Trouble

by Jesse Kellerman

  “Jonah?”

  His mother watched him from the doorway. “Did you hear me?”

  He nodded, did not move.

  “Would you like to rejoin us?”

  He nodded again.

  “What’s the—”

  He made a shushing motion. She frowned, mouthed What. He sequestered her in a hug. She said, “Honey?”

  “She’s not supposed to be here,” he whispered. “I never invited her.”

  His mother’s arms tightened around him. “Oh my God.”

  “Act normal. If I leave the house she’ll follow.”

  “Is she—”

  “Do you understand me? Act normal. Promise me you can do that.”

  She nodded.

  “If you don’t know,” he said, “she won’t know.”

  They went back to the dining room.

  “Mission accomplished,” his mother said. She opened the seltzer and poured two glasses, the first for Eve and a second for herself. A seamless performance.

  “I’m telling Eve about the time you threw up onstage,” Kate said.

  “I think that’s enough hazing for one night,” his mother said cheerily.

  “Poor Jonah-face,” Kate said. “You know it’s only cause I love you so much.”

  “Why don’t we adjourn?” his mother asked. “Steve, you look sleepy.”

  “Don’t mind me,” said his father.

  “I’m feeling sluggish myself.” His mother smiled. “Tryptophan.”

  “If you’ll excuse me,” Erich said, “I’m going to check on Gretchen.”

  “Is that your daughter?” Eve said to Kate.

  “Yes.”

  “She must be scrumptious,” Eve said. “Who does she look like?”

  “You know what I think?” Kate said. “I think babies never really look like anyone. What happens is, people identify the older relative who looks the most babylike, and then say, ‘The baby looks like them.’ Gretchen, she’s a new era of cute, she makes the Gerber baby look like a gnome.”

  “May I come see her? I love children.”

  “We should be getting back,” Jonah said. “We should get on the eight oh six.”

  “It’s five to, you’ll never make it,” Kate said. “Take the next one.”

  “I have work tomorr—”

  “Puh-lease. Even I can turn it off for one day.” Kate stood. “We’re going to gaze at my beautiful daughter.” She took Eve’s arm and led her out.

  There was a brief silence as Jonah looked at the space in front of him: a clean circle of tablecloth, bounded by the indentation from his dinner plate, rice and gravy dotting its perimeter. His father leaned over, kissed his mother, thanked her again, folded his soiled napkin, and took the dessert plates to the kitchen, where he could be heard rinsing them and slotting them into the dishwasher. Erich excused himself to read.

  Jonah said, “Shit.”

  “Why didn’t you say something earlier?” his mother whispered.

  “I didn’t have the chance.”

  “What is she doing here, if you didn’t invite her?”

  “Put us on a train and I’ll call you later.”

  His mother checked her watch. “You’re not going to make it.”

  “We will if we hurry.”

  “Can we wait an hour?”

  “No,” he said, getting up. “We can’t.”

  “SHHHHH.” Kate stepped into the hall. “Don’t run, you’ll wake her up.”

  “Tell Eve we’re leaving.”

  “She’s looking at Gretchen.”

  He stepped past his sister and into the darkened room. Gretchen was asleep on the bed, a drooly thumb loosely between her lips. Eve knelt beside the bed, stroking her; the sight of them touching made his mouth run dry. He wanted to kick her away.

  “We have to go.”

  Kate shushed him.

  “Right now,” he whispered. “Come on. We’re leaving.”

  “The embodiment of happiness,” Eve said.

  “We’re going to miss the train.”

  “So you’ll take the next one,” Kate said. “Chill out.”

  “It’s important,” he said. He hoped she could intuit him, see through what he knew sounded like a tantrum.

  Kate said, “Jeez. Somebody needs medication.”

  Eve raised the hem of Gretchen’s shirt and touched her tummy. Smooth, perfect baby’s skin, untainted and unblemished. Remembering, he imagined, what it was like to have such a body. Her fingers would leave scars.

  “We need to leave.”

  He grabbed her by the biceps and pulled her up. She jerked back, bumping into the painted chest of drawers that had been Kate’s, then his, and was now the baby’s; slunk into the corner, behind the rocking horse near the changing table. Kate said Stop it you’ll wake and then he lashed out and struck Eve in the face.

  A tap; less than nothing. But she collapsed, whimpering and shrinking further when he stepped toward her.

  Kate grabbed him. “What is wrong with you.”

  His brain went off like firecrackers: his sister was going to stab him.

  “What are you doing.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Get out of here.”

  He held his hands up to show defeat. “Kate—”

  “Get out.”

  He hesitated, then said, “I’ll wait downstairs.”

  MY GOD. What has gotten into him.

  It’s not…not his fault.

  I don’t care if he’s my brother, it’s disgusting.

  It’s my fault.

  Don’t blame yourself, that’s sick.

  He didn’t mean to…

  It looked to me like he did.

  He was trying to hurry me up. I…sometimes I need to…I space out. He’d never hurt me. He wouldn’t, he loves me, I love him. It’s not what you think, I promise. I—I overreact, sometimes.

  That didn’t seem like an overreaction to me. He hit you for God’s sake.

  No, I—it wasn’t—it was a minor, he barely—I overreacted. I made it seem like it was a bigger deal than it was. Please—can we, can we not talk about this.

  You can’t be with him if he treats you like that. Does he treat you like that?

  I don’t want to talk about it. I swear that you have nothing to worry about.

  How d’you expect me to believe—

  Let’s talk about something else. Let’s talk about Gretchen.

  Eve—

  Please. Look at her. She’s so beautiful. She’s gorgeous, Kate. She reminds me of a Botticelli cherub. Jonah wants to have kids, he wants to have lots of kids. We’re—well, we haven’t picked, it’s not official yet. But…Don’t tell your parents yet, please? We’re keeping it under wraps. But—I feel like I can tell you. What. Why are you—please don’t look upset, it’s cause for happiness.

  A silence.

  I shouldn’t have said anything. Kate.

  Nothing—

  You’re missing the big picture.

  Nothing justifies—

  Please. Be happy. I’m happy. I want to be happy with him. He’s happy. You want that. He’s…suffered so much.

  Jonah?

  Yes. With that girl.

  What g—you mean Hannah?

  Yes, her. He’s suffered. He sometimes has trouble expressing his emotions in front of other people. He’s under so much stress. You don’t know what it’s like to be a doctor, I see him every day, people die in his hands. It’s torture for him, and he has no way of letting it out. It’s something we’ve worked on. And he’s been working on it with his therapist. I sent him to a friend of mine. He and I have something special, you have to believe that. He takes care of me in the way that I need. Believe me. He’s a wonderful man, and I love him.

  He hit you.

  He gets angry sometimes and he doesn’t realize his own strength. It’s me who—

  Don’t indict yourself, it makes me want to vomit.

  I know it sounds that way, I know. You have to tak
e my word for it. I could never love somebody cruel. He isn’t. You’ve known him your whole life, has he ever been?

  No.

  So there you are.

  …I don’t know.

  I can only give you my word. You do love him, don’t you?

  …yes.

  He loves you, too. You’re lucky to have each other. I don’t have any brothers or sisters. My parents died when I was three. I didn’t know them at all. It wasn’t a car accident, if that’s what you’re thinking. They got cancer. It’s all right. I barely knew them. It didn’t register until I got much older. I’ve been alone for so long. I was raised by my aunt, who was sort of a spinster. She was strict. I didn’t have a boyfriend until college. It wasn’t someone from Yale, I can see you were about to ask that. He was a friend from high school who later became a boyfriend. I’ve never been in love until now.

  With my brother?

  Yes.

  A silence.

  …God, look at me.

  You’re allowed to cry.

  I’m so emotional all the time. Hormones—sometimes when too many things happen…I’m sorry, Eve.

  Katie. Here.

  …thank you.

  Be happy for us if you can. You have to remember, the accident. People who go through trauma of that magnitude sometimes act out. That’s why I’m not scared: because I know he would never do anything to hurt me. He’s venting the pressure, he’s learning to express it in a more normal manner, but he’s been damaged. He wakes up in cold sweats every night.

  …I didn’t know.

  So please don’t look at him like that. I love him. You love him, too.

  I…of course I do.

  He’s aching inside. He’s like a wounded animal. He needs everything we’ve got. I promise you that’s all that you saw. It’s nothing worse than that.

  …okay. Okay.

  It’s funny. You know? I think about all the people I could have met, but didn’t…. You and I were in the same place for years. But I suppose it’s better late than never? For us to be friends. And now we have a common passion.

  Choking, clotted with rage, he stopped halfway down the stairs, pressing his forehead to the banister.

  His mother was waiting for him in the kitchen. “We missed the train.”

  “We’ll take the next one,” he said, heading for the back porch.

  “Jonah? What’s going on here?”

  “It’s fine, Mom. I need some air.”

  “Jonah—”

  The evening had turned cold. Across the leaf-strewn backyard, his father stood mounting a bulky camera on a tripod. Jonah approached, rubbing his hands together.

  “I’m thinking of getting a telescope,” his father said. “For virtually nothing you can get a setup with GPS. Joe Schmoe’s doing university-quality work. Truly an age of exploration. I got this last month and already it’s obsolete. Have a look.”

  Jonah twisted the lens, focusing on a window upstairs. Eve was holding Gretchen up while Kate opened a package of baby wipes. All three laughing.

  “Give it a try,” his father said.

  Jonah swung the camera away and shot a picture of the weathervane.

  “Look at that sharpness,” his father said.

  “…great.”

  “Eve seems nice.”

  Jonah nodded.

  “In a bar, huh?”

  “Yup.”

  “Because, to my eye, she looks a lot like the woman from the paper.”

  Jonah said nothing.

  “I wasn’t going to mention it,” his father said, “but Erich noticed, also.”

  Jonah shrugged.

  “Should I not ask?”

  “Please don’t.”

  His father nodded, glanced at the window. “She and Kate seem to get along.”

  Jonah said, “Don’t tell Mom, okay? That you recognized her.”

  “I’m sure she’ll figure it out on her own.”

  “She hasn’t yet,” Jonah said.

  “Discretion is the better part of valor.”

  “Thanks.” Jonah toed the earth. “I have to go to the train station.”

  “Am I driving you?”

  “Mom said she would.”

  “All right. You know you can talk to me, if something’s wrong.”

  “It was good to see you, Dad.”

  His father said, “I love you.”

  Looking at the window, Jonah reached for and found his father’s hand. “You too.”

  • 25 •

  THEY LOOKED LIKE any normal couple waiting for the nine oh six, pacing the platform with their arms entwined—or perhaps not any couple, but like newlyweds, unwilling to break touch. Jonah struggled to remain stiff-backed, the stake around which she grew like a hothouse creeper.

  A whistle sounded.

  “Homeward bound,” she said.

  Most of the empty seats were singletons. With Eve attached to his sleeve, Jonah passed from one car into the next: butt-brushing, ruder than excusable, raising consternation and causing tongues to cluck. At the end of the car he pulled free of her and stepped up his pace.

  “Honey,” she said. “Where are you going?”

  “To find a seat.”

  “There’s no seats together,” she said.

  As he walked on she called wait please darling wait. He was aware of people giving him dirty looks like he was some sort of abusive asshole.

  Honey please I love you can we talk this over?

  When he reached the last car, he about-faced. He tried to slip past her but she clung to him.

  “Your family is so charming,” Eve said. “I think we got on famously.”

  “Yeah, you’re one of the gang.”

  She bit her lip. “Don’t be upset.” Cringing, teary, childish, their height differential monstrously exaggerated. “Please don’t. They love me, why can’t you.”

  They might’ve stayed there for the duration of the trip had not a man on his way to the bathroom said Excuse me.

  As they shifted to accommodate him, Eve recovered her composure. In a loud voice she said I never expected it to be this crowded, did you, honey? She turned to a boy marking up a physics textbook and asked if he wouldn’t mind moving over to the opposite side of the aisle so she could sit with her husband?

  “Sure,” the boy said and began piling his stuff up.

  Jonah wanted to make another break for it, but it wasn’t as though she wouldn’t be able to find him. They were going to arrive in Manhattan at the same time, get off the train at the same time, make it back to his apartment at the same time. Accepting that constraint he began to wonder if there were not a way to take advantage of the situation.

  The physics boy relocated, and Jonah sidled in, resting his bag in his lap. Eve snuggled up next to him.

  “My love,” she murmured.

  He said nothing.

  “My love, my love. Well I for one was happy to meet your family.”

  He was elsewhere.

  “It’s not very festive of you, my love, to ignore me.

  “Well, suit yourself.

  “It makes me very sad.

  “Our seatmates must think I’m pathetic.

  “You think I’m pathetic, don’t you?

  “I love you. How can you treat me this way? Your own sister said it.

  “Please look at me. I love you so much it comes out of my eyes.”

  Between each sentence passed a considerable silence.

  “I had a friend who owned a dog so intoxicated by her, every time she petted it, it lost its bladder.

  “Please look at me. Please won’t you. Please.

  “You are killing me.”

  For a long time it went on like this. He let her nuzzle him, lick him, let her tongue play the ridge of his ear. He pretended she was Lazy Susan harassing him during a nap. He wiped her kisses from his face. She reached around, put her hand on his fly. He wanted to throw her into the aisle. But that wasn’t the way to win.

  “Please, my love,
let me love you.” She stroked inside his pants. “Let me.”

  The way to win was not to give anything. In the window reflection he saw her making a scene of herself, attracting attention. The physics kid across the aisle had definitely abandoned his homework.

  “Jonah Stem. Jonah Stem, what’s wrong with you. Pay attention. Do I need to take more drastic steps. I will, right here on the train. I’m going to, Jonah Stem. I’m going to do it if you don’t give me what I want. I want a sign of life. I’m going to. Are you listening? I will. I’m doing it right now.”

  A woman from across the aisle to Eve said Ex-kuh-yuuse me, miss, this is a publ—

  “Shut your fat fucking face.”

  The woman made a gargling noise and hoisted herself out of her seat.

  Hunched over, Eve made a garish display of sexual elan. But he was winning. When after several minutes she sat up, panting savagely, her face purple, her hair erratic. “Too much wine, Jonah Stem. That’s your problem. We’ll resume our normal course. I know. I know you, Jonah Stem. Pay attention now. Pay attention.”

  She climbed atop him, and he felt her fingers guiding him. No use; he was winning. He moved her away in his mind. He was winning. She couldn’t get him inside. Beneath her skirt her hands typed hectically. He was winning, and she knew.

  “Everything all right here?”

  A conductor; behind him, the fat lady glowered and wheezed.

  “Miss…” the conductor said, and reached for Eve. She snapped at him, literally, and, with a sob, dashed down the aisle toward the vestibule. Jonah hurriedly zipped up his pants, sank back, and closed his eyes, ignoring the conductor until he heard him leave and heard the fat woman tramp away. He was fine. He had won.

  Several minutes later: “Mister.”

  He opened his eyes and found three conductors staring at him. White, black, and Filipino, uniformed like some sort of comedy troupe.

  “Your friend won’t calm down.”

  “She’s not my friend.”

  “We’re going to have to do something about it.”

  “Be my guest.”

  “You want to come talk to her?”

  “No.”

  “Sir—”