Total Control (Losing Control Series Book 3)

by Wilder, Desiree

  ***

  By the end of the week, I knew my schedule and the layout of the wing like the back of my hand. What a week it had been. I’d learned so much about myself, my body, my failed marriage, and my hopes for the future. I’d met a group of women who were at all different stages of treatment, for all different reasons. I’d laughed and cried with them throughout the week. I’d held hands with some of them as they opened up to me about very personal and private things that had happened to them. Each story I heard made me stronger. Each woman who told a part of her story gave me the strength to tell another part of mine.

  As I laid in bed Friday night, I thought about Lex. He had been the topic of discussion for most of the week with Laura. She made me recall the very beginning, when he and I had met and fallen for each other. I remembered things that I hadn’t thought of in a very long time, good things. She made me recall the middle, when we were struggling over the troubles of having a successful pregnancy. She helped me feel what Lex must’ve felt at the time. How his dream was being taken from him, and how he had to put the blame on someone. We talked about the end, the last two years of our marriage, and how lonely we both were. I’d never felt so sorry for Lex. Although he did some hurtful things to me, he was hurting horribly too, and he didn’t know how to deal with it. Had we had some counseling or help, we may have been able to comfort each other and heal together, but the foundation was weak to begin with, and we actually had issues before the losses even happened. Laura helped me forgive Lex for everything, and now she was working on helping me forgive myself. She said I was making impressive progress.

  Chapter 16

  Ethan

  I sat there, staring at Sean’s card, wondering if I should call him. The girls said he was on my side, and that he’d helped Gia understand how I was feeling about the kiss. I appreciated that a lot. I dialed his number.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, Sean? This is Ethan, Gia’s uh…”

  “Ethan, hey, I’m glad you called. I’ve got to ask you, man, did you talk to Gia before she checked in?”

  “No, I missed her.” I was embarrassed.

  “Hey, that’s okay,” he said. “I’ve been curious about it all day. I knew she was trying to decide this morning whether or not to try to talk to you one last time, so I guess she decided not to, huh?” I was jealous he’d been with her that morning.

  “How was she this morning?”

  “Actually, Ethan, she was really good. I was surprised at how well she was holding it together. It’s a scary thing to do, checking yourself into therapy for thirty days.”

  “I’m really proud of her. Thank you so much for being there for her. I’m truly grateful, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you, Sean.” I knew I’d really let her down.

  “Hey, it was my pleasure. Gia is one of those rare women. You see her for five minutes and you can’t get her out of your mind. She’s amazing. You’re one lucky man, Ethan.”

  “I know I am, but I’m afraid my luck may have run out.” I thought about the email and the last paragraph. She wished me luck, how ironic.

  “No, I don’t think so,” Sean said. I sat straight up. “Ethan, I’m not gonna lie to you, Gia and I had a connection. We spent a good deal of time together and we flirted a lot.” I didn’t like that at all. “That’s Gia’s way, it’s her comfort zone. It makes her feel good, and she’s herself when she’s flirty. It’s the true Gia, and I assume it’s the opposite of the way she was being trained to act around Lex.” She told him about Lex? “She told me one of the things she liked the most about you was that you loved it when she was being herself, carefree and silly.” I smiled. I was sure glad she’d told Sean that.

  “Like I said, I’m not gonna lie to you. There wasn’t anything inappropriate that happened between her and me. There was something about her, something familiar, and I was just happy to be in her company. I want to help her, I care about her, and that’s why I wanted to talk to you.” He was a good kid. I pushed my stupid jealousy issues aside.

  “I believe you, Sean. I’m so relieved that Gia spent her time with you and not that Zane character.”

  “That guy was unbelievable! He was obsessed with trying to get her to his room. She saw through him, though, Ethan. She said she told him off at the after party.” He laughed.

  “Good for her.” I was proud of her.

  “I keep getting off track here, but back to trying to help Gia. I’m going to tell you something that you’re not going to like, but then I’m going to prepare you for the worst, okay?” Shit, I don’t like the sound of this.

  “Okay, let’s do it.”

  “Therapy is going to dictate whether you and Gia work it out or not. Well, in her mind, anyway. It’s all going to depend on what she says about you, what they say back to her about you, what kind of a therapist she has, and how Gia responds to all that.”

  “They’re going to talk about me?” I was confused by that, and nervous.

  “Of course. You’re a big part of Gia’s life. After they deal with the past stuff, they’re going to get into the present and the future. Gia is crazy about you, Ethan; they’re going to see that, it’s obvious when she talks about you.” I wanted him to repeat that, but I didn’t ask.

  “Thanks, I needed that,” I told him.

  He chuckled. “I’m sure you did, you’re welcome. So, there are some things they’re not going to like, and they may suggest to Gia that a relationship with you right now would not be in her best interest. That’s worst case scenario. They may not suggest that, they may tell her to be careful and go slow. It all depends on what she tells them, and how they take it.”

  “What are they not going to like about me?” I was afraid to hear the answer.

  “Well, the short time you’ve known each other, the amount of sex you’ve had, the fact that you’ve had a crush on her from a distance, the fact you’ve slept around a lot, and last but not least, the fact that you broke it off with her right before she went into treatment for a month.”

  “Is that all?” I joked. I felt like an asshole. “Why in the world were you on my side after you heard all that?”

  “Because she told me the whole story. I fell in love with someone very quickly, so the short time you’ve known each other is not even an issue with me.”

  “Thank you!” I interjected. I was so sick of everyone bringing that up. Finally, someone who felt the same way I did. It didn’t matter!

  He laughed. “You’re welcome!”

  He talked about the other issues. He thought they were all good things when you looked at the whole picture. He was just worried that they’d pick them apart in therapy and make me look bad. I appreciated him so much for taking the time to point all this out to me so I knew what Gia was going through in there.

  “What can I do here and now to make it easier for Gia when she gets home?” I asked.

  “The hardest part for me was the unstructured parts of the day. While she’s there, her entire day is planned out for her. She’s following a schedule from six in the morning until eleven at night. When she gets home, she’s going to be lost without that. I know she has an eight to five job during the week, which is good. You’re going to need to get with her family and friends and make some sort of plans with Gia in the evenings and on the weekends. Don’t make it obvious to her that you all are doing it, just do it nonchalantly. She’s going to be so used to being around people all the time, she’ll go along with it. Slowly wean her after a couple of weeks. She’ll need some alone time by then, just not right away.” I could tell he really cared about Gia.

  “Okay, no problem there,” I told him. I asked him what he thought of various things I’d considered doing for Gia and he gave me some feedback on them. He was really helpful, and I had a feeling I’d be calling him a lot while Gia was away.

  “Yes, please, call me anytime you want to talk. I know it’s got to be tough for you right now, too,” he said. “I’m gonna try to get in to see her this Saturday or S
unday.” My heart leaped.

  “She can have visitors?” I’d be on a plane so fast.

  “Well, she’s not supposed to have any contact for ten days, but I’ve been doing some intern work over on the male side of the facility, and I’m hoping I can negotiate my way into an early visitation. But yes, there is family and visitation time on Saturdays and Sundays.”

  “I’ll be there next weekend, then. I have to see her.” I was excited about this news.

  “Cool, you can stay with me; don’t waste your money on a room.”

  “Thanks, Sean. Will you let me know how your visitation goes? Will you tell her I love her if you get to see her?”

  “Sure. I’ll talk to you soon, Ethan. Take care.”

  Wow. What a nice kid. I felt better. Sean gave me a lot to work on and to think about. I felt closer to Gia. I hoped Sean would be able to get in to see her that weekend. I opened my email and stared at the picture of her in the Victoria’s Secret dressing room. She was so sexy when she’d called that day, getting me to ask her what she was wearing. She was always full of surprises, I never knew what she’d do or say next. I was grinning from ear to ear.

  I planned to go to the city the next day to get some shopping done. My new Entertainment Manager was coming on Wednesday, so I’d need to be around for him. Thursday would be another free day, and Friday thru Sunday were concert days, so I’d stay fairly busy. I’d need to get my airline ticket booked for next weekend, and make sure Trey would be willing to handle everything at The Lock while I was gone.

  ***

  I kept busy all week, but I thought about Gia constantly. I was missing her like crazy. The concerts went good Friday night, as I expected; the rest of the weekend, too. I was anxious to hear from Sean. I prayed that he’d be able to see Gia. I was sure she’d love the visit. I drove up to Sunset before I went to the morning meeting. I’d been up there every day that week.

  Chapter 17

  Gia

  Sleeping in on Saturday was nice. Actually, I woke up at six, my internal alarm was used to it already, but I stayed in bed until seven. I kept my eyes closed. I purposely thought of Ethan, hoping I’d fall back to sleep and dream about him; no such luck. I got up and headed to the gym. I’d gotten used to working out during the week, and although we weren’t required to on the weekend, I wanted to.

  It had become a ritual to fantasize about Ethan as I worked out. Maybe that was why I enjoyed it so much. When I stretched, I pretended he was watching me from behind, waiting for me to ask him to join me. When I jogged on the treadmill, I pretended he was in front of me, and I was trying to catch up to him, which I always did in the last mile. My favorite part I saved until last. While I did weight training, I fantasized about making love to him, or fucking him, depending on my mood and what I was listening to on my iPod. I’d think about things we’d done, or things I wanted to do with him, or to him. It was a great way to make a workout interesting.

  I headed to the shower, where I fulfilled my fantasy with Ethan. Well, with the shower head, actually, but I was turned on and desperate for a release. He was a part of my day, every day, and I didn’t know what I would’ve done if I didn’t have that.

  Breakfast was at nine-thirty. I was famished and ate my entire omelet and all of my fruit. Then I headed for my second favorite part of the day, meditation. Part of my relaxation ritual also included Ethan. He had become a part of my therapy and didn’t even know it.

  At ten-forty I was back in my room, ready for a nap. There were family counseling sessions going on, but I didn’t have any family here, so it was free time for me. We were heading to the beach later as a group outing. I was excited for that. I put my ear buds in and pulled up the playlist Ethan had made for me. As soon as the song started, I was back on the desk in his office.

  Poison – Every Rose Has its Thorn. “I sat on the back steps, after I’d left you on my desk, and listened to this. It had always been one of my favorite songs, but at that moment it felt like I was hearing it for the first time. It took everything I had not to run back to you. I knew that you had things you needed to work out within yourself before you could let me in. I had to let you go and hope that you would come back to me. We all have thorns, Gia, you don’t want me to see yours, but you don’t understand—when I look at you, all I see is the rose.”

  Tears ran down my cheeks. He was the sweetest man I’d ever known. I started the song again, from the beginning, and closed my eyes. My heart was pounding hard as I turned the volume up. I could feel it in my chest and my breathing quickened as I let my thoughts run wild with Ethan. I could feel his lips on my neck. They were soft and moist as he planted kisses all the way up to my hairline. I shivered as his breath hit my ear. When the song hit the climax, goose bumps covered my body and my nipples grew hard. I swallowed and slowly opened my eyes as the last notes came through my ears.

  I knew I should’ve brought my vibrator! I considered taking another shower, but it wasn’t exactly what I was craving. I needed Ethan. I needed to feel him ease into me and fill me up. I was sure I could orgasm in record time, probably two or three thrusts and I’d be there. I was frustrated sexually, I needed release. Ethan had turned me into a nympho, I just knew it. I grabbed a paper and pen. I decided I’d feel better if I wrote to him.

  Dear Ethan,

  I’m missing you terribly. The playlist you made for me makes me remember all the times I had you right where I needed you…

  I jumped off the bed. Who am I kidding? There’s only one way to stop this. I locked myself in my little bathroom and pulled my shorts and panties off. I closed my eyes and Ethan was there in an instant. He had his hands on me and I was ready for him. He massaged my clitty and eased a finger into my wetness. I could see his gorgeous face, his eyes were full of desire for me. He whispered for me to come, and I did. Aahhh, relief.

  I felt so much better. I washed my hands and got dressed. I’d never worked myself up into such a tizzy before. Ethan had that effect on me. I never knew how mind blowing sex could be before Ethan. I wondered if it was as good for him as it was for me. He’d had so much more experience than I, with so many more partners. Was I good in bed? The thought made me panic for a second. I wanted to please him sexually. No, I wanted to blow his fucking mind. I wanted him to have an orgasm so intense that it almost made him pass out, like he’d given me. Was it even possible? I wanted to do some research. I was going to be a fucking expert by the time I left that place, literally. I giggled with excitement.

  After lunch we headed to the beach. I was in awe. I stood in the sand and watched the waves roll in. I hadn’t even set my stuff down, I literally froze in my tracks and stood, mesmerized. I’d never swam in the ocean. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath through my nose.

  “C’mon, Gia!” Brynn was running toward the water.

  I dropped my things next to theirs, tore off my shorts and tank, and ran after her. The water was warm and cool at the same time. It felt cleansing and fresh. Brynn and I were like kids as we splashed and played while the others watched from the beach, laughing at us. I waved for them to join us, but they just waved back and stayed on their blankets.

  “Why won’t they come in?” I asked Brynn.

  “Well, some are afraid of water, some don’t want to get their hair wet, some don’t want to be seen in their swimsuit, they have issues.” She smiled at me, knowing we all had our issues, but ours didn’t involve keeping us out of the water.

  I noticed a volleyball game going on near our spot. I loved playing volleyball and wondered if I could get into the game. I may never have the opportunity to play on a real beach again. Brynn noticed my interest.

  “Do you want to play?” she asked.

  “Yes! Do you?”

  She smiled and we ran to our spot and dried off with our towels. We walked over and sat in the sand, watching. There were four guys on each side, no girls. They were having a blast and we decided it was probably best to stay spectators. They finished their game and w
ere switching sides when one of them called out to us.

  “Wanna play?”

  “We wouldn’t wanna bust up this testosterone party.” I laughed.

  “Don’t be silly. Besides, a little estrogen always makes a party better,” he hollered and they all waved us in.

  We ran in. I joined the side with the guy who hollered at us. “I’m Gia,” I said as I landed right in the middle. “I’m very competitive and I cuss a lot during sports, just a warning.”

  They all high-fived me and introduced themselves. We began to play and I could tell they were being careful around Brynn and me.

  “Hey, time out, guys,” I said. “Brynn and I came to play. We’re not cheerleaders, and we’re not worried about sweating or breaking a nail.”

  “Well, okay then,” one of them said, and then it was on like Donkey Kong. Brynn and I played hard and we played well. It was a blast. My tit only popped out of my bikini once, which I thought was pretty good, since it wasn’t one you’d pick to be active in. The other team missed the ball and blamed it on me, but I told them all was fair in love and war. My team tried to get me to flash them when we returned their game point serve, but I didn’t, of course. After the second game, we took a break. They offered us a beer, but that was strictly off-limits for us, so we stuck with bottles of water.

  Most of us went for a swim and they were a riot in the water. I thought I was competitive! Those guys talked Brynn and me into standing on their shoulders and seeing which one could launch us the furthest into the ocean. We were having so much fun, we hadn’t noticed the girls packing up our stuff. We had to go.