by Anna B. Doe
“The last time?”
I play dumb, twirling a strand of my hair around my finger. She’s talking about a weight “problem” I don’t have.
“Yes, the last time. I told you I can connect you with that new trainer that’s been working miracles around Manhattan. Almost all the models I know go to him.”
“I think I’m fine the way I am.”
“But …”
Leaning into the chair I touch my hands together in front of my chest. “I’m fine, Alice. I won’t be needing a new trainer because as soon as my contracts are done I’m retiring.”
“Don’t be silly. He’s the right man if you need to lose a few pounds …”
“Did you hear anything I said?” I stop her from her blabbing. “I’m retiring.”
“You can’t be serious. You are only twenty-seven years old.”
“I’m also in this business for way too long. I’m done.”
“But what about …?”
I stand from my chair and look down at her.
She’s in her early forties but she tries to look half her age. It’s obvious in the way she’s obsessed with her appearance and clothes. For the first time ever, I realize she’s afraid of getting older and I pity her.
Beauty is passing.
Superficial.
I’ve been living in the world of beauty for far too long no to see the darkness that hides behind it. Everything’s great as long as you are standing in the spotlight, but as soon as you come out of it you lose yourself in the shadows.
In your insecurities.
In your fears.
Dark swallows you whole.
And there is no returning from that.
“I’m done,” I whisper the words to her.
I could tell her that she should think about it too before she loses even more of herself to the dark, but for that, I would have to believe she would listen to me. Which I know she won’t, so I simply get up and leave her office.
“You are unusually quiet.”
“I just have a lot on my mind.” I smile at my sister standing next to me.
She cooked the Thanksgiving meal, so I couldn’t let her do all the cleanup after dinner too.
“Are you worried about quitting your job?”
Of course, I told my sister about my decision to retire from the modeling world. We have always been close, and I needed to know what she thought about my decision.
Nothing she said could change my mind, but I had to know what she thinks. Lisa was always there when I needed advice growing up, so it felt natural to share this with her too.
“Partly, but not as much as I was before,” I confess, concentrating on drying the dishes. “I realized I don’t need to make a decision right away. I’ll take some time off and then see what will happen, but I think I know what I want to do.”
“You’ll take over Mom’s dance school,” Lisa nods her head in approval.
“How did you …?”
“Oh, please. Like that’s something unexpected.” She rolls her eyes at me.
“It was unexpected for me!” I protest.
How is it that she knew something I myself didn’t know until recently? Maybe it’s that Mom-only-intuition-kind-of-thing. I don’t know, but it’s creeping me out.
Lisa laughs at my words and looking at her looks like looking at my reflection. Her brown almond eyes sparkle in mischief, her full red lips are curled in a wide smile. Now that I cut off my blond tips our hair is the same length and color.
I was playing with the idea of adding some honey highlights to lighten up my brown hair, but I didn’t make any decision just yet. Soon.
“Don’t be silly, Si. You’ve spent more time in that dance school than anyone else except Mom. She always wanted you to have it. The only reason she kept it after retiring is because she was holding onto hope that you’ll change your mind someday.”
The last thing I wanted after everything played out with Luke was to dance. I stayed away from the whole dancing scene a couple of years, but in the end, my love for dance won over and I started practicing again.
When Mom was retiring she didn’t say anything about me taking over. Not out loud, but it could be assumed from the context she meant it.
For nineteen years, dance was my life. The first thing I thought about when I woke up and the last thing on my mind before falling asleep was dance, but I wasn’t sure it was enough. Most people that own dance schools go to college and dance professionally before going into teaching. And the last thing I wanted was to destroy something my mom built because of my selfishness.
Now, I don’t feel that way. Am I scared? Yes, I’m scared shitless. Harriet Roberts is one of the best dance instructors out there. She’s calm and graceful, patient and loving. She loves those girls not because they decided to dance, but despite that. That’s a lot to live up to. But I learned from the best, and I can only hope I’ll be half the woman my mother is.
“I guess she was right.”
An unladylike snort comes out of Lisa’s mouth. “When she isn’t right?”
“You are right.” I chuckle lightly.
“So, if not work, what has been bothering you?”
Realizing she won’t give up that easily I take a deep breath in and lean against the counter. “It’s about a man.”
“Ohh, here we go. Should I bring out vodka?”
“Don’t tempt me,” I warn her before telling her all about J.D.
How we met, our arrangement, the shift between us before Luke came back into my life and made me rethink everything.
“You can’t give that bastard a power over you, Si! What happened is in the past and you have to move on. He’s obviously still the jackass he was before, but you don’t need to be that scared little girl. You are stronger than that. You deserve happiness and love in your life. You deserve a man who’ll give you that and so much more.”
“That’s exactly what Bel said,” I whisper. “I’m just scared. He has a lot on his plate right now and I don’t expect him to wait for me to get my shit together.”
“If he has so much going on right now, he probably won’t have time to move on. But you can’t expect the guy to wait forever.”
“I know. I just need a little bit more of time.”
My big sister comes to me and wraps her hands around me, pulling me in for a hug. “Don’t take too long. Don’t let the fear stop you from getting the best thing that happened to you.”
“How can you know he’s the best thing that happened to me if you never met the guy?”
“I see how you talk about him. That’s enough.”
“Why are we here again?” I look at my friend that’s standing next to me.
William is more engrossed in what’s inside of his glass than in what’s happening around us.
It’s New Year’s Eve and some guys from the team decided to throw a house party. I didn’t feel like going, but both William and I have been out of it for weeks now. For the five seconds that took me to agree I thought this was a good idea. Now looking around me, I don’t know what was I thinking when I said yes.
Instead of sitting on the couch with junk food—if the end of the year doesn’t call for a cheat day I don’t know what does—and watching TV with Grace I’m stuck in a monkey suit with a room full of people I don’t want to talk to.
I’m so desperate I’d probably watch that vampire TV show Grace loves so much.
“You are the one who invited me to come so you should tell me.”
We are one miserable pair.
We are standing by the bar, both of us with glasses filled with a good three fingers of amber liquid—why bother filling the glass every thirty seconds, right?—silently observing the party.
The room is filled with people. Athletes, celebrities, coaches, actors, singers … take your pick. It’s stuffy and high class and I hate every second of it.
Was it like this the last year? I don’t remember feeling this down, nor this need to drink down the bottle
of Jack in one swallow. Then again, last year I had Sienna by my side. She drank enough for the both of us and she kept me on my toes.
Memories of the last year wash over me and I tilt what’s left in the glass down my throat. The fire in my throat burning the pain in my heart.
“What the hell happened to us, Shelton?” Will asks in a low voice then takes a sip from his own glass, letting the liquid burn in his throat. “Once we were the life of the party, always motivating the crowd and having women hang off of us.”
“I don’t have any fucking idea Price, no fucking idea.”
For a while, we drink in silence. Once the glasses are empty, William refills them without asking.
“What happened with you and Sienna?”
His question doesn’t surprise me. It was only matter of time.
That day he stormed into my house telling me they are gone—both Anabel and Sienna—I gave him a vague answer. I didn’t feel like talking about it. Talking about it meant remembering it. Remembering it brings out feeling that are better closed off in a box.
I don’t want to answer him now, either. I don’t want to think or talk about her, but maybe I should. We never talk about our feelings—men don’t do that mushy, emotional shit—but maybe it’ll do me some good.
“Nothing. We were just fuck buddies.”
William laughs out loud. He seems surprised by his own reaction, but he doesn’t stop. “Fuck buddies my ass. I haven’t seen you with another woman for months, so don’t give me that crap.”
“Maybe I’m just busy, with Grace and—”
“Maybe you are just giving me crap. I know you, man—you like her.”
“Just like you like Anabel?” I taunt him.
Will looks into his glass, slowly swirling the amber liquid. When he finally lifts his gaze, he looks me square in the eyes before answering. “I don’t just like her.” The moment I comprehend the meaning behind his words my eyes grow wide. I want to say something, but think better of it and drink up. “I love her, J.D.,” he says simply, like it’s as natural as breathing. “I love her, and I hate her.” Then he swallows the rest of his drink.
“When the hell did that happen?” I ask loudly. I can see a few heads looking our way, but I don’t give a shit what they think. I dare them to come and say something.
“I don’t know, somewhere along the way. Hell, as far as I know, it could have happened the same night we met in the club.”
“Then what went wrong? Why isn’t your little Tinkerbell with you?”
Something passes through his eyes. Hurt. Pain.
“I don’t know. She just …” He frowns. “Disappeared. She left me, and now she isn’t answering my calls.”
I nod in understanding and pour more liquid in both of our glasses. Exactly what Sienna did. “They are all the same, bro, all the same.”
“Miss Roberts.” I smile at my doorman. Adam has been working security in my building since I moved here and I like him a lot. “We are so happy to have you back.”
“I’m happy to be home, Adam. Was everything okay while I was away?”
He nods his head. “Yes. I’ll bring you your mail later when you settle in.”
“Oh, no worries. I’ll come for it once I settle in, thank you.” I start toward the elevators when his voice stops me.
“Miss Roberts, somebody has been here asking for you.”
My heart kicks a notch in my chest. My family knew I was away and we talked on the phone at least once a week, so it couldn’t be them. Did he try to come and talk to me?
“Mr. Price …” My traitorous heart falls down from its high of hope. But soon anger replaces it. “He came in quite a few times if I may add. Asking around for you and when you’ll come home.”
“I’ll take care of it. Thank you, Adam.”
I don’t knock or ring the bell; I storm in like I own the place.
I’m not sure what I would have done if the door was locked. Most likely I’d hit my head pretty hard. There was no stopping me.
Will stops whatever he’s been doing and looks at me in surprise. The need to punch him in the face hard and maybe break his nose in the process is strong, but I contain myself. I had my nails done while I was visiting Bel in Croatia; they are so pretty I don’t want to risk breaking them.
The sports bag he’s holding in his hand falls on the floor with a loud thud and his mouth hangs open.
“You’re back,” he whispers quietly.
“My doorman informed me that you stalked me and he was so worried that he almost called the police,” my voice is icy. There is anger boiling beneath the surface waiting to explode. “Can you explain that to me, Price?”
“Where is Anabel?” he demands, getting back his control.
Where is Anabel? What?
“Why would you care?” His question surprises me, but I don’t want to let him know that.
I’m confused. As far as I know when Anabel left that day to his place she went to tell him the truth. That she’s going back to Croatia and that she’s in love with him.
She came back in the middle of the night, crying. She never told me why, though. I assumed it’s because he didn’t want to do the whole long-distance thing.
What the hell really happened that day?
“I don’t know,” he says as he turns around, kicking his bag out of the way in frustration and anger, and starts walking toward his living room window. “Maybe because she came here four months ago, we fooled around like always and then I kissed her, she kissed me back, and we ended up in my bed.”
I inhale sharply and she turns around to look at me.
That is so not what I expected. Not after Bel told me she didn’t sleep with him for all those months she was in The States.
“And then she was just …” he snaps his fingers once slowly. The sound lingers in the living room. “Gone.”
The silence falls upon us.
She didn’t tell him the truth. Bel came there to have that one last night with him. One last memory to take home.
What a stupid, stupid woman.
“So, would you mind explaining that to me, Sienna?”
I shake my head at his words.
“She didn’t tell me,” I finally utter, my voice low and rough. “She never told me what happened that night. I just thought … I suppose I put you in a category with all the other stupid assholes who break womens’ hearts.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Sy-Sy,” he mutters dryly.
“Hey, it’s not my problem most men are heartless dickheads.”
I throw myself onto the couch. My elbows on my knees and my chin in my hands. I’m looking right in front of me, lost in my thoughts as I try to remember what exactly happened that day.
From the corner of my eye, I can see Will sit next to me and wait. His foot is nervously tapping the floor, but he doesn’t say a word.
“We came to your game but left soon after it was over. She came to my place, to spend the night,” I say quietly after a while. “The next day we both had flights.”
He lifts his head to look at me, but his fingers still trace the ring on his pinkie.
Anabel’s ring, I realize.
Brown eyes look at me with hope. Hope that maybe I’ll give him what he’s been searching for all these months. Some kind of answer. An explanation that all of this has been one big misunderstanding.
But I can’t. Because this is real. She walked away. She went home without saying a word to him.
“I traveled to California for work,” I say, shaking my head in pity. “She …” I swallow hard. The words don’t want to come out of my mouth, but I can’t stop them. I have to tell him the truth. “Anabel went home, Will. She went back to Croatia.”
There is so much emotion in his eyes that I have to look away.
Hurt. Grief. Disappointment. Hate. Love.
It’s all mixed up inside him and I’m scared he’ll break right in front of my eyes.
“She left this for me, you
know.” Will lifts his hand and shows me the ring. “She loves me. I know she does. She’s just too stubborn to accept anyone’s help.”
What he’s telling me is the truth. Anabel is too stubborn for her own good. She lost the only man she loved because of her stubbornness. But I don’t tell him that. I don’t know what to tell him to ease his pain.
“I’m not giving up on her, Sy-Sy.” His words surprise me. “She can run as far as she can but I’ll find her and I’ll make her see my way. She and I … We belong together.”
Small smile forms on my lips. “I’ll help you find her.”
Will nods his head and bends down to get his stuff. “He misses you, you know.”
His words stop me in my tracks. Longing spreads through me, but I stuff the plug back into the bottle to keep it at bay.
“You should call him.”
I shut my eyes closed and take one deep breath in, trying to rein in my emotions. “I don’t think that’s the best idea.”
“No, it’s not,” he agrees.
“Then why …”
“But usually the worst ideas are the ones that turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to the person.” William holds onto the front door and looks over his shoulder at me. “You both are so fucked up—and you don’t bring two fucked up people together—but the way you make him smile. Nobody else can give him that kind of happiness.”
“Hey, Gracie! I’ll be going but …” I look at the empty room.
The bed is made, there are no clothes on the floor or the chair and everything is generally put in place.
I haven’t seen this room messy once. Grace always appreciated everything she got and took great care of the things that were given to her because she didn’t have much before she came here. There were times I had to fight her to get her something because she thought she didn’t need it.
But today something feels off. Everything is too neat. I step into the room to take a better look around.
There isn’t a book waiting for her to read on the nightstand. Her backpack that usually sat on the chair or on the floor next to the desk is nowhere to be seen. Usually, there are some CD’s next to the stereo but there are nowhere in sight.