by Naomi Niles
Sam laughed. “Well you make a compelling case, Renni.” Then he looked towards me as though asking for permission before he gave her a yes. I smiled and nodded and then Sam turned to her. “I would love to play hooky with you guys!”
“Yes!” she screamed, making another little jump for joy.
“Well, you just let me know what you want to do today and I’m all yours,” Sam told her.
“Anything I want?” she asked, and I knew she was leading him into a trap.
“Yup,” Sam nodded. “You can make a list.”
I smiled as she clapped her hands together. “Okay.”
“Sweetheart, why don’t you go and get some clothes on-”
“And make my list?” Renni reminded me.
“Of course,” I nodded. “That, too.”
As Renni headed towards her room in a hurry, I focused my attention on Sam. He was starting after her with a strange look in his eyes. It was hard to place, but it looked distinctly familiar to me.
“Hi,” I said, reaching out and taking his hand.
When his eyes met mine, they looked serious and somber.
“What’s got you down?” I asked gently.
“I… Well…”
“Sit down and talk to me,” I encouraged.
We sat down together at the kitchen table, but Sam refused to let go of my hand. “There was a fire last night,” he began.
I looked over him urgently. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” he rushed to assure me. “Don’t worry about me. But…it was a pretty big fire and there was a little girl stuck inside the building.”
“No!” I said horrified, my thoughts immediately flew to Renni. “Is she…”
“She’s fine,” Sam said quickly. “I managed to get her out in time.”
“Wow,” I breathed. “Sam, that’s great news. But why do you look so…haunted?”
His hazel eyes were soft and thoughtful. “I’ve done this a thousand times before, Mia,” he told me. “I’ve pulled dozens of people, children included, from burning buildings and vehicles and everything in between. It’s never fazed me before. I’ve always had a clear head and a straight way forward. But yesterday was different.”
“Why was it different?”
“Because I kept thinking of that little girl, but I kept seeing Renni, instead.”
I gave him a soft smile and squeezed his hand.
“I don’t know,” Sam continued. “It was like… I’ve never really been scared before, you know. But yesterday, I couldn’t get the fear out of my head. I just kept thinking that if I didn’t save her, then…”
“Hey,” I said, bringing his eyes up to meet my own. “It’s normal to feel that way, Sam. I feel that way all the time. Even when she’s safe and happy and right in front of me, sometimes I get scared. It’s how parents usually feel about their kids.”
Right on the heels of that sentence, I realized what I had seen and what this must mean to Sam. It was significant because he had been a single man with no responsibilities. And now, he was starting to see Renni through paternal eyes. And then it hit me. That look in his eyes was familiar because I had seen it in Clint’s eyes.
The thought choked me up and I felt moisture prick at the corners of my eyes. Was it possible that Sam could really think of Renni that way? He was so young, four years younger than I was. Could he really want the responsibility of taking on a woman with a child?
“Mia?”
“Yes?” I said, blinking back my tears.
“I really care about you,” he said emphatically.
“I know,” I said, with a smile.
“And, I really care about Renni, too,” he said. “Which is why…after yesterday… I just wanted to see you both. Is that silly?”
“Of course not,” I said. “It’s beautiful. I love that you’re here. And, I love how much you care about Renni. I couldn’t have done this if I didn’t feel a connection there between the two of you.”
At that moment, Renni came rushing out of her room in blue jeans, a pink t-shirt, and a piece of paper in hand. She presented it to Sam and me as though it were a prize. It took only once glance to know that Renni had packed the day full of activities. I smiled and turned to Sam with raised eyebrows.
“You might need another day off after today,” I said teasingly.
Sam stared at the list and started reading it out one by one. “The zoo, the aquarium, the park with the pink swings, the big wheel downtown, the candy shop with the purple unicorns, the place with the yellow boots…”
He looked up at me in confusion.
I laughed. “Renni doesn’t always know the names of places.”
“Mommy knows,” she said happily.
“I do,” I nodded. “But, sweetheart, you’ve got a lot of activities on this list… I don’t know if we’ll be able to do them all.”
“Sam said we could,” Renni said, turning to him.
Sam stared at the paper a moment longer and then he turned to me. “We can do this.”
“We can?” I asked.
“Definitely,” he nodded. “It’s just a matter of hustling.”
I laughed. “Do we have time for breakfast?”
“There’s always time for breakfast, Mommy,” Renni said, shaking her head at me.
“I stand corrected,” I laughed as I got to my feet and started cracking eggs into a bowl.
“This will go quicker if we both help, right, Renni?” Sam asked.
“Uh-huh,” she nodded, grabbing a chair and pulling it towards the counter where everything was laid out.
We spent a happy half hour putting together a breakfast with far too many options. It was clear that Sam and Renni had a sort of magical synergy together. They just blended well, as though they had known each other for years. I could see the bond between them cement itself in familiarity and domesticity, and my heart ached a little.
I had always imagined this exact scene, but there had been another man standing in Sam’s place. It was unfortunate, it was sad and it was tragic, but there was no way around that. Life was cruel and sometimes things changed drastically. I was just thankful that Renni wouldn’t miss out on certain things because of it.
I stood back for a moment and watched the two of them together. Then, on a whim, I went to my room and got out my camera. I hadn’t used it in awhile and the battery was dangerously low, but there was enough juice left for one or two pictures. I snuck back into the kitchen and aimed my lens at the two of them.
I took three pictures of them before the battery died, but it was enough. I didn’t know if we would always be like this. I didn’t know if Sam would always be around. But I wanted those three pictures, anyway.
It was about more than just the moment. It was about more than just Sam. It was about hope.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Sam
It seemed even fire fighting hadn’t prepared me for the vigors of having a five year old. Renni was non-stop and seemed to have an endless reserve of energy. Just when I thought she was winding down, something else caught her eye and hurricane Renni would drag along Mia and me. And despite the fact that I was struggling to keep up, I was having a blast!
After a morning running around the museum and then the zoo, we found ourselves in the cooling comfort of the aquarium. Renni ran along ahead of us, while Mia followed behind hand in hand.
It was a new experience for me and I realized how much I had missed out on by staying away from committed relationships. There was something to the connection there. Casual flings were all about sex, but relationships were all about feelings. And, I was starting to realize how intense those feelings could be.
“You know there are more activities on her list right?” Mia reminded me.
I laughed. “How do you do this on a daily basis?”
“I don’t,” she replied. “I curb her in. But every once in awhile, I let her do exactly what she wants.”
“Forget me, you’re the real fire fighter.”<
br />
“Most mothers are,” she nodded. “We’re all juggling a hundred things at the same time…half of us without partners.”
I nodded. “Can I ask you…about Renni’s father?”
I wasn’t sure Mia wanted to talk about him, but I felt like it needed to be spoken about. I was spending a lot of time with his daughter, and I felt a strange type of kinship with him.
“His name was Clint,” Mia said without hesitation. “He was my college boyfriend.”
“You met him as a freshman?”
“Yes,” she nodded. “He was a junior at the time, and we clicked right away.”
“Tell me about how you met him,” I said.
“You want to know?” she asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Actually, I do,” I nodded. “He was your husband, and he is the father of your child. He will always be an important part of your life, and I want to make sure I know him, too…for Renni.”
She smiled at me as though she were touched by my words. Her eyes were far away for a moment, as though they were collecting memories to share with me. I let her take her time.
“We were at a party, Vanessa and I,” Mia started. “It was probably the fifth party we’d hit in two days, and I was over it. I just wanted to sleep, to be honest. So while Vanessa was hooking up with a frat boy, I bowed out and headed back to my dorm. It was such a lovely night that I decided to just walk around a little bit. That’s when I ran into Clint.
“He had this long board thing and was running it down one of the hills by the dorms. He was sledding in summer, and I couldn’t help but watch him.”
“He was alone?” I asked.
“Completely alone,” she nodded. “And having a blast. I was the one who approached him and asked if I could have a go. We spent an hour sliding down the hills in front of Rennington Dormitory. Which is where Renni got her name.”
“Rennington,” I repeated.
“We scrapped the last couple of letters and went with Renni,” Mia nodded. “After the place where we met. We figured it worked for a girl or a boy.”
I smiled. “What happened after?”
“We starting dating,” she replied. “In fact, we always considered that night to be our first official date. He walked me to my dorm afterwards and kissed me goodnight. It didn’t feel like we’d only just met.”
“That’s a nice story,” I said. “It’s ironic, really…”
“What it?”
“How much I like him,” I admitted. “I guess the ironic part is that if he were here, I probably wouldn’t like him very much at all.”
Mia smiled. “If he were here, you and I would have no reason to be together. We might not have crossed paths at all.”
“We would have,” I said. “Because of the accident.”
“You don’t know that,” she pointed out. “There is such a thing as the butterfly effect, remember? If Clint had been alive, then maybe he would have been the one driving. He might have taken a different route or escaped that patch of black ice. We might have left a little later or a little earlier. The accident might never have happened in the first place.”
I considered that for a moment, and I realized she was right. The thought of never having met or known Mia or Renni was abhorrent. It felt wrong.
“I know that accident was terrifying for you and Renni, but would you judge me if I told you that for me it was a blessing in disguise?”
Mia smiled. “I understand what you mean.”
“Tell me more about your life before me,” I prompted Mia. “About Clint and your marriage and about Renni’s birth.”
Mia clung to my hand and started talking. “Clint was two years older than me. Once he was done with school, he got a small place near college and I moved out of my dorm and into his place. I had just started my first internship after graduation when I discovered I was pregnant. Obviously, it wasn’t planned, and it put a wrench in the works.”
I smiled. “What was the plan?”
“I was going to get some experience, build up my resume, and start at a prominent law firm,” she explained. “Clint was hoping to climb to an executive post in five years. Then we were going to get married and start a family four years later.”
“Wow…that’s specific.”
She laughed. “When I think of that plan, I can’t help laughing… It was so naïve to think everything would go so perfectly. But in the end, it didn’t matter. There was never a question of keeping the baby once we knew I was pregnant. We just had to move our plans up a bit. We got married in town hall a month after we found out. I was three and a half months pregnant.”
“We both worked like crazy up until I gave birth to Renni, then I took six months off to be with her and then Clint took over.”
“Clint took over?”
“His career was pretty well established. He knew he could get another job easily when he wanted to. My career had come to a halt after Renni, though, and he didn’t want me to regret anything. So he stayed at home with her and worked only part-time while I joined the workforce full time.”
“Wow, he really did that?”
“He really did,” she nodded. “He sacrificed his career so that I could have mine. If it hadn’t been for him, I would never have gotten my current job, and I would never have been able to keep us afloat after his death. He set me up to succeed. That was the type of man he was.”
“He sounds like the perfect husband,” I said, feeling a little trickle of jealousy. How could I compete with Clint’s perfect legacy? I had no experience and very little knowledge of how to be a husband or a father.
Mia smiled knowingly, as though she suspected what I was feeling. “Clint was the kind of man who did his best. So even when he made mistakes, even when he let me down, I knew it wasn’t intentional. I knew he was trying his hardest, which is all I would ever expect from any man I end up with.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I said, squeezing her hand. “Can I ask…how he died?”
Mia gave me a sad smile. “Car accident,” she said shortly.
“No,” I gasped, thinking back to the night of the accident, when we had first met.
Mia nodded. “He was bringing home dinner. Renni was only three, and I had just put her to bed. Clint and I were planning on having a nice, intimate meal. But…he never came home.”
She didn’t say it without emotion, but there was a resistance there. She didn’t want to lose herself to sadness. Gently, I extricated my hand from hers and put it firmly around her shoulders. She melted into me, leaning her head down against my shoulder.
“I can’t imagine what you must have gone through,” I said.
“It was a dark time in my life,” Mia admitted. “The only thing that got me through it was Renni…and Vanessa, too. But Renni was the reason I forced myself out of bed in the morning. Renni was the reason I put on a brave face and remembered to smile every now and again. Soon, it became habit and then it became real. But if it hadn’t been for the fact that I had a little girl who needed me, I would have lost myself to grief.”
“I have seen that kind of grief,” I admitted. “In my father’s eyes, right after my mother left.”
“She left?” Mia asked.
“It’s a long story,” I smiled. “I’ll tell you about it one day in detail. But the cliff notes version is that she left when I was a little boy. She had a good reason for going, but none of us knew it at the time. Dad was madly in love with her, and her absence, it left a hole in his heart. I don’t think he ever got over her, and we could see that in his eyes.”
“That’s what I wanted to avoid,” Mia said. “I didn’t want Renni to look at me and think, ‘Mommy is always so sad and unhappy.’ I wanted her to know I was okay, so that she would be okay. I wanted her to know it was alright to smile and laugh and be happy…”
“She is happy, Mia,” I said, kissing the top of her head. “She’s a wonderful child, a kind child… Clint would have been really proud. I didn’t even know him, but I k
now that much.”
She smiled. “I hate that she missed getting to know him,” she admitted. “I hate that he missed getting to know her.”
“They did know each other.”
“It’s not the same thing,” Mia said.
“No, it’s not,” I agreed. “But Renni can still get to know her father. That’s up to you.”
Mia smiled. “You’re right – she has starting asking a few questions about him. And I have to admit, I don’t always answer her properly.”
“Maybe you should,” I advised. “She’ll thank you for it later.”
“You’re a good man, Sam Burbank,” Mia said, placing a kiss on my cheek. “And, a better man than I initially thought you were.”
I laughed. “Thanks… I think.”
Just at that moment, Renni came running up to us. “I’m done now,” she announced.
“You’re done?” Mia asked, with raised eyebrows.
“The fish are boring now… I want to go to the park and play on the swings with Sam.”
Mia laughed and turned to me. I smiled and nodded enthusiastically at Renni. “If that’s what you want, then that’s what we’ll do.”
She looked delighted. “This is the best day ever!” she cried. “Can we have ice cream when we’re at the park?”
“I don’t see why not,” I said. Then I remembered that it wasn’t my place to say yes to Renni. “Uh…that is if you’re mother is okay with that.”
Mia smiled and nodded. “I’m okay with it,” she said, with a special smile that was just for me.
Chapter Thirty
Mia
I got out of my car and waited by the curb at the entrance of the gate. I didn’t usually like going into the school waiting yard because that was where all the mothers or nannies usually stayed and I liked to avoid conversation. But sometimes, it was unavoidable. Leslie and Martha saw me standing there, and they approached me immediately.
Martha was one of the older moms in the school. She was nearing fifty and trying hard to fight her age. I preferred Leslie by leaps and bounds. She was in her thirties, a devoted stay-at-home mother with two other children in older grades. She was probably the kindest of all the mothers at the school.