Harry Putter & the Deathly Hairballs

by O'Donnell, Timothy R.

  His body tensed. His back arched. Every muscle in his body became rigid. Then he died. His taut body became limp and lifeless.

  A moment later, when the snake unwound itself from the actor’s dead body, Cage breathed a huge lungful of air, and as he did, he attacked. He jumped on the snake’s back and began stabbing it frantically. His lungs were heaving.

  Snakey was in trouble now. The small knife wounds had already taken their toll. He felt weak – too weak to fight back. He tried to escape. However, the man’s weight kept him pinned to the floor. Pain kept piercing his body, each time in a new spot. Snakey slowly bled to death.

  An hour later, Harry and Herbie were ready. As they unwound the fire hose in the Astronomy Tower, Nicholas Cage arrived. He had a giant anaconda draped over his neck. The tail and head were dragging behind him and he struggled with his enormous burden.

  Harry shouted with glee, “You killed Snakey!”

  Cage answered, “Well, I am awesome, you know!”

  He hefted his load off his shoulders and put the giant dead snake down with its head hanging over the Keep Wall.

  Harry said, “Me too. Just watch this.”

  They brought the end of the fire hose out to the Keep Wall. Next Herbie fired the modified grenades at the three Panzers, two at each. The effect was less than spectacular. The Fan Club and other curious onlookers were greatly disappointed. Cage was less than impressed.

  Nick scoffed, “Sorry, Harry, but you just don’t seem to get it at all. Audiences want big explosions. That was a pathetic little popping noise. I barely heard it over the rest of the shooting. Plus, it was Herbie doing all the grenade launching. You just stood there in that stupid-looking sombrero.”

  However, Harry said, “Wait for it.”

  Putter yelled for the water to be turned on. A moment later, he aimed a jet of water as it arched over the battlement across the courtyard and struck one of the Panzers, then the second, and then the third. When the water struck the anti-matter toothpaste, which was splattered upon the tanks, it foamed and ate gaping holes in the tank’s hulls and turrets. The main guns on two of the Panzer were immediately destroyed. The third could no longer move, but its turret was still functional. It required an explosive grenade to be launched. Herbie did the honors. The grenade bounced into a huge hole in the tank’s hull. When it exploded, it set off the ammunition supply. The resultant explosion sent a ball of fire and smoke coursing into the dawn sky. It was a lovely explosion enhanced by the background colors of the rising sun.

  Nick called out, “Yeah! Now, that’s what I’m talking about!”

  There was a huge cheer from the defenders on the walls. The enemy was unnerved by this new defeat. All their tanks were gone. And curse the English, with their black magic again!

  Harrison Ford congratulated Harry, “Well done, Putter. Hey, keep me in mind for lead role when they turn this baby into a movie.”

  Cage cried out, “Too late, Ford, the role’s already taken!”

  Ford leaned nonchalantly against the parapet and said, “This guy? C’mon, Harry, he’s second string. He’s the one who ends up with half the roles I turn down.”

  Cage scoffed, “You mean the roles that are too tough for you to handle.”

  Ford laughed, “Pffft, I loved your work in Bangkok Dangerous.”

  “Likewise, you were great in Hollywood Homicides.”

  “Sorcerer’s Apprentice.”

  “Crystal Skull”

  “Ghost Rider.”

  “Six Days, Seven Nights.”

  “Weatherman.”

  “Temple of Doom.”

  “What’s wrong with Temple of Doom? In its day it was the tenth highest grossing film of all time.”

  “Nothing, if you like cheese.”

  “You want cheese? How about The Wicker Man?”

  Cage gritted his teeth. The Wicker Man again! It was his weak spot. In fact, in order to get any roles after that bomb, he had to constantly alter casting director’s memories to forget about it. Cage knew he should have never started this. He was always outmatched when it came to terrible performances, and The Wicker Man, was like the Godzilla of bad acting.

  Cage put his nose in the air and said, “Harry wants an Academy Award winning actor playing his role.”

  Cage pulled no punches. He knew Ford’s weak spot too. With all his success the man had never achieved the coveted Oscar.

  Ford swallowed and said, “Hey, if Harry wants to take a fifty-fifty chance on his movie, that’s all right with me. But if you decide you want the number one actor in the ‘Top 100 Movie Stars of All Time,’ the actor that’s been in three of the top five box-office hits of all time, an actor that brings in billions, not millions, BILLIONS; give me a call.”

  Harrison handed Harry his business card.

  Cage said, “For Pete’s sake, Ford. You’re a seventy year old man and he’s a teenager. You’re too old for the role.”

  Ford said, “I’m not dead yet.”

  “Your career is.”

  The argument had attracted a small crowd of onlookers. When Cage said this, they cried out, “Ooh!” That last attack was like a boxer hitting below the belt. Everyone knew it was blatantly uncalled for.

  Harrison Ford did not answer. He simply stared at Nicholas Cage with an icy glare until the man turned and cowardly fled into the Astronomy Tower.

  Harry applied the Resounderous spell to his throat, amplifying his voice, and said, “Attention shoppers, we have a special this morning for those of you who realize that we’ve whipped your butts all night. Surrender now and live. Don’t wait for your friends, be the first to survive.”

  As Harry spoke, the fighting died down and came to a halt.

  Several Nazis yelled and jeered in English, “Commen zee down! If you vish to speak mit us, commen zee down! Ve are the Schutzstaffel, der SS. Ve will fetch you from your dungeon rat hole and burn you stinkink vitches and varlocks at the stake.”

  “Oh come on already. You guys don’t have a prayer now that your tanks are all destroyed.”

  “That vat you think, Putter. Look at der greatness of our army. Ve are the SS, the lighting war, der bliztkreig! We are not dee französische. Ve do not surrender. Ve are not afraid. Ve do not stop the fight for night or day, for fair veather or for storm. Ve come to kill.”

  Harry said, “Then you do not see that the tide of battle has turned! Surrender now before it is too late.”

  “Commen zee down or ve will shoot you from the wall,” they cried. “This is no parley. You have nothing to offer.”

  “I have still this to say,” answered Harry. “Surrender or I will not spare even one of you. None will be left alive to take back tidings to the Fart Lord. You do not know your own peril.”

  As Harry stood there upon the battlements before the host of his enemies, many of the SS paused, and looked over their shoulders wondering if some doom might be approaching, and some looked up doubtfully at the sky and the rising sun for signs of more tricky wizardry. But other Nazis laughed with loud voices; and a hail of bullets whistled and ricocheted along the wall, as Harry ducked his head back down.

  Suddenly, there was a roar of an explosion. The massive keep doors, the archway above them, and the section of the battlements atop, all crumbled and crashed in smoke and dust. Many defenders had gathered there upon the Keep Wall. They plummeted to their deaths. Elves, including Henry the Kitchen Elf and Knights, including Sir Bors and Sir Gwain died. Several of Harry’s teachers and fellow students fell, including Humphrey the Wise and Mystical, Ms. Smooch, Ernie Mackelroy, Lavatory Brown, Justin Flinch-Retchedly, and Tabithaa Stevens. And several Cheesleys died including Perky, Greg, Marsha, Jan, Cindy, and Ginny. And among the Fan Club, Wrestlemania Trunks and Rhomulus Loopin were lost.

  Mrs. Cheesley almost died too. However, Kingsley Shuckthecorn quickly cast a levitation spell upon her and saved her life.

  Harry cursed. Those sneaky Nazi bastards used the lull in combat to rig up explosives.

&nb
sp; But even as the school’s front gate fell, and the Nazis in the courtyard yelled, preparing to charge, a murmur arose behind them. At first it sounded like the rustle of a distant wind, but it grew to a clamor of many German voices crying out in dismay. Harry did not know German but he knew something was not going well for his enemies. The Nazis in the courtyard, heard the rumors, wavered, and looked back.

  And then, sudden and brash, from the Astronomy Tower above, the sound of the great horns of the Knights of Camelot rang out. It was a sound that made everyone who heard it, friend or foe, tremble. Many of the Nazis immediately cast their rifles down and their hands in the air. The echoes rang off the cliffs. And those still upon the Keep Walls looked up, listening with wonder; for the echoes did not fade. The horn blasts rang back from the distant hills of the valley, nearer now and louder they answered one another. It was eerie and chilling. The enemy worried that they had been outflanked and surrounded.

  “To Arms! To Arms!” the Knights shouted. “Make ready to charge. For the King. For Sir Bors. For Sir Gwain. Make ready to charge!”

  And with that command the Knights of the Round Table came upon their white horses. Their armor and shields gleamed in the morning sun. Their long lances held upward. In front was brave Sir Lancelot. To his right hand was Ron. Behind them rode Sir Balin, Sir Percival, and all the other knights of the Round Table and their retinue of men.

  Lancelot called, “Forward, Charge!” With a cry and a great noise they spurred their steeds and lowered their lances. Down from the keep they rode shouting their battle cry as they came. Over the causeway they swept, and they drove through the petrified Nazis as the hot air blows from Beadie the Blowhard. Behind them from the dungeon came the war cry of Saint Nick leading the students, rallying forth to engage the enemy. And the other defenders ran to join them in the attack. The shouting of their voices drowned out the echoes of the horn blasts in the hills.

  On they rode, the Knight of the Round Table and their companion Ron. German Captains and Lieutenants fell or fled before them. With their leaders abandoning them, their troops turned and ran for their lives. Ogres and giants did not fully understand, but ran anyway. All enemies had their backs to the lances and their faces to the valley. Though they still outnumbered the defenders, their morale was utterly broken. They cried out and wailed in their fear.

  So the Knight of the Round Table and Ron rode from the castle ruins and clove a wide path among the fleeing Nazis to the foot of the great hill. There the company halted to briefly rest. The light of day was bright around them. Shafts of sunlight streamed through the white clouds and glimmered on their armor and lances. But they sat silent on their horses, and they gazed upward along the road.

  Only two kilometers lay between them and the crest of the hills. There the proud army of Moldyfart cowered in disarray. In terror they kept their distance from the Knight of the Round Table and fled from the students of Hogwashes. They streamed down from the school until all the Quibbage Field was empty of them. Above it, they were packed like swarming insects. They pushed each other and trampled each other, trying to escape. Vainly the Nazis crawled and clambered about the sheer cliff walls of the valley, seeking to get away.

  Then suddenly upon the crest of the great hill a rider appeared before them, clad in a white robe, shining bright in the rising sun. Ron recognized the white-robed wizard immediately. It was Grumblesnore and behind him, hastening over the ridge and down the long slope of the great hill poured a thousand men on foot; with swords in their hands. Amid them strode a magnificent steed, tall and strong. Upon its back, a knight in gleaming armor. Upon his shield and banners, a black field with a white tree. As he came to the valley’s brink, he set to his lips a great black horn and blew a deep blast.

  “What crest be that? A white tree?” Sir Lancelot asked confused. One of the squires answered, “Sir, ‘tis the mark of Gondor. The army of Gondor approacheth.”

  “Alright! Yes! The good guys win!” cried Ron joyously, pumping his fist high in the air. “Grumblesnore has come back! With such a big army, and with the Germans in disarray, victory is ours! Whoopie!”

  The Nazis roared, swaying this way and that, turning from one fright to another. Hemmed in by cliff walls and now escape cut off by enemies on both sides! Again the horn sounded from the tower signaling the charge. Down charged the newly arrived army led by their fearsome warrior king and Elvis Grumblesnore. Thousands of fierce swordsmen ran down from the crest of the hills and more followed. Grumblesnore, the White Rider was upon them, and the terror of his coming filled the enemy with madness. The wild ogres fell on their faces before him. The Nazis reeled and screamed and cast aside both rifles and lugers, their hands held high in surrender. Others ran wildly, not knowing which way to turn. Wailing they passed by the knights of Camelot, fleeing the massive army which still poured down from the hilltop crest.

  And as the King of Gondor and Grumblesnore approached, the knights of Camelot waited to greet them – to joyfully clasp hands in solidarity of purpose and call out, “Well met!”

  Ron shouted to his old Headmaster, “Wow, you came just in time!”

  And Grumblesnore laughed as his army drove down from the hill and crashed into the Knights of the Round Table in a surprise attack! Many valiant knights were pulled from their horses. Those behind, turned their steeds and made a hasty retreat. With Excalibur in hand, Ron was able to carve an escape. The small retinue was driven from the field of battle by the vast Army of Gondor.

  Trumpets blared once more, only this time sounding a hasty retreat. The students of Hogwashes turned and ran back to their school grounds, back to the Astronomy Tower.

  Grumblesnore yelled, “Death to Harry Putter!”

  King Aragorm, Son of Arathorm, shouted, “Death to Harry Putter!”

  Chapter 22 – The Deathly Hairballs

  The Nazis, having been reinforced by the Army of Gondor, began to pick up their weapons and regroup. As they did, Moldyfart arrived.

  The Fart Lord pointed his wand to his throat and cast the Resounderous spell. His loud voice echoed off the cliffs and castle walls as he said, “Putter, I’m giving you one hour to surrender. And if you don’t, we will renew the battle and I will personally join in the fight. Every one of your friends will die. I will not spare anyone in the school.”

  Harry was horrified at the toll of death this wizard’s war had already inflicted. He was more horrified that Moldyfart would kill all the students. No one else should have to die.

  Harry used his magic to amplify his own voice. He replied, “And I challenge you to meet me in the courtyard in a Wizard’s Duel to the Death.”

  Moldyfart was pleased with that idea. He longed for such an opportunity to annihilate Harry Putter, the cheating scumweasel.

  Harry added, “That is unless you’re chicken?”

  The Fart Lord called out, “Chicken? You’re on, Putter! I’ll destroy you! No, wait! First, I’m going to make you eat your words. Nobody calls me chicken, especially a… a big ‘fraidy cat like you. No wait! First, I’ll make you eat your words, then I’ll mock you some more, and then I’ll destroy you.”

  Harry said, “Alright. But I have one condition! If I choose to meet you in the courtyard for a wizard’s duel to the death, you have to spare everyone else’s lives – all the students and teachers, all the elves and knights, – everyone here.”

  The Fart Lord considered this and replied, “Certainly not! I’ll spare everyone but Neville Largebottom, he… killed my Snakey! He’s going to pay for it with his life!”

  Harry did not correct Moldyfart. Nicholas Cage had killed Snakey. And since Neville was already dead, let him think that the student killed the giant anaconda.

  Harry simply told the Fart Lord, “Neville’s already dead.”

  The Fart Lord yelled, “Then have Nurse Pomfrite raise him back to life, so I can kill him!”

  Harry said, “Nurse Pomfrite’s dead too.”

  Moldyfart yelled, “D’oh! You’re next, Putter!
And if I find out you’re lying to me, I’ll have Nurse Pomfrite resurrect you, just so I can have the satisfaction of killing you twice! You have one hour to meet me for a duel to the death.”

  Considering everything, it was a very generous offer. The situation was grim for the defenders, who had already lost many of their friends in battle. Harry informed everyone that he would duel Lord Moldyfart.

  The young man’s plan was simple. He would use the magic hat to fake his own death, and while the Fart Lord was celebrating his victory, he’d conduct a surprise attack. He’d fling the snow globe at the back of Moldyfart’s head and kill him with the Deathly Hairball.

  It was a beautiful early morning that promised a wonderful day of warmth and sunshine. Under a white flag of truce, Harry left the Astronomy Tower. His friends carried the flags and led him out into the courtyard. They formed half of the large circle in which the two combatants would duel. Among those in the front row were: Harry’s good friends, Ron and Hermione; celebrities Nicholas Cage, Harrison Ford, and Al Roker; Fan Club members Fabulous Butterpants, Kingsley Shuckthecorn, and Molly Cheesley; Santa and Herbie; Spleen Thomas and Sir Robin; teachers Minerva McGooglesnot, Mrs. Tickwick, Mrs. Fatfree, and the centaur, Frenzy; and several students such as Yu Rang, Colin Creepy, and ‘Crybaby Peepants’ Jones. Behind them were many of the other castle defenders.

  On the other side of the circle, the Fart Lord’s allies stood. There were Fungus Eaters; Bellatrix and Rodolphius Le Deranged, Narcissistic Vain Maldoy and her son, Faco; Grandpappy Shabby and Gramps Foil; the venerable Great Grandpappy Shabby and the revered Great Gramps Foil; Trollores Underbridge, and other enemies of Harry’s such as Bobby the Elf, King Aragorm, and Elvis Grumblesnore. There were even a few of the students such as Panties Pimpleton, Ophelia Quirkey, and Perverti Pickle. Behind them were Nazi soldiers with their rifles slung over their shoulders, the men of Gondor, and several ogres.