My Everything

by Heidi McLaughlin

  “Josie, that’s my ex, I asked her to marry me something obnoxious like six times. Each time she’d say no until the last time I proposed. The only reason she said yes is because our friend had just died in a car accident. I was in the hospital when he was brought in. I was called into the emergency room to see a little girl who was having trouble breathing. When I finished with her, I saw Josie’s best friend in the waiting room. I held her until they let her go in and say goodbye to her husband and then I drove her home.

  “When I got home, Josie wasn’t there, but our son – her son – he was asleep so I couldn’t understand why she wasn’t home and then I realized that she would’ve gone to Katelyn’s to take care of their twins. Mason and Katelyn have the cutest girls. I’ve been their doctor since they were born. I waited until Josie came home, sitting in the dark living room, watching as car after car shone lights into the window.

  “She walked in, her tear-streaked face showing me just how desperate she was for affection. She just lost her best friend and didn’t get to say goodbye. I held her all night. We cried together and talked about ways we needed to help Katelyn.

  “When the sun rose hours later, I got down on my knee, with tears in both of our eyes and told her that I can’t live like this anymore, that I want to call her my wife and told that life is too short not to make decisions. I asked her again and for the first time in six years she didn’t hesitate.

  “The only problem with my proposal is that we couldn’t celebrate. We couldn’t tell anyone that we were finally getting married because our happiness didn’t even compare to the pain we were feeling with losing Mason.

  “Funeral preparations had to take place. Lives had to change. We needed to go through our daily and weekly routines minus one person. Nothing was right.”

  I get up and lean against the post so I can see her. “When Mason died I knew things were going to be different, but I didn’t expect for my soon-to-be wife to fall out of love with me so quickly. Her ex rolled in like he hadn’t been gone for ten years. I stupidly thought that she’d remember the pain he caused her and she’d stay far away, but they have a son and he wanted to be a part of their son’s life. Not that I could blame him; Noah’s an amazing kid, but that left me on the outside. As much as Josie reassured me that everything was okay, it wasn’t. It didn’t take long before my feelings didn’t matter and the sad thing is I knew it was going to happen so I should’ve prepared myself, but I didn’t. I held out hope.”

  I sigh and stuff my hands in my pockets. “The reason I’m telling you this is because sometimes I feel broken, like I’ve lost my path. The night before I left, I told her we were moving out here and she refused to come with me. I knew she was going to, but it was my last-ditch attempt. I left that night and never said goodbye to Noah, and for that I regret my decision to leave the way I did. I live with that now and am struggling to find a way to make amends. I owe it to him and myself. He needs to know that he didn’t do anything wrong and that it was okay for him to choose his dad. But I’m also telling you this because I’m looking for the whole package. I want a wife and a family sooner rather than later and I know you have your whole life ahead of you and probably don’t want kids for a while, but it wouldn’t be fair to either of us to start a relationship when we have different goals in life.”

  Aubrey stands and I prepare myself to watch her walk away. She surprises me when she steps closer, her expression unreadable in the dark. I tense when I feel her hands on my waist, fisting the sides of my shirt.

  “Why don’t you ask me what I want instead of assuming?”

  Touché. I look down at her and smile. “What do you want, Aubrey?”

  “You,” she whispers.

  I shake my head. Didn’t she hear a single thing I just said? “I don’t do casual.”

  “Me neither. I was raised with traditional core values. When I kissed you back there it was out of emotion from what I just witnessed. When she didn’t want to push, I thought for sure we were going to lose the baby. I watched you in there today. You were so calm and self-assured. I was so impressed with how you handled everything. I couldn’t help myself when I found you hunched over the sink. I needed to touch you. I needed the peace I feel when you’re near me.”

  I take a deep breath. I’m not trying to push her away. I’m just not looking for anything temporary. “I’m leaving soon. I’m only here for a year.”

  “I’m a volunteer with my parent’s missionary, Nick. I can come and go as I please. I don’t have to put in a year or even a month. If I want to go to another hospital tomorrow I can.”

  I run my hand through my hair. She makes everything so tempting, but I don’t know if that’s enough. “What are you saying?”

  She steps closer, her chest pressing against mine. I wish it was light enough so I can see her face. See her expression. Her lips graze just below my chin. I can’t help but smile, she can’t reach me unless I bend over.

  Aubrey wraps her arms around me, resting her head on my chest. I do the same, resting my head on top of hers, and look out into the darkness. I wish life could be simple.

  “When I first started here I wasn’t sure I was going to stay. I had told my parents that I wanted to explore each village and find the best one for me. My mom expected me to return to South Africa and go to college for fashion design or something stupid like that. She was always saying I’d decorate before I healed. I had to prove her wrong.

  “The morning you walked in, I forgot to breathe. I choked on my own tongue. It’s not because you’re gorgeous and strikingly handsome, which in case you have any doubt, you absolutely are; it’s because of the way you carried yourself. You walked in like you were the leader and there to make a change. I was this new nurse and watched the others fawn all over you and you didn’t even recognize the attention you were getting.

  “I thought ‘wow, his wife is one lucky woman’ only to find out that you weren’t married. My hopes soared, but you wouldn’t talk to me. You were – still are – water cooler talk. The nurses, they adore you, and here I am in your arms trying to find a way to keep you. I don’t know if I believe in fate or fairytales, but the moment you walked into the clinic on my first day, I knew I was in trouble.

  “I want to try, if you do. You make all the ugly in this world seem just a bit better when I close my eyes at night and I’d be a fool to let you walk away because you don’t do casual.”

  I take in her words. They hit me square in the heart. But there is one question I need to know. I lean down and whisper, “Would you come back to the States with me?” I feel her reaction before she says the words. She starts nodding.

  “We were destined to meet, Nick. I have no doubt in my mind you were meant for me. If you want me to move back to the States with you, I’d gladly walk by your side into your next adventure.”

  I don’t wait another minute. I capture her lips with mine. In my heart, I know she’s speaking the truth. I can feel it. The loss is immediate when she pulls away.

  “Where are you going?”

  She holds my hands, extending our arms out wide. “Have you ever done anything spontaneous?”

  I try to pull her back to me. This is the only time we can touch and she’s just declared that she’ll follow me anywhere and now she’s standing too far away.

  I shrug. I can’t remember the last time I was spontaneous, aside from asking Josie to marry me.

  “Can’t say that I have,” I reply. I finally give up and drag her back toward the dorm. I can’t see her face and its driving me nuts. I stop us just outside of our residence. There is enough light that we can see each other when we talk. I like this better, although we’ll have to keep our voices down. “Now tell me what’s going on in that mind of yours.”

  Her grin is wicked with an evil little glint in her eyes. She’s up to something and I have a feeling I’m going to be on the receiving end whether I like it or not. I pull her to me, my hand cupping the back of her head, holding her to me as I kiss her
deeply. The man in me wants to take her. Make her mine. The volunteer in me knows we have to abide by the rules. They are set that way to protect us. As much as I want to say screw it and take her back to my room, I know I can’t.

  “Marry me?”

  Chapter 4

  “Why not, Josie? We live together. We are raising your son as our own. We celebrate holidays and birthdays as a family. Tell me why not after three years? Why don’t you want to marry me?”

  Josie looks at me with tears in her eyes. She wipes them angrily, smearing her make-up in the process. “I don’t know.”

  “That’s not a reason and you know it.” I kick my shoes off and head to her bedroom. I’m done calling it our bedroom. Clearly I’m in the wrong here, thinking we have something special.

  I stare into the closet and look at my clothes next to hers. I can’t stay here, not tonight. Not after this second rejection. My suitcase mocks me in the corner, reminding me that nothing in this house, aside from clothes and a few books, is mine. I moved into her home. I never gave it a second thought. Noah’s stuff is here and it made sense. The house is big enough for the three of us, even though I want to expand our family.

  I think I need to give her space. Maybe that’s the only answer. I pull my suitcase out of the closet and set it on the bed. The zipper is loud, echoing throughout the room. I shake my head as I start unloading my side of the dresser. The anger builds with each load until I’m throwing stuff into the dark hole.

  Yanking my shirts and slacks off the hangers, they go flying, hitting the walls and ceiling. I know I’m making more noise than necessary, but I’m pissed. Why does she keep saying no and when am I going to grow a fucking set and just leave her? Clearly she doesn’t love me like I love her. I’m always battling a ghost for her affection.

  “What are you doing?”

  I look at her, standing in the doorway of the closet, my breathing labored. “What does it look like I’m doing?”

  “It looks like you’re leaving me.”

  “Ding… ding… ding... Johnny, tell her what she’s won.” I step to her. “Well, Johnny, Ms. Preston has won her life back. She no longer has to pretend to be in love with the good doctor.” I turn away before I can see her reaction. I may have been a little harsh, but I don’t care. I’m done being the only one to put effort into our relationship. I stalk past her, bumping her shoulder as I pass.

  “You can’t do this.”

  “Yes I can.” I throw my pile of clothes into my suitcase and head to the bathroom. She steps in front of me, blocking my path. If I didn’t love her, I’d pick her up and move her out of my way. I tower over her. She’s my little rag doll. “Move, Josephine.”

  “You can’t leave me.”

  “Unbelievable. You want me to stay? You want me to live here knowing that you don’t love me? The first time I understood; we hadn’t been together that long. But now? There’s no excuse. You don’t love me, I get that. I’ll get my things and be out of your hair in an hour.”

  Josie puts her hands on my chest, stopping me from moving. “I do love you, Nick. I love you so much, but I’m scared. I’m so scared that I’m going to say yes and everything will change. I love the life we share and marriage changes things. It changes people.”

  “I want a life with you, Josie. I want to have a baby.”

  She looks away and I know in my heart that she’s not ready for that. Being a mom at eighteen really does a number on some people.

  “I’m not ready.”

  “Yeah I know, but I am and I need to think about me too. Three years, Josie. Most women are begging their men to ask them after one. I’ve asked twice and each time you’ve turned me down. I can’t take anymore rejection.”

  “Nick, I love you. I do. I’m scared.” Her hands move up my chest. I know I should stop her advances, but I can’t. I’m putty when it comes to her. I’ve wanted her for so long I’m willing to torture myself just to keep her.

  “I’m scared I’m going to lose you.”

  “You won’t lose me,” she says as her fingers unbutton my shirt. I need to tell her no. We’ve been down this path before. It leads to the bed, amazing sex and me forgetting how we got to this point.

  My hands clamp down on her wrist, stopping her from finishing the job. “It won’t work this time.”

  I move aside and leave her standing in her room. I don’t know where I’m going, but I need to get out of this house and away from her. She’s an evil temptress who knows how to get her way with me and I need to think clearly.

  I drive to Ralph’s. It’s dead, which is surprising. I pull up a stool at the bar and signal for a beer. The stool next to me moves and I can feel the person next to me sigh.

  “That didn’t take long.”

  “They’re women, they talk.” Mason says and he takes a sip of his beer.

  “I give up, man. I can’t do it anymore.”

  “I hear ya.”

  I look at him out of the corner of my eye. “Aren’t you supposed to convince me to go back to her?”

  He shakes his head and starts peeling the label off his bottle. “Nope, I told Katelyn I won’t do that. Josie doesn’t make sense. Her world revolves around you and Noah and yet she isn’t willing to make it official. I’m not even going to pretend to understand what she’s thinking.”

  “She’s scared things are going to change.”

  “They will, but it’s nothing to be scared about. Hell, I just about pissed myself before I asked Katelyn to marry me.”

  I chuckle. “You’ve been doing that since high school.”

  “Nah man, not like that. The moment I decided I was asking her and went to ask her parents, I threw up in their bushes. I was a nervous wreck, afraid they wouldn’t think I was good enough for their daughter. And the day I asked, I think I pissed myself a little when she said yes. If you ever tell her that, though, I’ll deny it and you’ll never be allowed at my house.”

  I can’t help but laugh. I have no doubt Mason is telling the truth.

  “Mr. Preston has given me his blessing. It was easy to ask him. I think he was expecting it.”

  “I’m sure he was. He likes you.”

  “Josie doesn’t.”

  Mason asks for two more beers and a bowl of peanuts. He’s always eating, but I can’t help but grab a few.

  “Josie loves you and I know you love her. I think that sometimes you just have to wait shit out if you really want to be with that person. I know she’s a pain in the ass, but she’s worth it.”

  “I’m not so sure she loves me or the idea of me. I think she’s afraid of being alone.”

  Mason whacks me on the back of my head. I give him the ‘what the fuck’ look and he just smiles. “If I didn’t think she loves you, I wouldn’t be sitting here when I have a hot little thing waiting for me at home. Believe me, Ashford, you may be taller and pretty, but you don’t have jack shit on Katelyn.”

  “Does she know you talk about her like that?”

  “Yep, and she loves it.”

  Again, I have no doubt he’s telling the truth. It takes someone special to love someone like Mason.

  “What should I do?”

  “Go home and make love to her and be patient. She went through more than anyone should ever have to go through and she’s scared. Accept it and either move on or forget about her reasons and just be with her. I guarantee she’s not going anywhere. I see the way she looks at you. You’ve made her feel whole again. If you leave her because she’s scared it makes you no better than the other guy.”

  “The other guy was your best friend.”

  Mason downs the rest of his beer and throws some cash on the bar. “Yeah, well he’s not anymore.”

  I watch as he leaves, replaying everything that he said. He’s right in his own way. Love should be more important than anything else and I love her. I love her more than anything in my life aside from Noah. I can still be his dad without sharing his last name.

  When I get home, the house
is dark. I open the door to find her sitting in one of our kitchen chairs, in the entryway. She’s making it so I don’t miss her. She looks up at me with her red, puffy face and it breaks my heart. I shut the door quietly and lean against it. I’m not sure I’m ready to talk about what happened earlier.

  “You can’t leave me.”

  “I know.” I drop down on my knees and bury my face in her lap. Mason’s right. I love her too much to leave her. We can work through this, figure out a compromise. I’ll do anything I can to keep her.

  “I love you so much, Nick. I can’t lose you.”

  “You won’t, baby. I’m not going anywhere.”

  “I’ll give you a baby if that’s what you want.”

  I look at her, shocked at what she just said. I shake my head. “As much as I want to have a baby with you, we can wait until you’re ready.”

  She pulls me close. Locking her arms around my neck I pick her up and carry her to our bedroom. I look around and notice the room is clean. She’s put away my clothes and made it look like nothing bad happened in here.

  I lay her down gently, pulling off her shirt. She removes her shorts as I stand and strip bare for her...

  Chapter 5

  “Knock, knock,” I look up from my desk to find my co-worker, Roman, standing in the doorway.

  “Come in,” I say clearing my voice. I can’t believe I remembered that fight with Josie. I thought for sure I was leaving her then, but no, like the idiot I am I stayed and took more of her punishment.

  “Are you all packed?”

  I look around the sparse room. Only my roommate hung pictures. I brought my clothes and one picture of Noah. That was the extent of my personal possessions.

  “Yeah, just had my clothes. I didn’t bring much with me.”

  “It’s a shame you aren’t staying longer. We could really use you around here.”

  I smile and nod in thanks. “It’s time for me to head back home. I have a practice there that I really need to get back to. I told my sub I’d be gone a year and I miss my patients.”