The Trouble with Squids

by Julie Gardner Berry

  “If he keeps falling like that, he’s going to break all his bones,” Carlos said.

  “Cephalopods don’t have bones,” Sully said. “Mugsy may not have any, either. In fact, the cool thing about them is that they’re so incredibly squishy, even the big ones can squeeze their bodies through the tiniest openings.”

  They propped him upright to keep him from falling.

  Sully frowned. “This is serious,” he said. “We’re losing him.”

  “What do we do?” Victor said. “We sure can’t ask the teachers for help.”

  “Right,” Cody said. “Farley can never know about this. We’ve got to keep him a secret.”

  “Uh, Cody,” Ratface said, “this is going to be pretty hard to hide. Mugsy, get your tentacles off me!”

  Cody paced the floor. “Farley must have done this. But how? What’s going on? What are the clues? What do we know? C’mon, everybody, think.”

  They sat around the dwindling fire, trying to think and trying to keep Mugsy’s suckered arms from picking their noses.

  “What about Professor Eelpot?” Carlos said. “She’s a sea creature monster. Everything started getting all fishy around the time she showed up.”

  “She might be involved,” Cody said, nodding.

  “What about Professor Fronk?” Ratface said. “Mugsy’s not the only one turning squiddy.”

  “Remember?” Carlos said. “When we were in the teachers’ lounge and Dr. Farley pressured Mr. Fronk to participate in his experiment?”

  “It must have something to do with genetics,” Sully said. “The only way I can think of to turn a human into a squid is to swap out part of their DNA.”

  “Swap?” Cody said. His mind was spinning. “You mean put squid DNA in a person and put human DNA in a squid?”

  Sully blinked. “I don’t know what Farley does with the old human DNA. Wouldn’t he just throw it out?”

  Cody jumped up, knocking Mugsy back onto the floor. Mugsy had been trying to eat stable straw.

  “When I was down in the pool,” he exclaimed, “there was a squid following me around, playing with Carlos’s phone, and carrying an old ketchup bottle!” He hoisted Mugsy back upright. “That squid must be part Mugsy!”

  “You mean . . . there’s two Mugsys now?” Ratface said.

  “Sounds like it,” Sully said. “One’s a boy who’s part squid, and one’s a squid who’s part boy.”

  “So which one’s the real one?” Ratface demanded.

  Sully scratched his head. “Both, I think.”

  “They’ve turned Mugsy into a monster,” Victor moaned. “They’ve kidnapped him over to the dark side. He’s one of them now. Not one of us. He may eat us in our sleep.”

  “We’ll stay up keeping watch,” Cody said. “This isn’t Mugsy’s fault. He’s not one of them, he’s still one of us. We’ve got to figure out a way to get him back to normal.”

  “What about the submarine idea?” Victor said. “You were right, Cody. With all the teachers outside hunting, now is our perfect chance to take the sub and get away. We could tie a leash on Mugsy and bring him along with us.”

  “What, and leave Mugsy a monster like this forever?” Cody said. “No. We’ve got to fix him. So first we’ve got to find out exactly what Farley’s up to. Once we understand the science that mutated Mugsy, maybe we can mutate him back.”

  “Possibly,” Sully said. “Or maybe, before we can figure out the secret, Farley will have mutated the rest of us.”

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  THE HAT

  The next morning, Mugsy was back to his normal shape.

  “Hot dog,” Carlos said, giving Cody a high five. “He’s his normal self again.”

  “You’re back,” Victor told Mugsy, giving him a hug that surprised everyone. “You came back!”

  “Good thing, too,” Carlos admitted to Cody on the way to breakfast. “It was my turn to keep watch over him, but I fell asleep. He could’ve eaten us all.”

  “I don’t think that’s what he’s after,” Cody said. “He’s not monster enough yet.”

  Breakfast that morning was runny poached eggs on burned toast. Mugsy, who usually ate anything so long as it had ketchup, refused to touch his food. Then Farley appeared with a silver platter heaped with shiny pink shrimp surrounding a little goblet of red cocktail sauce.

  “Can I interest you in a special breakfast this morning, Percival?” Farley cooed.

  Mugsy’s eyes grew wide. He snatched fistfuls of shrimps and popped them in his mouth whole, crunchy tails and all.

  But Mugsy ignored him and just gobbled the shrimps right off the platter. Farley smiled down at Mugsy the whole time.

  Cody glared at Farley, despising him. The headmaster patted Mugsy on his curly head and moved on.

  “Why does he keep coming over here and looking at Mugsy funny?” Ratface muttered. “He’s been doing that for days.”

  “He knows,” Cody whispered to the other boys. “He knows about Mugsy.”

  “He knows what about Mugsy?” Mugsy muttered. “What’s the deal?”

  They stared at him and said nothing. Over in the corner of the cafeteria, Professor Eelpot approached Farley. She whispered in his ear. Their gazes both turned toward Nurse Bilgewater, who sat in one corner, cradling a coffee cup between her hands.

  “I had the weirdest dream last night,” Mugsy said. “I dreamed I was swimming in the ocean, but I was stuck in an underwater cave. I wanted to bust free to the big ocean, but I couldn’t get out of the cave.”

  Cody and Carlos exchanged a look.

  “It’s time for us to get to class,” Sully said. “Think, Mugsy. Think! Try and remember anything Farley might have done to you that made this happen, okay?”

  Mugsy nodded. His eyes got red. “You’re . . . gonna fix me, right?” he said. “You’re not going to leave me this way, are you, guys? I don’t want to be a fish!”

  Sully raised a finger. “Technically, you’re not a fish, you’re a . . .” Victor elbowed him.

  “Save the lesson for later,” Victor said.

  Poor Mugsy still looked so blue, Cody didn’t know what to say. To his surprise, Victor put his arm around Mugsy’s shoulders. “We’re gonna do all we can, Mugs. Promise. Nobody turns my friends into octopuses without a fight.”

  Sully’s finger went up once more. “Technically, though they’re related, squids are not octopuses.”

  They headed to Mr. Fronk’s class. There was their teacher, snoozing as usual. His legs had turned into tentacles and were feeling all over his desk, fiddling with pens and paper clips.

  “I thought school was supposed to be a place where kids could ask questions,” Ratface said. “Geez.”

  “How did Farley steal and swap your DNA,” Carlos asked, “if you’re made from body parts from lots of different people? I mean, you kinda came from the secondhand store, right? An arm here, a head there, feet from one guy, and knees from another . . .”

  “You’re a genetic mess,” Cody observed.

  Fronk opened his mouth, then got confused. Squid arms of his picked up a piece of chalk and wrote, “If you’re so keen on questions, turn to page 57 in your math book, and answer the 200 questions that start there.”

  They all pretended to do the math problems until the bell rang. Cody spied Sully actually doing the math. Then they rose to leave for science class.

  “I won’t forget this outrage!” Fronk cried. “I’ll catch you unawares. You’ll be powerless against my mollusk strength. You’ll digest slowly in my mollusk gut!”

  “Whatever,” Cody said. “You’re too far gone to be able to help us. Let’s go.”

  They headed down the corridor and came upon the table with the hats again. “What are these things still doing here?” Ratface said. He reached and picked up the huge fez. “I want to try this one on.”

  Cody set the fez down on a sink and ripped out the silk lining from the inside. “This was the hat that Mugsy put on, remember?” Cody said. “He said so
mething in it zapped him or stung for a second or something like that. What if that was how Farley got him? This hat’s so big and heavy. Maybe there’s some sort of machine inside.”

  “But Farley told us not to wear the hats,” Ratface pointed out.

  “Exactly,” Sully said. “He knew that’s exactly what we would do if he told us not to.”

  “What a slimy trick!” Ratface cried. “That’s not playing by the rules.”

  “Remember, it’s Farley we’re talking about,” Sully said.

  “Hey, look, guys, here it is.” Sully tore off the last of the fabric. They all stared at the contraption underneath. There was a container of water with a small squid inside, a battery, a glowing rock, and a hypodermic needle.

  “Unbelievable,” Carlos said. “What an incredible invention!”

  “You sound like you’re a fan,” Ratface said. “Don’t forget the rotten thing this invention does.”

  “What’s the glowing stuff?” Victor asked.

  “I’m pretty sure it’s radioactive material,” Sully said. “Probably uranium. That must be what Professor Eelpot brought with her the night that she came. Radioactivity mutates genes. Scientists have known that for a long time.”

  “Speaking of science,” Cody said, “we’re late for science class. I don’t think Professor Eelpot will overlook that.”

  “At least now we know about the hats,” Carlos said. “We’ll be on our guard. Farley won’t be able to trick us so easily next time.”

  “Poor Mugsy, though,” Ratface said, shaking his head.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  THE MOVIE

  They stuffed the hat parts into a bathroom stall and ran to science class, passing Dr. Farley’s laboratory on the way.

  “You low-down, dirty monster,” Victor muttered, shaking his fist at Dr. Farley’s nameplate on the door.

  “C’mon. If we’re late for science, she’ll eat us,” Cody said, tugging on Victor’s arm. “Let’s go.”

  Professor Eelpot’s back was toward them as they snuck into the classroom. She was dropping a small fish into the tank belonging to Ethel, her pet electric eel.

  The boys slid into their seats.

  She unveiled another aquarium. The boys stared at it. They couldn’t figure out what was inside. It looked like a lumpy, pointy, reddish rock.

  “Is that coral?” Carlos asked.

  “Behold the stonefish,” Professor Eelpot whispered. “Genus, Synanceia, species, horrida.”

  “Are you saying that thing’s a fish?” Ratface demanded. “No way! It’s too ugly. Just looks like a bumpy rock.”

  “Precisely,” Professor Eelpot said. “That’s what makes it so deadly. Class, can you all repeat the scientific name after me? Synanceia horrida.”

  “Sin-Nancy-a-horrible,” they parroted back to her.

  “The stonefish is the most venomous fish in the ocean,” Professor Eelpot said. “Whereas some predators, like the mighty shark, capture their prey with their great strength and speed, the stonefish is an ambush predator. It lurks in wait at the bottom of the coral reef disguised as a rock. Lunch comes swimming by, and the stonefish chomps down on it. The stonefish’s prey never suspects the stonefish isn’t a rock. And if foolish humans step on the stonefish, the venom in these jagged spines can kill them.” Professor Eelpot looked pleased at the thought.

  “That’s horrible!” Ratface gasped.

  Professor Eelpot looked surprised. “No, not really,” she said. “There are far too many of you humans around as it is.”

  “Now, class,” she said, “let’s watch an educational movie about ocean predators.” She threaded tape from an ancient movie into an old-fashioned film projector.

  “You’ve gotta admit, this is the best class at Splurch Academy,” Carlos whispered. “She actually teaches us interesting stuff.”

  “Yeah,” Ratface whispered. “She’s a pretty good teacher. For a shark.”

  “Something on your minds, boys?” Professor Eelpot asked, appearing suddenly by their sides.

  “No, ma’am,” Cody answered.

  Professor Eelpot smiled. “Exactly.” She unrolled a projector screen on the front wall and dimmed the lights. Cody heard some strange mechanical sounds—something was wrong with the movie projector. Finally the film began to play. The camera showed an underwater scene with blurry fish swimming by in the distance.

  “Creatures of the deep,” a voice began. “Monsters so ancient, so fearsome, man still trembles at the sight of them. Hunters so deadly, no fish can stand against them.”

  “Fish don’t stand,” Carlos whispered to Cody.

  “That joke is so lame, I’m embarrassed for you,” Ratface whispered.

  “Shh,” Cody said.

  “The great white shark. The anglerfish. The electric eel. The whiptailed stingray. The stonefish. The barracuda. These undersea predators are the stuff of legend. Mankind can only envy their power.”

  Suddenly, without warning, the movie screen snapped and rolled up into its case, and the lights switched on. Cody blinked in the brightness and did a double take. Where the screen had been, there should have been a wall and a chalkboard.

  Instead . . .

  “Greetings,” Headmaster Farley said, standing where the screen had been, with his entire laboratory behind him. “You don’t need to envy undersea creatures anymore.”

  The boys looked up. Dangling from the ceiling over each of their heads was a Geneti-Gro-Mutato-Splice-Atronic, just like they’d found inside Mugsy’s hat, loaded and pointing right at their heads.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  THE TUBE

  Eelpot walked over to Mugsy. “You can come out, Percival,” she said. “No need for you to undergo the gene splicing procedure twice. Come sit on this couch with Professor Fronk.”

  “You’re no shark,” Cody yelled at Professor Eelpot. “A shark attacks with speed and power. You said so yourself. You lured us into a trap like a stupid stonefish. You’re just a crummy ambush predator.”

  Eelpot chuckled. “You never told me, Archie, how clever your students were.”

  “We’ve got to get out of here,” Carlos hissed. “Cody! What can we do?”

  Farley pressed a button, and the floor opened. Up came a widemouthed pipe with an opening like a funnel.

  Professor Eelpot dipped her bucket into Ethel the electrophorus’s tank and scooped her up. Then she poured Ethel into the large funnel in the laboratory floor.

  Bye, Mugsy, Cody thought. Hope I get to see you again someday. As a person, and not as a squid . . .

  “Hope he transforms in a hurry,” Carlos whispered. “Either that or I hope he’s a good swimmer in his human form.”

  “The splicing is nearly ready to begin,” Farley gloated. “And then? I’ll tell you what then: No more badly behaved, foul-smelling human boys requiring school lessons and cafeteria lunches! Just happy sea creatures, swimming under the sea.”

  “But not just sea creatures,” purred Professor Eelpot. “These won’t be your typical fish.”

  “That’s right,” Farley said, patting Cody on the head. “These will be sea creatures I can summon at will to do my bidding.”

  “I’ll never do your bidding!” Cody screamed. “Get your slimy vampire hands off me!”

  “Oh, but you will do my bidding,” Farley replied. “All my monsters do my bidding. Don’t they, Professor Fronk?”

  The half-squid, half-corpse teacher lolled on the sofa. It appeared that the process of turning him into a squid had progressed even further. He didn’t seem to know where he was.

  “Behold,” Farley said, gesturing to Fronk. “Prometheus Fronk! I order you to come press the button that will activate the Geneti-Gro-Mutato-Splice-Atronic, and turn these disgusting boys into your squidly brothers!”

  Fronk almost pressed the button, but his tentacled legs made him slip. While he struggled to get up again, Cody twitched in his seat. “Here we go, guys,” he whispered. “Get ready to run.”

  “Plan
ning an escape, Cody Mack?” Farley asked.

  “You’re not gonna turn me into a squid!” Cody yelled.

  “Perhaps you’d prefer to be a sea sponge,” Farley said with a smirk. “Then Griselda can use you to wash the dishes.”

  “Why don’t you turn yourself into a cockroach,” Cody said. “It’ll feel pretty natural.”

  The lab door opened, and in came Miss Threadbare. “Has anyone seen Nurse Bilgewater?” she demanded. “I can’t find her anywhere. She’s been missing since breakfast!”

  Dr. Farley coughed and looked away. Miss Threadbare got a suspicious look on her face and ripped back the curtain in the corner. There stood Nurse Bilgewater, bound and gagged.

  Bilgewater spit out her gag and glared at Farley. “It’s that Eelpot creature who’s taken over around here,” she hissed. “Archie Farley’s not in charge any more. She’s got him hoodwinked. That shark-face has got to go!”

  “Okay, guys,” Cody whispered to the others over the noise of the fighting adults. “Here’s our chance. On the count of three, all of you, follow me. Don’t hesitate, just go fast, okay?”

  “Wait a sec,” Sully said. “I’ve got to get something first.” He ripped apart the apparatus of the Genetic-Grow-Mutato-Splice-Atronic and stuffed parts of it in his pocket.

  “Quit stalling!” Victor hissed. “What are you trying to do, mutate yourself later on?”

  “Trust me!” Sully whispered.

  “There’s only one way outta here,” Cody whispered. “Down and out. Now!”

  Cody bolted from his seat. The other boys followed. They charged the lab, plowing right through the teachers, and dived into the funnel.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  THE SUB

  They slid down the long, wet chute and landed, all five of them, on top of one another in the pool. Cody swallowed a mouthful of water. Immediately, curious, hungry squids appeared to investigate.