The Problem Child

by Michael Buckley

  “Where are you taking me?” Sabrina demanded as a wave of bubbles escaped her mouth. She was surprised to find her voice sounded as normal as it did in air.

  The merman said nothing, only pointed to the rapidly approaching river floor where an incredible sight came into view. Nestled on the rocky bottom of the Hudson River was a city. It had skyscrapers, apartment buildings, and hundreds of mermen and mermaids rushing here and there in the neatly planned grid of streets. From high above, the city was a fantastically beautiful dream of green and aquamarine, but as the merman dragged her closer and closer, the city’s secret began to reveal itself. Everything was made out of trash. Entire buildings were made from discarded car tires and license plates. The sidewalks were paved with old bottle caps and the heels of shoes. Homes were constructed from old clothes, wagon wheels, flip-flops, garden tools, computers, antique telephones, grocery carts, beach chairs, cans, bottles, and thousands of tennis balls, footballs, and Frisbees, all stacked with expert care.

  The merman pulled Sabrina through the city gates and along a street made of crushed toasters and cast-iron skillets.

  “Where did you get all this stuff?” Sabrina said.

  The merman scowled and pointed toward the surface. She looked up, then down again at all the junk. No wonder her captor had so much contempt for her. Every nook and cranny of the odd city owed its existence to two hundred years of junk that people like herself had dumped into the river. Human beings were disgusting.

  He turned down one alley and then another. They passed dozens of shops carved out of sunken sailboats—some still had their names painted on the side. Merman and mermaid shop owners stood on the street calling out to passersby, trying to get them to buy old pop bottles and bicycle wheels. A mermother pushed an infant merbaby along the street in an old stroller.

  Soon Sabrina and the merman reached an enormous palace, nearly five stories high. From above, Sabrina had thought it was the most beautiful place she had ever seen, but now that she was in front of it she realized it was made of the same junk as the rest of the underwater town. A flight of stairs, which were actually old car bumpers, led to a large door which was guarded by a merman holding a dented trumpet in one hand and a trident in the other.

  “I have the last of the topsider prisoners,” her captor said.

  The merman guard nodded. “You may pass.” He swam over and pushed the door open, allowing them to enter a great seaweed-covered hallway. They continued through another doorway, this one unguarded, and down a flight of steps. At the bottom Sabrina saw several heavy wooden doors with metal bars on their windows. The merman took a set of keys from his belt, opened up the closest door, and shoved Sabrina inside. Daphne and Uncle Jake sat on a bench in the corner of the room. Daphne looked at her disapprovingly, while Uncle Jake gave her a pitiful smile.

  “You will be held here in the dungeon until her highness seeks your presence,” the merman barked. “Then you will be given five minutes to plead your innocence or guilt. Shortly after, you will be executed and your bodies fed to the lake’s parasites and bottom-feeders.”

  “What if we’re found innocent?” Sabrina said.

  “No one is found innocent,” the merman said. He exited the room, slammed the heavy metal door, and locked it tight.

  Sabrina turned back to her family. “I dropped the wand into the boat.”

  “It doesn’t matter anyway,” Uncle Jake said. “It won’t work underwater.”

  “If I am fed to bottom-feeders, I will never forgive you!” Daphne said. “You had to use magic. Granny said there was always a price, but you wouldn’t listen. What are we going to do now?”

  “I don’t know. We’re in big trouble,” Uncle Jake said.

  Sabrina and Daphne looked at each other. They didn’t have to say what they were thinking. In the short time they had known their uncle, he had been Mr. Confidence. If he was giving up already, then the situation was really bad.

  “You don’t know?” Sabrina said. “You’ve got an overcoat filled with magic stuff. Start searching your pockets.”

  “I doubt anything will work. Magic doesn’t like getting wet,” Uncle Jake said.

  “We don’t need any of your magic,” Daphne said. “I’ll do all the talking. I’ll tell the princess why we need her part of the sword. She’s the Little Mermaid. She’s really cool and nice and she’ll totally understand.”

  “Daphne, this isn’t the Little Mermaid from the movies,” Uncle Jake explained. “In that movie she fell in love with the prince and was happy, but in the real story, the one Hans Christian Andersen documented, the princess gave up her entire life to be with her prince and he abandoned her for another woman. He rode off and completely forgot about her. She’s never really gotten over it, and is still a little resentful toward humans. Actually, that’s an understatement. She hates humans, especially men. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”

  “What does scorned mean?” Daphne asked her sister.

  “It means she got dumped,” Sabrina answered, then turned her attention back to her uncle. “So what are we going to do?”

  Just then, the door flew open and two hulking merman guards entered. They wore heavy steel helmets and carried silver tridents, which they pointed at the group.

  “The princess will see you now,” one of them shouted as he swam over and grabbed Jake. The second brute clamped his big hands on the two girls and dragged them out of the cell. The guards forced the family down the hallway, and into a massive, high-ceilinged room and up to a pair of enormous doors covered in seaweed. An elderly merman with a bushy white beard and spectacles stood nearby at a podium reading a soggy book.

  “Yes?” the old merman said without looking up.

  “I have the topsiders who stole from the princess,” one of the guards said respectfully.

  The old merman took off his glasses and squinted as he examined the group. “Yes, yes, let them in,” he shouted. Instantly a school of catfish swam up to the door. Each grabbed on to a strand of seaweed with its mouth and together they swung the mighty doors open.

  The room on the other side was expansive, and though constructed out of trash, everything gleamed as if it were made from marble. In the center of the room was the backseat of an old car. It was strung with brilliant white pearls and sat on a pedestal of discarded milk crates. Sabrina thought it resembled a throne but it hardly seemed regal.

  The merman guards escorted the girls and their uncle up to the pedestal and forced them onto their knees.

  “Show some respect, ground-walkers!” one of the guards barked.

  Just then, a door on the far side of the chamber opened and several mermen swam into the room, carrying dented and broken musical instruments. They blew some bubbly, off-key notes, then a tall, thin merman holding a stone tablet swam forward. “All hail, Poseidon’s princess. Her majesty, the Little Mermaid!”

  Sabrina craned her neck to see the princess, but just then an outrageously overweight mermaid swam through the doors and blocked her view. It wasn’t until two mermen helped the enormous half-woman/half-fish onto the throne that Sabrina realized she was indeed looking at the legendary Little Mermaid. It took her assistants several minutes to get the princess into her seat and then several minutes more for the mermaid to get comfortable. When she was done, she was wheezing like a teakettle. Still, her overabundant body couldn’t hide the beauty she was. She had big blue eyes and a mane of gorgeous red hair that flowed to her ankles. She wore a seashell bikini top and an aquamarine sarong. On her head was a pearl-encrusted tiara.

  “That’s the Little Mermaid?” Sabrina said quietly to Uncle Jake.

  Uncle Jake nodded. “The breakup was very hard on her. She turned to food for comfort.”

  The princess picked up a conch shell sitting on the armrest of her throne and blew into it. A low rumbling note filled the air.

  “I am hungry. I want a treat,” she demanded.

  The skinny merman with the tablet approached the throne. “Your hi
ghness, if you will recall, last week you instructed me to not allow you to snack between meals. You told me to kill anyone who offers you anything that isn’t on your diet.”

  “I’m rescinding that order,” the princess said. “I want a treat. I’ve been good all day. I had my seaweed smoothie for breakfast and lunch and I swam on the treadmill for twenty minutes. I want a treat. I deserve a treat.”

  “But, your majesty . . .”

  “Treat!” she roared. “Now!”

  “Very well, your highness,” the merman said with a worried face. “Bring the princess a treat!”

  A second merman soldier shouted, “Bring the princess a treat!” followed by another and another. Soon, the side door flew open and a lowly merman wearing a chef’s hat and a white apron swam into the hall with a dented silver platter. He bowed before the princess, took the lid off, and presented a bright pink cake with squiggly tentacles poking out of the sides. She snatched it from him with greedy fingers.

  “It’s anemone upside-down cake, your majesty,” the chef said nervously. He bowed deeply, left the platter, and hurried off. The princess took a big bite of the odd cake. Sabrina knew her grandmother would die to have the recipe.

  “Oh, it’s heavenly,” the little mermaid said with her mouth full. “I think I’ll have another tiny bite.”

  She ate another, and then another, and another until the whole cake was gone. She looked down at the empty platter and started to cry.

  “My lady,” the skinny merman said nervously. “What brings you to tears?”

  “I’m fat!” she cried. “Look at me! I used to be thin! How could you let me eat that cake?”

  “But, your majesty . . .”

  “It’s the chef’s fault. I want you to feed him to the Cruel Crustacean!”

  “But, your majesty. He’s your favorite chef.”

  “Cruel Crustacean!” she roared. “Now!”

  “Feed the chef to the Cruel Crustacean!” the merman assistant shouted. It was quickly repeated throughout the room until a hulking guard ran out the side door with his trident.

  “What’s the Cruel Crustacean?” Daphne whispered.

  Sabrina shrugged. “Uncle Jake, do something.”

  “What?”

  “I don’t know. You said you were good with women. You figure it out,” Sabrina said.

  Uncle Jake smiled. “Your majesty, I think you’re being too hard on yourself. I don’t think you’re fat. I think you’re beautiful.”

  One of the merman guards stuck his trident dangerously close to Uncle Jake’s throat. “Silence!” he shouted. “You will not speak until the princess has given you permission.”

  “Who are these topsiders?” the mermaid asked as she licked the crumbs off her fingers.

  “These are the ones who stole your portion of the Vorpal blade,” the skinny merman explained to the princess. He set the broken sword on the throne and then backed away.

  “Is this true, topsider? Defend yourself!” the Little Mermaid demanded.

  “Yes, I stole it,” Uncle Jake said. “But the girls had nothing to do with it.”

  “You are confessing to your crime?” the Little Mermaid said, surprised. “Most of the topsiders I have met are liars. Why would you admit your guilt and face almost certain death?”

  “We need the blade to stop a Jabberwocky that is terrorizing the town,” Uncle Jake said.

  “Why would that concern me?” the mermaid said. “Let the monster destroy your town for all I care. Topsiders deserve no less! You are guilty! Feed them to the Cruel Crustacean!”

  The guards seized the Grimms.

  “Wait!” Uncle Jake cried. “There was another reason I did it.”

  “Let him speak,” the princess said.

  Uncle Jake stammered but then smiled and said, “I have a crush on you!”

  Daphne stepped forward. “It’s true. You’re all he talks about.”

  “Twenty-four hours a day,” Sabrina added nervously.

  “He thinks you’re a total hottie!” Daphne added as sincerely as she could. “He wants to marry you and have a million merbabies.”

  “You’re pushing it a bit far,” Uncle Jake muttered to the little girl.

  “Is this true?” the princess said. Even in the dim underwater light Sabrina could see her blushing.

  “I stole the blade because I wanted to meet you,” Uncle Jake explained. “I have been all over the world and have seen a lot of women but the rumors of your beauty could not be ignored. I had to risk my life to see if those rumors were true.”

  “Nonsense.” The princess giggled. “I’ve seen the celebrity magazines that float down here from your world. I know I’m not as thin as they are.”

  “Those women don’t hold a candle to you,” Uncle Jake replied. “Why, I bet if you came up to the surface you’d be in one of those magazines, too.”

  “Every word that comes out of your mouth is a filthy lie,” the princess snapped. Sabrina gulped. It seemed as if Uncle Jake’s plan had fallen apart, until the mermaid’s face softened and a wide smile appeared. “And I love every single one of them.”

  Uncle Jake looked over at Sabrina and winked. Their uncle had his own magic inside him. He was one of the most charming men she had ever met.

  “I know what I did was wrong, but I’m glad I did it. Too bad you’re going to kill us, though. I would have loved to go back to the surface and tell that ex-boyfriend of yours how gorgeous you still are. He lives in town. I hear he lost all his hair and moved back in with his mom. He’s pathetic. He got just what he deserved.”

  “You say he is miserable?”

  “Oh, yes. Just a shell of the man he once was,” Uncle Jake replied.

  The Little Mermaid smiled. “I wish I could see his face when you tell him how great I am doing.”

  “I could take a picture and bring it back,” Uncle Jake offered.

  The princess giggled mischievously. “That’s a very tempting offer.”

  “Since I would be going up there and coming back anyway, you could lend me your portion of the Vorpal blade. Once I’m done with it, I could bring it back to you with the picture and we can laugh at how stupid your loser ex looks.”

  The Little Mermaid and Uncle Jake laughed together.

  “All right, you naughty boy,” the princess said. “You’ve got yourself a deal. You are free to go and you can take the blade, too.”

  “Oh, I knew you would be wonderful!” Daphne said, clapping her hands. “I saw the movie they made about you. It was so romantic!”

  Uncle Jake put his hand over the little girl’s mouth but it was too late. The Little Mermaid’s face turned red and contorted with anger.

  “Romantic! Oh, yes, it was romantic. Unfortunately, it never happened! There was no happily ever after for me. He dumped me and ran off to marry some tart.”

  “But he’s bald now, princess,” Uncle Jake said. “Repugnant. Lives in his parents’ basement. Remember?”

  “He threw a lot of pretty words around but he didn’t really mean them. He got my hopes up and then he left me for the first thing with feet that came along. But what should I have expected from a topsider? My parents tried to warn me. My sisters did, too. All topsiders are the same. They’re nothing but a bunch of liars.”

  “Your majesty. It’s obvious you are upset,” Sabrina cried. “We’ll just take the blade and go.”

  “As I suspected! You’re not down here to give me compliments,” the overstuffed princess growled. She reached over and seized the Vorpal blade piece. “All you want is this! Feed them to the Cruel Crustacean!”

  The merman guards rushed to a huge wooden wheel that protruded from a nearby wall. Together they struggled to turn it, and as they did, the floor beneath the family disappeared and the Grimms sank into the waters below. They tried to swim back into the throne room, but a dozen vicious-looking mer-man guards blocked the way. Trapped, the family floated down to the sandy floor below and looked around.

  “This is bad, ri
ght?” Sabrina said, eyeing the dark chamber they found themselves in. “Anything called the Cruel Crustacean can’t be looking for a hug.”

  “Just stay close,” Uncle Jake said.

  “Look!” Daphne cried as an enormous creature took its first step into the light. It was as big as Granny Relda’s house, with eight fat legs that ended in spikes. Its eyes protruded from two long, armlike stalks that wiggled back and forth. It had a massive shell on its back and when it took a step, the ground beneath the family rumbled. Sabrina recognized the monster for what it was. The Chinese restaurant on the corner near their apartment in Manhattan had a much smaller one in a tank by the register. It was a hermit crab, a really big hermit crab.

  “Oh, I am going to have some really wicked nightmares after this,” said Daphne.

  Sabrina looked around the chamber. “There’s nowhere to hide in here. What are we going to do?”

  Uncle Jake took off his overcoat and dropped it at the girls’ feet. “I’ll fight this thing off as long as I can.” He rushed forward, shouting at the ugly beast to distract it from the sisters.

  Sabrina snatched her Uncle’s overcoat and searched through its pockets. “There’s got to be something here that will help.” She pulled out a red brooch with a black eye painted in the middle. She held it up and for a brief moment it glowed with power, but then it fizzled out. Sabrina grimaced and shoved it back into the pocket. She found a little black marble hidden in another pocket and threw it at the monster, hoping for some enormous explosion, but it bounced off the hermit crab’s shell and was buried in the sand.

  “What was that supposed to do?” Daphne asked.

  “Beats me! I’m trying everything.”

  While Sabrina searched, Uncle Jake did his best to stay out of the way of the hermit crab’s legs. It was no easy feat. The crab used them as impaling spikes, bringing them down hard and pulverizing the ground. If one of them connected with Uncle Jake, he’d be a goner.

  “Let me help,” Daphne said as she dug through the overcoat’s pockets as well.

  “I thought you said magic was bad,” Sabrina said.

  Daphne scowled at her sister and stuck her tongue out to give her a raspberry. Together they pulled out a variety of odd-colored rings, carved totems, voodoo dolls, and some amulets made from bones. They tried to activate each of the trinkets, but with zero knowledge of what they did or how to use them, they failed every time. Nothing was working, and the hermit crab had nearly made a shish kebab of their uncle.