Harry Putter & the Deathly Hairballs

by O'Donnell, Timothy R.

  Shortly after, Hermione abberated them to the Bronx Zoo. From there they made their way into Manhattan and took an Amtrak train to Philadelphia and a bus to Chadd’s Ford. They walked to Cossart Road and saw the farm fields with their haystacks.

  Ron whispered, “It’s here.”

  Hermione took her wand out and said the magic words, “Hess Premium Gasoline, needle.”

  A moment later the diabolical needle had painfully transfixed her palm. She cried out, “Ow, that was just mean!”

  Two nights later, they broke into the home of Samuel L. Jackson, one of the stars of the M. Night Shyamalan movie, Unbreakable. They absconded with a single unbreakable comb from his huge unbreakable comb collection.

  They also brought the stainless steel kitchen sink to the London Steel Tube Mills in Upper Edmonton. They watched as two of the workers there tossed it in the blast furnace.

  And two weeks later Ellis Island disappeared forever in the middle of the night. It was one of the most baffling mysteries of all time. There were dozens of theories and conspiracy theories. Everything suspicious was blamed, from the Loch Ness Monster to Alien Island Abduction to Elvis Pressley’s ghost.

  However, what really happened was the three friends had used the pile of gold galleys to purchase a whole crate of antimatter toothpaste from Fred and George’s joke shop. It took weeks for the young Cheesley men to produce such a large order.

  In the gloom of early morning on the day before they destroyed Ellis Island, Hermione abberated them to the Statue of Liberty. She had visited Liberty Island on a holiday vacation five years ago. From there, Ron confirmed Ellis Island was indeed a hoaxcrock. The Fart Lord had not lied about it.

  Next, they took the Liberty Island ferry to Jersey City. There they booked a midnight fishing excursion. They paid Captain Chumley handsomely to ensure there were no other guests aboard the Three Sheets to the Wind that night. Hermione memorized a nearby spot on the docks to abberate to later.

  Then they were ready to pull off the crime of the millennium. Hermione abberated everyone back to their camp and they rested until it was time to go.

  Ron, Harry, and Hermione arrived on the Jersey City dock at eleven o’clock at night with their supplies. They magically convinced Captain Chumley to moor at the Ellis Island Ferry dock. Then they stupidified him, took his clothing and possessions, tied him up, and blindfolded him. That night, they did the same to all the muddle guards on the island, putting them aboard the chartered fishing boat.

  Afterward, they used magically-enlarged anti-antimatter toothbrushes and massive amounts of antimatter toothpaste to literally brush the island off the map. They finished up in the gloom of early morning from the back of the fishing boat with only six tubes of toothpaste left over.

  When they were ready to go, Harry and Hermione stupidified Captain Chumley again, untied him and put his bottle of rum in his hand. Hermione magically altered his memory, so that he believed the ghost of Elvis Pressley had visited him that night. Meanwhile, Ron left a note on the vessel’s steering wheel. It read:

  You should have renamed it Elvis Island like I asked!

  Thank you very much,

  The King

  Then, Hermione abberated everyone back to their camp in the unnamed woods, where it was late morning. They celebrated by making brunch – a full English breakfast of tea, scrambled eggs, sausage, black pudding, bacon, baked beans, hash browns, and tomatoes.

  While they were eating, suddenly Harry has a vision of Moldyfart accompanied by extreme pain. It was worse than ever, Harry thought he was going to pass out again. He fell to the floor and curled up in a fetal position. He barely held on to consciousness.

  Of course, for several days it was big headline news around the world: Ellis Island Disappears Overnight! Ellis Island Gone! Ellis Island Mysteriously Vanishes!

  When Moldyfart heard the news, he went ballistic. His rage was apoplectic. He was holding a meeting with his Fungus Eaters. They were gathered around a large boardroom table. Harry did not know where they were, however, it seemed likely to be at the Ministry of Magic. He recognized many of the faces he saw, including his ex-roommate, Shameonus Finnigan, and Bobby the Elf.

  The Fart Lord immediately killed two of his Fungus Eaters, Crabby, Sr. and Foil, Sr. They were the only two that were standing. Harry thought perhaps they had been the bearers of the bad news. Putter felt his pain subside a bit. Killing the two helped to lessen the Fart Lord’s rage, however, he was still an angry wizard. He decided to kill Osama Bin Ladin and Yahtzee, too. The pain lessened again.

  After that, Moldyfart ranted and raved at the rest of the gathered Fungus Eaters for nearly an hour. During his tirade, his movie buddy, Shameonus, had a smug relaxed air about him even while the Fart Lord shouted. The disrespectful teenager remained leaning far back in his chair, with his hands behind his head and his feet up on the executive boardroom table. By comparison, the others looked very uptight and afraid.

  Shameonus, finally asked, “Did you ever think that maybe you shouldn’t have made a Master List? Or at least, hidden it somewhere better than under your mattress? That was really dumb of you, mate!”

  A moment later, there is nothing left of Shameonus Finnigan but ashes and his smoking sneakers, still on the table.

  Vermintail complained, “Master, you just killed one of the few hoaxcrocks left. That’s like cutting off your nose to spite your face!”

  Harry felt a knife of pain stab into his brain.

  Moldyfart was shaking with rage.

  Vermintail apologized, “Oh. Uh, sorry, poor choice of words.”

  Moldyfart obliterated Vermintail. The rest of the Fungus Eaters wisely and fearfully kept silent.

  Over the next hour, The Fart Lord’s anger slowly subsided as he tried to work out exactly how many hoaxcrocks were left. Harry’s pain lessened proportionally and his vision faded.

  Each time Moldyfart watched an M. Night Shyamalan movie and made a new hoaxcrock, he experienced a profound emptiness inside him. He felt suddenly vulnerable afterwards and usually held Snakey for an hour or so until he felt better and fell asleep.

  However, when a hoaxcrock was destroyed, even though a piece of his soul slipped away forever, the Fart Lord felt nothing at all. The fragments of his soul were already no longer attached to him. And so, he did not know when any of his hoaxcrocks were destroyed. Nor did he know how many were left.

  He thought, “All the ones at home are gone. Those evil teenagers broke into my very mansion. They are ruthless!”

  He considered it a personal violation. He was a victim of their foul play.

  He continued to think to himself, “Snakey and I are obviously both still good. The Declaration of Independence and The Moaning Lisa are also still good. They would be big news. Like Ellis Island, if Putter somehow managed to get a hold of them, I would hear about it.”

  However, he was thoroughly shaken that the one hoaxcrock he thought was totally indestructible was now gone.

  “It was impossible! Even a nuclear bomb couldn’t do it. It would kill millions, everyone in New York City, but the land would still be there and so my soul would have survived. It was my best hoaxcrock idea ever. Yet, somehow that nerdy hooligan managed to do the impossible. It’s just not fair! The teenage hoodlum must have found some new source of dark magic. It had to be black magic of the worst kind! Magic, I’ve never even heard of. Perhaps, I have underestimated my enemy.”

  He suddenly wished Snakey were there to hold, however, the loveable anaconda was at home.

  “And if Putter could do that, none of the others hoaxcrocks are safe! Not The Moaning Lisa in the Louvre. Not the Declaration of Independence in Washington DC. Not even the Holy Grail, hidden in … What was it? What did Shameonus call it? The Temple of the Sun in the Canyon of the Crescent Moon? Or was it the Temple of the Crescent Moon in the Canyon of the Sun? Oh, whatever! It wasn’t safe and none of the others – if there were still others – were safe either.

  Worst still, I can
’t even find the flipping television remote. So I can’t make any more. Not that I could really risk it anyway. After that last one, I’d never felt so empty before. One more and I’ll wind up inside a hoaxcrock, while my body lies dead and soulless. Besides, with Shameonus gone now, there’d be no one to watch a movie with, and what fun is that? Hmm, maybe I’ll put Shameonus’s soul inside a cuddly iguana. I could make a pet out of him and call him Iggy. Then we could watch movies together again, just like old times.

  But I digress. What was I thinking about? Ah, yes, hoaxcrocks. None of them are safe from Putter. If I don’t do something, pretty soon he’ll come after me and my beloved pet, Snakey.

  The problem is he knows exactly where to find the Declaration of Independence and The Moaning Lisa. We’ve got to get to them first and then hide them. Ah, yes, that’s it. We’ll hide them somewhere where he’ll never find them. But where? Hmmm. Where? Ah, yes, I know! My sock drawer. Just the place.”

  The Fart Lord began giving orders to his Fungus Eaters.

  “Bobby, fetch me The Unbreakable Comb!”

  Bobby the elf said, “Why? You don’t need a comb. You don’t have any hair.”

  Moldyfart blurted out, “Neither does Samuel L. Jackson! Just do what I say!”

  He continued, “Bellatrix and Rodolphius, I want you to steal the Declaration of Independence. Get on it.

  Yahtzee and Luscious bring me The Moaning Lisa and make it snappy.

  Gramps Foil and Grandpappy Shabby, go to the Temple of the Sun in the Canyon of the Crescent Moon and bring back the Holy Grail pronto.

  Trollores Underbridge, Narcissistic, be on call and ready, in case I remember anything else.

  The rest of you, I am sick of your lame excuses. Find Putter! That’s it. Get to work.”

  With those orders, all the Fungus Eaters knew that their half-sane boss had completely lost his marbles. They stood and began to talk to each other in whispers.

  Gramps Foil, however, cried out loudly, “Wait. The Temple of the Sun in the Canyon of the Crescent Moon? Where the hell is that?”

  Moldyfart answered, “Oh, uh, maybe I said it backwards? Is it the Temple of the Crescent Moon in the Canyon of the Sun?”

  The old man replied, “How the heck should I know?”

  The Fart Lord said, “Oh, just figure it out! If a nitwit like Shameonus could do it, an incompetent boob like you can, too.”

  Chapter 16 – All’s Fair in Louvre and War

  Hermione hated the French. She hated everything about them. However, her hatred was complete bias and not founded on reason. She had never actually been to France and she never wanted to go. Unfortunately, that was the location of the next hoaxcrock – The Moaning Lisa. And more unfortunately, since she was not familiar with Paris, she could not abberate directly there. The three teenagers purchased one-way plane tickets at the airport for the next flight to the City of Love. (Even that term annoyed Hermione. It implied the conceited French had invented love.)

  Ron was afraid to fly because he remembered the light-up sneaker’s words. The deep malevolent voice had threatened, “On the next plane ride you take, I’ll make the movie be Maximum Overdrive! And you’ll be so bored that you’ll watch the whole thing without sound.” Despite Harry and Hermione’s efforts to encourage him, he had misgivings. In his heart, he believed it was going to happen and he worried fretfully.

  Shortly after boarding the plane, Harry put earphones on and started to listen to music. Hermione was reading a French to English, English to French dictionary.

  Ron asked the flight attendant nervously, “Will there be a movie on this flight?”

  With a thick French accent, the woman replied, “Would you like to request something?”

  Ron pleaded, “Anything but Maximum Overdrive.”

  “I’ll see what I can do.”

  Cheesley felt a bit relieved.

  When the attendant returned, she handed Ron a set of headphones and said, “You will be pleased to know that we have achieved Maximum Overdrive. Enjoy your flight.”

  Ron laughed nervously and was too embarrassed to ask her for a different movie. He wasn’t sure it would help anyway. He plugged his headphones in, however, when the movie started, there was no sound.

  Ron groaned and kicked himself. He had just made something awful happen while trying to prevent it. He asked Hermione if she had anything he could do instead of watching the movie without sound. She offered him a Three Musketeers candy bar and a juice box.

  He groaned again.

  After the plane had landed, and they were at the taxi stand, Hermione called out for a taxi and asked in terribly butchered French for a ride to the Louvre. Ron and Harry were less than impressed.

  They spent the afternoon scouting the museum and becoming familiar with the layout, especially of the Salle des États, the Room of the States, where The Moaning Lisa was displayed. Afterward, they went to a cafe where the waiter ignored them for several hours, during which they discussed their plan. They procured a hotel room and rested until it was time for the big heist. At 1:00 AM they returned to the Louvre. At 1:15 AM Hermione pulled C4 explosives from Santa’s bag.

  Powerful protection spells were setup nightly, so they could not abberate in or out of the museum. Instead, they blew a hole in the side of the building – a little trick they had learned in Defense Against the Fine Arts.

  Hermione casually quoted the principle, “Well, sometimes the best defense is a good offense.”

  They entered the museum and were surprised nobody was there yet. They expected guards.

  Ron asked, “So why haven’t the alarms gone off? Are they silent alarms?”

  Hermione said, “They probably are on a direct line to the police station. Don’t worry, we’ll handle it when security and the police show up.”

  They walked to the front desk with their wands out. However, no one was around.

  Hermione said, “Hmm. I guess the guard must be in the bathroom or something.”

  Just as they were walking by, they heard a deep voice. It called out Ron’s name.

  The three teenagers stopped.

  Ron heard his name again. It was coming from the telephone on the desk. This made him feel quite afraid, for he had just watched a movie earlier that day about machines that came to life.

  Hermione nudged Ron toward the desk and said, “Answer the phone, Ron. It’s obviously for you.”

  Ron nervously picked up the receiver and quietly asked, “H-Hello?”

  The deep malevolent voice on the phone replied, "You can have The Moaning Lisa..... but you can never leave! Muhuhaha.”

  Ron, forgetting the big hole in the wall, yelped when he heard the click of the nearby doors locking, shutting him in. He started to run for his life, the lights above flickered and a nearby vacuum cleaner turned itself on and began to chase him. Overhead lights began dropping in front of him hurling down with loud crashes and broken glass. They sent him veering in a new direction. Ron started shooting spells at the vacuum cleaner as he ran away from it. Suddenly, he noticed Harry in front of him with a video camera filming him.

  He shouted, "Harry look out," and slapped the camera out of his friend’s hands.

  Hermione turned the vacuum cleaner off and told Ron to calm down. They were just messing with him.