by Renee Dyer
I feel numb as Alex and I head back to his dorm. We washed his hands in the pond, but he didn’t have any extra clothes in the car. Luckily, we don’t run into anyone while walking to his room. I let out the breath I was holding as we close the door behind us. He showers after grabbing me a sweatshirt to put on. My nerves take over while he’s in the shower and I start shaking uncontrollably, tears falling down my cheeks. I was almost raped tonight. If I hadn’t called Alahna, I would have been. It hits me full force and I can’t stop the torrent of emotions that over take me.
That’s how Alex finds me. Huddled in a ball on his couch, crying uncontrollably. He rushes to me and scoops me into his arms whispering, “Shh, babe, I have you now. No one’s going to hurt you.” I collapse against his chest and let all of my emotions flow out of me. I cry until there’s nothing left. He never lets go. He never falters. He holds me and keeps telling me I’m safe, that he has me and no one will hurt me.
When my last tear has fallen and I’m strong enough to sit up, I do. I look into Alex’s green eyes, wanting to see if he’s forever scarred by what he did tonight to protect me. Something has changed there, but I’m not sure what it is. He’s looking at me differently. He gaze falls to my mouth and it confuses me.
“I’m sorry you got wrapped up in this mess, Alex. I didn’t know Lucas was a bad guy. He seemed so nice.” I’m embarrassed by my lack of judgment. I should be embarrassed that Alex found me in a compromising position with Lucas, but all I can think is I’m grateful that he did. He saved me from a night that would have forever haunted me—haunted me more than it already will. “Thank you for coming for me.”
“Of course I came for you, Adri. I’ll always come for you.” Anger crosses his face and I wonder what is was that I said. “It’s my fault this happened to you. You never would have been out with Lucas if I would have told you the truth.”
I’m completely confused. My exhaustion and emotions from the night must be paying their toll. I have no idea what he’s saying. How could he think he has anything to do with what Lucas tried to do to me? Alex is the kindest hearted person I know.
“I don’t understand, Alex. Why is this your fault? What have you not told me the truth about?” I stare at him, trying to figure out what is going on in his head. I see a war going on behind those green eyes I’ve been in love with for years. I want to tell him forget it, but I’m far too curious to go back now. Whatever he started to tell me, I need him to finish.
“Just forget it. This isn’t the time to talk about this. You should rest.” He starts to get up, but I pull him back onto the couch next to me.
“Don’t do that. Please, tell me. What have you not told me the truth about?”
He runs his hands over his face. When he looks at me again, I see pain there. All I want is to wrap my arms around him and take it all away. I’m not sure I want to know what he’s done if it’s going to make him look at me this way. I want my smiling, happy Alex back. The one who talks football and superheroes and eighties rock music with me. The Alex sitting in front of me looks like he could break at any moment and he should never look that way.
He takes my hand in his and starts to run his thumb over the top of my hand. I look down at our two hands. This isn’t normal Alex behavior. Not that he’s never held my hand before, but this is more intimate. What is going on with my best friend?
“Adri, I…” He stops and takes a few breaths. “I haven’t been honest with you. I thought I was protecting you, but tonight I realized I was wrong. So wrong. I… love you, Adri. I’ve been in love with you since we were kids, but I told you we were just friends because I thought you needed to live life first; see what was out there before settling on me. When I found out you were with Lucas tonight, I almost went crazy. I’ve heard what kind of guy he is. All I could think of was getting to you. You are all that has ever mattered to me. It’s always been you, Adri. You’re my perfect fit.”
“But… all of those other girls I’ve seen you go to rooms with?” I should have shut up. Should have let my heart rejoice in hearing him finally tell me he loves me, but he had pushed me away for so long that I didn’t want him to just be saying this because of Lucas. I needed to know if this was real.
“Nothing ever happened with those girls. It was all for show. I wanted you to think I was with them so you would start living your life.”
“What are you talking about? I saw you with them.” I feel my temper rising. After what happened with Lucas, I can’t take having Alex lie to me too. I know he can see my mood changing because he squeezes my hand. If he thinks that’s reassuring or calming, it isn’t.
“You saw me leave with them, that’s true. But I never slept with any of them. Most of them I just talked to, about you actually. I explained to them what I was trying to do for you and they thought it was so sweet they went along with it. Honestly, I was surprised that none of them ever said anything to any of the guys. This past year, I’ve been waiting for the lie to unravel and for you to find out. Every day I’ve lived in fear that you’d find out how I really feel and you’d never try to see what else was out there because you had already told me you loved me. I was trying to do what I thought was best.”
All I heard in that babble was that he never slept with any of those girls. “You’re still a virgin?”
He smiles at me, the smile that made me fall in love with him when I was six years old and has had me falling in love with him every day since then. “Yes, Adri, I’m still a virgin. I won’t lie to you and say I never kissed any of those girls or that I never messed around a little. I wanted to know how to do some stuff when it came to my turn to be your man. I wanted to be worthy of you.”
Okay, he needs to stop talking now. I don’t want to think about Alex doing anything with other girls. “You love me? Really?” I close my eyes and wait for his answer, hoping he meant it earlier. I’ve wanted this for so many years.
“I don’t just love you. I’m in love with you.”
I open my eyes to the most beautiful green staring back at me. “I love you too, Alex.” I don’t wait for him to say anything else. I put my lips to his. Most people would think it was wrong of me, but I need the memory of Lucas erased from my mind and I’ve been waiting for Alex for years. I was ready to give him my virginity on prom night and he turned me down. I was ready graduation night and he turned me down. I approached the subject again our freshman year of college and he told me I needed to see what was out there before settling on one man. Tonight, I am not letting him give me any excuses. He is in love with me and my heart is overflowing with the need to show him how much I love him.
Alex and I lose our virginity. It hurts, so much more than I thought it would, and it’s over fast. Yes, fast. Neither of us knows what we’re doing. It’s painful and sloppy, but Alex looks into my eyes the entire time. He holds me in his arms during and after and makes me feel cherished. I know I’m loved, so to me, my first time is perfect. I don’t orgasm like I read in my books and it never started to feel good, but I’m already looking forward to the second time when we can explore each other more. I fall asleep, feeling safe and loved in Alex’s arms. This is where I belong. Always.
“You see, Alex, that’s why I can’t let you go. It’s memories like that, that keep me holding onto you. But, it’s also memories like that, that make me realize you would want me to move on. You’ve been my Superman for so many years, my protector. I don’t know how I’m going to move on from you. You’re a tough act to follow.” I feel warmth surround me and it’s the first time in weeks I’ve felt Alex’s presence. I want to cry out in elation. I’ve missed him so much. I open my eyes that I had closed sometime in the midst of my memory and a shimmery image of him is before me. This time I do cry out. “Thank you, God.”
For the first time in…I can’t remember how many weeks, I fall asleep with a smile on my face. I was able to see Alex’s smiling, gorgeous face before falling asleep. He knows I’m trying to move on. I feel a little stronger.
Chapter Eight
Tucker
I stand off to the side, watching a scene unfold between Victoria and Grant. It’s obvious to me that he’s goading her again. I give Eddie a raise of my eyebrow, but he doesn’t know her the way I do. He shrugs. I don’t understand why she’s taking this shit from him. This isn’t the Vic I know. I shouldn’t be softening to her, not after what she did to me, but I can’t help but want to protect a woman when I know a man is harassing her. I was raised better than that. I see her flinch. It’s only fractionally, but I see it and a red haze starts to cover my eyes.
I swear, I’m going to beat that bastard one of these days.
The more I’ve regained my confidence and gone back to my old personality, the more I’ve watched Grant falter. He thought he was taking over here. Well, king shit is back and I’m ready to step on some toes. Only his. I want to scream out and ask him what the fuck he’s doing to her, but I know I have to play this smart. Whatever he’s doing, no one else is catching it.
Aside from that, Vic has been acting like a woman scorned around me. I don’t get it. She was with Grant for more than half of our relationship, but she acts like I am the one who cheated. I get the saying ‘Bitches be Crazy’ now. She refuses to meet my eye, so I can’t give her any indication that I know what’s happening or that I’ll help her. I’m not even sure why I want to. Maybe my dislike for Grant overrides my anger for her, but watching the woman I have always known as a shark cower like a woman abused enrages me.
I have to shove my hands into my pockets out of fear that I might ring Grant’s neck in front of the entire crew. His arrogance astounds me. How he or any man can openly intimidate a woman and not have any remorse, worse yet, actually seem to be getting off on it, makes me sick. I can’t help but wonder if he was the type who tortured animals as a teenager. There’s a cruelty behind his eyes that he tries to hide with his smiles, but he doesn’t fool me. He’s a predator.
Yvette, my assistant, taps me on my shoulder, jerking me out the stare down I was having with the back of Grant’s head. I look at her in aggravation because she knows not to bother me while the show is taping, but she’s holding my cell out to me. I raise my eyebrows at her, my silent way of asking her what’s up so as not to disrupt the others.
Very quietly, she says, “It’s a woman who says her name is Mick. She says that you know her and that it’s an emergency.”
Adriana!
My heart drops into my feet; I grab my phone and walk as fast as I can for the exit. I see Eddie staring at me and I wave him off. My breathing is erratic and I’m afraid to say anything, afraid of what awaits me on the other end of this call. Outside, I brace myself against the building. Even though I’ve been moving at a rapid pace, it all feels like it’s happening in slow motion. My body feels like Jell-O and I swear my heart is going to explode from my chest, it’s beating so hard. My mouth has gone dry and every nerve in my body is zinging in anticipation of the bad news I’m sure I’m about to hear.
Can my heart handle whatever Mickayla is going to tell me happened to my angel?
I bring the phone to my ear and try to slow my breathing. “Mickayla,” I rush out. “What’s happened to her?” I close my eyes, not sure I’m strong enough for what’s coming.
“She was wrong. You didn’t give up on her. Get your ass back to New Hampshire, Hot Stuff, and save my girl from this fucking hell she’s been living in.”
What the fuck did she just say?
“Come again?” I know I couldn’t have heard her right. Adriana walked away from me, blew me off after I chased her. Mickayla is not accusing me of being the one that ended things or hurting her. Ah hell no.
“I didn’t speak gibberish. Enough of this now. Hop on a plane and come sweep her off her feet. Show her she’s wrong.”
“It’s funny you say show, Mickayla. I’m in the middle of taping one right now.” My temper is getting the better of me now. “You told my assistant this was an emergency. I thought something happened to her.”
“I know. It proved to me that you still care about her.” She cuts off whatever I was going to say. “She thinks you stopped caring because of the last message you sent. I don’t blame you, by the way,” she quickly says, “but, she’s miserable without you. I didn’t want to have to do this, but I’m pulling out the bride card. I want you two to talk before the wedding. You obviously care about each other and need to work this shit out.”
Pinching the bridge of my nose to ward of the headache I feel coming on, I try to think of what to say to her next. She’s worse than any untrained animal and will not leave me alone about this, but she’s missing one point here. Adriana threw me away. If she’s miserable, it’s by her own making.
“Look, I’m sorry if Adriana is upset, but I don’t think it’s because of me. You need to get her talking about Alex. She misses him more than any of you realize. I thought I was what she needed, but I was wrong. I tried chasing her, but she never responded. Not once. I’m not what she wants.” It hurts more than I want to admit to tell Mickayla these things, but I need her to understand and to never call me about this again.
“Stupid ass. How much did you really chase her?” What the fuck did she just say? And why is she sighing at me? “You sent her texts and e-mails and you called, but did you ever make the big leap to really go to her? No. I can tell you this, Tucker.” Oh shit, she’s using my name. “Had you shown up in person, she would have never let you walk away. My friend has been lost since she walked away from you and her reasoning, which isn’t mine to tell you, well... in my eyes, it’s fucking plain stupid and it’s her grief talking, but I can’t get through to her. That’s why she needs to see you. And, before my wedding. Please come.”
“I can’t.” I don’t know how she did it, but she made me feel like the biggest asshole on the planet. The show is finally back on track and I can’t let the crew who has worked so hard the last few weeks fall behind again so I can go chase Adriana in hopes that her friend is right. As much as my heart cries out for me to run to the airport and hop on the first flight to New Hampshire, I know I can’t do it. She didn’t respond to any way I tried to contact her. There was nothing. Not a single blip.
Mickayla is wrong.
Closing my eyes again, this time to try to find strength for the argument I know I’m going to face, I allow my body to sag completely against the building. I’ve worked so relentlessly the last couple weeks to get my act together, get the show on track, and be the man everyone remembered, that I had to turn my emotions off while at work. Now they’re flooding me all at once and I’m drowning. Images of Adriana flash behind my closed lids.
Rapidly blinking my eyes, I focus on my shoes and try to reason with Mickayla. “There was no reason for me to go to her. Her silence told me all I needed to know. She never set up Skype for me to see her face, she never answered my calls, my texts, my Facebook messages. She walked away at the airport before I had time to turn around. She didn’t just walk, she ran. Her message was clear. I was slow to get it, but I eventually did get it. Going to her wasn’t going to change that and it won’t now either. I’m sorry, Mickayla, but I need to get back to work. If you still want me to be in your wedding, I will be. Let me know what you need from me.”
I can hear her huff a few times and I can picture her red hair flaming around her face. I know there’s a lot she wants to say to me. Mickayla can be crass and rude, but she’s a lot more than that. She cares for her friends and she and I have become friends. She loves Adriana more. I know that, but I also know she isn’t looking to hurt me. I’m sure she has her hand on her hip and she’s probably tapping her foot in frustration. The image brings a smile to my face despite the pain that this call has brought me.
“I understand why you feel that way. I really do, Tucker, but you’re wrong. You both are. You’re both coming from a place of hurt and neither of you are thinking with your hearts. I’m afraid you guys are goi
ng to lose out on something great in the name of protecting each other and I hate that I can’t do anything to change your minds. I’ll let you get back to work, but I’m going to tell you something my mom told me growing up and please think about it, okay?” She gets quiet, waiting for me to respond.
“Okay,” I respond quietly.
“Love never works when you let your head do the thinking. Talk to you later, Hot Stuff.” She disconnects the call as I’m saying goodbye and I stay standing there, slumped against the wall, the heat of the late August sun beating down on me. This is where Eddie finds me.
I tell him everything’s good and to give me a minute. I know he doesn’t believe me, but I can’t talk about it yet. I need time to process what Mickayla said.
Is she right? Is Adriana really lost without me?
What did she mean about us protecting each other? So many questions swirl through my mind, but they all come back to one. Can I open my heart to her again? Right now, that answer is no. So, I open the door and head back to the set to see if they’re ready for me. Even if I’m a mess of emotions, no one on the set will see it.
I’ll go out tonight as planned and meet Cammie, I think Eddie said her name is, the replacement for Victoria. It’s almost too bad that they decided to kill Vic off. She’s turned out to be a damn good actress. I mentally slap myself for sticking up for her. Again. This shit with Adriana has me off my game.
Shaking it off, I give the crew a smile, ask where we’re at, and put my acting face back on. Adriana and what I feel for her needs to take the back burner for now. The next few days are going to be grueling and I can’t deal with any emotional hang-ups.
Victoria is peeking at me and for the first time in weeks, I see the old her in there. She wants to know why I ran out. The relationship, friendship, whatever we had, shines in her eyes and I want to ask her what Grant is doing to her. I nod in her direction, trying to give her the okay to talk to me, but her face goes cold and once again I’m wondering what the hell I did to her.