The List

by Sherri L. Lewis

  “Plus, it’s a matter of destiny.” I finished the magazine I was flipping through and reached for another. “You should have seen the passion in his face when he talked about his missionary work in Africa. I can’t ask him to give that up. It’s clear that’s what he was born to do. My destiny is expressing the Kingdom through television. If I married him, either I’d have to give that up for him to drag me all over Africa, or he’d have to give up his destiny and probably lose his mind staying in one place—in a nation he’s not called to. I believe that when God brings my husband, our destinies will line up perfectly. In fact, they should be so intertwined that when we come together, our marriage will help us both reach destiny together.”

  “Speaking of, what’s up with Jason?” Lisa held up a picture of a bridesmaid dress for us to see.

  “Yuck,” I said. “Too much lace and frills. Looks country. And what do you mean, speaking of?”

  “Speaking of destinies lining up perfectly together so you can take over film and television for the Kingdom. You and Jason’s destinies match perfectly. What’s going on with you two?”

  “Nothing. There is no us two. We’re still co-workers. And with me getting this promotion and being right up under Ms. Carter, there’s no way.”

  “Okay. If you say so.” Lisa pressed her lips together like she wanted to tell me something but didn’t think I’d listen.

  “So what’s up with your love life, Lisa?” I had to change the subject. I didn’t need to be thinking about Jason like that. I had done a good job of keeping my feelings for him under wraps lately. “We haven’t had a good story from you in a long time. No dates?”

  Lisa flipped through a few pages in the magazine. She finally got up and walked over to Angela’s cabinet and pulled out a package of Oreo cookies.

  “Oh, my. That bad?” Nicole asked.

  Lisa nodded and stuffed a whole cookie into her mouth. She opened the refrigerator and pulled out some milk. She held up the carton to ask if anyone wanted to join her for cookies and milk.

  I nodded. Chocolate might help fill the Isaiah-size hole in my soul right about now.

  Vanessa shook her head. “No, thanks. I’m actually pretty happy right now.”

  Nicole said,

  “I’m happy too, but I’ll never pass up Oreos. Bring it on.”

  Lisa brought over glasses for everyone except Vanessa and set the package of cookies in the middle of the table.

  “My love life is non-existent. I feel like I’m doomed. Like it’s gonna be that way forever.” Lisa poured glasses of milk for each of us. She opened a cookie, licked off the cream and dipped each half in her milk. “Maybe I’m not supposed to get married. You think God wants me to stay single?”

  Vanessa pushed the cookies out of Angela’s reach as she was trying to grab one and handed her an apple from the fruit bowl on the table. “I wouldn’t say that. I think if you have a desire to be married, then it’s pretty safe to say that God doesn’t want you single. He’s a loving God and wouldn’t torture you with a desire He doesn’t plan to fill.”

  “Then why can’t I find anybody?” Lisa whined.

  “You might want to look at that ten-page list of yours.” Nicole smirked. “You’re looking for someone who doesn’t exist. I think when you let that go and come back to the real world, God will be able to send you somebody.”

  “So, you’re saying I have to settle?” Lisa pushed a whole cookie into her mouth and took a swig of milk.

  “I’m just saying no man is as perfect as the man you’ve created on that monstrous list of yours. You’re not even that perfect.” Nicole gave Lisa a worried glance and pulled the cookies away from her.

  “Why do you think your list is that long and . . . unrealistic?” Vanessa asked.

  “Oh, dear. Are you about to psychoanalyze me? Should I get on the couch?”

  “No. I just think it’s worth looking at,” Vanessa answered. “You’re upset because God isn’t sending you anyone, but yet you have this list that pretty much makes it impossible for Him to send you someone. You have to ask yourself why.”

  Lisa reached for the Oreos again. She pulled out a cookie and munched on it with tiny bites. “I’ve been in some bad relationships in the past. I’ve had my heart broken more times than I can imagine. And I don’t want to ever go through that again. So, I figure if I pick the right guy, that won’t happen. And to pick the right guy, I need to list all the qualities he needs to have and all the qualities he absolutely can’t have. If I settle, I’m liable to get my heart broken again, or end up in some dead-end relationship.”

  “Yeah, but with the list you have, you’re never going to end up in a relationship at all. Guaranteed,” Nicole said.

  “I have faith that God can send me everything on my list. I believe my perfect guy is out there.” Lisa shrugged.

  Me, Nicole, and Vanessa shook our heads.

  “Maybe you should do what I did.” Angela cut a slice of her apple. “Tell God you’re not sure what you want, but you trust that He knows what you need and to send you His very best.”

  We all turned to look at Angela.

  “That’s what you did?” Lisa asked. “You didn’t have a list?”

  “Nope. And Gary is beyond what I could have ever asked for. Which explains me not being able to keep my hands off him.” Angela giggled.

  We all laughed with her. It was good to see her able to joke about her situation.

  “Humph. That’s a dangerous prayer,” Lisa said. “But if it’ll have me married and pregnant in less than a year, maybe I should try it.”

  Angela’s mouth fell open, and she turned bright red. “Ha, ha, ha, Lisa.”

  “If you pray that prayer, make sure you ask God to help you keep the reins on the nine years of pent-up passion in your loins,” Nicole said.

  “Okay, that’s enough jokes at my expense,” Angela said, flipping absently through another magazine. “I know you guys are jealous. You all secretly want to be accidentally pregnant, planning your shotgun wedding.”

  We all laughed.

  “Oooh, look at this one. It’s perfect.” Angela tore out and held up a picture of a beautiful wedding gown with a princess cut, elegant lace at the sleeves and hem. We all oohed and aahed.

  “It’s perfect, Angie. You’re going to be such a beautiful bride. I’m so happy for you.” Lisa leaned over and hugged Angela. They held on to each other for a few moments.

  “I’m going to miss you guys so much. I can’t believe I’m going to be so far from you.”

  Angela had decided to move to Augusta. It would be much easier for her to find a job at the Medical College of Georgia and to sell her house here than for Gary to find a job and sell his house.

  “Girl, two hours ain’t no distance. We’ll be up and down the road every other weekend,” Lisa said.

  “Plus, you’re about to get married and have a baby,” Nicole said. “You ain’t gon’ be thinking about us.”

  Angela shook her head. “No way. You guys mean everything to me. I’ve never had friends like you. If it weren’t for you all, I’d still be on the couch surrounded by snotty tissue, about to lose my job. And now . . .” Angela held up the picture of the wedding gown she chose. “I’m happy again. About to have a dream wedding to marry the man of my dreams, and we’re gonna start a beautiful family together.”

  “Awww.” Lisa motioned for us all to get up and surroundAngela . “Group hug.”

  We all hugged Angela and each other until Nicole finally said, “Okay, enough mushy stuff. You guys know I can only take so much.”

  We all laughed.

  As I drove home that evening, I thought about Angela—giggling and glowing again. Even though it wasn’t under ideal circumstances, she was about to be living my dream. Married with child.

  I decided to pray her prayer. Okay, God, I relinquish my right to choose. I give up my list. You know exactly what I need. Send me your best. I paused for a second and added, Soon, God. Soon . . .

&n
bsp; thirty

  Over the next few weeks, I barely had time to think about being desperate and lonely. Or about the wonderful man I was trusting God to send. Work consumed my entire life. Me, my faithful assistant and camera crew traveled all over metro Atlanta, filming B-roll of artists in their creative places. We had some real cool settings—a courtyard on top of a building with a great view of the Atlanta skyline, a flower garden in the Arboretum, Piedmont Park by the lake.

  We also spent hours in the inner city—some of the worst neighborhoods—shooting gritty scenes of our destiny kids. In their homes, schools, and places they liked to hang out, where kids their age had no business being.

  Jason went with us on a few shoots, and I got to see his true talent. He was amazing as a director and knew how to handle the camera better than our seasoned cameraman. He had an eye for setting up shots that were unique and creative. After reviewing the footage he shot, I convinced him he needed to go on all the shoots with me because his scenes had extra flavor that was artistic and eclectic.

  Which was great for the shows, but not so great for my aching heart. The more we worked together, spending hours and hours doing what we loved, the more desperate and lonely I felt.

  Seeing him work out in the field made him come alive. It was one thing to see him sitting at a computer for hours in the edit suite, but behind a camera setting up a perfect shot—staging camera angles and getting the lights just perfect; knowing exactly what time of day the sun would be just right; knowing what colors would work best in what lighting—he was brilliant.

  Jason was the right blend of authoritative, yet considerate on the shoots. Everybody liked and respected him. He worked well with our destiny kids, even when they drove me crazy. He knew how to talk to the young guys, and I knew all our girls secretly had a crush on him.

  I kept realizing more and more that he was everything on my list and then some. I couldn’t shake the image of him and his daughters. They say you can tell a lot about a man by how he treats his momma. I say you can tell even more by the way he cares for his children.

  The more I saw of Jason, the further I sank. I tried to tell myself it was because of losing Isaiah, but I knew I’d been drooling over Jason long before Isaiah came and went.

  And to make matters worse, after we finished shooting, I had weeks in the edit suite to look forward to—just the two of us—for hours on end. Talking, laughing, creating . . .

  It was going to be torture.

  For the first week, I tried to keep everything serious. He kept finding ways to make me let my guard down. I’d start off all businesslike, and before I knew it, he had me laughing my head off. We took breaks and had long conversations about everything. Spirituality, music, movies, our ideas for documentaries and television shows, and anything else we could think of.

  Even though we were having fun, both of us seemed driven to get the shows done, so we worked long hours, often late into the evening.

  Jason’s mom was visiting for a whole month, so she’d pick up the girls from school, and get them fed and bathed. Jason left in time to spend “Daddy time” with them, then tuck them into bed.

  I felt guilty for keeping him from his girls and his mother, but he said whenever his mom was around, the three of them ignored him anyway. He insisted we get as much done as we could while she was in town because he wouldn’t be able to keep those hours when she left. I told him we had plenty of time even without working the long hours, but he seemed more pressed than me to get the shows finished. When I asked him why, he said it was best to stay ahead of schedule because you never know what might happen.

  After his mom left, we went back to regular hours. When it was time for Jason to leave every evening, we both lingered in my office or in the edit suite until the last possible moment. If the girls stayed too late in after-care, he got charged by the minute, so by 5:15 every day, he grabbed all his stuff and went racing out of the office.

  One day, at about 5:00, while we were in the middle of editing a shoot, Jason kept looking up at the clock. I finally said, “You should go. We’ll finish this tomorrow.”

  “I hate stopping when I’m in a good flow. I think I’m gonna take the tape with me and finish it at home tonight.”

  “How?”

  He started shutting down the system. “I recently set up my own edit suite at home. I’ve done a lot of freelancing over the past six months. Do you mind if I finish this tonight?”

  “I guess not. If you run into any problems, you can call me and I’ll try to give whatever input I can over the phone.”

  “Okay. Or . . .” He pulled the tape out of the deck. “You could stop by, and we can finish it together. If you don’t mind. I mean, if you don’t have anything else to do. I mean, if that’s okay with you. I mean, not that you don’t have anything else to do. But I mean, if you want to.” He shoved the tape in his book bag and stood there waiting for me to answer.

  I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks. He’s inviting you over for work, Michelle, not out on a date. Chill. “Umm, okay. I don’t have anything to do. I mean, of course, I have stuff to do, but it would be good to get this done. I mean, since we were in such a good flow and everything. I mean, yeah—we can work on stuff tonight.”

  He nodded. “Okay, cool. I mean, cool that we can get this finished. You know, because it would be good to go ahead and get it done.”

  “Okay,” I said.

  “Okay,” he said.

  We stood there looking at each other like we weren’t sure what we were supposed to do next.

  I’m sure God was looking down at both of us, shaking His head. He’d elbow Jesus and ask, “What’s wrong with these two goofballs?”

  Jesus would shrug and shake His head in agreement with God that we were absolutely pitiful.

  I finally looked up at the clock. “You better go.”

  “Huh?” He gave me a blank stare.

  “The girls?”

  He shook his head quickly. “Oh, yeah. The girls. Yeah. I better go get them.”

  He headed toward the door of the edit suite. “I’ll text you directions. Give me about an hour to get them settled and get dinner on. You should have dinner with us. I mean, if you want to. I mean, you don’t have to, but since I’m cooking and all, you might as well. I mean, you know . . .”

  “Sounds good, Jason. I’ll be there in about an hour.”

  He smiled and started down the hall. He called out to me, “Okay, see you in about an hour. Come hungry.”

  Of course, it wasn’t ten seconds before Erika flew into the edit suite. “He’ll see you in about an hour? What’s that all about?” Her eyes were wide with excitement.

  “I really think you do have bugs set up everywhere in this building.” I reached a hand under the table in the edit suite, pretending to be checking for bugs.

  “Come hungry? Are you and Jason going out to dinner?” Erika looked like she was going to pounce on me if I didn’t give her some answers.

  I started down the hall to my office. She was close behind. “Michelle, stop playing. What’s going on with you and Jason?”

  I grabbed her arm and pulled her into my office, looked both ways and shut the door. “Are you crazy? Why did you say that all loud in front of everybody?”

  “Girl, ain’t nobody paying me no attention. My gossip sources are out in the field or out sick today. Nobody else cares. And, besides, if you woulda told me, I wouldn’t have to be all loud about it. Are you going to dinner with Jason? He finally asked you out on a date? I knew it. Just a matter of time.”

  “We’re not going on a date. I’m going over his house so we can finish editing the show we were working on. He’s cooking dinner for the girls and said I might as well eat with them. That’s all. Don’t be making something out of nothing.”

  Erika’s shoulders slumped and she looked a little deflated. “Is that all? I thought something was finally happening between the two of you.”

  “Sorry not to have any new gossip for you,
girlfriend. It’s just work.”

  “Wait a minute.” Her eyes lit back up. “He invited you to his house? Around his girls? That’s a big deal. You might not realize it, but Jason is really saying something with that.”

  I started packing my bag with a couple of scripts and some snacks, just in case Jason wasn’t a good cook like Lisa had predicted. “Girl, please. Like I said, don’t be making something out of nothing. I’ve met his girls before. At church. It’s not a big deal. In fact, if he doesn’t mind me being around them, it means he doesn’t like me like that. He wouldn’t bring me around his children if he thought about me that way.” My stomach sank as I realized the truth of what I’d said.

  What started as an excuse to get Erika off my case slammed me in the face. Jason must not think of me as more than a friend, if he didn’t mind me being around his girls. He was the kind of father that wouldn’t introduce his girls to a love interest until he was near ’bout ready to propose.

  I had been reading the signs wrong. The flirty conversations in the edit suite all those late evenings. The admiring look in his eyes when we were on a shoot together. The constant touchy-feelyness when he thought I needed comfort or encouragement. He was just being friendly.

  And the dinner invite tonight? He only wanted to get the show done.

  My movements got slower as I pushed a few final things into my bag. Maybe I should call and cancel. I was silly to think Jason liked me. He only thought of me as a co-worker and a friend.

  I probably wasn’t his type. I remembered a picture of him and Latrice on his desk when he first transferred to our department. She was red-boned with long, permed hair and a gorgeous face. In the picture, she was facing forward, but her body was sideways. She was petite in every way, except she had a huge black-girl butt, accentuated by a tiny waistline. She was even prettier and shapelier than Nicole. And she was dressed all prissy in a suit, stockings, and heels.

  Why would I think he would be attracted to me? Brown-skinned, nappy afro, and dressing like a Bohemian every day.

  “Whatever, Michelle.”