Baby Aliens Got My Teacher!

by Pamela Butchart

  So I held the teddy and Jodi pulled its head really hard. But it wouldn’t come off! So then Maisie started pulling too, but it still wouldn’t come off! So I said we needed to go back to the classroom to get the Big Scissors, and then we heard a thump in the next cubicle and Zach’s legs poked through into our cubical. And Jodi said, “What are you doing in there?” And then we realised Zach had fainted.

  We’d never seen Zach faint before. But it was OK because Maisie said she knew exactly what to do. She gave him a drink of water from the tap and made him stay in the Recovery Position until he was feeling better.

  I was surprised that Zach had fainted because usually it’s Maisie who gets all scared and faints. But also because Zach said he wasn’t scared of killing the aliens. And Jodi must have been thinking the same thing because then she said, “You said you weren’t scared to kill the aliens?” and Zach said that he didn’t faint because of the aliens. He said it was because I said the aliens were going to look like peas. And then I remembered about Zach’s PEA PHOBIA. So I said that the aliens probably wouldn’t look like peas and that they would probably look more like long green beans but that didn’t seem to help so I just stopped saying things.

  So then we stuffed the teddy behind the toilet to keep it safe and waited until two minutes after the end-of-day bell had gone and then Jodi said, “It’s clear!” So we all ran along the corridor to the classroom to get the Big Scissors. And that’s when we bumped right into Miss Ross who teaches 1B.

  “THERE you are!” she said. “What ON EARTH do you think you’re doing running out of class like that? Everyone’s looking for you! Come with me.” And I was just about to make up a story about why we couldn’t come right now when I saw something sticking out of her bag. I couldn’t believe it. It was another TEDDY! And it was EXACTLY the same as Miss Jones’s teddy!

  The others saw it too and before I knew what was happening Jodi had grabbed it and shouted,

  (Which I knew meant we should forget about getting the Big Scissors and just RUN!) So we all ran down the corridor and Miss Ross was shouting for us to “COME BACK THIS INSTANT!” But we didn’t.

  We didn’t stop running until we got all the way to the other end of the school. And then we had to stop because there was nowhere else to go. But also because Zach said he couldn’t run any more because his side was hurting.

  Maisie was shaking VIOLENTLY and she was mumbling like a weird owl, saying, “There’s two. There’s two. THERE’S TWO!”

  I couldn’t believe it! There were TWO TEDDIES! Then Jodi said, “Someone’s coming! HIDE!” So we ran into the staff room because that was the only place left to go. And that’s when we saw the INCIDENT.

  We froze as soon as we got in. The Head Teacher was there and so were all the office ladies. And the office ladies were all SCREAMING in really weird high-pitched voices and waving EVEN MORE teddies around! And then one of them threw a teddy RIGHT at the Head Teacher. And we didn’t know WHAT was going on, but we knew that this was some sort of ALIEN INCIDENT!

  Everyone was screaming so much that nobody had noticed us yet. But then after a few seconds everyone stopped arguing and stared RIGHT AT US. And they all looked really shocked that we had witnessed their alien fight! And that’s when the scariest thing that has ever happened, happened. The Head Teacher SMILED at us. And so did all the office ladies! And then the Head Teacher said, “Erm, would you like a teddy?” And he started walking towards us with a teddy in his hand!

  And that’s when Jodi shouted, “DIE, ALIEN BEASTS!” and threw the teddy we’d stolen from Miss Ross right across the room and screamed,

  “COVER YOUR EARS! THE TEDDIES ARE GONNA BLOW!!”

  And we all screamed and ran the fastest we’ve ever run in our lives.

  So, like I said at the beginning of the story, when we got home Mum didn’t believe us about Miss Jones being an alien, and witnessing the ALIEN INCIDENT, and almost being turned into aliens by the Head Teacher and all the office ladies, and about how Jodi had probably saved us. And neither did Zach’s mum. And then I got sent to my room to do my homework. And that’s when I realised I couldn’t do my homework because we had run away from school and left our bags behind.

  So then I sneaked into Mum’s room and phoned Zach on his new mobile phone. And that’s when MISS JONES ANSWERED and she said, “IS THIS YOU, ZACH ROBERTSON?!” And I got such a fright that I slammed the phone down and dialled 999.

  The police listened to everything I had to say about Miss Jones and her teddy and the baby aliens and the Big Scissors and the ALIEN INVASION and all about the INCIDENT in the staff room with all the screaming and baby-alien teddies. And then the lady police officer on the phone told me that they would send an ALIEN UNIT to the school right away and send a police officer to my house.

  Mum wasn’t AT ALL happy when the police officer arrived. I tried to explain to her that he was here to see me, not her, and told her about the ALIEN UNIT. But then she just got really angry again and told me to sit on the sofa and be COMPLETELY QUIET.

  So I told the police officer (who looked a bit like the moon) all about what had happened and he said that there had NOT been an ALIEN INCIDENT at the school. And that the ALIEN UNIT had checked everything twice. And then he said that he had spoken to the Head Teacher and that the school was completely ALIEN FREE. And then he left.

  Then Mum said that I should go to my room. And she also said that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should I use the phone ever again. So I asked what would happen if she and Dad fainted simultaneously (which means at the same time) and I was not allowed to use the phone to phone an ambulance or to phone Zach. And then Mum and Dad both said, “GOODNIGHT, ISABELLA” (simultaneously).

  So I just went to bed, but I couldn’t sleep because I couldn’t stop thinking about what the police officer that looked like the moon had said about the school being ALIEN FREE. It didn’t make any sense.

  The next day, Mum said that Miss Jones had phoned and that she was bringing over my school bag, and also that she wanted to have a CHAT about everything that had happened at school yesterday.

  I REALLY wasn’t looking forward to Miss Jones coming round for a CHAT (especially on a Saturday!), because usually when teachers want to have a CHAT with my mum it’s because I’ve done something wrong.

  Like the time the Head Teacher said me and Jodi couldn’t sell our home-made perfume at school any more after Leanne Raynor got burns on her arms. I explained that Leanne Raynor must just have very sensitive skin and that it wasn’t our fault. But then the Head Teacher said that Leanne Raynor had lost TWO LAYERS OF SKIN and then he had a CHAT with my mum and she confiscated all our perfume-making equipment.

  So anyway, when Miss Jones came over, Mum told me to go up to my room. So I sat on the stairs instead, but I couldn’t really hear anything except for,

  “BUY ONE GET TWO FREE”,

  and

  “GRAVE MISTAKE”.

  Then when Miss Jones eventually left, Mum shouted for me to come downstairs. So I sneaked back up and shouted, “OK, COMING!” and then ran down the stairs.

  That’s when Mum explained to me what had REALLY been going on at school. Mum said that because all the teachers had been working very hard this year, the Head Teacher had bought them all teddies to say thank you. But then she said about how the Head Teacher had forgotten to get teddies for the office ladies too, and that that had been a GRAVE MISTAKE. Mum said that the office ladies had been really angry because they had been working very hard too and didn’t like being left out.

  Then Mum said that the Head Teacher realised what he had done, and bought all the office ladies really cheap teddies that weren’t as good as the ones he gave the teachers, and how that made everything worse! And that’s why everyone was shouting in the staff room when we walked in.

  Mum said they were all probably shocked to be caught arguing by pupils and that they were smiling at us so much because they were embarrassed. And then Mum said, “Poor Mr Murphy,” and she giggled a
bit.

  So I said that that didn’t really explain anything, like why Gary Petrie had tried to dance with me with his bogey fingers. And why the office ladies had said that the Head Teacher’s ears must have been BURNING and that,

  And also that I didn’t think that Mr Killington who teaches 4K would really LIKE a pink teddy that said, “You’re Great!” on it.

  And Mum said that sometimes people say your ears are burning if someone is gossiping about you. And that the office ladies had been gossiping about how the Head Teacher hadn’t given THEM teddies. Then she said that the office ladies had been speaking METAPHORICALLY. Which means that they didn’t actually mean the teddies were going to explode, they meant that they were so upset about being left out and that the SITUATION was going to explode (which means everyone would get angry and start shouting). And then she said that she was sure the Head Teacher had given Mr Killington a different gift. And I said I hope so. And that it should have been a bike, because I know he likes those.

  Then Mum said that we should be extra nice to Miss Jones because we had given her a fright. And that it isn’t OK to run out of class and worry her like that.

  And then she said maybe Gary Petrie was being nice because he LIKED me! YUCK!

  So on Monday, we all went to see Miss Jones before class started to say sorry and to give her the five-pack of Bounty Bars Mum had made me bring (even though I told her that Cup a Soups were Miss Jones’s favourite).

  We told Miss Jones that we were sorry for trying to decapitate her teddy and for running out of the classroom and for thinking that she was an alien planning an ALIEN INVASION of the school.

  Miss Jones started laughing. And then she said, “Yes, your mum did mention the ‘alien’ thing.” And then she started laughing again, and she wouldn’t stop laughing for ages!

  Then when she eventually stopped she said, “Why on earth would you think I was an alien?” So we told her about how it was weird when she started being nice to us all of a sudden and letting us do fun things and giving us treats and smiling and putting a weird teddy on her desk. And she said, “Oh. I see,” and then she looked a bit sad. So Jodi nudged me and I gave Miss Jones the five-pack of Bounty Bars and that made her cry a little bit, but not hysterically like before. She was crying because of happiness.

  Jodi said that she must REALLY like Bounty Bars. But I think she was so happy because we were probably the only pupils who had ever given her a gift before.

  I was just about to ask if I could have one of the Bounty Bars when I realised something. There was still one thing that hadn’t been explained. Why did the teddy move? The teddy hadn’t been an ordinary teddy … it had moved! It definitely had something inside it, and I DEFINITELY felt it move!

  So I said that we had all better go and put our coats in the lockers before class started. But I said it in my secret, “I’M PRETENDING LIKE EVERYTHING’S FINE VOICE BUT IT’S REALLY NOT!” And Jodi understood right away and she gave Zach a look and I started pulling Maisie out the door by her hood.

  And that’s when Miss Jones said, “Izzy, where IS my teddy?” And Zach started to tell her so I screamed, “NOWHERE!” and Jodi shouted, “RUN!” So we did. Again!

  We rushed to the girls’ toilets and all squashed into the end cubicle and Zach didn’t even moan this time, he just kept saying, “What? WHAT?” And so I told them about how there was NO EXPLANATION for why the teddy had MOVED! And then Jodi said, “The whole thing’s a cover!” And I explained that the teachers MUST be aliens and that we were right all along! And how they had just made up the story about the Head Teacher and the office ladies so they wouldn’t get caught!

  Then Jodi said we should take the teddy to the police station right away for evidence. But I said that they wouldn’t believe us and that there probably wasn’t any time and that we needed to decapitate the teddy, “ONCE AND FOR ALL!” and flush the baby aliens away.

  And then someone knocked on the cubicle door and it opened because we had forgotten to lock it. And it was Miss Jones!

  We were completely trapped. I was on top of the toilet holding the teddy and Jodi and Maisie were squashed against me and Zach was trying to slide under the gap into the next toilet.

  Miss Jones just stood there staring at us. That’s when I thought we were ALIEN MEAT. But then all of a sudden I felt really brave and so I said, “You’re not going to get away with this, Miss Jones! We know what you REALLY are! And we know what’s inside your teddy!”

  That made Miss Jones’s eyes go really big and then she did a little smirk. Then she pointed to the teddy and said, “Hold it tight.” And so I did because I didn’t want her to have it. And then she grabbed its head and ripped it off with one big pull! Then she shoved her hand into its neck hole and pulled something out. And it wasn’t a bag of baby aliens. It was a little plastic heart like the ones you get in the Teddy Factory!

  Miss Jones held it out in her hand and told me to press it. So I did. And the heart started beating. And Miss Jones burst out laughing again.

  But then Zach said, “What’s that?” and pointed to something that was poking out of the teddy’s neck ribbon. And I looked and saw a little piece of folded-up paper. And then Miss Jones pulled it out and looked at it, and then she fainted!

  When Miss Jones woke up, she was pleased that Maisie had put her in the Recovery Position, and that she wasn’t hurt, but mostly she was pleased about what the piece of paper had said.

  Miss Jones told us that the piece of paper was a note. And that the note had been a MARRIAGE PROPOSAL, and that her new boyfriend must have tucked it into the teddy’s neck ribbon when he gave it to her because they were IN LOVE, and that she was getting married. And we all knew that meant she was getting married to the Head Teacher because HE had been the one who had given her the teddy with the PROPOSAL. But we didn’t say anything, because it was a bit disgusting and we didn’t really want to think about it, even if it did explain why she had started being so nice to us. So we just said congratulations. And Zach asked if he could be the best man at the wedding and Miss Jones said she would think about it.

  So everything went back to normal after that. Miss Jones wasn’t an alien. There were no exploding teddies, no baby aliens and there was definitely NO ALIEN INVASION.

  So, just like before everything happened, Miss Jones made us all sit quietly and do our work until lunch.

  But then in the afternoon when we came back, the classroom didn’t smell like Cup a Soup, it smelled like chocolate milk! And it didn’t look ANYTHING like our normal classroom!

  All the tables and chairs were piled up at the back and there was a HUGE SPACESHIP made out of cardboard boxes in the middle of the room! And Miss Jones was dressed up like an alien!

  Her face was painted green and she was wearing a long tin-foil dress! And then she said, “WELCOME, 4J!” in a really weird voice.

  Everyone ran inside and started to put on the costumes that Miss Jones had made. We couldn’t believe it! Then Miss Jones smiled at me and handed me a tin-foil hat.

  It was the best school day EVER! I learned loads of stuff about aliens. Like that UFO means UNIDENTIFIED FLYING OBJECT. And that some people believe that aliens landed in a place called Roswell in America in 1947.

  But then Maisie turned to me and she had a weird look on her face. And I thought she was going to be sick because she’d had four alien milkshakes already. And then she said, “Miss Jones DOES seem to know an awful lot about aliens, doesn’t she?”

  And we all looked at Miss Jones and she winked at us. And that’s when Maisie fainted again.

  Acknowledgements

  I’d like to thank my fantastic agent, Becky Bagnell, for all of her help and for giving me a chance.

  Thanks also to my brilliant editor, Kirsty Stansfield, for all of her wise words and for finding the crisp twin funny.

  Most of all, thank you to Andy, for saying that I should. I couldn’t have done it without you.

  Copyright

  For my mum. Than
k you for everything.

  BABY ALIENS GOT MY TEACHER

  First published in the UK in 2014 by Nosy Crow Ltd

  The Crow’s Nest, 10a Lant Street

  London SE1 1QR, UK

  This ebook edition first published in 2014

  Nosy Crow and associated logos are trademarks and / or registered trademarks of Nosy Crow Ltd

  Text copyright © Pamela Butchart, 2014

  Cover and interior illustrations © Thomas Flintham, 2014

  The rights of Pamela Butchart and Thomas Flintham to be identified as author and illustrator of this work have been asserted by them under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

  All rights reserved.

  This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights, and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, incidents and dialogues are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictiously. Any resemblence to actual people, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.