Angst

by Victoria Sawyer

  “Who’s that?” I ask, my curiosity getting the better of me as I examine the girl, trying to determine how I must compare to her blonde petite good looks.

  “That’s my ex-girlfriend Kelly,” he replies. “I really ought to get rid of that one, but I still like it because of all my friends.” I shrug, as if to tell Jared it isn’t a big deal, when secretly I’m studying this girl as a clue to what Jared is all about. She’s pretty, very pretty, and I wonder how I can possibly compare to her golden good looks. Uggg, I force myself to look at other parts of the room so it doesn’t appear that I’m staring.

  Hannah and Andy are sitting on Andy’s bed talking quietly. The room is really great, such a guy’s room, with sports jerseys, dirty socks on the floor and an array of art paraphernalia and photography equipment on Andy’s side. Andy gets up to show Hannah an old fashioned camera.

  “That’s very cool,” I say looking at the camera as I turn to see Jared watching me. “What?” I ask finding his eyes on mine.

  “Nothin,” he replies with a grin as he pulls the Lego bin out further into the room. “You up for playing some Legos for a few minutes until we have to go back downstairs and mingle with my aunts and uncles and cousins and friends and everyone else in the world?”

  “I’d love to,” I reply folding my legs underneath myself as I sit on the wood floor. I laugh as Jared brings out all his Legos. He has pirate Legos, horse Legos, boats, carriages, moon men, space rockets and more.

  “Wow, you really were into this, huh?!” I ask, amazed at his collection.

  “Yeah, I love this stuff,” he says putting two blue interlocking pieces together in a partially made space craft. I pick up a long thin board.

  “I always enjoyed making houses. You know how girls are with playing house,” I say, putting blocks together, gathering up windows and doors for my design. We work in companionable silence as Andy and Hannah chat. Jared, his spacecraft complete, gets it ready for takeoff, running on an imaginary runway and swooping into the air. It twists and turns in midflight and then takes a nose dive right at my semi-complete Lego mansion.

  “Bombs away,” he says, dropping Legos on top of my unfinished design.

  “Hey, hey, hey!” I say, swatting his hands away. “Boys always were no fun to play with,” I say, pretending to pout. “I was just going to put in a new bathroom and you had to go and ruin everything.” Jared reaches over chucking Legos at me, as I giggle and throw some at him, until it’s a full-on war, Legos flying everywhere.

  “Hey, children, you’re really making a big mess over there and someone might have to go into time out,” says Andy, towering over us. I laugh and get to my feet.

  “Okay okay, truce,” I say, putting my hand out to Jared. He grabs my hand, pulling me back down beside him and on top of my Lego house. “Ouch!” I say as it breaks into two pieces. “Bully!” I giggle as I try to punch him in the arm. I love how we were being immature and ridiculous. Hannah and Andy glare at us like vengeful parents.

  “I think it’s time to go downstairs to appease the ‘real’ parental units,” says Andy, watching balefully as Jared and I scurry to pick up the errant Legos from around the room. “Besides Seth, Ian and Samantha are supposed to be here soon.”

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah, dad,” says Jared, straightening his shirt and helping me to my feet. “Let’s go…”

  Back downstairs, the living room and dining room are more crowded than ever, guests spilling into every room, their faces alight with pleasure over the food, warmth and softly playing music. Jared and Andy squire us around, introducing us to aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, second cousins, aunts and uncles who are really cousins but are the same age as their parents. My head spins with the many names and faces.

  Suddenly after being introduced to their Aunt Mavis, my attention focuses inside and I think, wow I haven’t freaked out all night long, it’s amazing, but what if I did freak out…now? What if I go crazy now? What if I get sick? Would everyone know? Would his family make fun of me? Would he hate me? And with these racing thoughts, come the feelings, instantaneous, flashing over me like lightning, heat rushing to my cheeks setting them on fire and my belly tightening deep inside and I feel like I’m going to throw up. I’m trembling, holding my cup and plate, staring intently at Aunt Mavis’ white pearl earrings and her jowly chin, glazing over, living inside my own head, nodding to what I assume she’s telling me. I can’t hear her. I can’t hear a thing, except the screaming thoughts. I. Am. Crazy. I. Am. Sick! Embarrassment. Is. Assured!

  I’m going to throw up, I can feel the bile rising in my throat, I can feel the churning cutting pain in my stomach. I need to escape. How can I politely walk away? Jared has left me here, talking with his aunt, nodding my head dumbly, smiling like a fool, barely noticing when she pauses as if I’m supposed to say something. I just keep on smiling with vacant eyes, my limbs quivering. Run away.

  “Excuse me,” I finally gasp out, rushing out of the room without looking back. If I don’t see her surprised expression, perhaps it won’t really exist? I rush into the bathroom in the hall and shut the door, leaning against it for a moment, gazing at my terrified face in the mirror. I have just realized that I am trapped. Hannah and I rode together. There is no escape unless I ruin her night as well as my own. I am trapped! I cannot leave without dragging her away. My heart thuds, boom, boom, boom and my stomach turns over and over again. I rush to the toilet, trying to hold back, but I can’t and now I am regurgitating everything I have eaten all night long into the toilet bowl. I. Am. Disgusting. I gag, trying to swallow, realizing I cannot brush my teeth because I don’t have a toothbrush with me. I just kneel there on the floor, elbows on the toilet seat, staring at the white emptiness of the lid before me. I’m hateful. I don’t deserve to live.

  A knock comes at the door. “Anyone in there?”

  “Just a minute,” I gasp out weakly, struggling to pull myself up. I feel like I might hurl again or something worse. Please no, please no, please no. I’ve managed to get myself standing, body weak, swaying like a tree with no roots, nothing to support me. This is his house. Don’t be sick. Fuck. You. I walk to the sink like a wooden doll, stiff, my equilibrium all off, and rinse out my mouth. The taste is horrible. My stomach churns again. I can’t hide out in here all night. I can’t monopolize the bathroom. With this thought the feelings flash over me again, hot and roiling.

  After a few more moments, I know I have to leave. I grab my purse and open the door and am out as quickly as possible, not even looking at the person waiting in the hallway. Escape is all I can do. I’m walking down the hallway now, as fast as I can without running or making a very obvious scene. Now through the (thank-God) empty kitchen and finally out on the porch where my coat is hanging. Now my coat is on and I’m outside, around the side of the house following a path to the far side of the barn. Alone.

  It’s freezing outside, a dusting of snow on the frozen ground, and I lean against the barn, my hands stuffed into my pockets. My breath is coming in little cloudy gasps and my stomach is aching fiercely. Finally I squat down, hoping my stomach will feel better if I crouch into more of a fetal position. I’ve got my head in my hands and I can’t believe this is my life. This is me. I hate me. I need to leave, but I can’t. I can’t go back inside. I can’t face Jared or Hannah or Andy or anyone normal. I need to get into my car and drive away from this place, leave my insanity, but I know it will look even more fucked up if I do that. I can’t leave Hannah here. So I just sit there in the cold, I’m shivering now, holding back tears, wanting to sob. There are too many people inside, too many pairs of eyes to witness my breakdown. I can’t go back in there, I will feel claustrophobic, trapped, smothered in the sickeningly sweet, warm, fresh baked cookie smell, pressed in upon by so many people all watching me lose my cool in front of him. How could I ever have thought this would be a good idea? How could I have let myself come here? I don’t deserve to be liked by anyone.

  Suddenly I hear a voice. “Victoria? Vic
toria?” It sounds like Hannah. I gasp, pulling myself upright, stretching out my tense stomach, my hands quivering even harder now. I have to walk around the corner. Let my presence be known or else Hannah will think I’m a freak hiding out here alone.

  “Over here, Hannah,” I say wearily, my mind racing to come up with a reason for why I might be here near the barn. I walk back over the frozen ground toward the front door and Hannah is standing there without her coat, shivering.

  “There you are!” she says with surprise, “I’ve been looking all over for you and the last place I thought you would be was outside, but then I noticed your coat was missing.”

  “I thought I lost my keys so I came out here to find them,” I lie, “But they were in my bag all along. Silly me.”

  “Oh,” she says and then hurries on, “Come on, Andy and Jared want us to go downstairs to hang with Seth, Ian and Samantha and I had to find you.”

  “Ok,” I say, following her into the house, climbing back into the prison of my mind, and now it’s worse than before. Sick, sick, sick, following my executioner. Poor Hannah has no idea. I follow her down the hallway and finally down the basement stairs where Andy, Jared and everyone else is hanging out.

  The basement is a long room that is finished off and serves as a kind of family room with a large TV and several different gaming stations. Racks and bookcases hold DVD’s, games, and more. There are two couches facing the TV. Jared and Andy are leaned back on one while Ian, Samantha and Seth are on the other. Everyone is talking and the TV is on.

  As soon as I get to the landing, Andy is up and handing Hannah and I each a beer and I quickly take two huge sips, secretly swishing the acidic beer to get the gross taste out of my mouth. The guys have been playing quarters and drinking and Samantha smiles and waves at me as I take a seat on the arm of the couch next to Hannah.

  “Let’s go outside and smoke this roach,” Andy declares and everyone seems game, filing out the basement door and into the cold air. I don’t have my coat now, but I don’t really care, hugging myself to keep warm, secretly guzzling my beer. The roach passes around and I take a hit, just enough to feel a little high to go with my beer. Thank you illegal drugs and alcohol, again.

  “We should play f-in Mario Kart, bitches,” says Andy as soon as the roach is gone, and he’s pulling open the door to the basement, everyone following him back inside except Jared and me. I feel a little awkward out here with him since I have no idea how he feels about me, but part of me is kind of thrilled too. I lean against the stone of the basement and casually drink my beer and Jared does the same, until he finally breaks the silence.

  “You look really pretty tonight, Vicky,” he says with a smile, looking at me quickly out of the corner of his eye before looking out over the landscape of field and trees covered with a dusting of snow.

  “Thanks,” I say casually, not sure where else to take this, but obviously I’m melting inside that he complimented me. I guess my warming face is saying something different because he continues on.

  “Hey, don’t act like no one ever tells you that,” he says looking at me again for a second with a grin. I smile back.

  “No one tells me that,” I say looking at the ground, scuffing my shoe in the snow. But then I realize that people do tell me that, but it never feels like this. It never feels real or solid. It never feels true. But for some reason when he tells me, it feels authentic. I smile up at him.

  “I’d tell you that you look good too but I know it will only inflate that conceited head of yours.”

  “Wow, thanks, Victoria,” he says, “I know you think I’m some kind of ego-maniac but I’m really not. I just know that I’m totally amazing and awesome. It’s just truth. I’m like Chuck Norris or something.” I burst out laughing at this and roll my eyes.

  “Yeah I’m sure that you’re so awesome, you can roundhouse kick yourself in the face,” I reply and he just looks at me, fake-shocked.

  “How dare you!?”

  I laugh.

  “So hey, yeah, how’s the art and Pink Floyd coming along?” he asks and I smile.

  “Pretty good. I think I’m gonna get some art supplies for Christmas from my parents so I can start on a new series. I really need some new paper because it’s super expensive and I think they’re getting me some.”

  “Cool. You should draw me something since I don’t have an artistic bone in my body. I can only do stick figures. Andy used to make fun of me so badly when he’d see my drawings. He’d point at them and ask me what each thing was and just laugh and laugh. Asshole,” he says pretending to cough the word, “Yeah… I’d love to see your stuff sometime.”

  “Yeah, that would be cool,” I say and I can’t stop smiling. “Maybe I can do a portrait of how awesome you are. You know science geek with a big…uhh…brain, lady killer, Irish stallion, mechanic. You know…all the good points.” I don’t laugh, just keep a straight face and he glares at me trying to hold back the twitch of his mouth, taking another sip of his beer to cover it up. God, I want him. I want him to ask me out again. I want him to make plans. I want him to kiss me.

  “So…What are you taking next semester? I’m taking all boring stuff. Engineering. It’s seriously really hard, but I force myself through it.”

  “Well, you’re wicked smaaaaat, kid,” I say with a Boston accent and he laughs.

  “Yeah I mostly pretend to be smart…I’m really a complete idiot,” he says, his eyes sparkling.

  “No, no, you’re smart, smarter than me. I can’t handle that sciencey bullshit,” I say, taking a quick swig of my beer and then continuing on. “I’m taking mostly gen-eds, Drawing, Earth History, Western Civ and Intro to Poetry. It’s gonna be all papers. I kind of suck at poetry though. Well….usually I think my stuff is good, but no one else does.”

  “I’ll bet it’s pretty good, Straight Up English Major,” he says with a smile and then leans down conspiratorially. “Hey…you any good at Mario Kart?”

  “Hells yes. I used to kick my little bro’s ass at that game all the time when we were younger.”

  His eyes go wide. “Uh oh…I’m kind of out of practice,” he replies and holds open the door for me as we walk back inside.

  Once inside with everyone else I’m slowly able to let go of my panic. It’s still there under the radar, a quivery jittery mess, but for the time being I’m able to forget for a few seconds what happened earlier. I’m trying to lose myself in the game and in conversation with everyone around me. It’s sort of working.

  We play Mario Kart and I’m having fun, but it still a relief when finally I look up at the clock above the TV and notice that it’s now 10:00.

  “Hannah, I think we should head out.”

  “Yeah, I guess you’re right,” she says stretching her sore muscles from sitting in the same position for so long.

  “We’ve definitely over stayed our welcome, especially since we’ve been kicking your asses something fierce at Mario!” Jared and Andy look crestfallen, their faces a hilarious study in sadness, while Ian and Seth grin.

  “I guess we have to start playing more, Andy, our skills are rusty,” says Jared with an exaggerated sigh, jumping to his feet.

  “Yeah we’re really out of practice. We suck,” moans Andy, making his sad face more dramatic. Hannah and I laugh, say goodbye to Samantha, Ian, and Seth and tease them all the way up the stairs. When we finally enter the kitchen, I note that the majority of the guests are gone with only a few people sitting in the living room drinking coffee and chatting quietly. Hannah and I make our goodbyes with Jared and Andy’s parents and are finally shrugging into our coats in the entry way. Jared pulls me to the side for a moment as Andy puts his arm around Hannah and she leans her head against his shoulder with a smile.

  “I had fun with you tonight, Vicky, we should get together over break. Can I call you?,” he asks, pulling me in for a quick hug.

  “Yea, sure,” I reply, turning my face toward him, looking up as I move out of his embrace, but he doesn�
��t move to kiss me, just smiles, and as I turn away he puts his hand on the small of my back sending a shiver of pleasure up my spine as Hannah and I walk toward the door.

  Outside in the cold air, Hannah and I make our way to my car and I feel a bit disappointed. The night had been okay. Good and bad. I’m happy that I had the chance to see Jared, but disappointed that nothing happened between us except for him telling me he thought I looked pretty, although he did ask if he could call me, so that is something. For some reason I always associate physical stuff with us moving forward, and since it isn’t happening, I’m not sure what to think. It’s weird that we fooled around at the beginning and now, nothing. And of course in the back of my mind I’m really upset I freaked out. It had been a close call, an almost disaster.

  December 31, 2004

  I’ve cheated on you a lot since then

  Christmas has come and gone and now Amanda and I are on our way to a party at my co-worker Anne’s house. I’m driving, lost in my thoughts as Amanda and I lapse into a momentary silence. All I can think about is Jared and the fact that he hasn’t called me. Not once. It’s been 19 days. And yes, I’ve been counting. I really thought he was going to call me, I thought maybe we had finally made a connection or that he was interested in me. I guess I was wrong. I guess the fact that he didn’t kiss me was a sign.

  I turn off 155 and realize we’re almost at Anne’s house. Anne’s a girl I work with in the booth. She’s 21, has her own apartment and this is the third or fourth time I’ve been to a party at her place. Anne’s wicked cool, the kind of person who is super social, talks a lot, and always has something funny to say. Several other girls from the booth will be there, as well as the possibility that my Cheater-Ex Nick might be there. I’m not really sure if I want to see him. I’ve seen him around work, but we haven’t said a word to one another since last summer. It’ll be awkward, but I am kind of excited for Amanda to see him.