The Inventory: A Novel

by Gila Lustiger

The sea, he thought, the sea is indifferent. It comes and goes, and does not care about the suffering of people.

  At some point the shooting ceased, and when the noise of rattling motors disappeared into the night, all was still. Only the surf broke on the shore. He wiped away his tears with his sleeve, looked up, and saw the bright stars of Taurus and the constellation of Scorpio. They twinkled like costume jewelry, dim against the throat of heaven.

  The Pearl Necklace

  T WO WEEKS HAVE ALREADY PASSED since I received your letter, and I’m only getting the chance now to sit down and write.

  Thomas, my boy, thank you for the drawing. It is hanging above my bed and is a source of great pleasure. I hope you are looking after Mommy and your sister. You are the man of the house now and have to supervise.

  Nor are you allowed to be a nuisance to your mommy. In her letter she told me what happened at school. That is not good. Before undertaking anything you must always consider whether it is really worth it, otherwise you will never be your own boss. I am very proud that you passed the entrance test to the Hitler Youth, and I am sending a little present along with this letter.

  My little Nette, that naughty boy pulls your pigtails, does he? Mommy has told me that you are very good, and quite the little housewife already. I’m glad to hear it. When I come home, you’ll make me something to eat, all by yourself, and then we’ll go cycling. We’ll only take the boy if he leaves your pigtails alone. Do you hear, Thomas? Yesterday I saw a Russian girl, the same age as you. Then I was really homesick for my children.

  I hope to be able to come home for Christmas. Perhaps I’ll even bring a Christmas goose with me. Out in the yard, there are three hundred cackling geese at the moment, and with a bit of luck ours is among them. Even if they don’t give me leave, I’ll send it back to you with one of the boys.

  Mommy, do also accept parcels that don’t come directly from me. I only hand out our address to those I can trust one hundred percent. I have boys all over Greater Germany and always pass something along when one of them is on home leave. We are, as you will have gathered, a merry gang.

  Just one thing, Nette, for you, too, Thomas, you mustn’t draw attention to it and must be very quiet when you or Mommy receive a package from me. On our very street there are gossips. I’m thinking of Frau Eckstein, whom you yourself, Thomas, rightfully called a chatterbox. Should she find out, she would rather talk till her mouth fell off than keep her peace. So the Enemy, that’s Frau Eckstein, is always listening!

  You, too, dear Mommy, be silent for heaven’s sake. Envy is simply too great a thing, and not every husband has such a privileged position as yours and is able to get their hands on the most beautiful things.

  Yesterday, I sent off ten one-kilo parcels and two large packages, which should reach you soon. You won’t be going hungry, and there are some nice goodies, too. A special present for Mommy is in the hands of one of the boys, Dieter Walter. I’ve told you about him already, my one true friend here, and he’ll call in personally. It’s too precious to simply send by post, so there is something to look forward to. Well, children, now Mommy will be all excited. It’s her Christmas present and anniversary present all rolled into one. You see, I forget nothing!

  Be nice to Dieter. He is a good fellow, and I am sure you will like him immediately. His ex-wife had been having an affair with a Jew. The poor devil went completely off his rocker, as the local group leader, before being called up. Now his career is at an end. I hope we get our hands on that Jewish pig sometime. Don’t broach the subject. It’s painful for him, and Dieter doesn’t like talking about it.

  Dieter will have some photos with him, so that you don’t forget what your daddy looks like, and he’ll fill you in on what our life here is like. It’s a completely different thing to have someone made of flesh and blood telling you, although I think my letters capture some of it, too.

  I have also asked him to look in on your parents in Reinickendorf, and I have given him some blocks of butter for Granny — three kilos, altogether: what she doesn’t need, she can sell — so she’ll be able to bake a proper crumble for you again at last, with the nice fruit that she preserved in the summer. For Grandpa I have slipped in packages of cigarettes and tobacco, even though Granny disapproves. Men have to decide for themselves what they should do, can do, and want to do. The same goes for your father. You see, although I may not write often I do think of your parents.

  My next words of wisdom are: be economical. Thomas, I am counting on you for this. Extravagance is in the nature of women.

  Mommy, you should tell your parents this too. Winter is just around the corner, and it will be harder with parcels then. I’ll send them to you nonetheless. When I can, that is. So do not open the sugar and the flour, since they do not spoil so quickly.

  We got into a real mess here. We had two barrels filled with honey. The Russians had told us that the barrels had been properly disinfected and washed out. They were gasoline barrels and we had nothing else at hand. No such luck. Whatever the Russians do, it’s as badly bungled as their warfare. The whole batch tasted like gas, and quite inedible. Dieter viewed it as sabotage and thought the saboteurs should be shot. I believe it was just the usual bungling up. If you could only see these people….

  Thomas asked me what our life is like here. Here is a description. Dieter will confirm all this and fill in the details.

  I have just noticed that I have already filled a few pages: unbelievable, I was not aware of it at all. When you are writing to your loved ones, of course, your heart takes flight.

  Well, I get up at six o’clock. I live in a house that looks like ours, only not so clean and tasteful, and with no front garden, hedge, or freshly mown lawn. We don’t have a Thomas here, you see, to keep the weeds at bay, so everything is overgrown. I live on the first floor, Dieter and another man on the second.

  I have already told you about the other man, a von so-and-so. He is the one who drinks himself silly. For the fourth time now he has made such a racket that Dieter and I have decided, although it is certainly preferable to deal with unpleasant things on one’s own, to lay our complaint before the superior and make sure at long last that he is transferred. It is against our principles, but he spoils the harmony of the house.

  Back to myself. I have three small rooms. One is my office. In one of them I sleep, and the third one, which I share with the other two, is the kitchen.

  There is an oven in the kitchen. The other rooms are not heated, which is great fun at night if you need to go to the bathroom. But I won’t go into those adventures. Dieter will show you a photo of the kitchen.

  So I get up at six, wake up Dieter and von so-and-so, and go get washed. We have a housekeeper, who is not as perfect as little Nette. She brings the wood that the prisoners have chopped up into small bits, and makes our breakfast. She is a political one, a Pole, and speaks a little German, albeit broken German.

  At seven o’clock there is coffee. By then Daddy is already dressed, shaved, washed, and ready to start his day.

  There is bread, as much as you like, a bit of butter, about sixty grams of it, sometimes artificial honey. The real stuff was ruined, of course. I always eat four slices of bread and drink two cups of coffee with milk and two lumps of sugar.

  Then I work in the office. I have lots of files to read through and my eyes get tired. It is no work for a man, but that is the way it is. Thomas, it’s just like school is for you. You see, your father has to buckle down too, and grin and bear it. You have to learn to be patient, and get rid of your bad habits.

  At twelve-thirty we head to the canteen for lunch. That is always good. Plenty of meat and fat. We have our own animals: pigs, sheep, calves, and cows and now geese, too. Ah, Mommy, I can picture your dumplings, and start drooling. At Christmas I will be with you!

  There are potatoes to go with it. As many as we like. That’s no problem here at all. We have them in abundance. And, believe it or not, preserved cucumbers and tomatoes. The cook runs
a delicatessen back home. His wife now manages the shop. He knows his profession and makes delicious things for us. It is a matter of luck.

  In another unit the cook was a plumber before coming to the front. Our cook told us this. Well, you can imagine what his things tasted like. I wonder why they took him on, for normally they try to employ qualified staff. We have already spent some merry evenings, laughing up a storm as we tried to imagine the menus he must have put together. Soldering water soup, chops à la workbench, crêpes of hammer with a smattering of nails, and preserved drill. Bon appetit, is all I can say.

  Depending on my mood and how hungry I am, I can eat up to three platefuls. It is not rationed.

  Then we work on until six o’clock in the evening. For supper we get something warm to eat again, fried potatoes, for example, in a bowl with fat and scrambled egg, or something cold, like bread and cold meat. The Russians have a type of garlic sausage that tastes almost as good as our cold cut, just a bit spicier. But there is no one to kiss here, so it is all the same, right, Mommy?

  You see, my body is well catered for, so Mommy, who believes I am bound to catch something or other here, can put her mind at rest.

  By the way, I have also taken a photo of our cook. I will pass it along with Dieter. He is a squat, not to say approaching fat, sort of a fellow and the war seems to agree with him.

  In the evening we either play cards or booze or visit the boss. There is no saying no on that front. If the boss wants to have coffee or schnapps, we have to go, for he likes to have a few of us around him. I believe I have made a pretty good impression on him and, all being well, can count on my promotion to … by Christmas. Well, Thomas, tell them, you are the only one who knows about this sort of thing. Then you’ll all be proud of me.

  I will come home with my new insignia, and I’ll put on my uniform on Christmas morning, and we will go out for a walk together, and the neighbors will stare, especially Frau … I’ve drawn a sudden blank, what’s happening to your Daddy?

  I would naturally far prefer to have my peace and quiet alone with Dieter. We even have a bowling club here, but the boss doesn’t enjoy bowling, so I have to pass it up, too.

  By the way: there is beer, as much as we want, at lunch, and after dinner. At the boss’s we drink schnapps because he does not care for beer, nor does he like to see his men drinking it, being of the opinion that it makes a person fat, and a fat belly in uniform is an insult to the SS.

  I have a little glass when I am within my own four walls, because I cannot share the boss’s views on everything.

  He is completely different from the last one and, after the first few months that it took to get used to his mannerisms, I don’t find him too bad at all. He is tougher, not as self-pitying as the last one. And now we really have iron discipline. Complaining is taboo, of course. As is shirking any duty. One man who was chickening out — he didn’t want to shoot anymore — had to do it every day for a week. That was his punishment. Don’t worry, Mommy, Daddy does not often go to the forest to shoot, only when he really has to.

  Mommy, if the pearl necklace, whoops, out it popped, oh well, it doesn’t matter, if the pearl necklace is not your style, I can get hold of something different for you. But I know that you always wanted one, and now Daddy has gotten one for you. It wasn’t even that expensive. So don’t worry about that. If it is too short, it can be lengthened. Dieter will present it to you most solemnly, along with a letter that is for your eyes only.

  So, my dear ones. Nette, what I wanted to say to you: you shouldn’t wet your bed anymore, and must sit up straight with- out leaning on your elbows. When you are a big German girl, you’ll travel round the world so much that you will have to comport yourself with dignity since everyone will gawk at you. You mustn’t make us ashamed of you, and must start this very day to keep a tight rein on yourself.

  Only he who has himself under control can judge others and rule! The same goes for you, Thomas. Take heed. It is important.

  Now Mommy has to bring you up all by herself, and you must help her, because I can’t keep an eye on you nor set you an example as long as I am at the front.

  So, do not let us be ashamed of you, be good until I come home, and everything will be the same as before, only nicer, because peace will reign supreme again and we will be a proper family, strengthened by these trials.

  How is Heinz? What is the garden like? Have you chosen seeds already? I’m not in favor of the sheep’s sorrel, nor the weeping heart, even though Mommy likes the name. Buy something sensible, that flowers nicely, and is hardy. You can put the garden gnome next to them. He will keep watch over you until I return. Only joking, Thomas: I’m aware you are looking after the women.

  By the way, you should pass on a pound of butter to the SS Sturmbannführer’s wife with my best wishes, so that he does not forget me. Doesn’t have to be right away, but soon. Not that I need him now. I have made the acquaintance of others who may prove helpful to us when I come home, not to mention the excellent reputation I can claim. They only had nitwits before, and were no longer accustomed to having a real man.

  Nonetheless I ask you to exchange a word with the woman, for her husband has always been so decent to me.

  It is right that Heinz does not join us in the east. He is too soft for this place. He would start sobbing like a girl if he ever had to polish someone off. That’s either a result of his illness or to do with that Jew, that furrier, I forget his name, he worked for. He did not have the right attitude, never did. It’s his mother’s fault too, she wants to make all the decisions in the house. She tried to do the same with me, but no way.

  Good that he has been sent to France. He’ll have it easy there, although even the softest man changes here in three weeks. It is a matter of getting used to things. Soon you can see blood, although black pudding remains unpopular.

  I know that, regarding my opinion of your brother, you cannot agree with everything I say. All I can say to you is that in these difficult times we need men who are tough, not momma’s boys, like litde Heinz Schröder is. Otherwise nothing would work.

  So, my loved ones, there I’ll stop. I miss you all terribly, especially on Sundays. We don’t often leave the base, and I want to be with you again.

  I will do everything within my power to be with you at Christmastime. I will try today already to work on the boss — he has family and children, too.

  Thomas, I hereby officially hand over to you the task of choosing a Christmas tree, worthy of our family. One that won’t be losing its needles already on New Year’s Eve. Got it! I have shown you how to see to that.

  The chocolate, French and apparently particularly good, is for my two little sweet-toothed ones, Thomas and Nette. It is not to be sold.

  So, now I am really going to call it a day, because I am being called to yet another operation.

  For my children, kisses and a big hug.

  For darling Mommy, a long intimate kiss.

  You are my happiness and my life.

  Your Daddy

  P.S. Write to tell me if you like the pearl necklace.

  The Camera

  1.

  Sometimes she woke up at night for no reason. Then she would lie in bed, listening, until the pounding of her heart gave way to the soft crunch of car wheels on the asphalt: it came from far off, rose to a threatening crescendo beneath her window, and faded away a brief moment later.

  Still in the dark she would reach out to the bedside table, so that when the headlights hit it she would find her glasses immediately. Without them she felt helpless. Instead of waiting for the thin stream of light, she could have switched on the bedside lamp. Before going to sleep she positioned the switch in such a way that she could turn it on without sitting up. But that, she knew, would not work. Even though she had spread a green cloth over the shade, the lamp was too bright and blinded her.

  If she could not fall asleep again immediately, she sometimes drank a glass of water, or lit a cigarette. During such moments o
f fear she would sit cross-legged in bed and follow the movements of the heart-shaped leaves of the tree, whose upper branches swayed in the wind in front of her window, until her eyelids grew heavy. It was a linden tree. She listened to the rhythm of the wind through it and hummed a song that fitted in. At night she created melodies forgotten by the next day.

  After a sleepless night she could see everything more clearly. She was like someone coming back to their senses after being intoxicated for a long time, and was grateful for everything: for the dried-out yellow leaves of the plant that she put out in the hall every evening, the corner table with its basket of fresh fruit, the beige-colored cloth under the basket, even for the dust that had gathered in the holes of the crocheting with their flowerlike shapes, which she wiped away with her finger.

  In the morning she brushed her hair with long swinging strokes until it gleamed silkily, and showered beneath cold and warm water. Afterward her skin was pink and tingly. She went into her room naked and looked at herself in the wardrobe mirror, before selecting an outfit that she laid out to consider on her bed. Sometimes she ate breakfast naked, too.

  While the coffee was brewing she pulled on a jacket and stood close to the wall so that only her clothed upper half could be seen through the kitchen window. When she took her cup over to the table she took the jacket off again. She ate without a plate and crumbs fell into her belly button.

  If she was eating naked, she would sit with her legs placed parallel to the table legs. It was a habit that was important to her. If she was eating dressed, then she did so quickly and nervously, standing up.

  When she had finished eating she smoked another cigarette, which meant she had to brush her teeth again to get rid of the smell of tobacco, rather than just rinse her mouth.

  She had bad teeth. Even as a child. She did not like her feet either. She looked at them in the mornings, while drinking, cursed them and called them names. She had her father’s feet. When she had reproached him for them he had playfully replied that his ancestors had always enjoyed good standing.