The List

by Sherri L. Lewis

  I smiled. This wasn’t so bad after all. “So how ’bout you guys?”

  Lisa rolled her eyes. “My week wasn’t much better. I met three guys. One was the eHarmony cutie I showed you guys last week. Total dud.” She sing-songed, “Bor-ing. With a capital B.”

  “Really? He looked too cute to be boring.”

  Nicole and Lisa looked at me and rolled their eyes.

  “Too cute to be boring?” Vanessa asked.

  “Yeah, with those snazzy pictures and his good looks, you’d assume he had it going on. Anyway, what about the other two?” I asked.

  “The second one I met on Blacksingles.com. He lives here in the ATL, so I figured, cool, no long-distance issues. And his profile was kinda poetic, so I figured he might be smart. Girl, somebody must have wrote his profile for him. The first time I talked to him—”

  “You talked to him?” My eyes flew open.

  “Yeah.” She gave me a funny look.

  “You gave someone you met on the internet your phone number? That’s crazy. And dangerous.”

  “How is it any more crazy or dangerous than giving someone you meet in Starbucks your number? You don’t know anything about them except what they look like in person. At least I’ve read these people’s profiles,” Lisa said.

  “Yeah, but they could lie on their profiles,” I said.

  “As could a guy you meet in person. It’s all taking a chance. You have to use good judgment, plead the blood, and trust God that you don’t meet an axe murderer or serial killer—whether online or in person.”

  I shook my head slowly. “I guess so.”

  “How do you know Mr. Cutie from Starbucks wasn’t a rapist or child molester?”

  “I guess I don’t.”

  “My point exactly. Anyway, do you want to hear about this or not?”

  I nodded for her to continue.

  “So, I talk to the guy, and he’s going on and on about how he’s so excited that I called him and he can’t believe I’m interested in him and that he promises he’s going to do everything in his power to make me know how much he loves me and he’s a good man and not like all the rest, and if I give him enough of a chance, he’ll prove that to me and on and on and—”

  Nicole put down her wrap sandwich. “He loves you? He just met you.”

  “Exactly,” Lisa said. “My first clue that something wasn’t straight. So the next day, this nut calls me at midnight—yes, twelve p.m.—because he needed to let me know he was thinking about me and couldn’t get me off his mind and thinking about me made it impossible for him to sleep.”

  “Midnight?” Vanessa asked.

  “Yeah, girl. I promptly told him I wasn’t having any trouble sleeping and that he should try counting sheep. I hung up the phone, thinking he would get the message how inappropriate that was. So, of course I didn’t call him back and had no intentions of calling him back ever. Three days later, he sends me a text—at five in the morning—and I had to save it to show you guys.”

  Lisa flipped open her phone and pushed a few buttons. “Check this out.” She passed the phone to Angela, and Nicole leaned close to read it.

  In a few seconds, both their eyes bugged out. Angela put a hand over her mouth to stifle her laughter.

  Nicole shrieked, “Are you serious?”

  I reached out my hand. “What? Lemme see.”

  Nicole passed the phone over, her mouth still gaping open. I stared at the small screen and leaned over, so Vanessa could see as well.

  I awake this morning with you perspiring my soul. I search the whole worl for the one and I felted that I founded it in you but the lack of cumulative time together is creating distance my soul cannot bear. Open your heart to embrace my love and you will never look for love agin.

  I screeched, “No way.”

  Vanessa’s eyes were wide, and her eyebrows knit together.

  “Yeah, girl. So I called him and left a voicemail to let him know how inappropriate his calls and texts at such odd hours were and that I really thought he should look elsewhere because I wasn’t the one. Apparently he was texting while I was calling because I got another text asking me to ‘open my heart and could we meet for a ride on the clouds later that day.’ So I texted him back and simply said, ‘Please do not call me or text me anymore. Delete my number from your phone.’ This fool sends back a message that says, ‘Whatever’ . . . and then this . . .” She scrolled through the text messages on her phone again and then held it out to Angela and Nicole.

  This time, Nicole’s mouth flew open in horror, and Angela covered her mouth.

  “Oh, no, he didn’t.” Nicole went into full neck-swinging, finger-snapping, sister mode. She flipped the screen around for us to see.

  My eyes widened. “He cussed you out by text? He called you crazy? He’s clearly the one who needs medication. And y’all wonder why I don’t want to internet date. Please . . .” I sucked my teeth. “What made you even communicate with him in the first place?”

  “Chile, I don’t even know,” Lisa answered. “He was cute and said he worked in the legal profession and made a lot of money. Turns out he’s a paralegal, and the salary he put on the page is what he’s trusting God to one day attain.”

  “They put their salaries on there?” Vanessa asked.

  “Some of them. Most put that they’d rather not say.”

  I got up to grab the garlic sauce from the pizza box. “Girl, ain’t no way you can convince me to try that internet stuff. Should we even ask about the third guy?”

  Lisa shrugged. “He wasn’t so bad, but there was nothing special about him. I think he felt the same way, because we talked on the phone for about fifteen minutes. There was no connection, no chemistry, no nothing. Then he said he had to answer another call—even though his phone didn’t beep—but would call me back later. I haven’t heard from him since. Which is good, because I would have ignored his call had I seen his name on the caller ID.”

  I sat back down and put my head in my hands. “I’m not built for this dating stuff. I’m convinced there has to be an easier way.” I looked around the table. “Why did they do away with arranged marriages?”

  Everybody laughed. Vanessa rubbed my back. Angela’s soft voice spoke up. “Don’t you want to hear about my week before you draw your conclusions?”

  All heads whipped in Angela’s direction.

  For the first time all night, I noticed there was a little something different about her. A glow, maybe. When she smiled a shy little smile, I knew something special had happened. “Do tell.”

  We all leaned toward Angela to get the details.

  She leaned back like all the attention was too much for her. “Well . . .” She giggled.

  Not that she never laughed, but she sounded . . . girlish. I was even more intrigued.

  “Well, I met this guy on eHarmony, and basically, the way it works is that you answer a bunch of questions back and forth and then you can email each other. So we did, and then we finally talked on the phone . . . after I was pretty sure he wasn’t crazy,” she said in Lisa’s direction, rolling her eyes. “So, the first time we talked, it was amazing. Like talking to someone I’d known for years. We stayed on the phone all night, for like six hours, and we’ve talked every day since.” Her eyes glazed over. “He’s wonderful.”

  “My, my, my. Look at you.” Lisa leaned back and stared at Angela. “So, tell us about him.”

  Angela grinned. She looked twenty years younger. Not that she was old-looking, but she had a bubbly adolescent look that was so un-Angela.

  “Well, he’s forty-four. He’s a computer geek—works in IT and also builds computers. He’s very involved in his church and teaches Sunday School. Has been divorced for three years and has a son and daughter in college. And he’s sweet and godly and smart and is serious about a committed relationship and getting married again.” She paused and batted her eyelashes. “He wants to come visit next weekend.”

  “Come visit?” Vanessa raised her eyebrows. “
Where is he from?”

  “Augusta. Two hours away. I told him he’d have to stay in a hotel.”

  “Darn skippy he has to stay in a hotel. He surely can’t stay with you. And make sure you meet him out in public.” Vanessa snapped into mother hen mode. “Don’t be having that man in your house at all.”

  “Yes, ma’am,” Angela said.

  I was afraid her face would crack from smiling.

  Lisa sat back against her chair. “Wow, you met somebody. You think it was the new pictures?”

  Angela shook her head. “I started communicating with him before we posted the new pictures. He liked me even when I had the boring picture on there. Me in the lab. He liked the fact that I was smart and so different from all the women he’s met recently.”

  “Is he cute?” Nicole asked.

  I wanted to ask the same thing, but didn’t want to embarrass Angela, if he wasn’t. Leave it to Nicole.

  “I think so. At least from his pictures, anyway. ’Chelle, where’s your laptop? I’ll pull up his profile.”

  I scampered back to my office to get it. Once inside, I almost broke my neck tripping over a huge stack of papers in the middle of the floor I had been meaning to sort through.

  I looked up at the ceiling. “Okay, God, I get it. I’ll do better. I’ll be neat and clean from now on. I promise. But do you have to break my ankle?”

  I could see God looking at Jesus like, “I broke her ankle? Who left the papers in the middle of the floor?”

  “Okay, you’re right. My bad. I’ll do better.” I unplugged the cords from the computer to take it back to the table. I dodged a stack of books in the hall on the way back.

  I set the computer down in front of Angela.

  In less than a minute of typing and clicking, she turned it around to us and said, “That’s him.” Her voice was half-excited, half-nervous.

  “My, my, my,” Lisa said.

  Vanessa smiled in approval as well. “Well, now. I say.”

  “Lemme see.” I reached for the computer. “Oh, my.”

  Nicole grabbed the computer next. “Talk about answered prayer. A fine nerd, indeed.”

  Angela giggled.

  I pulled the screen back around from Nicole. “Girl, he’s cute.” He was caramel-colored with squinty Chinese-like eyes, and a broad smile. His low haircut was sprinkled with gray at the temples. He had that older, classy-handsome, Billy Dee thing going on. “You go, Angela.”

  She covered her face with her hands. “I know. I can’t believe it. So, you think I should let him come visit?”

  “Girl, are you crazy?” Lisa pulled the screen toward her. “You better.”

  Vanessa pulled the computer toward her. “He seems to have a kind, gentle spirit. Okay. I guess I approve. He still can’t come over your house, though.”

  “Yes, mother.” Angela couldn’t contain her grin. She clapped her hands together and bounced in her seat. “Okay, tonight when I talk to him, I’m gonna tell him he can come.” Her glee faded. “Oh, no. What am I going to wear? What am I going to do with my hair?”

  Lisa put a hand on her shoulder. “Girl, you know I got you. I’ma hook you up to where he ain’t gon’ know what to say.”

  “Don’t hook her up too much.” Nicole sucked her teeth. “She’s got years of pent-up passion locked up in her loins. We don’t want nothing lettin’ loose.”

  We all laughed. Angela blushed.

  “Did you tell him?” Vanessa asked gently.

  Angela’s eyes widened in horror. “Of course not. I don’t want to run him off by telling him I’m some inexperienced virgin.”

  “Did you at least tell him you were celibate and planning to be so until you get married?”

  Angela sat silent.

  “I take that as a no,” Nicole said.

  Angela shook her head. “He’s saved. He’s in church and loves the Lord. He’s one of the leaders in the men’s ministry, and he knows the Word of God. Why should we have to have that conversation?”

  Lisa rolled her eyes. “Girl, everybody saved ain’t livin’ saved. You know that.”

  “Well, he’s a mature Christian. I shouldn’t have to tell him that,” Angela said.

  “You may not have to tell him that, but you should see what his views on the subject are.” Vanessa brushed back a large curl that had fallen over into Angela’s face when she bent her head down.

  “I don’t want to run him away.” Angela’s voice was so low, we could barely hear her.

  “Sweetie, I beg to differ,” Vanessa said. “If he doesn’t have the same commitment, you do want to run him away. If he does, then at least you’ll both know where you stand.”

  Angela nodded slowly. “Okay. I guess I’ll talk to him about it. When though? How soon in the whole dating thing should we have that conversation?”

  “I always tell them on the first date. I think they need to know. It’s unfair to let them expect something they’re not gonna get.” Lisa flipped her hair over her shoulder. “And of course, when they see all this, they start salivating and imagining what it would be like. I can’t have them all excited for nothing.”

  Nicole rolled her eyes. “Girl, please.”

  I looked at Vanessa. “When do you think is the right time to tell? I mean, like Angela said, if they’re saved, they should already know that, but like Lisa said, everybody saved ain’t living saved.”

  “Girl, you are asking the wrong person. That is so not an issue in my life right now.” Vanessa took a sip of her soda.

  We all sat there quiet for a minute.

  I looked at Angela. “I’m happy for you, girl. I hope this turns out well for you.”

  She nodded. “Me too. But if it doesn’t, it’s worth the experience. I’ve learned things about myself already. About what I’m looking for in a relationship. I mean, he’s not the only person I’ve ever talked to from eHarmony. He’s like one of three guys I communicated with this week. But there was something about him. Like this magical connection. I can’t explain it. If it doesn’t work out, well, at least I got to enjoy him for a moment.” She rested her head on her hand and sighed.

  Angela’s cell phone rang. She looked down at the screen and then back up at us. “It’s him.” She started flapping her hands like she was trying to be airborne. “It’s him.”

  “Well, answer the phone, Tweety,” Nicole said.

  Angela picked up the phone and answered it. “Hey, you.” She paused a second and giggled. “I was just thinking about you, too.” She pushed her seat back and got up. She started down the hallway toward my bedroom.

  “Noooooo!” I flew down the hall after her and stood to block her from going in.

  She frowned at me but kept talking. “Yeah, I was thinking about that. Where do you want—” She started for the office, but I didn’t want her to go in there, either.

  I moved to block the door.

  She stared at me like I had lost it.

  I pointed her toward the bathroom. I always kept it and the public areas clean when I knew company was coming over.

  She said, “Hold on a second,” and put her hand over the phone. “What is your problem? Can I have a few minutes of privacy?”

  “Go in the bathroom, my room is a mess.”

  “It can’t be that bad.” She bolted around me and opened the door. She started in but backed out. “Okay, maybe it can.” She went into the bathroom and closed the door. She popped her head out. “Be back in a sec. Oh, and uh, you really need to work on that. God can’t send you a man with your life looking like that.”

  I hung my head and returned to the table. Everybody was shaking their heads when I sat back down.

  Nicole grabbed my arm. “You know I love you, girl. But you got to do better. She’s right. God ain’t sending you no king and you can’t keep his castle clean. And that doesn’t mean you gotta be the one doing all the cleaning. But you gotta do better than this. And you need to start cooking some decent food, too. You can’t feed your husband and kids fa
st food every day.”

  “I know. Things have been crazy busy lately.”

  Vanessa pursed her lips. “’Chelle, I’ve known you for almost five years. It’s always like this. Do what you got to do. Hire somebody if you have to.”

  Lisa nodded. “Yeah, girl. Don’t block your blessing.”

  “All right. I hear you.” I got up from the table and snatched up the pizza box and stuffed it in the refrigerator. I took a rag and wiped the counters.

  “You ain’t got to do it now. You got company,” Nicole said. “And you ain’t got to be snippy about it either. We’re just giving you the truth in love.”

  “I know.” I slid back into my seat. “I’m sorry. I—”

  “He’s coming. He’s coming.” Angela emerged from the bathroom and skipped back to the table. “Next weekend. He’ll be here Saturday morning, and we’re going to spend all day together, and then he’s coming to church with me on Sunday. He said he was excited about meeting me, and next weekend was gonna be extra long getting here.” She fell into her chair and hugged her arms around her waist. “He likes me.”

  Vanessa patted her back. “Of course he does. You’re beautiful, smart, compassionate, godly—just all around wonderful.”

  “Really, V?”

  Vanessa frowned. “Have you been doing your affirmations? I think you need to do them four times a day this week. Don’t be worried about whether he likes you, or trying to make sure you don’t run him off. Make sure you like him. Okay?”

  Angela reached over to hug Vanessa. “Yes, mother.” Lisa said, “Good. He’s coming to church with you on Sunday. That means we can get a look at him. And . . . we can do the worship test.”

  Angela frowned. “The worship test?”

  “Yeah,” Lisa said. “You can tell a lot about a guy and his relationship with God by how he behaves during praise and worship. If he sits down while everyone else is standing and praising, you definitely don’t want him. If he stands out of obligation but doesn’t sing or lift his hands or participate, you probably don’t want him. If he actually knows the words to the songs, lifts his hands and worships God, then he’s a keeper. And if he sheds a tear or ends up prostrate on the floor, girl, you better marry that man.”