ”

  2 “Once she was negotiating a contract with Herbert von Karajan, at the time director of the Vienna Opera, when a string of pearls she was wearing broke and scattered all over the floor. Von Karajan and several others who were present got down on their knees to search for the pearls. ‘We must find every one of them,’ von Karajan said. ‘These are the expensive pearls that Miss Nilsson buys with her high fees from the Metropolitan.’ ‘No,’ Miss Nilsson replied. ‘These are just imitation ones, which I buy with my low fees from the Vienna Opera.’”

  3 Sir Rudolf Bing, who had often engaged Miss Nilsson, was asked if the star was difficult. “Not at all,” he replied. “You put enough money in and glorious sound comes out.”

  4 Asked what was needed for a successful Isolde, Miss Nilsson replied, “Comfortable shoes.”

  NIVEN, David (1909–83), British movie actor.

  1 At the Academy Awards presentations in April 1974, the proceedings were interrupted by a streaker who dashed across the stage where Niven and other celebrities were sitting. “Just think,” said Niven, “probably the only laugh that man will ever get is for stripping and showing his shortcomings.”

  2 Niven found it hard to come to terms with the aging process and, in later life, still thought of himself as a young man. He recalled a visit to the London boat show with an attractive girl many years his junior. “Suddenly this hideous couple hove into view; a foul old creature with a crone of a wife. To my horror, the man came over and introduced himself. ‘Good heavens, Niven,’ he said, ‘I haven’t seen you since you were at school.’ When they’d gone, I could sense that the girl was looking at me warily. ‘Were you really at school with him?’ she asked. ‘Absolutely,’ I told her. ‘He was the music master.’”

  NIVERNAIS, Louis Jules Mancini Mazarin, Duc de (1716–98), French soldier and diplomat.

  1 The widowed Duc de Nivernais was in the habit of calling on the Comtesse de Rochefort, also a widow, every morning without fail. The regularity of these visits did not escape the notice of the duke’s friends, who suggested to the widower that it would be far simpler for him to marry the lady. “Oh, yes, certainly,” replied the duke, “but where would I then spend my evenings?”

  NIXON, Richard Milhous (
1913–94), US politician; 37th President of the United States (1969– 74).

  1 The first major attack on Nixon’s integrity came in 1952 when there were some unexplained contributions from wealthy California businessmen to a fund upon which Nixon had apparently been drawing for his own use. Eisenhower wanted to drop Nixon as his running mate on the Republican ticket, but Nixon appeared on television to defend himself in what became known as the Checkers speech. Having dwelt at length on his humble origins and his advancement in life through his own efforts, Nixon admitted that he had accepted a gift after the nomination — namely, a spaniel puppy, which his daughter had christened Checkers. He told how his kids loved the dog and how, whatever anyone said, the family was going to keep it. Thousands of telegrams of support poured into Republican headquarters, and Nixon remained on the Republican ticket, though cynical observers described the Checkers speech as “a slick production.”

  2 As he prepared for an important political appearance in the early 1950s, Nixon commented, “No TV performance takes such special preparation as an off-the-cuff talk.”

  3 Of Nixon’s integrity, his old rival Harry Truman said, “He is one of the few men in the history of this country to run for high office talking out of both sides of his mouth at the same time and lying out of both sides.”

  4 At a Gridiron Club dinner in Washington Truman and Nixon were guests. That year the theme of the annual event was Love. When Nixon rose to give a short speech, he mentioned that during the predinner cocktail hour, he had been asked to pass a bourbon-and-water to President Truman. This he presumably did. “When Harry Truman,” he said, “will accept a drink from the hand of Richard Nixon without having someone else taste it first — that’s Love.”

  5 In one of the televised debates between presidential candidates Nixon and Kennedy in 1960, Nixon demanded that Kennedy disown the earthy language used by ex-President Truman, a vigorous Kennedy supporter, and applauded the way in which Eisenhower had restored “the dignity of the office.” Kennedy just laughed. A few minutes after the ending of the debate, Nixon raged to the newsmen waiting for comments, “That fucking bastard, he wasn’t supposed to be using notes!”

  6 Meeting Kennedy’s aide Ted Sorenson shortly after Kennedy’s inaugural address, Nixon remarked that there were things in the speech that he would have liked to have said. “Do you mean the part about ‘Ask not what your country can do for you …?’” said Sorenson. “No,” replied Nixon, “the part beginning ‘I do solemnly swear….’”

  7 On October 28, 1970, the presidential motorcade through St. Petersburg, Florida, came to an abrupt halt when the policeman at the head of the procession was hit by a truck. Nixon rushed to the scene and offered his sympathies to the injured policeman, Don Leadbeter. By way of reply, Leadbeter apologized for holding up the motorcade. There was an awkward silence as the President searched for something else to say. He finally blurted out, “Do you like the work?”

  8 Signing copies of his book Six Crises at a local bookstore, Nixon asked each customer to what name he should address the inscription. One gentleman replied with a grin: “You’ve just met your seventh crisis. My name is Stanislaus Wojechzleschki.”

  9 “President Nixon was shaking hands and talking with members of a crowd at an airport when a little girl shouted to him, ‘How is Smokey the Bear?’ referring to the famous fire-fighting symbol who was then residing at the Washington Zoo. Nixon smiled at the girl and turned away, but she kept waving and asking her question. Unable to make out her words, Nixon sought help from his aide-de-camp, Steve Bull. Bull whispered, “Smokey the Bear, Washington National Zoo.’ Nixon walked over to the little girl, shook her hand and said, ‘How do you do, Miss Bear?’”

  10 Questioned by the British television interviewer David Frost about his approval of a plan of action that entailed such criminal ingredients as burglary and the opening of other people’s mail, Nixon replied, “Well, when the President does it, that means it is not illegal.”

  11 Nixon once returned to his cabin at Camp David and announced, “I scored 126.” Henry Kissinger, in a flattering voice, said, “Your golf is improving, Mr. President.” “I was bowling,” Nixon snapped.

  12 After his wife, Pat, died, Nixon remembered the time his youngest granddaughter, Jennie Eisenhower, asked her grandmother what she should call her. “Grandmother” seemed too stiff, and “Grandma” too old, so they settled on “Ma.” Jennie then asked Nixon the same question. “Oh, you can call me anything,” Nixon told her, “because I’ve been called everything.”

  NORBURY, John Toler, 1st Earl of (1745–1831), Irish lawyer.

  1 Norbury was riding with another Irish lawyer, John Parsons, in Parsons’s carriage. Their route took them past a gibbet with a corpse still hanging on it. The melancholy sight prompted Lord Norbury to remark, “Ah, Parsons, if we all had our deserts, where would you be?”

  “Alone in my carriage,” was the response.

  2 A Dublin attorney having died in poverty, his legal colleagues set up a subscription to pay for his funeral. Lord Norbury was asked to contribute. On inquiring what sum would be appropriate, he was told that no one else had subscribed more than a shilling. “A shilling!” exclaimed the judge, reaching into his pocket. “A shilling to bury an attorney? Why, here’s a guinea! Bury one and twenty of the scoundrels.”

  3 Even as he lay dying, Lord Norbury could not resist a jest. Realizing that his end was imminent, he sent his valet around to another aged peer who was also on his deathbed. “James,” he said, “present my compliments to Lord Erne and tell him it will be a dead heat between us.”

  NORTH, Frederick, Lord (1732–92), British statesman; prime minister (1770–82).

  1 When North was visiting Algiers, he asked the dey if he might see the women of his harem. The dey’s reaction was not at all what might have been expected of a jealous oriental potentate: “He is so ugly, let him see them all.”

  2 Sir Joseph Mawbey rose during a parliamentary sitting and roundly attacked Lord North for his part in the revolt of the American colonists. He asserted that it was entirely due to North’s mismanagement that so much blood had been spilled and so many resources wasted in an unnecessary war. Lord North listened to the onslaught with his eyes shut. “Furthermore,” continued Sir Joseph, “he is so little affected by consciousness of his misdeeds that he is even now asleep.” Lord North stirred in his seat and opened his eyes. “I wish to God, Mr. Speaker, I was asleep,” he remarked, and closed his eyes again.

  3 After one of his frequent quarrels with his father, the Prince of Wales (later King George IV) asked Lord North to act as mediator and bring about a reconciliation. Having made the prince’s peace with George III, Lord North reported his success to the prince, adding a little homily for the occasion: “Now, my dear prince, do in future conduct yourself differently — do so for God’s sake, do so for your own sake, do so for your excellent father’s sake, do so for the sake of that good-natured man Lord North, and don’t oblige him again to tell your good father so many lies as that good-natured man has been obliged to tell him this morning.”

  4 In his old age Lord North became blind. He was visited by a friend who had likewise lost his sight. “Colonel, no one will suspect us of insincerity if we say we should be overjoyed to see each other,” said the old man in greeting his friend.

  NORTHCOTE, James (1746–1831), British artist.

  1 Sitting for Northcote, the Duke of Clarence (afterward William IV) asked if the artist knew his brother, the Prince Regent. Northcote said he did not, and the duke was surprised: “Why, my brother says he knows you.”

  “That’s only his brag,” replied Northcote.

  NOYES, John Humphrey (1811–86), US social reformer.

  1 Noyes envisioned a society in which there was no money, no private property, food and shelter for all, and thus no need for competition. A visitor to the community is said to have asked her guide the nature of the fragrance that she smelt in “the Honorable John’s” house. “The odor
of crushed selfishness, maybe,” was the reply.

  NURMI, Paavo (1897–1973), Finnish athlete.

  1 During the 1924 Olympics in Paris, Nurmi ran seven races in six days. Adrian Pavlen, former president of the IAAF and himself an Olympic long-distance runner, recalls the day in which Nurmi won the 1,500-meter event, then seventy-five minutes later won the 5,000. That night Pavlen and some friends were on a bus going from Colombes, the Olympic village, to a party in Paris. The distance was about six miles. “We looked out the window and there was Nurmi walking to Paris, even though he had competed in the 1,500 and 5,000 a few hours earlier.”

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  OATES, Lawrence Edward Grace (1880–1912), British explorer and member of Robert Falcon Scott’s ill-fated expedition to the South Pole.

  1 On their return journey from the Pole, Scott’s party was beset by fearful blizzards. Oates suffered badly from frostbitten feet, which were turning gangrenous. He begged to be left behind so as not to slow up the others. His companions would not hear of it, and they struggled on for another day. The following morning the blizzard was still raging. Oates said, “I am just going outside and may be some time.” He then walked out of the tent and vanished forever into the storm.

  OFFENBACH, Jacques (1819–80), French composer of operettas.

  1 Offenbach dismissed his valet, but gave the man such an excellent reference that a friend wondered why he should have let him go. “Oh, he’s a good fellow,” said Offenbach, “but he won’t do for a composer. He beats my clothes outside my door every morning and his tempo is nonexistent.”

  O’HARA, Frank (1926–66), US writer and poet.