The List

by Sherri L. Lewis

  “Mom, don’t start. I know Michelle isn’t in the mood for that speech early on a Saturday morning.”

  Good old Valerie. Always taking up for me. My mom, dad, three sisters, and three brothers all still lived in Houston. All within a thirty-mile radius of one another. I was the one that had to be different and move out here to Atlanta.

  “What’s the news?” A weird tickly feeling rose up in my belly.

  “I’m getting married!” Sheree blurted out.

  “Oh, wow! Babydoll, congratulations. I can’t believe it. When?”

  I tried not to feel sick as my baby sister—twenty-six years old—chattered on and on about her proposal from her long-time boyfriend. What kind of sister was I? I was supposed to be happy for her. God, deliver me from the spirit of jealousy. Or, at the very least, help me fake it through the rest of this conversation.

  “And we’re gonna get married in July, the weekend of the family reunion. That way, everybody will already be in town.”

  Thanks, God. Really. Thanks. I hadn’t planned on going to the family reunion. I was an emotional wreck the year before. Everybody, and I mean everybody in my family, was married with children. And my family was huge. Not only were all my sibs, except Sheree, married with at least two kids apiece—all my cousins were married with children. Cousins much younger than me were bringing their husbands and young kids. Younger cousins I used to babysit. Whose diapers I had changed.

  And my old uncles had no sensitivity whatsoever. I cringed remembering the conversation at the family barbeque in my grandmother’s huge backyard out in the suburbs of Houston.

  “Well now, gal, whatcha waitin’ on? Seems to me like you oughta be tryin’ to find some nice fella to settle down and start a family with. Had a perfectly good one, but you got rid of him. Although I guess he wasn’t perfectly good if he didn’t give you no babies.” Uncle Charlie chewed on his signature toothpick. Ironic, seeing he had very few teeth left.

  “Charlie, you may not can blame that fella for that. Mighta been her. She probably told him she wanted to wait.” Uncle Billy sat across from me at the large picnic table. His wide frame took up almost the whole bench.

  Uncle Charlie waved away mosquitoes in the hot July air. “I know it don’t make no sense for her to be gettin’ up in years and she ain’t got no man and no chilluns. Ain’t natural. What you gon’ do, gal? You gon’ find you a man soon and have some babies?”

  Uncle Billy used a washrag to wipe off the ever-present sweat beads on his forehead. “Leave that girl alone, Charlie. Maybe she jus’ different from the rest of the family.”

  “Different?” Uncle Charlie’s mouth fell open, revealing too much of his toothless gums. “What you mean? Funny? You ain’t funny, is you, girl? Is that why you moved to Atlanta?”

  “Charlie, I told you to leave that girl alone. If she is funny, she ain’t gon’ tell you. Leave her be.” Uncle Billy leaned in and peered at me over the top of his glasses. “Is you funny? You can tell me.” He whispered like it would be our little secret. Cut his eyes at Uncle Charlie to let me know I didn’t need to worry about him.

  “No, sir, Uncle Billy. I ain’t funny.” I tried to work up a real smile. What I really wanted to do was cuss them both out and tell them to mind their business.

  I looked down the table at my grandmother. She didn’t play that. Adults were to be respected and revered. No matter how ignorant they were or what came out their mouths. “I’m sure when God sends the right man, I’ll settle down, get married and have some kids.”

  I looked around for my father. He would save me from the evil uncles. My eyes finally rested on him at a table across the yard with a card slapped on his forehead, talking trash at a spades game.

  I excused myself, ran to the house, and up to my grandmother’s bedroom. After crying my eyes out on her huge antique bed for a while, I looked around the room at all her family pictures from over the years. My family prided itself on its rich heritage. We could trace ourselves back to slavery.

  The highlight of the family reunion would come later when we would all gather around my grandmother for her to tell stories about where we came from. About where our great-great-great grandfather came from in Africa. She would look at each of us, from every generation and stress to us the importance of keeping the family going. That long after she was gone, we should continue to gather every year. To love and support one another. To tell our children and children’s children about the importance of love and family.

  I would sit close to my daddy while the rest of my brothers and sisters were spread out across the yard with their children sitting close to them. Making sure they took in the stories. Took in my grandmother and her strength.

  “So, ’Chelle, you’ll do it?” Sheree’s breathless excitement pulled me back into the conversation.

  “Huh?” Oh, dear. What did she just ask me to do? Please, God, not another bridesmaid’s dress . . .

  “Be in the wedding? Have you heard a word I’ve said?”

  “Of course, babydoll. You shouldn’t even have to ask that. You know I’ll be right there.” My heart was bleeding. I had to get off the phone. “I am so happy for you, babydoll. I’m glad you guys called me. Tomorrow, I’ll call and we’ll talk more about it and make plans and all. Right now, I have a shoot to get ready—”

  “Wait,” my mother interrupted me. “Don’t you want to hear the rest of the news?”

  “There’s more?” I tried to sound as excited as possible. I looked up at the ceiling to let God know I couldn’t take one more thing.

  “I’m pregnant.” This time it was Valerie’s turn to bubble over with excitement.

  “Oh, my goodness. This is too much.” Really. It was too much. “Wow. When did you find out? How far along are you?”

  I tried to remember all the questions I was supposed to ask. Luckily, Valerie was so excited that I didn’t have to ask much more. She babbled on about morning sickness and being about seven weeks and praying that this one was a girl so she could close up shop. She and her husband already had three boys, and he seemed determined to keep trying until he had a daughter.

  “That is so wonderful, Val. I’m sure it’s gonna be a girl this time. If not, just dress him in pink and ponytails and tell Terrence you ain’t having no more.”

  Everybody laughed at my joke long enough to give me a chance to think of a few more loving sisterly things to say to the both of them before I made another attempt to get off the phone. Mom had been quiet, but I knew all this news was the perfect opportunity for her to launch into me.

  “Well, now, Michelle. It’s your turn next, huh? Pretty soon, we’ll be hearing from you about getting married and then not long after that, you’ll be telling us about a baby. Right?”

  My mother was almost begging. You would think with all the sons- and daughters-in-law and grandchildren she had, she would be satisfied and leave me alone. I knew it was just her wanting the best for me. That’s what I told myself to keep from getting upset whenever this conversation came up.

  “Hopefully, Mom. Long as you keep praying for me, right?”

  “Oh, I’m praying, but you gotta do your part. Get out of the house. Stop working so much. Go out to where you can meet people. And don’t be so picky.”

  “Momma, please.”

  I didn’t even have to say it. Both Valerie and Sheree came to my rescue.

  “Leave her alone. In God’s time. Okay?”

  Sheree was considered an old maid for waiting until she was twenty-six to get married. I was sure she had started to endure some of the same badgering I got all the time.

  “I’m sorry, baby. I want the best for you. Babydoll is right. In God’s time. Well, I guess we better let you get to your shoot. We’ll talk to you more tomorrow? I know you been busy, but we miss you so much.”

  “Yeah, Momma. I’ll call tomorrow.”

  After saying goodbye, I sat on the side of the bed, staring at the wall for a while. Babydoll was getting married. Valerie was pre
gnant with her fourth child. There was no escaping the family reunion this year. And the crazy uncles.

  As seemed to be my custom lately, I burst into tears and rolled onto the floor next to my bed. I wasn’t even hormonal. What kind of sister was I? To cry at such awesome news. To be jealous and wish it was me.

  I pulled myself up and went over to my closet. After plowing through stacks of dirty laundry, I got to the back and pulled out my hope chest. Once inside, I retrieved the family album Aunt Ladybird had provided for every member of the family. It was filled with pictures of my grandmother, all the aunts and uncles, all their children and everyone’s children’s children. I turned to the back and pulled out the family tree her daughter, Bunny, had tirelessly worked on.

  I looked at each family. A branch between every husband and wife and then a branch downward for their children. I looked at my parents’ names joined together, with me and my brothers’ and sisters’ names branching out of it. I looked at each of my brothers and sisters with their branches joining them to their spouse and branching downward to their children. Me and Sheree’s names were the only ones with no branches. And, come July, Sheree would have her own branch.

  I would be the last one. Branchless . . .

  I got up off the floor and marched, with determination, into my office. I plundered through a large stack of papers, unopened mail, and file folders from work on my desk until I found it.

  Isaiah’s press kit. I turned it over in my hands a couple of times. Should I do it? One thought of the crazy uncles taking potshots at me during Sheree’s wedding was all I needed. That and the possibility of remaining forever branchless.

  I took out my cell phone and dialed his number. He sounded sleepy when he answered the phone. I didn’t care. I had to do it while I had the nerve.

  “Isaiah, it’s Michelle. I was wondering if you wanted to go out tonight.”

  twenty-three

  It took Isaiah a second to answer my question. I didn’t know if he was asleep, or shocked by me asking him out. After he got himself together, he said he wanted to plan something special and would call me back later. Of course, I couldn’t sleep until he called me back.

  When he did, he told me to dress cute and comfortable.

  I spent the next couple of hours in the bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to guess where he would be taking me.

  Since I insisted on driving my own car rather than letting him pick me up, he called me half an hour before the date and told me to meet him at Piedmont Park.

  Sounded cool. A date in the park. I dressed in pink Capri pants, a white cotton tee, and some Keds. It was a nice day outside, but I grabbed a blue jean jacket in case it got cool later.

  When I walked up to our meeting point, he was there waiting, leaning against a Hummer. His body was made for the jeans he was wearing. He had on one of his signature slogan T-shirts that said, “No Worries. God Reigns.” He gave me a shy smile and a hug. He smelled too good. He had changed up from the African musk to some other musky scent. I lingered in his arms a few seconds too long.

  “Hey,” he said into my ear before he let me go.

  “Hey, back.” I pulled away from him before I wouldn’t want to.

  He nodded toward a large tree down by the lake, gesturing for me to follow. When we got to the other side of it, I could see where he had spread out a blanket and had a large picnic basket.

  “I know. Kinda corny and cliché, huh? The whole picnic in the park thing?” he said.

  “Not at all. It’s sweet. I love being outside and love water. It’s perfect.” I took a seat on a large cushion he had placed on the blanket. I appreciated his thoughtfulness. After ten minutes of sitting on the hard ground, my butt would have started hurting.

  He opened the basket and took out fruit, cheese, crackers, and juice. “Hope you’re not too hungry. If you are, we can go for dinner after we leave here.”

  “I’m good. This should be fine.” My stomach was too fluttery to eat much anyway.

  He picked up a pear and lay down on his stomach, kicking off his sandals and stretching out his legs. “So, you know everything there is to know about me. Now it’s my turn to interview you.”

  “Interview me?” I gave him a flirty smile.

  “Yeah. I need to find out all your deepest, darkest secrets.”

  I giggled. “Whatever. And I don’t know everything there is to know about you. Just enough for the show. There’s a lot more I need to know about you if—”

  He raised his eyebrows. “If what?”

  “If . . .” I bit my lip. “If I’m going to risk losing my job to hang out with you.”

  His face broke into a smile. “Okay, that’s fair. I’ll give you the rundown.” He sat up across from me and crossed his legs, Indian style. He pulled his locks behind his back. I was sure they had to be hot. “I’m thirty-four years old, never been married, no children. No crazy ex-girlfriends that you’d have to worry about stalking you or keying your car.”

  “Why are you still single?” I scooted my cushion back close to the tree so I could lean against it.

  He shrugged and took a big bite of the pear. “God hasn’t sent the right one. I’m looking for someone completely submitted to God. I think two people have a better chance in a relationship if they’re both completely sold out to Christ—dead to ourselves, allowing His Spirit to reign in us.”

  His words sounded familiar.

  He continued, “I guess my lifestyle may have something to do with it, too. I’m a free spirit led by God’s Spirit, and I go wherever I feel His wind blowing me. That really doesn’t work for a relationship.”

  “What do you mean?” I turned around and studied the tree trunk to make sure there were no bugs in sight. I didn’t need anything crawling into my afro.

  “Like I said, I’m free. I’m not materialistic at all, and I’m not really attached to anything earthly or worldly. When I meet the right one, I’m going to have to make a lot of changes. It would be big changes, but I’m believing she’ll be worth it.”

  “Not materialistic? Just believe in living large, huh?”

  He frowned. “What do you mean?”

  I was just about to mention his house and car when my cell phone rang. I was set to ignore it until I saw Jason’s name.

  “Let me get this real quick.” I stood and walked over to a nearby tree and answered the phone.

  Jason was at the office editing and had run into a couple of glitches with the audio. I talked him through the problem and then hung up.

  “Sorry about that. It was Jason.” I made myself comfortable on the cushion again. “He’s editing a show and needed some help.”

  “Yeah. Sure.” Isaiah finished off his pear and threw the core into the lake.

  “What do you mean by that?”

  “Did he know you were going out with me today?”

  “Of course not.” I reached over to the picnic basket and picked up a huge bunch of red grapes. “Why do you ask that?”

  “Because if he knows you’re with me, that won’t be the only phone call.”

  “Isaiah, what are you talking about?” I bit into a grape. It was a perfect blend of sweet and tangy.

  Isaiah took a cup out of the basket and poured some juice. “Jason likes you.”

  “What in the world?” I swatted away a fly that was trying to share my grapes. “What are you talking about?”

  “Come on. You know he likes you.” He handed me the cup of juice and poured himself another. “I thought you guys were dating, until you told me about your not-dating-where-you-work policy.”

  “You thought me and Jason were dating? Why?”

  “Because of the way you guys were vibing during the audition. Because of how protective he is of you. He’ll barely let me anywhere near you for more than five minutes.”

  “Please, Isaiah. You’re reading into stuff. He’s just running the shoot.”

  He shook his head. “He likes you. Guys know.”

  “We’ve work
ed closely together for the past couple of years. That’s all.”

  “Okay. Just think about it and watch.” He took a sip of juice and pulled out the crackers and cheese. “Anyway, it’s my turn to ask questions.”

  “Okay. Ask whatever you want, but I reserve the right not to answer.”

  He raised his eyebrows. “A woman with secrets. I love it.”

  I laughed.

  “So why are you still single? I can’t believe ain’t nobody snatched you up by now.”

  I took a sip of juice. It tasted like passion fruit or something. “I was married for eleven years. Divorced about three years ago.” I hope he didn’t ask too many questions. I didn’t feel like talking about my ex right now.

  “If you don’t mind me asking, what happened? That’s a long time to be married.”

  I shrugged. “Short version? We got married young. We both had big dreams and goals for our lives, individually and together. After a while, it became clear that mine were real goals and his were dreams that would always continue to be dreams. He kept hopping from idea to idea, never saw anything through, and never achieved any real measure of success. Other bad things happened at the end . . .” Hopefully he wouldn’t press me for more details.

  “And since then, you haven’t found anyone?”

  “I only recently started dating again. I’ve been through some crazy stuff out there. Enough to make me want to stay single.”

  Isaiah stared into my eyes. “No, you don’t want to stay single. You have too much love inside you to give away to stay single. And you need to be loved and covered. You deserve that. And you have to have some babies. You’re not one of those women who’s going to end up alone.”

  I looked down at the ground. He had a way of reading me that was unnerving.

  He placed a few pieces of cheese and crackers on a small plate and slid it over to me. “So, what’s your ultimate? Your goals, your dreams?”