by Jillian Hart
Pulling to the side of the road, she let the pain wash over her, the horrible grief that broke like a dam. And she couldn’t stop it. She didn’t even try.
“Noah?” Kate rapped on the desk. “Earth to Noah. Did you want me to fax the documents?”
“Sure.” He shook his head, realizing he’d been staring off into space. Again. He couldn’t seem to keep his mind on anything.
The truth was, not even work was absorbing enough to distract him from the loneliness. It couldn’t disguise the truth anymore. He was lonely and unhappy and a coward. He loved Julie. He couldn’t stop thinking about her, couldn’t stop day-dreaming about her and replaying in his mind every second of every minute he’d spent with her.
“I’ll cover your meeting in Washington tomorrow.” Kate, efficient as always, tapped on her small handheld computer, studying the screen. “Your notes are thorough, as always. I’ll drop you an e-mail, let you know how it went. Hope your procedure goes well tomorrow.”
“Thanks.” It was hard, knowing tomorrow would be a day of reckoning.
He was ready. There wasn’t much he could do but face it head-on. And if he was scared, well, he knew whatever happened, he would be okay. His life, as it always had been, was in the Lord’s hands.
There were last-minute calls to make. Loose ends to tie up so he could be gone for a few days. He tried to work hard, but his mind kept wandering and his heart wasn’t in it. Being at this desk used to thrill him. Gave him a sense of purpose. Made him feel as if his life had some significance.
So, why did he suddenly feel as if he were trapped by four walls? As if he could never be happy unless he was zooming down a mountainside at full speed.
It was the skiing he missed, he insisted stubbornly. Vacations were bad things, see? It made a person not want to work as hard when the vacation was over.
It had nothing to do with Julie. So, she hadn’t wanted him. She hadn’t wanted his kiss. It was probably just as well. Think of the heartache a romance caused. And marriage…
His stomach twisted and his mind spun him backward to the dark of night in his bedroom, and the harsh, angry voices of his parents. The crash of a glass against a wall. Mom’s furious litany of words that made him crawl out from beneath his baseball-motif bedspread and huddle on the floor in the corner, next to the giant-size teddy bear. He curled up tight.
He could smell the grass and dirt on his baseball cleats from the game. Dad hadn’t made it. He had a meeting, like always. Mom hadn’t come, either, but his game wasn’t what they were fighting about. They were fighting about him. Mom wanted him out from underfoot because he demanded too much attention.
Pain tore through him like a thunderclap, bringing him back to the present. Back to the peace of his office, where the hum of the computer and the whir of the heating system were the only sounds. He was breathing hard, and sweat beaded on his forehead. Lord, please make these memories stop. But they remained there, like a shadow behind his thoughts for most of the afternoon.
By the end of the day, he couldn’t take it anymore. Maybe the surgery was bothering him more than he thought—more than he was letting himself feel. One thing was certain, the past seemed too close, as if he could reach out and touch it. He worked late and grabbed takeout from his favorite deli on the way home.
His building was quiet, the security team reading the day’s newspaper as he picked up his mail. Bills. Junk mail. A letter from Nanna.
Great. He’d been planning to call her tonight. He wanted to know how the wedding plans were progressing and if her beautiful gown had arrived today as promised. Mostly, he just wanted to hear her voice before tomorrow. She was a great comfort to him.
The Lord had blessed him greatly in giving him such a fine, loving grandmother.
Why hadn’t he really considered that before? The Lord had given him a loving grandmother and a loyal sister, and what did he do? Noah didn’t trust anyone—not even God—with his heart. Not his grandmother or his sister. And not Julie.
He kept everyone at a distance, and the minute they got too close, off he went. Jetting away to Japan or New York, and never returning phone calls or e-mails. And why was that? Because of that memory he had today, that’s why. That little boy rejected by his parents over and over again had grown up into a man who allowed no one to reject him.
Maybe there wasn’t a bad-luck marriage gene. Only a man too afraid to love anyone completely.
In protecting his heart, he’d really been turning his back on some of the Lord’s most important blessings. What kind of Christian did that make him? What kind of man?
Tomorrow he was facing surgery. When the doctors removed the tumor, they were going to test it for cancer. There would be no one in the waiting room, or in his hospital room or there to hold his hand while he waited for the lab results.
It wasn’t what he wanted. He hated being alone. He hated that he was afraid to depend on anyone. Worst of all, he was running out of time to change things. If he didn’t do it now, then he might never have another chance.
He unlocked his door and marched straight to the phone.
“Miss Renton, I can’t get this on.” Emily trudged up to the edge of the desk and peered up at her, pleadingly. “Mommy said if I don’t wear my mittens, I don’t get Twinkies. They’s my favorite.”
“Mine, too. Let me see what’s wrong here.” Julie circled around her desk and knelt to inspect the problem. Emily’s mom had sewn buttons to the sleeves in order to secure the mittens, and one mitten had come unbuttoned. “I can fix this. Stand still for me, okay?”
Disaster averted. With a smile, she sent Emily to the door to take her place in the lineup. When every kid was accounted for, coats buttoned and little backpacks claimed, she led them in double rows down the hallway and out to the loading zone where a half-dozen bright yellow buses waited patiently in the blowing wind and cold. A long line of cars hugged the curb behind the buses, full of mothers waiting for their children.
“Thanks, Miss Renton!” Emily skipped in the direction of the cars. Her black curls bounced in time with her gait. Her mittened hand reached out for her mother, a plump smiling woman who knelt down to take a look at the beautiful cotton-ball snowman her daughter had made.
“Bye-bye, Miss Renton!” Marc offered shyly, his cotton-ball snowman a boyish wad that looked more like a football than anything else. He had a mother, too, who balanced a baby on her hip, and who listened to him patiently while he led the way to their minivan.
Such lucky families. A yearning so strong nearly knocked her to her knees. She’d prayed for days now, trying to stop this ache in her heart. Why had God brought her down this path, just to break her heart? Why had Noah come into her life at all?
His surgery was tomorrow. Had it been a coincidence that she’d met Noah the same night his health came to a crisis? No, Julie didn’t believe in coincidences, but she did believe in the Lord. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called by Him.
By turning away from Noah, was she stepping off the path God had made for her? What if this was God’s will for her?
I don’t know what to do, Lord. How had everything become so complicated? Was she turning her back on a friend? Or simply being realistic? How did she know?
When the last of her charges had safely boarded their buses, Julie turned heel and headed back inside. Susan caught up with her. Susan had blueberry muffins and was willing to share. She’d grab the bakery box and be right over.
Who could argue with blueberry muffins? Julie stopped by the teachers’ lounge, grabbed two vanilla sodas from her stash in the back of the refrigerator, her contribution to the impromptu get-together.
Thankfully, the heat had kicked on and her room was toasty warm as she deposited the bottles on her worktable in back and grabbed an eraser from the chalk tray.
A ring came from inside her desk drawer. With chalk dust on her hands, she dug out her cell phone. “Hello?”
&nbs
p; “Figured you’d be done teachin’ your class by now.” It was Granddad. “Are you sittin’ down?”
“Close enough.” Since she still had a hold of the eraser, she started cleaning the board. “What’s up?”
“Got a call from Nora a few minutes ago. Seems that grandson of hers needs her to come out there, and she’s askin’ me to go with her.”
“You should be at her side, Granddad.” Julie kept her voice as steady as possible.
“You don’t seem too surprised, girl. You’ve been spending time with that billionaire. Do you know what’s going on?”
“Yes, I do.” She hadn’t realized she was holding her breath, but she felt tension melt away as she exhaled. She was glad Noah had told his family.
“Nora said to bring you along, if you can go. Her granddaughter is making the travel arrangements for us right now. Are you comin’? I suppose you were probably gonna be headin’ out to be with him anyway?”
She heard the question in his voice. He was asking more than that—he wanted to know if she and Noah were romantically involved. “No, Granddad. Well, I wasn’t sure.”
“Then should I have Hope make a reservation for you?”
Yes, her heart said. But she couldn’t go. He hadn’t asked her to go. She couldn’t fly out uninvited just because she was worried for him—no, afraid for him.
“It sure would mean a lot to Nora if you came,” Granddad persisted. “Sounds like a pretty serious situation he’s in. If somethin’ were to go wrong, it wouldn’t be right not to be there.”
Exactly.
“I’ll take care of my own reservation.” There, it was decided. Julie promised she would ask the neighbor to look after Granddad’s dog, and hung up.
She stared at her cell phone and the board she’d cleaned without noticing. Well, one dilemma solved. She was going to New York.
Noah heard them in the hall and yanked open the door. It was two in the morning, and he was in his robe and slippers, but he didn’t care. Nanna led the way, with his sister on her heels. Harold was hauling luggage out of the elevator.
“Noah!” His grandmother pulled him into her arms, holding him tight. “You shouldn’t be up. Hope has a set of keys. The last thing I wanted to do was wake you at this hour.”
“I haven’t been able to sleep anyway, so I decided to wait for you.” He didn’t tell her that he’d spent hours poring over his Bible, trying to stay hopeful. That he had a thousand worries and more regrets. “Come in. Let me help with your luggage.”
“Harold will handle it.” Nanna’s touch was a comfort as she took his hand, leading him toward the living room. “This place hasn’t changed much since I’ve been here. There’s no wife. No children.”
“I found a matched set of a wife and kids at Bloomingdale’s in my price range, but they clashed with the furniture so I took them back. Got a nice floor lamp instead.”
“Very funny.” Hope hugged him, too, holding him extra tight. “How are you? What time do you have to be at the hospital? Nanna and I have come to take charge of you, since you can’t seem to take care of yourself.”
“That’s right,” Nanna agreed like a no-nonsense general. “You’d better follow my orders, too, young man. You’ll say hello and get to bed. Where do you want Harold to put the luggage?”
“Hello, son.” Harold looked exhausted but stood as straight as ever, not weighed down too much by the luggage he carried. “You tell me where you want this.”
“Down the hall, second door on your left.” He was surprised that Harold had come, too. They hadn’t exactly gotten along. “It’s good of you to be here.”
“You’re family now, or will be once I get your grandmother to wear my wedding ring. There’s nowhere else I’d be.” With that, he disappeared down the hall.
Okay, so Harold wasn’t a bad guy, after all. Definitely good enough for Nanna.
“It’s too late to scold you properly for not telling me about this sooner,” Nanna scolded anyway. “So all I’m going to say is shame on you, and leave it at that. Now get to bed, because morning will be here before you know it. Hope, would you mind heating some tea water for me? I always get lost in that big fancy kitchen.”
“Sure thing.” Hope hugged him one last time, and he felt what she didn’t say.
They were a family. They would stand by him no matter what the prognosis. They were there to lean on, if he needed them.
He’d spent the night with his Bible, preparing for the worst possible outcome. Now, with his family here, he was ready for the best.
Chapter Fourteen
“Julie.” It was Hope Ashton Sheridan standing in the hallway, closing the door to Noah’s hospital room. “I’m glad you made it. Noah’s out of recovery. The mass was even bigger than they thought, and they wound up taking out his entire gallbladder, but he’s doing great.”
“Thank God.” Julie hadn’t realized how worried she’d been. No, worried wasn’t the word. Terrified. “I wanted to be here earlier, but my flight was delayed. I’m just so thankful he’s okay.”
Her knees were strangely weak. She had to sit down. Stumbling, she made it into the nearby waiting room and found a chair. Her overnight bag slid from her shoulder and hit the floor. The tiny vase she held felt as if it were made of iron, so she set it on the nearby magazine table. Boy, was she shaky or what?
“I’m tired,” she explained to Hope. “It was a tough flight.”
“I understand.” Was that sympathy in her eyes?
Okay, so that’s one person I haven’t fooled. Julie rubbed her hands over her face. “Is Nora in with him?”
“No. Harold made her go get a sandwich in the cafeteria. She’s pretty worried about him. We all are.”
Me, too. Julie bit back the words, not comfortable revealing more of her heart. “Is he awake?”
“Still sleeping. Why don’t you go in and sit with him? I was on the way to make a call. I need to check in with my husband. Maybe you could cover for me until I come back?”
“Sure. Whatever you need.” She could do it. She was Noah’s friend. After all, wasn’t she wise enough to keep control of her feelings—this time?
Clutching the bud vase, Julie gathered her courage, steeled her heart and stepped into the small room. It was quiet and dim. Noah was asleep on his back, his hair dark against the pillow. Several blankets covered his big masculine physique. Lying there so still, he looked vulnerable.
Oh, Noah. She flew to his side. Her fingers ached to brush across the high cut of his cheekbones and down his face to the strong line of his jaw. She yanked her hand back in time—he wasn’t hers to touch.
Lord, please protect him and keep him safe, she prayed. Because Noah is my heart.
She leaned over him and pressed a kiss to his forehead. A featherlight brush of a kiss, so he wouldn’t wake. Then she set the bud vase with the single bloom on the table where twenty other arrangements were crowded together. They were all elaborate, expensive bouquets, a few with colorful balloons swinging overhead. From friends, she figured.
Her single flower looked unimpressive and lonely. She almost snatched it back, but something seemed to whisper to her to leave it, so she did.
Then, after one final look, she walked out of Noah’s room and closed the door behind her.
“Julie!” It was Noah’s grandmother, leaving Granddad’s side to rush down the hall. “Oh, did you hear the good news? It’s not cancer.”
“Are they sure?”
“Yes! Isn’t that wonderful? Praise the Lord.” Nora wrapped Julie into a tight, comforting, wonderful grandmotherly hug. “I am about to dance a jig of joy. My beloved grandson is going to make a full recovery!”
“I’m so thankful.” Julie stepped away, trembling, and Nora pushed into the room. As the door closed, Julie could see the older woman settling into a chair at Noah’s bedside, taking his hand in hers, tenderly.
Julie ached with gratitude. Tears stung her eyes. Thank you, Lord, for sparing him, for holding Noah in the pal
m of Your hand.
There was no need for her to stay. So she retrieved her overnight bag from the waiting room, said goodbye to her granddad and walked away.
“Julie?” Noah struggled away from a dream and opened his eyes. The wisps of the dream faded. Impressions of her presence, soft as a new day dawning. Of her kiss, gentle and reverent on his brow. Her scent of strawberries lingered faintly in the air. That was some powerful dream, he decided.
Someone was holding his hand. Nanna. He didn’t need to turn his head to know it was her. He squeezed her fingers, and she held on so tightly.
His head was a little woozy and his vision fuzzy. He wasn’t feeling so great, but the sight of her was like warm chocolate on a cold day. Okay, in truth, for a split second, with the scent of Julie’s perfume in his memory, he’d dared to hope she’d be the one sitting at his bedside.
But Nanna was, and he loved her for it. She looked tired and drained. He was sorry for that, and he held on to her more tightly.
“Nanna, how are you? Are you—?” He squinted to bring her into better focus. Were there tears in her eyes?
It was bad news. He knew it. He felt it like a cold wave that rolled down his spine. Help me make this easier for Nanna, Lord. That was his first wish. Then he prayed for himself. Help me not to waste another single moment I have left on this earth.
“Oh, my dear boy. It’s good to have you with us.” Nanna scooted her chair closer.
“How can I sleep for long, with such a beautiful woman at my side? You look exhausted. Where’s Harold? He’s supposed to be taking care of you.”
“He’s in the waiting room. There’s no need to fuss. I’m fine, just fine. I don’t think I’ve been this good in a long, long time.” Her voice trembled, and two tears trailed down her cheek.
“You must have heard from the lab. I don’t want you to be sad—”
“Sad? Why, no. The reports came back negative. Negative!” More tears spilled down her beautiful face. “I don’t know if I’ve ever been more grateful. My dear grandson is going to be just fine.”