Baby Batter

by Alexis Angel

  By the way, you probably think by now that I’m a raging alcoholic, but I promise you I’m not. I just have a few occasional drinks with friends, every now and then. You just happen to show up in every chapter where I’ve got a drink in hand.

  Okay, well maybe it’s more like three or four fucking times a week, but what does it fucking matter? I need to embrace the stress relief.

  I nod my head.

  “I think so.”

  Molly looks at me and shakes her head. She’s unconvinced and I don’t blame her.

  “I don’t think you know what you fucking want.”

  “Well, in his defense, he’s really sweet to me,” I say.

  “Yeah, and sweet when it comes to dipping his cock in your honey trap.”

  “Oh my God, Molly, you are fucking insane.” I erupt with laughter.

  “What? It’s true,” she says defiantly.

  “Are you telling me I’m acting like a guy right now?” I stand up and tease her.

  “If the shoe fits.”

  “Oh please,” I inflect with my best valley girl accent. “I don’t even have a cock to swing around or use as a second brain.”

  “Well then, his cock must be big enough to mind trap the both of you,” Molly laughs.

  “It is spectacularly enormous,” I say dreamily and stare off into space.

  “You’re pathetic.” Molly rolls her eyes and playfully punches me.

  We’re at my house and it’s a Sunday. We try to unwind and prepare ourselves for the woes of Monday morning knocking its ugly fucking hand on the door.

  “He has a lot of instability, but it’s all from emotional problems,” I say, coming to his defense.

  “Let me guess, he uses sex as an excuse?” Molly drips sarcastically.

  “Probably,” I laugh. “I don’t care, I get to have orgasms too.” I wink.

  “You’re a dirty girl,” she says.

  “So I’m told,” I say and laugh mischievously.

  “Seriously, though.” I get back to my first point. “I think he’s been through a lot. His dad left him when he was just a kid.”

  “How do you even know he’s telling the truth?” Molly crosses her arms.

  “What do you mean?” I ask, coming to attention.

  “Don’t you think he might be playing you? Like maybe he’s just saying he had a rough childhood so that you’ll pity him, and it will be easier to get you into bed?”

  “You forget,” I say as we walk out onto the balcony at my house, “I’m the one who wants this baby batter contract.”

  “So, you’re the one tricking him into bed then?” Molly’s eyes are twinkling with playfulness.

  “I suppose that’s one way to put it.” I sit down in one of the seats outside. “I can just tell he’s softer now.” I gaze absently out into the tree-lined park below us.

  “Oh…my…God,” Molly exclaims as if she’s having an epiphany.

  “What?” I grin and look at her sideways.

  “You’re starting to care for him!”

  I scoff, or sort of snort. Maybe it sounds more like a wail of denial.

  “No fucking way.” I shake my head so hard I feel like my brain might fucking fall out of my head.

  “You so fucking are!” Molly shouts again.

  I look up at her.

  “Can you yell it a little louder? I don’t think that fucking jogger down in the park heard you.”

  She sticks her tongue out at me.

  “It all makes sense now,” she says in a rush. “You’re starting to care for him.”

  “I am not; it’s just a business deal.” I continue to shake my head defiantly.

  “You just don’t realize it yet.” Molly makes eye contact, grinning.

  I stand up and look down over the edge of my balcony to the city streets below. What if she’s fucking right? Is it true? Can she see other factors to this relationship than I have yet?

  Fuck. Not good at all.

  “Are you saying my viewpoint is not as enhanced as yours?” I joke.

  “Not necessarily, I just know you and I see the tell-tale signs,” she offers.

  I shake my head again, refusing to believe there’s truth to her observation.

  “No, there’s just no way. I mean Zane?”

  I laugh again, albeit unconvincingly.

  “He’s hot, but that’s all I’m in for,” I say. “To get filled up with that baby batter.”

  “Yeah, he’s a fucking prick, no doubt,” Molly agrees. “I can just tell by your demeanor that you might actually like him now.”

  “I suppose I have to like him to a certain degree in order to have the baby batter contract enacted,” I say. “I mean I do have to fuck him on the regular.”

  “That’s right,” she agrees. “Which I’m sure is such a chore.”

  “It would just be a huge mess if we actually became a couple,” I remind her, ignoring her jab. “We’re not good for each other.”

  “You have the allergy too?” Molly looks at me.

  “Huh? What allergy?” I have no fucking clue what she’s talking about.

  “You know, the allergy that’s basically a sickness against arrogant assholes?”

  I roar with laughter and nod.

  “Yes, I fucking have that, and it’s fucking incurable.”

  “It’s a terrible idea to get involved with him,” Molly says.

  “I know, you are absolutely right, but I want this baby.”

  Just that moment, there’s a knock at my door. Molly and I exchange a look and we both walk slowly to the door. After the encounter with David the other day, I’m fucking skittish that he’s going to show back up at my house and tase me or something.

  I stare through the peep hole.

  “Fuck!” I whisper in a hiss. “He’s back!”

  “Who?” Molly’s eyebrows furrow.

  “David!” I murmur again.

  “Holy fucking shit!” Molly says a little too loudly, then realizes her mistake and covers her mouth.

  “Piper?” David’s voice calls through the door. “I can fucking hear you, Piper. I know you’re in there.”

  “So what? It’s my fucking apartment,” I retort. “Go the fuck away, David, before I call the police.”

  “Just let him in,” Molly says.

  I look at her like she’s fucking crazy.

  “Are you out of your fucking mind?” I shriek. “The guy is certifiable.”

  “I just want to know what he has to say,” she whispers.

  “Okay, I’ll leave a note for our families to put that on our fucking tombstones then!” I say. “Here lies Molly and Piper, who were just too curious for their own fucking good.”

  “He’s not going to hurt us,” she rolls her eyes. “It’s David.”

  “He’s acting crazy lately,” I protest. “Seriously. He creeped me the fuck out last time.”

  Molly swoops past me and opens the door.

  “Molly!” I exclaim, but she’s right. I want to know what’s eating David alive to the extreme that he won’t leave me alone.

  David is standing there, looking normal as fuck. In fact, he looks like he just stepped out of an Abercrombie magazine. Sort of. He’s wearing a blue North Face jacket and khaki pants. He’s the epitome of a fat brother.

  “What do you want?” I cross my arms.

  “This is your last chance Piper,” David warns, his fists clenching at his sides.

  “Um, for what, asshole?” I laugh and look at Molly, who raises her eyebrows.

  “To take me back,” he says firmly.

  “Why would I want to take you back?” I ask.

  “If you don’t get back together with me, I’m going to destroy you.”

  Holy shit.

  His eyes are malicious. I recoil but hold my ground.

  “Screw you!” I shout, taking offense.

  “Okay,” he says and holds his hands up. “I’m going to destroy you then.”

  “Whatever!” I yell and slam the d
oor in his face.

  I’m seething, and my heart is racing in my chest.

  “Can you believe that fucking guy?” I point a finger at the closed door. David doesn’t try to get back inside, thankfully.

  “What do you think he means by ‘destroy you’?” Molly leans against the wall and I notice anxiety fall over her face.

  “Don’t worry about that.” I wave a hand dismissively. “He’s obviously going off the deep end over our breakup.”

  I look at Molly again and she seems shaken, which is odd because Molly never fucking falters.

  Shit, am I in trouble? Is David more dangerous than I think?

  21

  Piper

  “Hello?” I breathe into the phone with frustration as I try to scoot away from the sweaty guy sitting next to me on the subway.

  “Piper?”

  It’s Zane, and he sounds confused.

  “I can’t really hear you,” he says.

  I roll my eyes.

  “That’s because I’m fucking riding the subway today.” I blow out a puff of air. “You don’t even know how bad it fucking smells down here.” I hold my nose.

  Two women on the other side of the train give me a sour look as if I’m some rich, pretentious bitch.

  I may be all three of those things, but never at the same fucking time.

  “What the fuck are you looking at?” I snarl at them. I’m in no fucking mood this evening.

  “Calm it down, Piper, before you get yourself killed,” Zane jokes nervously.

  “You don’t even fucking know what my day was like today,” I say. “My newest design orders are not coming in until next week, and I need them like…um, yesterday.” I chuckle with the irony of my life.

  “Okay, well…um, I’m actually calling to see if you want to go out to dinner with me tonight,” Zane says, and I can tell he’s nervous and wants to stay out of a woman’s way who’s obviously breathing fire right now.

  “I don’t feel like it tonight,” I blurt out rashly. “Sorry, I’m just tired as shit and it’s hot in this subway, like being on the surface of the fucking sun.”

  I pull my hair off the nape of my neck, trying to cool myself down the best I can.

  “I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a shitty day,” Zane says apologetically into the phone.

  “What do you care?” I scoff. “You don’t have anything to do with it.”

  “Well, I do have the potential to turn it around and make your day at least have a happy ending.” His voice is charming, just like always.

  “I just want to relax at home.” I remain adamant. “I don’t really feel like going out tonight.”

  “Okay, but you’ll really be missing out,” he says, obviously trying to convince me one last time.

  “Oh yeah? How so?” I’m smiling now. Fuck, he already has the ability to lift my mood. What’s up with that?

  “I don’t want to go into detail, but it involves a lot of Tequila and maybe some break dancing in China Town.”

  I laugh, picturing the scene.

  “Tequila and I are no longer friends. In fact…I had to change my name and go into witness protection for that shit.”

  “Alright,” Zane sighs. “You win, I’ll talk to you later, I guess.”

  We hang up and I feel terrible for disappointing him, but I’m just ready to fucking unwind and forget that half the people in this city even fucking exist. Not to mention, I still have David’s vague threat plaguing the back of my mind.

  When I get home, I throw my keys onto the counter and miss. They go directly into a bowl of spaghetti I forgot about and left on the counter last night. Oops.

  I shake my head and yell with frustration as I try to wipe down the keys. Normally, I’m super organized and like to keep a tidy home, but I guess tonight is just not my fucking night and the spaghetti plate is there to taunt me.

  I jump in the shower and relish in the way the steam hits my pores, opening them up and quenching my thirsty skin.

  I feel like I have to scrub the subway grime off my body and it might take days until I feel fully clean again.

  When I get out of the shower, I grab the remote and pop up Netflix, not even bothering to fix myself any dinner.

  I plop down on the couch and sigh with relief. My aching leg muscles from wearing six-inch heels all day finally stop protesting.

  Then I hear it, another knock on the door.

  What the fuck is going on? Seriously? What did I do in my past life to deserve this shit?

  I groan and stand up, going to look out the peep hole, expecting it to be David standing there again.

  To my surprise—and maybe a little delight—I see Zane. I whip open the door and stare at his handsome face. He’s wearing a grey t-shirt and dark jeans, looking sexy as hell.

  “What are you doing here?” I grin from ear to ear, not able to fucking help myself.

  “I come bearing gifts,” he says and holds up the unmistakable universal brown bag that symbolizes it’s full of Chinese food.

  “You sly dog,” I say and move aside to let him in.

  “I figure if you don’t want to go to China Town, I’ll bring China Town to us,” he beams.

  “That’s something I can get on board with.” I shut the door and walk with him to the kitchen where he opens the containers.

  “Fuck yes! Sweet and sour chicken? It’s only my fucking favorite Chinese dish ever!” I yelp and grab a piece out of the container, popping it into my mouth at once. Savory flavor bursts on my taste buds and sends me into food Heaven.

  “Oh yeah,” I say with a mouthful of chicken. “That’s good stuff.”

  I can tell Zane is proud of himself for finagling his little surprise.

  “You earn some trophy points tonight, buddy,” I say and dip another chicken piece into soy sauce, soaking it completely in the delicious black stuff before I eat it.

  “Does that mean you’ll put out tonight?” he jokes and takes a sip of his water.

  “I’m always up for baby making games.” I wink seductively at him.

  “That’s good to hear,” he says and stares at me for a few seconds.

  “What?” I laugh, feeling vulnerable.

  “Nothing,” he says and shakes his head. “You’re just really cute in sweatpants.”

  I look down. Fuck! Oh my fucking god. Seriously? I forgot about my revolting wardrobe. Like babe, what the fuck would you do if the hottest guy you’ve ever fucked saw you in shitty ass sweatpants? Want to crawl straight into a hole? Yeah. That’s me right now.

  “Sorry,” I shrug, playing it off. “I didn’t expect a handsome hunk to walk through the door tonight.” I point to my TV. “As you can see, my other date is waiting over there.”

  Zane clicks his tongue.

  “Netflix is tough competition.”

  I giggle, realizing how much fun I’m having with him, and I love witnessing this sweeter side to his otherwise abrasive personality.

  He’s making me feel better, but that’s also a factor that scares me. What if Molly really is right and I’m actually falling hopelessly, madly in love with him?

  We’re like Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks in You’ve Got Mail. We start out as enemies who end up falling in love. It’s a scenario I’m not so sure I want to get on board with, but Zane gives me the fucking warm-and-fuzzies.

  Calm down you fucking dramatic bitch. I need to dial down the crazy on this pressure cooker and take it one step at a time.

  “Thanks for bringing the food.” I grin. “You’re right, this totally makes my night.”

  “I know,” he says. “I have a knack for charity.”

  “So I’m your pity case?” I joke and he tickles me.

  Fuck, I’m so screwed, and it’s not in the good kind of way. I need to convince myself that what Zane and I have right now is merely a contract for making a baby, no strings or feelings attached.

  I just want to be able to convince myself that I don’t want him as a companion too. I can totally do
that. Right? You bet.

  22

  Zane

  Piper’s laugh makes me feel amazing, giving me an adrenaline high I don’t want to come down from.

  I have no problem telling her she’s cute, but on the inside, the wicked part of my brain is screaming for me to run away from these feelings.

  The only problem is, I can’t fucking run because the contract has my John Hancock signature all over it.

  But I’m enjoying being with Piper in the moment, and I can be with her fucking sexy tan legs for days.

  I run my hands up and down her slender thigh, and she giggles with the tickling pleasure of my touch.

  “You like that don’t you, you naughty little girl.”

  “Am I naughty?” She pouts her lip and winks.

  I grin at her with wild eyes and a hungry heart. Not to mention, my boner is pulsing yet again in my pants longing for her. It’s like constant boner alert when I’m with her. Not that I mind.

  “Naughty in a good way,” I say.

  “Do you feel like spicing things up?” She stands up and twirls around, looking sexier than ever in just a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. And what the fuck is that about? I must be losing my fucking mind. But it’s the truth.

  “I always like to spice things up.” I grin.

  That’s how I know I’m fucking in trouble.

  We’re just sitting around, eating Chinese food while she hangs out in sweatpants. And I still think she’s adorable. I still want to be here, no fucking strings attached. No baby contract, nothing. I’m just happy to be with her.

  Fuck, I’m royally fucking fucked.

  Zane Tanner isn’t excellent when it comes to expressing feelings, let alone love. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m in love with Piper, but each time I see her, my heart skips a beat.

  What does that mean? Like seriously, tell me. Because I’ve never had that happen before.

  I mentally push the idea of falling for Piper from my head. No, this is simply about the agreement, and nothing more. After all, it’s possible to be close to someone you enjoy sleeping with.

  From my perspective, once I give her my baby batter and she gets knocked up, that seals our deal and I’m home free.