The Trouble with Squids

by Julie Gardner Berry

  “Long before your petty scientists appeared, long before insignificant mankind crawled out from its puddle, millions of years before dinosaurs tottered around on dry mud, mighty creatures ruled the seas,” she said, still in her creepy whisper. Her eyes bulged like golf balls. “The mightiest of all the sea creatures—the one that has survived through the years and still dominates the seas—does anyone know what that is?”

  Mugsy raised a quavering hand. “Um . . . the killer whale?”

  Professor Eelpot turned her stare on him. “No, you dim-witted sea urchin,” she purred. “I am not talking about pathetic whales.”

  She snapped her jaws. Then she whacked the tip of her pointer on the mural. “Here’s the mighty great white. Here’s the handsome hammerhead. And here.” She pointed to a picture of a truly gigantic shark. “This big beauty, the Megalodon, is the largest shark that ever lived and one of the largest fish that ever existed. It could grow to be sixty-seven or more feet long. Its jaws were large enough to devour whales.” She paused and shivered with delight. “What a delicious thought. Those arrogant mammals, honking and bobbing to the surface like corks . . .”

  The boys stared at her.

  “This feisty shark, the Cretoxyrhina, wasn’t quite as large as the Megalodon, but it was much larger than today’s great whites, at twenty-five feet or more in length. It’s nicknamed the Ginsu shark, just like the famous kitchen knives, for how it slices and dices its prey. It shredded great tuna and swordfish and sailfish into juicy, tangy, bloody strips and gobbled them down. Ahh!” She sighed and licked her lips.

  Professor Eelpot opened a drawer and pulled out a set of Ginsu knives. Then she opened a rubber tub full of foul-smelling somethings. The stink made Cody want to gag. “We’re going to do some slicing and dicing of our own today to learn more about life in the sea, starting toward the bottom of the food chain.” She gestured toward Ratface. “You. Come up here.”

  Ratface trotted to the front of the room.

  “You’ve chosen a sea slug,” Professor Eelpot whispered. “They go so beautifully with garlic sauce. You’ll enjoy cutting him open and ripping his guts out.”

  Ratface’s eyes rolled back in his head. He staggered back to his seat.

  “Next?” Professor Eelpot said.

  Mugsy came forward and also pulled a sea slug from the nasty pot. He sniffed it over and over the way a dog sniffs a dead squirrel before eating it.

  Professor Eelpot licked her lips. “You have good taste, young man,” she said. “Sea slugs go so nicely in a casserole,” she said. “Next?”

  When it came time for Sully’s turn, Cody got a disgusting sea creature for him. Cody knew Sully wouldn’t speak aloud in front of Professor Eelpot, but he was pretty sure his brainiac friend would much rather read about sea creatures than chop them open.

  He poked at his own sea anemone. Cody Mack wasn’t afraid of much, but he felt he’d really rather not do this. Not today, anyway.

  “This is how you begin,” Professor Eelpot began, slicing a long gash through her sea worm with a knife. “Mmmm. I got a plump, juicy one.”

  Yuck!

  The lunch bell rang. Saved by the bell!

  Professor Eelpot’s mouth curved down into a frown. “Seal your specimens in these plastic bags and wash up,” she said. “We’ll resume our dissection tomorrow.” And with that, she disappeared into her office adjoining the classroom and shut the door.

  Gagging and pinching their noses, the boys put away their sea creatures, then washed the nasty formaldehyde chemical smell off their hands.

  “Ordinarily I don’t believe in washing up before lunch,” Ratface declared, “but those sea slime things are vile. Blech!”

  Mugsy only shrugged.

  “We’ve got to get out of this prison,” Victor said. “It’s scrambling all our heads.”

  Carlos rinsed a mountain of soap bubbles off his hands and watched it swirl down the drain. “Water is the only thing that knows how to get out of this place,” he observed.

  “What’d you just say, ’Los?” Sully asked.

  “Oh, nothing. I said, water is the only thing that has a way out of Splurch Academy.”

  Cody and Sully looked at each other. Cody knew they were both thinking the same thing.

  “Then that means,” Cody said, “all we need to do to bust out is follow the water. If it can get out, so can we.”

  CHAPTER SIX

  THE PIPES

  Lunch was halfway normal food for once—hot dogs and tater tots. The hot dogs looked sort of green, but when Cody covered them with enough ketchup, he hardly noticed.

  “Your lucky day, huh, Mugs?” Cody said. “Here’s the ketchup for you. I know you’ll probably want a whole bottle for yourself.”

  Mugsy wrinkled his nose. “Nah,” he said. “I’m not in the mood for any of this stuff. Hey, look. Griselda’s out in the hallway. Make sure she stays there. I’m going to go raid the pantry and see if there’s something I like better.”

  “What’s come over Mugsy?” Ratface said. “I can’t believe he’d pass up ketchup!”

  “Maybe he’s sick,” Carlos said.

  “Did you notice how strange he was acting in science class?” Sully said.

  Victor shivered. “The strange one in science class was that Eelpot lady. I didn’t think anything at Splurch Academy could surprise me anymore, but she gives me the creeps.”

  Mugsy returned with his arms loaded down with cans and a can opener. “Look at this incredible stuff I got,” he said. He cranked them open with his can opener, then dumped the contents right in his mouth. “Oysters,” he said. “And salmon.” Gulp. “And lots and lots of sardines!”

  They all sat still as Farley passed slowly by their table. They pretended not to notice he was there. But Cody saw Farley’s eyes pass over the lunch table and linger on Mugsy’s cans of fish. A small smile passed his lips. Then he moved on, handing Nurse Bilgewater a bag full of water and some vague, squishy-looking thing inside.

  “You know what to do,” Dr. Farley said. Nurse Bilgewater nodded. Then when Farley was out of sight, she smiled, beaming at the contents of the bag like it held fluffy kitties. She hurried off to her infirmary.

  “Oog, let’s get out of here,” Cody said. “I’m not hungry anymore.”

  They headed down the hall toward their classroom, passing by the infirmary on the way. Sully tugged on Cody’s sleeve and pointed. There was Nurse Bilgewater, opening a sewer valve in a large pipe that ran along the infirmary wall. She scooped something out of her aquarium with a lemonade pitcher and dumped it into the opening.

  The boys ducked out of sight before she could look up and catch them spying on her.

  “What does it all mean?” Carlos asked.

  “Who was she talking to?” Sully added.

  Cody thumped his fist in his palm. “There’s only one way to find out. C’mon. We have time. Let’s take a quick trip down to the sewers and see if we can find out.”

  They checked both ways to make sure no teachers were watching them, then hurried down the cellar stairs to the sewer entry gate. They ducked through and made their way along the ledge that jutted out over the nasty sewer water.

  But not Mugsy. He waded right through the sewer water, frolicking and splashing and making goofy, happy faces.

  They hoisted him by the shoulders out of the water and dragged him along with them. But he kept trying to go back in. What was the matter with him? Cody was worried about his friend. But even if something was wrong, what could Cody do? He couldn’t stop his friend from acting strangely.

  They reached the end of the river of sewage. A grate of thick, metal bars blocked the way. Water could flow through, but there was no way a boy, even a small one, could escape through those heavy, iron bars.

  “Even the sewer’s a prison,” Victor muttered.

  “We could saw these bars open,” Ratface said. “I’ve got a nail file we could try.”

  “That’d take a lifetime,” Sully said. “
Even with real tools it would take forever.”

  “Never mind,” Carlos told them. “I’ll just get back to work on my communicator device. That’s the best way to get out of here—to send a message home and have our parents come get us. It’s the middle of winter. If we bust out now, we’d freeze to death before we got far.”

  Sully tapped his forehead. “There’s something we’re forgetting,” he said. “Remember what Nurse Bilgewater said to the things in the pitcher? She said she’d come visit them soon. And she said that whatever they were would have friends to play with.”

  “So?” Ratface said. “So what?”

  “So,” Sully replied, “She’s not dumping whatever it is into the sewers. I think she’s dumping something into some other place.”

  “And if she’s going to visit it soon,” Cody said, “the only way to figure out where she’s dumping stuff is to follow her there.”

  “Maybe,” Victor said. “But will it lead to a way out of here?”

  They hurried back to class and sat through another afternoon of Fronk’s tentacles writing assignments on the chalkboard. They had to do actual math problems that day. It was horrible.

  When classes broke for dinner, the boys shuffled out the classroom door.

  “Anybody want tuna fish for supper?” Mugsy asked.

  “Quiet, fish face,” Victor said. “What’s with you?”

  “What I want to know is why is Bilgewater keeping creatures she’s not supposed to against Farley’s wishes?” Cody asked. “And why does Dr. Farley want her to get rid of them?”

  “And there are apparently lots of them,” Sully added. Then he paused. They heard a creaking sound and footsteps coming down the hall. “Someone’s coming. It’s Bilgewater.”

  “C’mon,” Ratface whispered. “Let’s get to the bottom of this. Let’s spy on her.”

  “She’ll fish-fry us if she catches us,” Sully warned.

  “Nah,” Cody said. “Don’t be scared.”

  They hid against a dark wall where they could spy on her.

  Bilgewater came into view, pushing her wheelbarrow down the hall. Something large and wet and dark was inside the wheelbarrow, with long, curling arms reaching up and out of it, reaching for her hat, her collar . . .

  Seconds later, they heard a loud splash. Cody noticed a warm, damp, fishy smell wafting down the hall. Nurse Bilgewater reappeared, pushing an empty wheelbarrow.

  “Bye-bye, tootsie,” Bilgewater called over her shoulder. “I’ll come feed you more tonight.”

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  THE POOL

  “An underground water tank! That’s what it has to be,” Cody told Carlos that night in their freezing cold dorm room. “We’ve got to get down there.”

  Snow lashed against the windows. Drifts had blown under the stable doors. A glass of water Mugsy had left by his stall the night before was frozen solid.

  Carlos was busy wiring his communicator gizmo from the smashed-up guts of Fronk’s cell phone. He’d swiped a soldering gun from Professor Eelpot’s lab and a roll of lead solder, which he was melting onto the circuit boards. Cody watched him work.

  “How’re you coming on your walkietalkie-cell-phone thingy, Carlos?” Victor asked. “Is it ready to call for help?”

  “Close,” Carlos said. “Tomorrow I’ll borrow some batteries from the science room, and then we’ll see.”

  “BOYS TALKING AFTER HOURS WILL BE FED TO PAVLOV,” came Miss Threadbare’s screechy voice over the intercom. “GO TO SLEEP IF YOU KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR YOU.”

  Cody crawled under his pile of straw. “Nothing here is good for you,” he muttered.

  When they arrived in science class the next day, the room stunk like a garbage barge on a hot summer day. Professor Eelpot began class with an announcement. “You didn’t put your dissecting specimens away properly yesterday,” she said in her soft voice. “They needed refrigeration. Instead, they rotted, and I had to give them to Griselda to use in tonight’s stroganoff.”

  Victor paled, but Mugsy licked his lips.

  Nobody did. Except Sully, of course. Sully knew everything. But Sully didn’t speak around adults. Cody and the other boys stared at the hideous, massive-jawed fish that lurked in a lower corner of its dark tank.

  “No one knows what angling is?” Professor Eelpot sounded like a purring cat waiting to pounce on a trapped mouse.

  Cody saw Sully making secret little gestures. He flicked his right wrist forward, then with his left hand spun an imaginary wheel. It was as if he was playing charades with Cody.

  “Fishing?” Cody guessed aloud.

  “That’s right,” Professor Eelpot said. “Angling means fishing. The anglerfish uses a little fishing lure, attached to her forehead, to attract fish and eat them. Some species, like this one, have a lure that glows in the dark.”

  “You mean this fish fishes for other fish?” Ratface said. “That’s sick.”

  “Not at all,” Professor Eelpot said, staring at Ratface with one of her dark-rimmed eyes. “In the ocean, it’s eat or be eaten. Survival is all that matters. Most anglerfish live at very great ocean depths, deep down, where the sunlight can’t reach. It’s cold down there, and there’s not much oxygen in the water. The deeper the water, the stranger the creatures. Watch.”

  She unsealed a small plastic bag containing a little goldfish and dumped it into the tank. The goldfish ignored the anglerfish, but when the angler lit up its lure like a spaghetti noodle protruding from its forehead, the curious goldfish wiggled its way over to investigate.

  “The moral of this story, class,” Professor Eelpot said, “is, in your life, which would you rather be? The anglerfish or the goldfish? Think about it.”

  The boys stared at her. Cody shook his head in disbelief.

  “Isn’t it obvious?” Ratface said. “We don’t have a choice. We’re stuck here at Splurch Academy. We’re total goldfish.”

  Professor Eelpot smiled broadly and winked at Ratface. “I know.”

  The bell rang, and they rose to leave. Cody felt like he couldn’t get out of that room fast enough. They hurried down the hall toward the cafeteria. On the way they found Miss Threadbare chewing Nurse Bilgewater out about something. Normally Bilgewater would never have put up with that, but she barely seemed to be listening today.

  Cody’s heart pounded. He wanted to get away before Bilgewater and Threadbare realized the keys were missing—which would draw attention to them. They walked slowly around the corner and out of sight.

  “Where do we go now? Lunch?” Mugsy asked. “Sea slug stroganoff! Yum!”

  “C’mon, Mugsy,” Cody said. “We’re going to go see what’s behind that door Bilgewater went into earlier. Remember?”

  “Who cares about that?” Carlos demanded. “Let’s test this phone! I’ve got the batteries rigged in. Let’s call home and request a fast taxi ride out of this place!”

  “Not a taxi,” Victor said. “A helicopter.”

  “A stealth bomber,” Ratface said. “Come swooping in here before Farley can even hear its engines. Then, when we’re gone, blow the place to bits!”

  They reached the empty classroom and slipped inside. Carlos whipped out his phone and began dialing numbers. “I almost don’t remember my home phone number,” he said. He was so nervous and excited his fingers shook. “It’s beeping. The batteries are working. That’s a good sign. There! Dial.” He finished and held the phone up to his ear expectantly.

  “Hang up and let me try.” Cody took the phone and punched in his own number, checking to make sure he’d dialed correctly.

  “Pinky’s Recycled Lubricants, can I help you?” a woman’s voice replied.

  “Come again? What?”

  “This is Pinky’s Recycled Lubricants in Milwaukee, Wisconsin,” the secretary said. “Nobody greases your skids the second time around quite like Pinky’s. With whom do you wish to speak?”

  “Never mind.” Cody hung up. He handed the phone back to Carlos, who shook his head.


  “I must have wired the numbers wrong,” Carlos said.

  “Either that or our families have all left the country,” Cody said, patting him on the back. “Never mind. You’ll fix it. C’mon, let’s see what’s behind this door.”

  Ratface stuck the key in the lock and cranked it. The door swung open to a dark room. Echoes bounced off the walls, and a warm, fishy smell rose from near the floor.

  “You guys stay here and stand guard,” Cody said. “I’ll check it out.”

  “Don’t go in there, Cody,” Ratface whimpered. “What if whatever’s in there can suck your eyeballs out through its nostrils?”

  Cody took one step forward, then another. His eyes took a while to adjust to the near-darkness.

  Cody climbed out of the pool. The other boys slipped and fell, too, landing in a damp and dirty heap near the edge of the pool. They got up, rubbed their bruises, and looked around.

  The pool chamber was dimly lit by small fluorescent lamps at the exits. The air stunk worse than before as the dark water sloshed gently against the edges of the pool.

  “There’s something in the water, Cody,” Sully said. “See? Little somethings moving.”

  Carlos and Cody knelt down beside Sully for a better look.

  “Are you sure?” Cody said. “I don’t see anything.”

  Sully leaned out over the water and pointed. “What do you think Bilgewater’s been dumping in here, cookie crumbs? Of course there’s something living in here. Look.”

  They knelt to examine the dark surface of the water. Suddenly Mugsy became excited. He plowed in between them and pushed the other boys aside.

  CHAPTER EIGHT