Harry Putter & the Deathly Hairballs

by O'Donnell, Timothy R.

  “He didn’t put it anywhere. Sir Galahad was the knightly embodiment of perfection. Galahad was always known as "Sir Perfect." He was "Sir Perfect" in courage, gentleness, courtesy, and chivalry. He used to monitor the hallways in knight school. Anyway, after he obtained the grail and completed his quest, his purpose here on earth was fulfilled. And so, he shed this mortal coil. He was raised bodily unto the heavens by a multitude of angels. Enough to make you sick, isn’t it? You know, I could of done it! I was about to. He just happened to get there first.”

  “Then the Grail could still be in Castle Carbonek?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “If Sir Galahad saw the grail but didn’t take it, then it must still be there, right?”

  “You really don’t get it. It’s got nothing to do with a trophy cup, a wine cup, a sacred vessel, or a golden chalice. That part’s all symbolic. The grail is the quest for perfection. And since, that’s already been done, there’s no sense in trying to do it again. What’d be the point? God doesn’t give out trophy cups for second place.”

  “So, you don’t think that the grail exists physically?”

  “Now, you’ve got it, laddie.”

  Harry sighed.

  “I’m in bits,” Spleen Thomas asked, “What’s all this grail stuff all about anyway?”

  Harry answered, “Spleen, we have a list of the Fart Lord’s hoaxcrocks and the Holy Grail is on the list.”

  Spleen laughed, “Where’d you get a list from?”

  “From under his mattress.”

  Spleen and Sir Robin both laughed at this. Afterward, Spleen said, “Well, I think it’s quite an obvious lie. There’s no way an evil blighter like him got a hold of the Holy Grail. If God wouldn’t allow a great guy like Sir Robin to see it, He wouldn’t let a wanker like Pull-Me-Finger have a go at it. Ol’ Farthead’s pullin’ your chain, mate.”

  “Well, I actually thought about that. However, I’ve good reason to believe he’s not.”

  “How’s that?”

  “Everything else on the list is valid, including some items I thought might be hoax hoaxcrocks. However, what also occurred to me was that perhaps one of the Fungus Eaters gave Moldy…err, Oldyfart May, a fake Holy Grail.”

  Spleen Thomas gasped. He said, “Wait a minute!”

  Everyone stared at him waiting.

  Spleen was working something out in his head. Several times he gasped, “Oh!”

  Finally, he said, “It was Shameonus Finnigan! I had forgotten all about it. One evening he was going off to see his chum and before he left, he took Harry’s Dribble Goblet of Fire. He said he was going to prank his movie buddy with it. Harry wasn’t around to ask, so he borrowed it. When he got back, he tucked it back in Harry’s trunk. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, as I’m sure Harry wouldn’t have minded.

  However, now that everyone knows Shameonus Finnigan is a Fungus Eater and his movie buddy is Mr. Buttpuffer, well? What d’you think? He probably brought the goblet all lit up in flames and told his pal it was the Holy Grail. That stupid wanker would of fallen for it for sure. Then for fun, the scallywag planted the hoaxcrock back where he got it – right under Harry’s nose.”

  Harry said, “Heck, we can check that right now! Hermione?”

  His friend pulled a present out of Santa’s sack and handed it to Harry.

  Before Harry had even unwrapped it, Ron exclaimed, “Oh my God! It is a hoaxcrock!”

  Harry gritted his teeth and seethed, “Shameonus Finnigan must die! I’m gonna kill that son of a …”

  Hermione interrupted, “Harry, remember? He’s already dead.”

  Harry answered, “Darn it! I forgot.”

  Spleen Thomas said, “Dudes, have you heard the latest? There a panic going on at Hogwashes. There’s a fiendish devil cat roaming the dungeons. It’s even killed two students – Shabby and Foil. And after it rends them to death with its sharp claws, it leaves a hairball behind on each of its victims. Kinda like the Joker in Batman leaving his calling card at the scene of the crime.”

  Hermione exclaimed, “Oh, no!”

  Ron commiserated, “How terrible.”

  Harry was simply stunned. He thought, “The Death Cat is real?”

  Meanwhile, a man was prowling the dungeon level corridors of Hogwashes.

  Since the deaths of Shabby and Foil, the students feared and dreaded the dark and dismal lower levels of the school. News circulated of a feral animal roaming the dungeons. Rumors about that creature ran rife. Some scoffed that it was only an ordinary cat, which had merely passed through the scene of the boys’ murders after the fact, leaving its paw prints behind. However, others whispered of a fierce creature with glowing eyes that could pierce the complete darkness of the unlit corridors. Tales of a devil cat, a feline demon, a vampires bat, and of werewolves and other shape-shifters abound. False sightings were imagined, leading to screams of terror, fleeing students, class disruptions, and general chaos.

  The headmaster, Carnivorous Ape, had instructed the students to avoid the area, when possible. However, the PRK student’s facilities, including dorm rooms and their common room, were in the dungeon. There was no way to relocate them, so the PRKs had no choice but to risk their lives in their daily routines. They grouped together and never wandered. They moved rapidly in twos and threes. And their eyes were always nervously searching the poorly-lit corridors as they came and went.

  However, one man braved the unlit lowest levels of Hogwashes daily. He carried a lantern to light his way. As he roamed the dungeon corridors, he did so calmly and without the trepidation of the students.

  He knew the murders weren’t so mysterious. The wizard coroner had confirmed what the teachers already knew. With no sign of visible trauma, no symptoms of poisoning, and no obvious other biological reason for death, it was the Death Curse. Clearly, In-a-Godda-Da-Vida was the cause. Someone in the school was a cold-blooded killer.

  However, to ease the student’s nerves and to end the panic and the rumors, the Headmaster had given him the task of capturing the cat. The man assigned this task was Cubious Hasbeen, the keeper of the Hogwashes Magical Creatures Petting Zoo and the teacher of Magical Beast Biology.

  Hasbeen did not search the dungeons unprepared. He knew exactly what he was looking for. He could recognize the footprints of the creature. It was a cat. And it wasn’t some devil cat or a feline demon. He knew there was no such thing. It may be a wild feral cat or a domestic one, but it was cat of the ordinary variety – Felis Catus.

  Hasbeen joked, “Unless it has learned how to speak and cast spells!”

  The big man had seen many typical signs of its presence. Such as, scratch marks toward the bottom of the wooden dungeon doors, where it had sharpened its claws, and the remains of mice and rats. The poor creature even had digestive problems and had left several hairballs behind.

  Unfortunately, it had coincidentally left them at the two murder sites. In the case of Belch, the hairball was pinched between his fingers, indicating that the man had picked up the hairball just before he was attacked. In the case of the boys, they were on forehead and neck. It was clear the cat was there at their murders, because one of the hairballs had been soaked by splashed dye. That couldn’t have happened afterward.

  Two weeks ago, Hasbeen had set two traps – box-shaped cages with sides that dropped into place once their trigger was tripped. He baited one with dry cat food and the other with catnip. Yet the infernal feline had not been caught. He sighed when he saw the second cage was still empty.

  However, he noticed something in the dark corridor ahead. Reflecting the light of the lantern was a pair of eyes – cat’s eyes. He raised the lantern and peered into the darkness. He thought he saw the outline of the cat lighter than the dark stone floor.

  He made kissing noises and said, “Here kitty, kitty.” However, the cat turned away. He lumbered after it and caught a glimpse of it turn the corner ahead. He followed.

  Though he was by no means even close to
the agility of a cat and knew he’d never catch it by chasing it, he hoped that he might get the feline to come to him by being friendly to it.

  However, when he turned the corner, he saw the cat was cornered, backed up against a heavy wooden door.

  He laughed to himself, “Unless you’ve learned how to open doors.”

  The following morning, Cubious Hasbeen was not at class. He was not in his cabin by the edge of the Forbidden Forest of Sure Death. Later that afternoon, his body was found in the deepest level of Hogwashes. There was a hairball at the bridge of his nose, right between his unblinking eyes.

  Chapter 18 – Irrational Treasure

  The next morning, while eating breakfast, Harry pulled out the list of hoaxcrocks and crossed off the Holy Grail.

  Ron asked, "So what do we need to destroy next?"

  "The Declaration of Independence," Hermione replied. "And it's probably going to be the hardest one yet. The historic document is going to be heavily guarded.”

  "Well, The Moaning Lisa was guarded too, and that wasn't hard to get," argued Ron.

  Hermione explained, "Yes, but they were French guards, these will be Americans and they will be much harder to evade. But more importantly, I meant that it’s guarded by stronger security systems."

  Ron suggested, “What we should do is break in just like they did in that movie, what was it called? National Treasure?”

  Hermione slapped her forehead and said, “Why didn’t I think of that.”

  Ron said, “That’s an awesome movie. Did you happen to pack it?”

  Hermione sighed and said for the millionth time, “Of course, I packed it.”

  The three teenagers carefully watched the movie and took notes. As they watched, they realized they were going to need help. The Declaration of Independence was well-protected by a laser security detection system, surveillance cameras, and motion detectors, as well as by armed guards. And that was just to get to the area outside the door to the Preservation Room in the National Archive in Washington, DC. If these were the only measures, help would not be necessary.

  However, to get into the Preservation Room, they needed to have the password to the electronic cipher lock. Hermione was good with computers, a computer nerd of sorts. She had packed the right equipment including a sophisticated password-cracking software tool. Yet, none of them would be able to extrapolate for the duplication of key strokes, the way Cage did in the movie. They were going to need a genius at guessing the right password.

  Nicholas Cage was famous world-wide as an Academy Award winning actor. More so, he was well-known within the wizard community as a sorcerer. In fact, he is best known as a master at altering memories. He uses this ability mostly on casting directors, in order to make them forget about his performances in two bombs in particular – Bangkok Dangerous and The Wicker Man.

  The teenagers decided to pay a call on Butthilda Bigshot, hoping that her husband, Benny Bigshot, could use his Hollywood connections to put them in touch with the famous actor. They told Butthilda about all their progress in destroying the hoaxcrocks. She was delighted to hear how well it was going. She introduced them to her husband and made sure that Benny gave them the contact information they needed.

  Eleven minutes later, they were in Nicholas Cage’s living room waiting for the actor to come home.

  At 6:30 PM Cage arrived. He was holding a box the size of a shoe box and a DVD.

  He said, “Oh, hey, guys. I was expecting you.”

  The three teenagers all said, “Hey.”

  Hermione asked, “You were expecting us?”

  Cage replied, “Well, of course, I was expecting you. Do you really think I would eat a dozen donuts by myself while watching the movie, Finding Nemo?”

  Cage actually had not been expecting anyone in his living room when he got home. He had been planning on spending Friday night in his usual manner – eating twelve Boston Crème donuts while watching a Pixar movie. However, the actor also liked to play it cool, particularly when something unexpected did occur. And he did not anticipate that he might have to share his donuts.

  When the movie was over, Cage had eaten nine of the twelve donuts. He said, “Great story, wonderful character development, however, the voice acting of Albert Brooks in his portrayal of Marlin, the father, was a little weak. They probably should have brought in a professional.”

  The three teenagers thoroughly agreed.

  Nick said, “Anyway, so, what do you cats want to do next? We could go get some hot dogs? Or I know this roller skating rink where Wednesday night is Michael Jackson night. I know it’s not Wednesday, but it’d probably still be pretty good. What do you say?”

  Hermione said, “Actually, we’re here to ask you for your help.”

  Cage replied, “I knew that.”

  Of course, Cage really did not know that.

  He continued, “So what’s your project and how may I be of assistance?”

  She answered, “Well, you see, we’re on a hoaxcrock destroying mission. And…”

  The actor joked, “Is that anything like a mission from God? Blues Brothers, 1980.”

  “No, well, maybe… I don’t know. Basically, we’re trying to kill this horribly evil, half-insane wizard.”

  Cage asked, “And his name is Hoaxcrock?”

  Hermione answered, “Err, no. A hoaxcrock is a physical repository that this wizard has put a part of his evil soul into.”

  Cage shook his head, “Sorry, I can’t help you. Your movie is too much like Child’s Play, 1988.”

  Hermione bit her lip and said, “Sorry, I don’t get the reference.”

  Cage said, “Sure, you do. Remember, Chucky, the doll from hell? This horribly evil, half-insane wizard is dying, so he uses a Voodoo ritual to put his soul into the Chucky doll.”

  Hermione said, “Oh, uh, yes. Like that, only our evil wizard splits his soul into a whole mess of objects, but no dolls.”

  Cage answered, “It’s still not unique enough. What else have you cats got? Got anything with kicking superheroes that we can turn into a 3-D CGI animation spectacular? Preferably with a male lead character, but not necessarily. If need be, I can do women’s roles too.”

  Hermione said, “But we’re not pitching a mov…”

  Harry clamped his hand over Hermione’s mouth. He nervously said, “Mr. Cage probably wouldn’t understand your crazy sense of humor, Hermione. Of course, we’re pitching a movie, and we have Benny Bigshot as our producer!”

  Cage said, “I knew that. Why else would you be here?”

  Harry said, “No other reason. We’re here to pitch our big movie. Did I mention it’s a Benny Bigshot Production?”

  The actor replied, “Yes, you did. What’s the working title?”

  Harry said, “The Quest to Destroy Lord M…”

  Hermione clamped her hand over Harry’s mouth. She said, The Quest to Destroy the Fart Lord.

  Cage said, “The Fart Lord? Hey! You’re Harry Put… wait, I knew that. But that means, you don’t have the script finished yet. Moldyfart’s not dead. He’s taken over the Ministry.”

  Harry said, “Hey, don’t worry about the script! We’ll take care of that. We have a team of writers working on the ending. They can’t wait for the Final Battle to find out how it all turns out. In the meanwhile, we need your help to destroy one of the hoaxcrocks – The Declaration of Independence.”