Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes

by Clifton Fadiman

  SCHWARTZ, Delmore (1913–66), US poet and writer.

  1 After years of marriage, Schwartz and his first wife, Gertrude, agreed to a divorce. But in New York, divorce was granted only for such grounds as adultery, not simple incompatibility. So Delmore staged a scene in a hotel room: friends would stop by for a visit, only to find him flagrante delicto with a stranger. The friends duly arrived to see a woman rushing into the bathroom. It was Gertrude herself — who said later, “This was the one time when he wasn’t with another woman.”

  2 Schwartz’s severe alcoholism proved a permanent source of paralysis. He was unable to travel, or often to work at all, due to bouts with the bottle. When asked why he had never even crossed the Atlantic, Schwartz said, “How could I go to Europe when I can’t even shave at home?”

  SCHWARTZ, Maurice (1890–1964), Polish-born actor and theater director.

  1 Schwartz was frequently accused of monopolizing all the best roles. A friend of his hotly denied the allegations. “On occasion Mr. Schwartz has been very generous with the leading parts,” he said. “Take, for example, his recent production of the Brothers Ashkenazi. Did he play both brothers?”

  SCHWARZENBERG, Felix, Prince (1800–52), Austrian statesman and diplomat.

  1 Austria was forced to rely on the help of Czar Nicholas I of Russia to crush the Hungarian uprising against Austrian dominion in 1849. After this had been achieved, Schwarzenberg showed no signs in his policy of favoring Russia in any way. Asked whether he did not feel under an obligation to the czar, Schwarzenberg replied, “Austria will astound the world with the magnitude of her ingratitude.”

  2 After the quelling of the 1849 uprising, it was suggested to Schwarzenberg that it would be prudent to show mercy toward the captured Hungarian rebels. “Yes, indeed, a good idea,” he replied, “but first we will have a little hanging.”

  3 Schwarzenberg’s health failed quite suddenly when he was still comparatively young. A doctor called in to examine him warned him to take more rest or he would die of an apoplectic stroke. “That manner of death has my full approval,” snapped back the patient.

  SCHWEITZER, Albert (1875–1965), Alsatian-born medical missionary, theologian, and musician who was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his work in Africa in 1952.

  1 The phrase “reverence for life” aptly sums up Schweitzer’s philosophy. On a visit to the United States he was importuned by many visitors, a group of whom interrupted his dinner to try to persuade him to explain his ethics. He talked patiently for twenty minutes. One of the visitors wanted him to give a specific example of “reverence for life.” Schweitzer said, “Reverence for life means my answering your kind inquiries; it also means your reverence for my dinner hour.” Schweitzer was able to return to his meal.

  2 His doctrine of “reverence for life” was to be literally obeyed. It accounted for his vegetarianism, as well as for his attitude toward all animals. The American TV star Jack Paar once visited him at his hospital in Lam-baréné. A dog appeared, chasing a chicken. In French Dr. Schweitzer shouted, “No! No! Remember we have won the Nobel Peace Prize!”

  3 Jack Paar also recalls Schweitzer’s standard attire: white pith helmet, white shirt and pants, black tie. He had worn one hat for forty years, the tie for twenty. Told that some men owned dozens of neckties, he remarked, “For one neck?”

  4 (African patients leaving Schweitzer’s hospital frequently stole his chamber pots to use as cooking utensils in their jungle homes.) Traveling by train in Europe, Schweitzer was asked by an inquisitive fellow passenger, “What do you do for a living?” “I supply Gabon with chamber pots,” he replied.

  5 On a train journey in the American Midwest, Schweitzer was approached by two ladies. “Have we the honor of speaking to Professor Einstein?” they asked. “No, unfortunately not,” replied Schweitzer, “though I can quite understand your mistake, for he has the same kind of hair as I have.” He paused to rumple his hair. “But inside, my head is altogether different. However, he is a very old friend of mine — would you like me to give you his autograph?” Taking a slip of paper from his pocket he wrote: “Albert Einstein, by way of his friend, Albert Schweitzer.”

  SCIPIO NASICA SERAPIO, Publius Cornelius (fl. 138 BC), Roman politician.

  1 Scipio Nasica called on his friend, poet Quin-tus Ennius, only to be told by Ennius’s slave that his master was not at home. Nasica caught sight of the poet disappearing into a room at the back of the house. He did not attempt to contradict the slave, however, and left without a word. Sometime later, Ennius returned the visit. “Not at home!” cried Nasica as his friend arrived at the door. “You can’t expect me to believe that — I recognize your voice,” replied Ennius. “Why, you’re a nice fellow,” retorted Nasica. “I believed your slave, and you won’t believe me.”

  SCOTT, Sir Walter (1771–1832), Scottish novelist.

  1 As a boy Scott was always the runner-up in his class at school. Try as he might, he could never displace the fluent, quick-witted, and studious boy who stood at the top of the class. One day Scott, watching his rival speaking in class, noticed that the lad always fumbled with a particular button on his vest while he talked. Stealthily Scott took a pair of scissors and snipped off the button. The next time the master called upon the boy to answer a question, he stood up and began to speak, feeling for the button. Failing to find it, he was so disconcerted that he stuttered and fell silent. Scott seized his opportunity, answered the question, and displaced his rival from the head of the class, a position he maintained thereafter.

  2 Walking around the Abbotsford estate in spring, Sir Walter and Lady Scott passed a field full of gamboling lambs. “No wonder,” said Scott, “that poets from the earliest times have made lambs the symbols of peace and innocence.”

  “Delightful creatures indeed,” Lady Scott assented, “especially with mint sauce.”

  3 Scott gleaned many of the anecdotes and traditional stories used in his novels from an old Scottish lady, Mrs. Murray Keith. At the height of the speculation about the authorship of Waverley, Mrs. Keith challenged Scott with being “the Great Unknown” and refused to accept his customary denial. “D’ye think I dinna ken my ain groats among other folks’ kail [broth]?” she exclaimed.

  4 Scott’s young son was ignorant of his father’s fame as a novelist, but loved and admired him for reasons closer to a boy’s heart. Once when he was in his teens he was in the company of some older people who were discussing Scott’s genius. “Aye,” put in young Scott, “it’s commonly him is first to see the hare.”

  5 When Scott was declared bankrupt in 1826, his friends rallied around with offers of money. Scott declined their assistance, saying, “No, this right hand shall work it all off.” This promise he kept, although the incessant writing ruined his health, and he dictated his last works from his deathbed while suffering great pain.

  SEBASTIANO DEL PIOMBO, Fra (?1485–1547), Italian painter.

  1 In later life Sebastiano ceased painting and was censured for his idleness by certain busy-bodies. He rebutted such criticism by pointing out, “There are now men of genius who do in two months what I used to do in two years, and I believe if I live long enough I shall find that everything has been painted. As these stalwarts can do so much, it is as well that there should also be someone who does nothing, so that they may have the more to do.”

  SEDGWICK, Catharine Maria (1789–1867), US writer.

  1 Like most Sedgwicks, Catharine was very fond of her native town, Stockbridge, Massachusetts, where the burial markers of the clan are arranged in concentric circles known as the Sedgwick Pie. Someone once remarked to Miss Sedgwick that she spoke about Stockbridge as if it were heaven. “I expect no very violent transition,” she replied.

  SEDGWICK, John (1813–64), US general.

  1 During the battle of the Wilderness in the Civil War, the general was inspecting his troops. At one point he came to a parapet over which he gazed out in the direction of the enemy. His officers suggested that this was unwise
and perhaps he ought to duck while passing the parapet. “Nonsense,” snapped the general. “They couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist —”

  SEDGWICK, Theodore (1746–1813), US judge; Speaker of the House of Representatives (1799–1801).

  1 The Sedgwicks had a black servant called Mumbet, who reared the Sedgwick children when their mother became insane. One day Mumbet heard the Declaration of Independence being read out at a town meeting. The following day she went to see Theodore Sedgwick in his office. “Sir,” she said, “I heard that we are all born equal, and every one of us has the right to be free.” Mr. Sedgwick promptly began a suit on Mumbet’s behalf and a decree was obtained in her favor. Mumbet was so grateful she remained with the Sedgwick family for the rest of her life.

  SEDLEY, Sir Charles (1639–1701), British playwright and wit. His writings enjoyed a high reputation among his contemporaries, who also reveled in gossip about the author’s scandalous personal life.

  1 Sir Charles had one daughter, Catharine, a shrewd and witty girl whom James, the Duke of York, made his mistress. When the duke ascended the throne as James II, he resolved not to see her again, but within three months their intrigue was revived. In 1686 James created Catharine Countess of Dorchester. Sir Charles, despite his own notoriety as a libertine, was sincerely upset by his daughter’s situation. “I hate ingratitude,” he said, “and as the king has made my daughter a countess I will endeavor to repay the civility by making his daughter a queen.”

  This he did by voting James II out of office in the Parliament preceding the Glorious Revolution of 1688, which brought James’s daughter Mary and her husband, William of Orange, to the English throne.

  SEELEY, Sir John Robert (1834–95), British historian and essayist.

  1 In 1869 Seeley succeeded Charles Kingsley in the chair of Modern History at Cambridge, which Kingsley had resigned on grounds of ill health. Dr. William Thompson, the Master of Trinity College, observed after Seeley’s inaugural lecture, “Well, well, I did not think we could so soon have had occasion to regret poor Kingsley.”

  SEFERIS, George [George Seferiades] (1900–71), Greek poet and diplomat who won the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1963.

  1 (The British writer and classical scholar Peter Levi met Seferis in Athens in 1963).

  “We talked about mermaids. He said people knew he had a passion for them, and sent him presents of mermaids. There was a mermaid of bread, I think from southern Italy, hanging against the white garden wall. It had been there three years. I said she was young, for a mermaid. ‘But it is old,’ he said, ‘for bread.’ ”

  SEGOVIA, Andrés (1893–1987), Spanish guitar virtuoso.

  1 During a recital in Berlin, Segovia’s guitar was heard to emit a loud cracking sound. Segovia rushed offstage and, cradling his instrument, kept repeating, “My guitar, my guitar.” It was soon learned that the man who had built the guitar had died in Madrid at the exact moment in the concert that Segovia’s guitar had split.

  SELLERS, Peter (1925–80), British comic actor.

  1 Sellers once received the following letter from a Goon Show fan: “Dear Mr. Sellers, I have been a keen follower of yours for many years now, and should be most grateful if you would kindly send me a singed photograph of yourself.” Encouraged by fellow-comedian Harry Secombe, Sellers took the writer at his word. With the flame of his cigarette lighter, he carefully burned the edges of one of his publicity photographs and sent it off by return mail. A couple of weeks later, another letter arrived from the same address. “Dear Mr. Sellers,” it read, “Thank you very much for the photograph, but I wonder if I could trouble you for another as this one is signed all round the edge.”

  2 Blake Edwards, who directed Sellers in the “Pink Panther” films, did not find him the easiest person to work with. One night, having wasted an entire day on one particular scene, Edwards was awakened by a phone call from Peter. “I just talked to God,” he said excitedly, “and He told me how to do it.”

  The following day, Edwards set the cameras rolling to capture the results of Sellers’s divine inspiration. “Peter,” sighed the harassed director, “next time you talk to God, tell Him to stay out of show business.”

  3 In The Mask Behind the Mask, Peter Evans, biographer of Peter Sellers, says that Sellers played so many roles he sometimes was not sure of his own identity. Approached once by a fan who asked him, “Are you Peter Sellers?” Evans said Sellers answered briskly, “Not today,” and walked on.

  SELWYN, George Augustus (1719–91), British politician, eccentric, and wit.

  1 When Henry Fox, Lord Holland, was dying, Selwyn called on him and left his card. His lordship, told that his old friend had called, instructed his footman, “If Mr. Selwyn calls again, show him up. If I am alive, I shall be glad to see him, and if I am dead, I am sure he will be delighted to see me.”

  2 Politician Charles Fox asked Selwyn if he had attended the execution of a highwayman, also called Charles Fox. Replied Selwyn, “I never attend rehearsals.”

  3 Robert Walpole once remarked in Selwyn’s hearing that the British system of politics was the same under George III as it had been under his grandfather, George II, and that there was nothing new under the sun. “Nor under the grandson,” put in Selwyn.

  4 Staying at the fashionable resort of Bath out of season, Selwyn was compelled for want of better company to cultivate the acquaintance of an elderly bore. Some months later they met again by chance in a smart London thoroughfare at the height of the London season. Selwyn tried to slip past unnoticed, but the older gentleman hailed him, saying, “Don’t you recollect me?”

  “Perfectly,” said Selwyn, “and when I next go to Bath I shall be most happy to become acquainted with you again.”

  5 A fashionable society beauty was showing off her new gown, which was covered with silver spangles the size of shillings. “How do you like it?” she asked George Selwyn. “You will be change for a guinea, madam,” he replied.

  6 Selwyn once asserted that no woman could write a letter without adding a postscript. One of the ladies present, determined to prove him wrong, sent him a letter the following day. To Selwyn’s glee, however, his triumphant correspondent had added after her signature: “P.S. Who is right now, you or I?”

  SENECA, Lucius Annaeus (?4 BC-65 AD), Roman statesman, author, and philosopher.

  1 Seneca’s influence upon the vicious and mad Nero grew weaker as the years passed. Nonetheless, Seneca tried to curb his charge’s cruelty, warning him on one occasion, “However many you put to death, you will never kill your successor.”

  SERVETUS, Michael (1511–53), Spanish-born theologian and physician.

  1 Hiding from the Inquisition in Calvin’s Geneva, Servetus was caught, tried, and condemned to be burned at the stake for his views. He said to his judges, “I will burn, but this is a mere incident. We shall continue our discussion in eternity.”

  SEWARD, William Henry (1801–72), US statesman.

  1 After a debate in which Stephen A. Douglas had delivered a fiery diatribe against “nigger-worshipers,” Seward walked home with him from the Capitol. Aware that Douglas hoped to secure the Democratic presidential nomination, Seward remarked, “Douglas, no man will ever be President of the United States who spells negro with two g’s.”

  2 Seward was in an assembly of people who were speculating about the probable destination of a secret movement of troops. A lady, noticing his silence, challenged him: “Well, Governor Seward, what do you make of it? Where do you think they are going?” Seward smiled. “Madam,” he replied, “if I did not know I would tell you.”

  SHAFTESBURY, Anthony Ashley Cooper, 1st Earl of (1621–83), British statesman.

  1 Shaftesbury’s religious beliefs remained a mystery; very likely he was a deist. He once remarked that all wise men are of but one religion. “Which is that?” he was promptly asked. “Wise men never tell,” he replied.

  2 Charles II, hearing some gossip about Lord Shaftesbury, remarked to him jestingly, “I believe
you’re the wickedest rogue in England.”

  “Of a subject, sire, I believe I am,” was the prompt reply.

  SHAKESPEARE, William (1564–1616), British dramatist.

  1 At a time when Richard Burbage was playing the title role in Richard III, he made an assignation with a lady who lived near the playhouse. “Announce yourself as Richard III,” she suggested cautiously — a suggestion Shakespeare overheard. The dramatist slipped out of the theater before the end of the play and hastened to the woman’s lodgings. Here he announced himself as Richard III and was admitted to her bedroom. A short while afterward a message was brought up that “Richard III” was at the door. Shakespeare sent the message back to Burbage, saying that William the Conqueror came before Richard III.

  2 Once when Shakespeare was acting the role of a king, Queen Elizabeth thought she would see if she could distract him from his part and purposely let her handkerchief flutter to the stage at the actor’s feet. Shakespeare did not hesitate. “Take up our sister’s handkerchief,” he instructed one of the stage courtiers in his train.

  SHARP, William (1855–1905), British writer.

  1 The English scholar W. P. Ker learned from a mutual acquaintance that Sharp always wore women’s clothing to write his “Fiona Macleod” romances. “Did he? The bitch!” said Ker.