At least she tried.
* * *
Eva came home from her long day at work to gentle piano music on the stereo system, fairy lights and candles lit throughout and the most delicious smells emanating from her kitchen.
She hung up her bag and her jacket and kicked off her shoes, padded barefoot into the lounge. There was no one there so she headed into the kitchen, where Jacob stood stirring something on the hob.
‘Where’s Seb?’
‘With Letty. And she said he could sleep over, too.’
Eva raised an eyebrow. Really? He’d sent Seb on a sleepover? Just how upset did Jacob expect her to be?
He passed her a glass of white wine. Whatever he was cooking smelled mouth-wateringly good. Like Jacob himself.
Stop it!
But it was true. Jacob had a wonderful scent, and when she was up close to him and he held her in his arms...
Eva shook her head to clear it. She needed to think straight. But the idea that there was wine, good food and Jacob... It was all muddying the waters!
Only a few weeks ago life had seemed simple. It had been her and Seb against the world. Then Jacob had come back. And since he’d found out he was a father he’d practically moved in and turned her world upside down! She wasn’t even sure she was the same person anymore. She knew she’d changed.
Jacob looked particularly delightful this evening. He wore dark trousers and a crisp white shirt, and his tousled dark hair just crept over the edge of the collar. He had broad, powerful shoulders and a neat waist, and she could only try to remember the powerful, muscular legs beneath the cloth...
He was a sight for sore, tired eyes.
And she wanted him.
The knowledge that he also wanted her, that he’d got himself hot because of her, had barely contained himself because of her, was an aphrodisiac she tried to ignore!
‘What’s cooking?’
Jacob turned, and the beam of his smile lighting up his face brightened her heart. He was trying to put things right. He was trying to give her a good night before he ruined it with whatever news he thought he still had to share.
‘An African specialty. Yam and crayfish risotto, inspired by my time in Gabon, followed by a malva pudding.’
‘What’s a malva pudding?’
He smiled. ‘It’s very rich, very buttery, and filled to the brim with syrup. You’ll love it.’
She nodded. Sounded good. ‘Wow. You really did learn a lot in Africa. When did you go to Gabon?’
‘In between my times at the clinic.’
‘And what did you discover?’
Her mouth dried as Jacob took a few steps towards her. He was literally millimetres away from her, towering above her and staring down into her eyes as if he’d just discovered the most beautiful jewel in existence and was hypnotised by it.
‘I discovered that I’d left behind the one person who could’ve changed my life.’
Her. He meant her.
And, boy, was that electrifying stuff! She felt so alive with him standing right there, looking down at her, devouring her with his gaze. She felt as if she was waiting for him to inch those last few millimetres closer, so that her body could lock into his, like a key in a padlock.
Were they made for each other? She felt that it might be that way. Physically anyway. But what about the other stuff? The boring stuff that grown-ups had to think about. Like trust and reliability and dependability. And love.
Did Jacob love her? She knew he loved Seb. He was definitely there for his son, and it seemed he spent every spare moment he had at her house. But what of his feelings for her? There was a definite attraction between them, but was he still in love with his dead fiancée?
‘Jacob, I don’t know what I am to you.’
He tilted his head, as if questioning her. ‘You’re very important to me.’
‘Important? Is that all?’
Jacob looked shocked and upset. ‘You’re Seb’s mum. You’re the woman I can’t stop thinking about. You chase every other thought out of my head and, believe me, that’s difficult to do.’
She put her wine glass down and turned to face him. ‘Every other thought?’
He smiled. ‘Most of them.’
‘It’s the ones you don’t tell me about that worry me.’
‘I will tell you. But I’d like us to enjoy our evening first. Let’s allow ourselves that. Forget the difficulties for a moment. Just enjoy being with each other for now.’
She could do that. She didn’t like postponing the pain that she knew was coming, but she wanted to enjoy him whilst she could. If pain was coming, then so be it, but there was no reason why she couldn’t just let go and enjoy being with the man she loved for a few moments more.
She smiled. ‘So what do we do now?’
Jacob smiled back at her. ‘Eat dinner. Start afresh. Can you do that with me?’
Maybe. It was scary still.
But perhaps I’m tired of being alone?
She stood up and grabbed her wine glass. ‘Let’s eat dinner.’
Jacob nodded, smiling.
* * *
The crayfish and yam risotto was divine! The yam was sweet and soft and the crayfish was succulent and melted in her mouth.
Eva glanced at Jacob. ‘This is lovely, by the way. You might not have noticed from the way I’ve gobbled it all up like a hippo.’
Jacob picked his fork up and grinned. ‘I had noticed, and I didn’t for one minute compare you to a hippo. And thank you. It’s a compliment.’
She took another mouthful, and when she’d swallowed it she looked at him across the table. ‘Tell me more about Africa. Your work there.’
He met her gaze and nodded slightly, his face thoughtful. ‘Well, you know about Reuben. But there were so many people out there who all changed my life in a small way.’
‘I’d like to hear about it.’
‘Cataract surgery was the first thing I did. There just seemed to be a never-ending line of people with the need for eye surgery. Not just old people, but kids, too. Seeing a child regain his eyesight was amazing, each and every time.’
‘I can imagine.’
‘There was this one kid who saw his mum for the first time when he was eight years old. The look of happiness on his face afterwards...’ Jacob had a faraway look in his eyes and simply smiled.
Eva could only imagine how he must have felt. ‘You said you helped build a school?’
‘That was much later—but, yes. Again, there were just so many kids who’d never even seen inside a classroom and we could quickly build one in about a week. To see them all go in and meet their teacher, start writing on blackboards... It made me appreciate all that I’d had in my life. All that I’d taken for granted.’
‘Sometimes we need reminding.’
‘With each patient I met, each story I heard, it just made me realise that I was getting ready to come home. To find my happiness again. To believe that I could have it.’
Eva nodded.
‘The African people are so noble. And proud. But in a good way. They’re honest and heartfelt...and even though most of them hardly have any material things they’re intensely happy if they have family.’
‘Did you feel alone out there?’
‘To begin with. But I ignored it. I’ve always been headstrong, but being in Africa taught me that sometimes you need to pause and reflect. Think things through.’
‘Before you came back?’
He nodded, intense blue eyes staring back at her from across the table.
‘And what do you want from life now?’ Her breath hitched in her throat as she half hoped he’d say her, but she was half afraid he’d say something else.
‘You. And Seb. I came back intent on finding yo
u and I did. I’m going to be really honest now and say it—and hope I don’t sound like some kind of mad stalker. It was no accident that I walked into your A&E. I knew you were there.’
She gasped. Shocked. He’d known? Then that meant he’d known exactly where he would find her when he came back! He’d pretended it was a surprise to walk in and find her!
‘But you had no idea about what happened after you left. About Seb.’
‘No. And once I was over the shock it was a wonderful surprise. Regret, yes, for the lost years...’ Eva’s eyes were downcast, so he reached out and grasped her hand with his own. ‘But joy at having more family. An amazing son with the woman that I...’
She looked up. ‘Yes?’
What would he say? That he loved her? She almost couldn’t breathe, waiting for him to say it.
He stared at her intently. ‘That I have feelings for.’
Eva exhaled. Slowly.
‘Feelings? What kind of feelings?’ She licked her lips, watching as his eyes tracked the movement, then moved back up to look into her eyes.
‘Strong feelings. I want us to try to be together. Properly.’ He stood up from his side of the table and came round to hers.
She watched him move, aware that her heart was pounding and her breathing was getting heavier, her mouth drying in anticipation. ‘Jacob—’
He took her hand in his and bade her rise from her seat. ‘Would you come with me?’
‘Where?’ she croaked, her voice almost not working at all.
‘Upstairs.’
Upstairs. To bed. Sex. That was what he meant.
She wanted to. Physically, her body wanted that very much, as did her heart, but her head was telling her to think twice. Tomorrow was Christmas Eve. The anniversary of his wife-to-be’s death. The anniversary of the night they’d slept together for the first time. Did she want to sleep with him knowing that he didn’t feel for her the way she felt about him?
She shook her head. ‘I can’t be anyone’s second best, Jacob.’
He stroked her face. ‘You could never be second best for me.’
Jacob gazed down at her, his eyes glazed with a sexual hunger that she wanted to satisfy. Feelings be damned! Why shouldn’t she have him? The last time she’d slept with him had been all those years ago, and though the memories of that night were awe-inspiring, she wanted to be with him one last time—no matter what happened afterwards.
Jacob scooped her up into his arms and carried her easily up the stairs and into her bedroom, closing the door softly behind them.
Eva, laughing, allowed Jacob to set her down on the edge of the bed. She looked at him, watching as he stood before her, undoing the buttons of his shirt from top to bottom.
It was mesmerising.
He pulled his shirt from his trousers, and as soon as she saw the smattering of dark hair that dipped beneath his belt buckle she quickly stood up, unable to stay away from him a moment longer, and helped him off with his clothes.
To have him before her, totally naked, as she slowly slipped off her own clothes, was magical. The memory she had of him, of a younger, less muscular Jacob, was stunning enough, but to see him now—more heavily set, broader, stronger—was a powerful aphrodisiac.
And he wanted her.
Eva slowly reached out to touch him. Her doubts silenced.
* * *
Eva blinked and opened her eyes. Frosty sunlight was streaming in through the open curtains at her bedroom window and her body felt deliciously exhausted.
Christmas Eve!
What time was it?
She felt as if something had woken her, but she couldn’t think what. Had there been a sound? Her alarm clock?
Blinking, she turned and glanced at it. Ten minutes past seven. Still early. Yawning, she turned back to look at Jacob, asleep in the bed beside her. His dark hair was all tousled and wavy. From sleep? Or from her fingers? It could easily be both. There’d been moments last night when she’d held his head in her hands as his tongue had worked its magic and she’d grabbed hold of him, her fingers splaying in his hair as he’d brought her to ecstasy.
What a night!
His face looked so relaxed this morning, and he had a five-o’clock shadow darkening his jaw. She’d felt that stubble last night and it had been delicious, tickling her skin and her tender places. Her inner thighs felt roughened and sore. But in a good way.
He was lying on his stomach, his head resting on his hands, and he looked so peaceful, his suntanned skin set healthily against the white of her sheets. His muscled arms and powerful shoulders a delightful addition to her bedroom. And farther beneath the sheets... Oh, my!
Last night had been even better than the night she’d spent with him four years ago. She wanted to reach out and touch him just once more, to prove that this was real. As she did so, and her fingers touched his jawline, his eyes opened and he smiled slowly.
‘Morning.’
‘Good morning.’
He was blinking at the half-light coming through the bedroom curtains. ‘The night got away from us.’
‘It did.’ Swinging her legs out of bed, she grabbed her robe.
‘Where are you going?’
‘To make some tea. Want one?’
He pulled himself into an upright position, the sheets just barely covering his modesty. ‘Sounds great.’
Smiling, she headed downstairs and into her kitchen. The remains of their meal last night were still there, and she smiled at the memory of the food and what had come after...
Then her thoughts darkened. They hadn’t talked. They hadn’t discussed what they’d meant to. Should she raise it now? Was this a good time to remind him of her doubts?
Look at what had happened last night! It had been amazing! Skin tingling, electrifying. The passion that had been between them...
That’s how it could be between us if we let it. If we refuse to face what we don’t want to face.
She wasn’t sure if they could do that. Surely the lies they were telling themselves would soon creep to the surface and ruin what they had?
No. They had to talk. It was the only way.
She couldn’t quite believe it. Everything was going right in her world. She’d gained the family she’d always dreamed of. They could be a unit. They were both striving for the same goals. They were both there for Seb.
They were there for each other.
Mostly.
She laid her hand on her heart as she looked out of the kitchen window, waiting for the kettle to boil. She could feel it beating. Dum-dum. Dum-dum. It didn’t have to beat alone anymore. She’d lain her head on Jacob’s chest last night as they’d fallen asleep together and it had beat with the same rhythm. Dum-dum. Dum-dum.
She was no longer alone!
Eva wasn’t sure what she’d done to deserve so much happiness. Perhaps after all her years of suffering as a child, of being alone, being the outsider, this was her reward now? This sense of belonging that she felt being with both Seb and Jacob?
Whatever it was, it was amazing.
She made the tea, and some toast, and prepared a tray to take upstairs. For the first time in her life she would have breakfast in bed, and then she would be the one to cause her life to come crashing down around her ears.
* * *
She’d let him have a shower. Then she’d had one and now they were both dressed.
As he pushed his belt into its buckle, he looked at her. ‘What’s wrong?’
She looked up at him from her seat on the bed, nerves racing through her body, causing her heart to pound like a jackhammer as the possibility of abandonment crept ever nearer.
‘We never did talk last night.’
His eyes darkened. ‘No, we didn’t.’
‘I think we
ought to.’
Jacob stared at her. ‘But last night... We...we were so good together! I’m not sure I want to taint that with what I have to say.’
Eva wrapped her cardigan tightly around herself. Neither was she. But she couldn’t move forward in a relationship with him if she was lying to herself and allowing him to lie to her.
‘Nor do I. But I think we both need to be truthful. For Seb as much as for ourselves.’
He sighed and settled down on the bed across from her. ‘You’re right.’
She sucked in a breath. Okay. She was ready.
‘Tell me.’
He nodded, thinking, his eyes downcast. Then he looked up at her.
‘On my wedding day something happened that...that no one knows about.’
Okay. That wasn’t the direction she’d thought this would start, but she’d go with it.
‘What?’
‘Michelle made it to the church. She didn’t die on her way to the service like I told everyone. She made it there.’
Eva was confused. ‘She made it?’
‘Remember I told you that I was outside, waiting for the first glimpse of the wedding car? I’d been too fidgety inside, so I was walking around to rid myself of the nerves. Then suddenly she pulled up in her car.’
‘You saw her?’
He nodded. ‘She wanted to speak to me before the service. She told me that she’d cheated on me. With my best friend Marcus. She said that I hadn’t loved her the way I ought to and so she’d looked elsewhere.’
Eva hadn’t expected this! ‘She cheated on you?’
‘She said she still loved me, that she wanted to go on with the wedding but wanted to enter our marriage honestly.’
He paused for a moment, then stood and began to pace the room.
‘I was furious! Furious that she’d cheated on me, but furious with myself, too—because I’d known something wasn’t right and I’d ignored it. I knew there was no way I could marry her still. We argued. I said some things...horrible things. I don’t know what came over me, but I ripped into her verbally. I couldn’t bear to look at her. The more I looked at her, the more I hated her. I ordered her to go away. Told her I never wanted to see her again for as long as I lived. She was crying, mascara all over the place, begging for my forgiveness, but I told her to—’
A Father This Christmas? Page 14