“But I’m not a diplomat,” I protested. “Hell, I can’t even get them to drop the charges when I’m a day late returning a DVD.”
“No, you are not. Based on what I have heard, though, along with my own observations, you are a decent person – a rarity in our world. Do you wish to see war erupt between our two species?”
“No. I mean, Tom might get a kick out of it, but...”
“And do you wish for our kind to be subjugated beneath the heels of the Grendel?”
“Nope, that would suck.”
“There you have it. Aim for the first, but ensure you do not give up enough for the second.”
“But what about...”
Again, he interrupted me. It was starting to get annoying. “I will be working from the shadows to uncover the treachery that has been wrought. If it can be brought to light, it could count toward a great deal. Rest assured, though, I will also be providing you assistance as I am able. Should you go too far astray, I shall be there to guide you back. You also have another you can call upon.”
“Please don’t say ‘Sally.’”
“Sadly, I get the impression that diplomacy is not her best facet. No, I am speaking of another. The one called the Wanderer is expected to be in attendance for tomorrow’s opening remarks.”
“James? That’s cool and all, but he told me he can’t get involved.”
“Correct. He cannot take a direct stance in these matters. However, he can openly advise you where I cannot. His wisdom is sound, make use of it.”
“But...”
“But nothing! I speak for the First. I have conveyed to you their will. To do otherwise would...”
Now it was my turn to interrupt. “Let me guess: to do otherwise would end badly for me. Trust me, I know the drill.”
Continental Breakfast
I should’ve asked Alex to leave me some of that special incense. Hell, I should’ve packed a few joints and a couple of liters of Jack for this goddamned trip. It’s a good thing my vampire body required less rest, because I sure as shit didn’t get back to sleep after Alex slipped away into the ... well, day I guess. Hope he was wearing some sunscreen under that hood.
As for me, I put my arms behind my head and just lay there staring at the ceiling, listening to my hut-mates breathing (damn, who’d a guessed it ... Sally snored), and wondering if any passing asteroids might be so kind as to come crashing in right about now. A fight to the death I could handle, but this night would bring a different kind of battle: a battle of wits. I usually didn’t consider myself a slouch in that department, but then again, my usual war of words heavily consisted of suggesting the other party suck my dick. I’m pretty sure they didn’t say that too often at the U.N.
♦ ♦ ♦
At around four PM Eastern Time – aka whatever the fuck that translated to in Canada – my companions started to stir. I found it a bit odd, all of them waking at the same time, but then I remembered Alex’s special incense. Guess it was wearing off.
I sat up and looked toward the flap of our hut. From the look of things, the sun was setting. Thank God the higher-ups scheduled this when the nights were longer. If they had gotten it wrong, we would have been royally fucked. It’s hard for vampires to negotiate for peace when the night is all of one hour long.
“Rise and shine, you lazy fucks,” I announced loud enough so that my roommates and Sally alike would hear it.
“Uh, I feel like shit,” Tom complained.
“Me too,” Ed agreed.
“Yeah, well, that’s not too surprising,” I explained. “You see, we had a visitor...”
“Don’t say another fucking word!” Sally commanded, bursting through the ratty curtain dividing our space. All three of us were momentarily stunned into silence, not so much by her yelling – that was normal – but by the fact that she was wearing a short night shirt and not much else.
Seeing us all gaping, she gave a quick sigh and said, “Take a picture, it lasts longer. Seriously, Bill, not a word.”
She quickly went back to her side. Tom, Ed, and I exchanged confused looks all the while. A few moments later, she reappeared, hastily dressed. She grabbed her coat, then stalked outside.
“What the hell was that about?” I asked.
“Maybe she’s on the rag,” Tom offered.
“Do vampires even do that?” Ed asked.
“How should I know? Hell, I kinda assumed Sally was permanently PMSing.”
Her odd behavior aside, I quickly brought my friends up to speed on our visitor from the night before.
“So let me get this straight,” Ed said, once I had finished my tale, “This Alex dude wants you to take charge of things, even if it means purposely pissing off the guy who knocked us all for a loop with just three words yesterday. Am I correct?”
“More or less.”
“It’s a good thing we came along then.”
“Why? Don’t you get it? We thought we were maybe wading into shit before. Instead we’re dog-paddling way over our head now.”
“Exactly,” Ed replied. “Everyone else thinks Tom and I are your advisors. It looks like we really are now. Well, I am, anyway.”
“What about me?” Tom whined.
“Sorry, but even you have to admit your snap judgments sort of suck.”
Tom looked a bit crestfallen, but he also didn’t protest either. I clapped him on the shoulder and said, “Don’t worry. I still need you there, even if it’s just to back me up.”
“I’m here for you, man.”
“Cool. Although I hate to say it, but you’ll probably need to ix-nay any forest-side trysts with Christy for now.”
“No prob, dude. Besides, it’s pretty fucking cold up here. My dick would probably freeze and snap off anyway.”
“Thanks for the visual,” I replied, right before we all started laughing.
♦ ♦ ♦
After getting dressed, I walked out of the tent in search of Sally. I didn’t have to go far. She was standing a couple dozen yards away, facing the tree line.
“See any knotholes that you feel like competing against?” I asked, walking up behind her. Her response was a quick lifting of her arm followed by her middle finger. Ignoring it, I continued, “So what the hell was that back there?”
“Protection,” she replied.
“For what?”
“Not for what, for who,” she stated. “For you and those two fleshbags you keep around.”
“I’m not following.”
“Color me surprised,” she mumbled before answering. “I’m here for you – well, okay, I wouldn’t be if you hadn’t dragged me into it – but since you did, I’m here for you. We are partners, for better or worse. But there’s a problem.”
“What?”
“François.”
“I kinda figured he wasn’t exactly on our side.”
“No, you don’t understand. You remember yesterday, that compulsion he threw out?”
I nodded.
“The guy didn’t look like he put any effort into it, yet he bowled over both my and Nergui’s defenses like they were tissue paper.”
“You’re afraid he might compel you to act against me?”
“Maybe, but if he did, you’d probably see it coming. A compulsion like that wouldn’t be too subtle. What I’m more afraid of is him using me as a spy of sorts.”
“Wouldn’t I notice that, too?”
“Not if he just compelled me to spill my guts and tell him everything I know.”
“Ah, I see. That’s why you stormed off a few minutes ago.”
“Yes. For right now at least, the less I know that isn’t common knowledge, the better off you’ll be.”
I was touched. Sometimes it was easy to forget that in some ways Sally and I were every bit as close as I was with my roommates. She could be a caustic, bitter, sarcastic bitch, but when the shit hit the fan, it was always awesome to see her step up to the plate. Sure, some of it wasn’t exactly altruism on her part. We both knew t
hat she benefited greatly ever since I took over our coven. Still, she could easily have brokered favor with a higher ranking vampire like François by fucking me over. That she was going out of her way to do otherwise was pretty goddamned cool. If I didn’t think I would get decked for the effort, I’d give her a big ole hug.
“Fair enough,” I replied. “Just know one thing.”
“I’m already aware of how tight my ass is.”
“Besides that. If I start doing anything stupid in there today...”
She raised an amused brow.
“You know what I mean. If I do anything that seems to go against François’s rules, just know that I’m doing it on purpose and not just to piss him off. Well okay, part of it might be to piss him off. I might as well enjoy myself while I can.”
“Thanks for the heads up. Oh, and if I start getting that glazed look in my eye, you have permission to slap me back to reality.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Just don’t screw it up. Hit me when I’m not compelled and I’ll strangle you with your own intestines.”
Somehow, I suspected she wasn’t quite joking on that last one.
♦ ♦ ♦
My conversation with Sally quickly fell back into our usual bickering. She was in the middle of complaining about the lack of facilities (it was a fair bet that within a few days we were all going to be smelling about as good as our hosts), when suddenly a shadow fell upon where we stood. We both looked up to find a Bigfoot towering over us. As with the other day, it had seemingly appeared out of nowhere. How could something so big be so quiet?
“We begin soon,” the creature grumbled. “Eat now.”
“Eat?”
“I leave food for you in hut.”
“Thank you, Grulg,” Sally replied. At that, he grunted and lumbered off.
“That was Grulg?” I asked once he was out of earshot.
“Yeah.”
“How could you tell?”
“By scent. Each of these creatures has a unique odor,” she replied, wrinkling her nose.
“Oh. I didn’t think of that. Been mostly breathing through my mouth since we got here.”
“You, a mouth breather? What a surprise. Oh, well, let’s go see what our gracious hosts have left us for breakfast.”
♦ ♦ ♦
We returned to find Tom and Ed sitting at a makeshift table, several crude bowls in front of them. Ed was busy duct-taping a heavy duty flashlight to the barrel of his gun, while Tom was eating.
“I hear room service has been by,” I said, walking over to them.
“Yep,” Ed replied, finishing up his makeshift night scope. “Sadly, the breakfast buffet in this place leaves a lot to be desired.”
“The nuts and berries aren’t so bad,” Tom commented, scooping up a handful. “Tastes kind of like trail mix.”
“I guess so,” agreed Ed, “but just between us, I’m going to pass on the grubs.” He indicated a bowl in the middle, within which several fat bugs squirmed.
“Nice,” I said. “Nuts and berries it is, then.” I reached for the bowl in front of Tom, but he slapped my hand.
“Not so fast. This sumptuous feast is ours. They dropped your meal off in the corner there, or can’t you smell it?”
I turned, taking a breath through my nose and then it hit me. “What the fuck is that?”
“Offhand,” said Sally, stepping over to the source of the stench. “I’d say it was the world’s unluckiest hiker.”
Sure enough, she was right. Lying in the corner was a human corpse, all decked out in cold weather camping gear. Judging by the condition of the body, though, it wasn’t exactly a fresh kill.
“Been dead for about three weeks, I’d say,” she continued, adding a sarcastic edge to her voice. “So nice of the Bigfeet to stock their larders for us ahead of time.”
“I’ll pass,” I said, stepping over to our cooler. I opened it and noticed just two pints of blood left. “Want one?”
“You keep it. You like the bottled stuff more anyway.”
“You’re not going to actually chew into that, are you?”
“Don’t be stupid. I’m going to go out and wander around a bit. I’m willing to bet some of the other vamps here have brought along something a little fresher.”
“Going to bat your eyelashes and convince them to invite you over?”
“Hell yeah,” she said, walking toward the entrance. “If you’ve got it, use it ... and I’ve definitely got it.” With that, she stepped back outside.
She had a point. I knew Sally was over fifty years old, although she was pretty coy about her exact age. Even immortal chicks were apparently weird about those things. Still, regardless of how old she was, I was fairly sure it had been a long time since she had stepped into a bar and paid for her own drinks. I had little doubt when next we met that she’d show up well fed.
So that left me. I downed one of the pints immediately. That would leave me good to go for the time being. Unfortunately, these talks were bound to last a while. No point in suffering needlessly. I looked again in the cooler and found a near-empty Snapple bottle. I finished off the contents, then poured the remaining blood into it. Remembering one of the primary lessons learned in college, I pulled out a pen and wrote “BILL” on the label. I didn’t know if Sasquatches drank blood or not, but better safe than having one of those ugly motherfuckers backwash in my drink. That would just be nasty.
That done, I cleaned myself up as best as I could. When finished, I asked my friends, “So what do you think? Do I look ready to save the world?”
“If they’re judging you by appearance,” Ed replied. “Then I’d say the world is fucked.”
“Works for me. If I’m going to plunge this planet into a global genocide, I’d prefer to be comfortable doing so.”
Satan’s Snack Cart
Sally returned a short while later looking fully sated. The smirk on her face was all the answer I needed as to whether she had been successful in her attempt to scam a meal.
It wasn’t too much longer before a familiar guttural voice called to us from outside, “Time is now.”
Thus summoned, we stepped outside as a group. Standing there, as expected, was Grulg. Next to him was Nergui, decked out in full battle armor, looking like some sort of samurai.
He gave us a quick glance as we approached, and I could have sworn something like disapproval passed through his eyes. My companions and I looked more likely to be the victims in a Friday the 13th movie than important delegates.
Grulg grunted and turned, beckoning us to follow. As we started walking, I asked Nergui, “You expecting trouble?”
“I am always open to the possibility, but, this,” he indicated his attire, “is tradition. As your guard, I am expected to be armed for conflict. So too will my counterparts be. It is purely ceremonial.”
The Mourning Woods (The Tome of Bill Book 3) Page 15