But how much of a part? Even Molly had asked what was going on between her and Jacob.
She knew what she would like to be going on. But he wasn’t ready. Jacob had shared things with her. Personal things. Thoughts. Emotions. The events of his past, as she had with him. But there was still the ghost of Michelle.
Did Michelle rule Jacob’s heart? Would he ever let her go? Was he holding himself back from her because deep down he still loved Michelle?
Was she trying to compete with a ghost?
Because that wasn’t a battle that anyone could win.
* * *
Jacob was generally happy with the way the visit to his parents’ place had gone. He’d really not known how his parents would react. He’d expected his mum to go over the top, to cry a bit, maybe gush about having him back and ask him to promise never to go away again.
But she hadn’t. She’d been just fine. Dad, too. They’d been thrilled to have him back, but they’d made the weekend more about Seb—about welcoming him and his mother into the family and making them feel comfortable.
He’d observed, as if from a distance. Letting it all be about them unless his mother had particularly asked his opinion on something or deliberately involved him. It had been so good to be back. He hadn’t been overwhelmed by memories, as he’d expected himself to be. It had been bearable.
Because of Eva and Seb.
If it hadn’t have been for them he knew he would never have managed the weekend without feeling haunted. But their being there had somehow stopped all of that.
Because of them the visit had been about the future. About how much Seb and Eva could be involved. About how much they were now a family.
Of course his mum had fed them all as if they’d never seen food before, and had insisted on packing them off for the journey home with freezer bags full of sausage rolls and pastries and pies.
They’d stood in the doorway and waved him off with tears in their eyes. Eva had looked tearful, too, but she hadn’t wanted to talk about it.
He’d promised his parents he would call within a couple of days.
And he had.
They adored Seb, as he had known they would, but they also adored Eva, and that meant a lot to him.
Eva meant a lot to him. Finding her again had turned his life around. He’d known that first night at the party that she was something special, but to have thought that she would bring him this much happiness... He’d not expected that to happen.
He’d hoped that when he found her again she would be his friend, but other things were happening. As he got to know Seb more, and the more time he spent in their home, the more he was getting to know Eva, and he knew she was more special than he’d ever believed. Could feel it in his heart.
He so wanted to be able to tell her the truth. The real truth about what had happened on his wedding day and not the sanitised version that everyone else thought was the truth.
But how would she react? That was his biggest concern right now. If he told her before Christmas... But he so wanted to spend this precious time with them—he couldn’t tell her!
She would view him with horror. Look at him differently. Judge him. And he couldn’t bear the idea of not being with Seb over Christmas. It was just a week away—he could keep it inside until after the Yuletide season, couldn’t he?
I should have been honest with her from the start. But how exactly do you say that to someone? That you are responsible for someone’s death? It’s not the kind of thing you drop into conversation with someone new.
And now that he hadn’t told her the truth for so long...it would be harder to say anything at all.
He wanted to be with Eva. He wanted to be with her in a relationship.
But he knew that if he unburdened himself of his guilt, she might walk away...
Eva had had enough pain in her past. Did he want to cause her more?
* * *
Their days at work began to pass quickly. With Christmas-party season in full swing the doctors were rushed off their feet, dealing with what felt like a swarm of drunk and disorderlies they had to keep an eye on, as well as dealing with all the usual illnesses and injuries.
There was a slew of norovirus lockdowns on various wards, so they had to limit who they admitted into hospital and where they sent them, causing the corridors to be filled with patients on trollies, moaning and groaning to their paramedics that they hadn’t been seen yet.
It was a heady mix of patients filled with Christmas cheer and patients who were grumpy and angry. Everyone’s temper was getting shorter and shorter.
In the evenings Jacob would come round to Eva’s to read to Seb, and Eva would cook them all a meal that they would eat together. It all appeared quite domesticated and happy, but there was a palpable tension that they could both feel, and both of them refused to mention it in their fear of ruining Christmas.
At work, it was getting harder and harder for Eva to be normal around him. Their relationship—whatever it was—was confusing. Jacob was being polite, keeping his distance, and she was feeling hurt by it. She sneaked looks at him when she thought he wasn’t watching, and yearned for his touch.
But she knew they had to be absolute professionals, who showed no familiarity, no favouritism, who showed no attraction to each other, and this just further reinforced to Eva the wisdom of his pushing her away.
She knew it was for the best.
But that didn’t make it any easier when all she truly wanted was to be in his arms.
* * *
One night they were both tidying up in the kitchen after their meal.
Eva was loading the dishwasher and Jacob was passing her the dishes after scraping them clean over the bin. Their fingers kept touching as they passed and accepted plates and other items, and tiny frissons would ripple up her arms each time. She tried to ignore them. Tried to tell herself that she could not have this man. Not right now. Not whilst his feelings were so confused.
Politely, she thanked him for each item, and then, when it seemed she was saying ‘thank you’ too much, she just looked at him and smiled a thank-you. But then he’d smile back, and then those smiles and glances became longer and longer, until they were just standing over the open dishwasher, both holding the same plate and just looking at each other.
The way Jacob was looking at her—as if he was hungry for her, as if he wouldn’t be able to breathe unless he kissed her—made her feel all giddy inside. How long had it been since that kiss in the orchard? Not long at all. And yet it felt as if decades had passed.
Her lips parted and she looked at him, desperate to tell him how she felt about him.
Suddenly Jacob stepped around the open dishwasher and kicked the door closed with his foot. He grabbed her and pulled her into his arms.
Eva was backed against one of the kitchen units, could feel the edge of the work surface digging into her bottom as Jacob’s body pressed up against hers. She could feel him. Every wonderful inch of him. He cupped her face in his hands and tilted her lips up to his. Kissing her, devouring her face with the force of his passion.
Oh, yes!
Kissing him felt so good! As if they were meant to be! His soft lips, his stubble gave her a sweet, yet burning sensation that flowed from her lips down through her body and ignited a fire deep within her that made her crave more of him. More than just a kiss. More than just lips touching.
She wanted everything about him. His hands, his mouth, his body. She wanted all of him. To be with him the way they had been when they’d conceived Seb. Naked and entwined. Unable to get enough of each other.
As their kiss deepened her hands found their way under his shirt, feeling the burning heat in his skin, the powerful muscles contained within him moving smoothly as he kissed her.
I want you!
S
he wanted to say it. She wanted to take that step and just tell him. That she was here. In his present. A real woman who loved him. Yes, loved him—if only he would give her the chance.
Remember he’s in love with someone else.
Eva pushed him away and was left gasping from the force of his passion.
He looked confused. Hurt. But then his glazed eyes finally got some sense back in them and he stepped away, out of the kitchen.
She heard the front door open and close with such finality that she couldn’t stop the tears. She cried. Cried for the fact that she would never have him the way she wanted to. That until he got over Michelle he would never be hers.
I should have kept him at arm’s length. It’s too painful.
* * *
‘He’s in cardiac arrest!’
Jacob’s patient lay prone on the bed, his eyes closed, his mouth agape. Greg Harper had been brought in by his wife, Ginny. He’d been feeling unwell all day, and after an hour of trying to work the ground in his frost-hardened allotment had come in complaining of being short of breath. Ginny had said that he’d looked extremely pale and had felt clammy. She’d called for an ambulance as her senses had told her it was something serious.
It had been a good decision. Because now Greg was in a hospital setting as his cardiac arrest occurred, and therefore theoretically stood a much higher chance of survival.
Jacob lowered the head of the bed and called for the crash team. This was his first case of leading a resuscitation since he’d joined the department a few weeks ago.
Eva came running over, along with two other doctors and nurses.
‘Compressions!’ Jacob requested, his voice stern and clear.
Eva stepped forward to do them, clasping one hand above the other and placing them centrally to Greg’s chest. She began to compress his chest, maintaining a steady rhythm, as Jacob called out further orders to the rest of the team.
‘I want pads on, and venous access. Sarah—you take the airway and get an oropharyngeal airway in.’
Jacob took a step back and oversaw it all. He stood in front of Ginny, who had hidden behind him, not daring to look.
The defibrillator pads were soon attached to Greg’s chest and Eva stopped compressions momentarily for the machine to assess Greg’s heart rhythm—if any.
‘He’s in VF. Shocking.’
The doctor in charge of the machine checked to make sure no one was touching the patient and then pressed the button with the little lightning rod on it. Greg’s body juddered slightly.
‘He’s still in VF.’ Sarah looked up at him.
Jacob stood firm. ‘Continue CPR. Adrenaline.’
The drug was administered into a vein and Eva continued pumping the chest. Her red hair swung back and forth with the force of her compressions and her breathing was becoming heavier. Compressions could be exhausting—especially if resuscitation took a long time—so they liked to rotate staff every two minutes.
‘Please don’t let him die! Please save him!’ pleaded his wife, Ginny.
‘Pulse check, please.’
A nurse checked the radial pulse. ‘Weak.’
‘Continue.’
Jacob’s voice rang loud and clear in the department. Cardiac arrests were dramatic, especially to an onlooker, like a family member or friend, but to a doctor they were some of the easiest cases to deal with in A&E, because there was a recognised pattern of treatment. You knew exactly what you had to do and when you had to do it.
Not every case in the department was so clear-cut. People came in with mystery ailments all the time, or didn’t tell the doctors all their symptoms, or lied. Cardiac arrests were obvious and they knew how to deal with them.
‘Assess rhythm.’
A further shock was given, then oxygen pumped in via a bag valve and mask.
Jacob glanced at the clock. ‘Amiodarone. Three hundred milligrams.’
Greg groaned and his wife gasped, peering round Jacob to see if her husband was showing any signs of waking up.
‘Pulse check?’
The nurse felt the patient’s wrist. ‘I have a strong pulse.’
Sarah, managing the airway and monitoring the machines, confirmed that the patient was making respiratory effort and that blood pressure was slowly rising.
‘Well done, team. Once Mr Harper is stable I want him transferred to ITU. Until then I want him on fifteen-minute obs.’ Jacob turned to Ginny. ‘We’ve got him back, but we need to make sure we keep him with us. He’s in for a difficult twenty-four hours.’
Ginny nodded. ‘Yes. Can I speak to him?’
He nodded. ‘Of course.’
‘Thank you, Doctor! If I’d lost him...’
‘You didn’t.’
She looked shocked at his abrupt tone, then said firmly, ‘He’s my life.’
The look in her eyes softened his mood and Jacob understood. He laid a hand on her arm apologetically. ‘I know. Talk to him. Sit with him. When he gets a bed in ITU I’ll come and let you know.’
Ginny smiled her thanks.
He turned at the doorway and looked at her, sitting beside her husband’s bed. They were lucky. They’d had each other for years, it seemed. The love. The comfort. Why could he not have that? Didn’t he deserve it?
What he felt for Eva... He’d allowed his physical desires to overwhelm him the other night. He hadn’t been able to help it. She was just so beautiful, and the way they were both holding back had been killing him.
I need to tell her the truth.
No one knew the real truth. Except him and Michelle.
Could he wait until after Christmas? He wanted to. Knew it was probably the best thing. But it was so hard! He loved her and he couldn’t have her. Not until she knew the truth—only then could they be together.
If she isn’t scared away.
And Eva didn’t come alone. She came as a package. With Seb.
He couldn’t hurt that boy.
That boy was his life now. If she took him away from him... No. No, she wouldn’t do that to him.
Then, what have I got to lose?
Those first nights under the vast African sky he’d thought about Michelle and the way he’d treated her. What he’d done to drive her into the arms of another. He hadn’t been able to bear to admit the truth. And his thoughts had always come back to Eva. The woman who had briefly brought him back to life. Thoughts of her had pervaded his mind, but he’d tried to dismiss them as the thoughts of a mixed up, grieving man.
Those nights alone in Africa had made Jacob re-evaluate his life. Think about what he wanted. Not only what he could do for others, but what he needed to do for himself. And all he’d been able to think about was his own family, back on the farm, and the woman with red hair...
Eva.
She’d done a great job with Seb. And all alone, too. She was a strong woman. He had to believe that her internal strength would help get them all through this.
He needed her.
Knew it as he knew the sun would rise in the east.
He burned for her. Couldn’t think straight around her anymore.
I should just be honest with her. Get it over with. Then we can move forward. Together.
* * *
Jacob spotted Eva across the department. As always, she looked gorgeous. Her curtain of red hair fell in a perfect wave and her crystal-blue eyes looked up at him in question as he walked across to her. She’d made a small nod to the season and was wearing tiny dangling Christmas trees in her ears. They might have looked ridiculous on anyone else, but not her.
He stood in front of her. ‘Hi.’
‘Hello.’
His fingers itched to touch her. To hold her. Since that kiss in the kitchen it had been killing him to keep himself from touchin
g her. From being with her. How he’d managed to walk away from the house the other night he’d never know.
Her reaction to that last kiss the other night hadn’t lied. She’d wanted it, and had responded to it in a way that he’d liked. As his lips had trailed over the delicate skin at her neck he’d inhaled her scent and had almost drifted away on a cloud of ecstasy. She’d smelled so good and she’d felt so right and he’d wanted her again.
He could see no reason to keep punishing himself by staying away. Didn’t they both deserve more?
‘Eva? May I have a word with you?’ His voice was thick and gravelly, as if he was finding it difficult to talk.
‘What’s up?’
‘In private.’ He made eye contact and enforced it, staring hard at her, making sure she understood him.
But she seemed nervous. ‘Talk to me here.’
She stood up and put her hands into the pockets of the long cardigan she wore.
‘Well?’
She was looking up at him, and he so wanted to cup her face and bring those sensuous lips to his own, but he controlled himself and took a step back. ‘I need to speak with you.’
‘You are.’
‘Privately. I thought tonight, when I come round, I could cook you dinner for a change.’
‘Oh. Okay. That would be nice.’
‘I need to tell you everything.’
She swallowed. ‘Everything?’
He nodded. ‘You need to hear it all.’
* * *
Eva watched him walk away from her.
He was going to tell her tonight. Tell her that he could not give her his heart. Not until he was over his grieving. He would tell her that he would still like to be there for Seb, but that whatever had been happening between the two of them had to be over.
She bit her lip as she felt tears threaten, but then pushed away her grief.
She wouldn’t cry over him anymore.
She would get through tonight and she would be strong. For Seb.
This didn’t have to ruin his Christmas. It was only a couple of days away.
Eva set her mind on being strong. On keeping a safe distance. On remaining upbeat.
A Father This Christmas? Page 13