Madison Johns - Agnes Barton 02 - Grannies, Guns and Ghosts

by Madison Johns

  I scrambled to my feet and kicked the gun away.

  El ran to me. “I didn’t want to shoot him, I was afraid someone might get hurt, besides the gunman that is.”

  “Good thinking.”

  Just then the perp jumped up and ran out of the bank. His skinny legs moved like the dickens.

  “Is everyone okay?” I asked, searching the crowd.

  “Would you help me up, Frank?” Dorothy Alton yelled. He of course kept his hearing aid turned down like always and didn’t hear a thing she said but moved when she gave him a well-deserved kick.

  Frank hauled himself off the floor and helped his wife up. “You know I can’t hear that well!” He shouted. I had never heard Frank talk above a whisper to his wife of fifty plus years.

  Dorothy began to cry. “I’m going home to mother!”

  “I hope you’ll both be very happy at the cemetery because that’s where she lives now!”

  Sirens blared and bubble lights lit up the darkening sky that looked darker than earlier. Troopers busted into the place like they were gonna save the day. Truth is, that if the perp was still here, we’d be as good as dead—not so with a Pink Lady revolver at hand.

  “You can put your guns down. I know how much you cops like to shoot bad guys, but the bank robber is long gone.”

  Trooper Sales whirled to face me. He stared first at the ceiling and back down at the ceiling fan on the floor. “I hope this doesn’t have anything to do with a Pink Lady revolver.”

  “Of course not!” I smiled. “I have no idea what happened. I think I might have early stages of dementia.”

  “How convenient.”

  I twisted to look at El who shrugged. “Isn’t it though?”

  “I won’t be finding any spent .38 cartridges then?”

  “Only from the bad guy,” I said diplomatically.

  “You should have seen my Eleanor stand up to that bad guy,” Mr. Wilson said from a chair in the corner. His decrepit old bony body hid from view the whole time. “I was so worried, Peaches.”

  “Peaches, my ass, what happened to the retired school teacher, Meredith Thomas?”

  “I was just trying to get you jealous, ole girl,” Mr. Wilson spat.

  El turned her attention back toward Trooper Sales. “Aggie and I came to the bank and this roughen grabbed me and threatened my life if you need to know.” El bent her head and when she looked back at the trooper she was crying. “I-I was s-so scared.” She bellowed for a moment. “He told me to lay spread eagle on the bank floor. It reminded me of a Billy Jack movie.”

  The troopers snickered.

  My hand flew to my hips, “It’s not funny, he held a gun to El’s head and then he was gonna shoot me if El hadn’t intervened when she did.”

  “How did the fan fall down if she didn’t crack off a shot?” Peterson asked.

  I started, “His gun discharged when El smacked him with her purse. We’re all lucky to be alive.”

  “I’ll agree with that, you should have just cooperated. He could have killed one of you,” Trooper Sales cut in.

  “That would look good on your resume, Sales,” Sheriff Peterson said from the doorway. “Have a bunch of old folks shot during a bank robbery.”

  Sales glared at him. “I’m thinking that might just make your day, huh? I mean why not blame me.”

  Peterson sneered, “I should get extra pay to put up with you troopers.”

  Thank God they were here. Sheriff Peterson is just shady as they come and what audacity speaking to Trooper Sales like that! “If you ask me the troopers are the ones making the biggest contribution here. What took you so long? Was there a long wait at Tim Horton’s donut shop?”

  Peterson approached me, “Aggie, why does it not surprise me to see you here. Wherever there is a dead body or major crime, you’re in the middle of it.”

  “We were just innocent bystanders this time around,” I insisted.

  “I bet.” He rolled his eyes.

  “Aggie is right,” El said. “The bank robbery was already in progress.”

  “El, don’t waste your breath talking to the sheriff. He won’t believe a kind word about me. That is until he checks the surveillance tapes.” Bazinga!

  “I might if you kindly left town,” he added.

  “You’re dreaming, Sheriff.” I glared. “Unless you plan to pay for a trip to Florida for El and I.” I grinned.

  He glared at me as his face reddened, but he clammed up real quick.

  I stared outside at the greenish clouds as they rolled in off the lake. “Wow, that is some storm rolling in.”

  The fuzz looked out the window and their radios went off. “Tornado warning. Take cover immediately.”

  “Everybody to the safe!” the teller Peggy shouted.

  “Get your ass moving, Wilson,” I said.

  “I’m moving as fast as I can,” he said as he moved his walker along.

  Sheriff Peterson scooped the old man up into his arms and carried him back.

  “Get your hands off of me, I don’t go that way I tell you!” Wilson stated.

  We all huddled down on the floor and waited. It was hot and somebody wasn’t wearing any deodorant as the smell of body odor took over.

  I glared at the Sheriff. “You stink.”

  “It’s not my fault that I perspire more than regular folks!”

  I pressed my shirtsleeve against my nose as we heard a rumbling overhead. We couldn’t see a thing and that made it worse somehow. I’d survived a few storms here in Tawas, but none of them had me huddling with the State’s finest and Sheriff Peterson; of course.

  “No use calling in the canine unit now.” Trooper Sales sputtered. “That bank robber is gonna be long gone now.”

  I shuddered. “I just hope the town is still standing after this storm passes us by.”

  “Have faith,” Dorothy said as she began reciting the Lord’s Prayer out loud.

  Ten minutes later, Sales’ portable went off announcing the all clear. We all exited the safe under the watchful eye of the troopers. I guess they wanted to make sure we didn’t pocket anything of value. Geez, it’s not like the cash is laid out in the open.

  The window had a gaping hole from a tree that smashed through it, and debris filled the lobby of the bank. We carefully made our way over the branches and as I saw a sandal, I picked it up. “Hey, I think I found my lost sandal,” but as I tried to put it on, “nope, it’s way too small.”

  Sales made a call alerting more troopers to the scene to secure the bank and turned to the bank manager. “You better phone this in.”

  She ran toward the phone, picked it up with a trembling hand, and made her call.

  Peterson fetched Mr. Wilson’s walker for him, obviously not so willing to carry him back to where he snatched him up. When we left the bank, it looked quite a mess. Tree branches were scattered across the parking lot with a huge limb that had landed smack on the sheriff’s car. I’m not sure if it was an act of God, maybe an act of Karma.

  “Jesus Christ all mighty!” Peterson bellowed. “That was a new squad car.”

  “Figures, I’m sure we’re all gonna get a tax increase for sure.”

  “Maybe they should increase the lot rent at the campground.” He snapped.

  I ignored him and El and I went back to her car. “If you need any more info about the bank robbery, contact me.”

  “Not so fast,” Peterson bellowed. “Did you recognize the perp?”

  “Nope.”

  “And the robbery was already in progress?”

  “You got it.”

  Trooper Sales waved us off. “We’ll roll back the tapes and be in touch if they don’t jive with what you say.”

  “God dammit, Sales, is that it?” Peterson spat.

  “You want those two hanging around for the rest of the investigation?” he asked puzzled.

  We jumped in the Caddy and tooled right outta there before the good sheriff made me even madder. Sure, I wondered about the bank robbery, but
I was more concerned about the murder at the Butler Mansion. At least I was sure that was the case.

  “Awful that man saying that about you, Aggie. I mean nothing wrong with living in a camper, right?”

  “Nope, I just want to get back and check on Duchess. Poor dear is gonna be scared straight.”

  “Into what, a straightjacket?”

  “I don’t think they make those for cats, El. You might need one from time to time though.”

  “That could be fun. Just call me Fifty Shades of Granny.”

  “Now that is the sickest thing I have ever heard you say.”

  “Really? And after all this time. Come on, Aggie, I have said much worse.”

  “So what’s the deal with Wilson?”

  “Oh nothing, he just fancies Meredith Thomas these days.”

  “She’s a retired teacher?”

  “I guess, what subject I haven’t a clue. I just had enough of old Mr. Wilson. I decided I’d be a better cougar.”

  “Cougar? You mean… ”

  “Yup, I fancy me a younger man, maybe sixty.”

  I laughed. I couldn’t help it. “But you’re eighty-two. Okay, okay, sixty would be young to you then.”

  “What happened to your man? Has he called since he left town?”

  I shook my head. “Nope and I don’t much care if he does. I’m not gonna wrap my life around a man no how. We have a business to run and it doesn’t involve any man that’s for sure.”

  “What does it involve?”

  “For the moment that dead guy at the Butler Mansion.”

  “How we gonna dig up clues about him.”

  “Simple Simon, we’re gonna go to his funeral or at least do a visitation.”

  Eleanor chuckled. “It’s a start I suppose.”

  “I heard they opened a new funeral home in town, Happy Bear something.”

  “Happy Bear Funeral Home?” Eleanor gasped. “Why that is the strangest name for a funeral home I ever did hear.”

  “That’s true, but it will at least be entertaining. Imagine the owners wanted to put a smile into death.”

  “I bet the funeral director is smiling all the way to the bank, eh.”

  “Probably. They had better hope that Mr. Butler has an insurance policy at least.”

  “I almost wonder if his wife is on the policy or maybe Herman inherited more than the house.”

  “Good thinking, El. I knew going into business with you was the right move.”

  “We make one hell of a team.”

  I pulled into the campground and sticks were littered here too, but luckily my Winnebago was virtually untouched.

  When I went inside, Duchess jumped up in my arms, her poor body shaking. I sat and rubbed her under the chin something fierce. “It’s okay girl, I’m here now,” I said.

  “I’ll leave you two alone. I best check out my own house.”

  “Don’t kill anyone on the way.”

  “I’ll try not to unless I run into the bank robber.”

  “Like you’d know if you met him on the street. Did you forget he wore a mask?”

  “I can smell a criminal a mile away.”

  I rolled my eyes as El left and felt a jolt as she backed into the pole that held up my awning and it crashed to the ground. “Thanks, El.” I said out loud. “I sure hope she don’t kill anyone for real, Duchess.” She looked up at me as if interested in what I was saying. “It’s not like I can tell the woman not to drive, she’s like talking to a box of rocks sometimes. Okay so all the time.”

  I mused about the Butler Mansion some more. Did the widow kill him or what? She sure acted guilty, but who knows really. It could be the ole cloak and dagger. If this investigative stuff taught me anything, it was to find out all the facts first before passing judgment. There is always a red herring to throw you off the trail.

  Did I really see more than the widow and maid or were my eyes just playing tricks on me. I should get them checked just in case. It sure couldn’t hurt. I should drag El with me; it’s obvious she needs it more than me. Now I’m gonna have to get someone strong over here to help me fix my awning. It’s moments like this that makes me wish that I had a man around, like Andrew. It sure was comforting to have someone to hold every once in awhile. He was in town for such a brief amount of time that I just felt we didn’t get time to connect other than the physical part, not that it was bad mind you, far from it. Who knew at my age that I could do anything other than cuddle?

  “Stop thinking about him, Aggie!” I yelled. Duchess picked her head up and blinked at me. I’m not sure if that was a signal to hush or quit fussing over a man that is just long gone. Another thing I missed was my house. In my opinion, they couldn’t re-build it fast enough. Of course nothing wrong with chilling at Eleanor’s beach house. Maybe I should have just moved in like she had asked, but I didn’t want to put her out. Who knows, it might have just worked. El and I spend so much time together that we are practically a couple, something more than a few had pointed out.

  I made myself a pot of hot tea and decided the best thing I could do is just get a good night’s sleep. What with a dead body, fight at the beach with my arch-enemy, and the bank robbery, it’s enough to wish for easier days. What ever happened to retirement? I’m about as far away from that as China. Who knows what life had in store for El and I around the corner. I just knew that whatever comes our way we would face it together.

  Chapter Seven

  I awoke not to blinding sunlight or loud noises, but to Duchess’ ass in my face. Even if she was just a cat, she could sure let out the gas. While I contemplated moving her gently and face her wrath, I decided to shove her off the bed instead. I was extra careful to make sure there was a double layer of blankets between her and me. It’s always the rule to go by if you live with Duchess. Her teeth are like living on a razors edge and I’d much prefer not to live that close to the edge. At seventy-two, I had better things to visit the doctor for.

  So focused was I in thinking about Duchess that I realized that I was missing my uppers—like dentures. I hauled ass off to the bathroom, but they weren’t in my denture cup either! Where in tarnation could they be? Did I lose them on the beach when Mildred slapped me?

  Right then, Duchess was batting something around making an awful racket. I thought at first a mouse had gotten inside, but knowing that was a remote possibility I ran into the kitchen and sure enough that damn cat of mine was batting around my uppers!

  “Stupid cat!” I yelled at her. She stared up at me with large cat eyes, you know like when they are ready to attack? I thought over my options of trying to maneuver around her, but opted instead to grab a can of room deodorizer. I didn’t have to even spray it, Duchess ran away like the Devil was chasing her. There are two things she hates, water and spray bottles of any type.

  I looked outside and remembered last night’s episode of Eleanor driving badly which resulted in my awning crashing down. Now I needed to call someone up to fix the dang thing for me. I need to personally come down to the Secretary of the State: that’s where we get out licenses from in Michigan. I have half a mind to ask them to consider pulling Eleanor’s driver’s license permanently. I know that sounds harsh, but I’m only thinking about keeping the public safe.

  Just then I heard quite a racket, looked out my window, and saw Chris and Curtis Hill raising my awning. I nearly had a heart attack on the spot. My friend Rosa Lee is a peach, but her boys are bad to the core. I did the only thing any self-respecting senior citizen would do, I dialed 911.

  Within ten minutes, my awning was back up and the sheriff was parked next to my Mustang. Why can’t a deputy show up for a change instead of ole Peterson.

  I stumbled down the steps.

  “What’s the 911 about, Aggie?” the sheriff asked.

  “Well these boys were messing with the awning of my Winnebago and I got scared that they were trying to…”

  Curt, the larger of the two, said. “Eleanor called us and asked us to come over and f
ix the awning for you.”

  “Oh, well, I-I d-didn’t know.” My eyes darted between the Lee boys and the sheriff. “I’m sorry, I had no idea she called you boys.”

  Curt, who wore cut-off jeans and was chewing a piece of wheat between his teeth laughed. His blond hair was buzz cut just like his brother Chris. “My maw would cuff me real hard if I did anything to you, Miss Agnes.”

  Chris nodded. “Maw told us to say hello and for you to drop on by sometime.”

  “And where would that be?”

  “The law closed down her medicinal marijuana operation. She has a quaint little shop where Roy’s Bait & Tackle used to be. She got it for a real sweet deal,” Chris said.

  “What’s she selling this time boys?” Peterson asked with raised brow.

  “Potpourri,” Curt replied.

  “I bet. Tell your maw I’ll be around some time to check it out. Knowing your maw the way I do, there is no telling what I’ll find.” Peterson walked back to the squad car labeled ‘Deputy’. It might be awhile before his car was fixed from the storm yesterday.

  “Thanks boys. I’m sorry I went off the deep end. Would you like a cup of coffee?”

  Curt eyed my Winnebago with interest. “I think we best be moving on, you know how some folks like to talk.”

  I nodded as the boys turned tail, jumped into their truck with a Confederate flag that swung from the truck bed, and shot off like a bullet.

  I let out a sigh of relief. The last thing I needed was for those boys to come into my trailer. I appreciated that El felt guilty enough to have the boys fix my awning, but really, they were quite a menace. I loved Rose Lee Hill to death, but her boys—not so much. Still it’s nice to have a little manpower. At least now I know if I ever need a helping hand or extra guns, I could count on those boys.

  I went back inside and made breakfast. Eleanor showed up at my door not ten minutes later, dressed to the nines in lavender slacks and a cream and floral silk shirt. When I opened the door, I snickered as I looked at the tennis shoes on her feet.

  “What?” She giggled. “These are the most comfortable shoes I own.”