The Woman Who Knew Everything

by Debbie Viggiano

  ‘Yet another whoopee cushion on the English teacher’s chair, Amber?’

  ‘Yes, Mrs Thomas.’

  ‘Frightening the English teacher by putting a jack-in-the-box under her desk, Amber?’

  ‘Yes, Mrs Thomas.’

  ‘Why? Don’t you like English?’

  ‘Yes. I just don’t like the English teacher.’

  Amber wondered if Mrs Thomas was still alive. She’d been a nice old girl and Amber felt bad that she’d been such a bored and rebellious pupil. She hoped there wasn’t such a thing as karma. If so Amber would have to brace herself for balled-up paper being flicked at her, being scared by clowns popping out of boxes, and embarrassing moments of breaking wind.

  She knocked on the door.

  ‘Come in,’ said the voice within.

  Amber pushed down the handle and walked into Cougar Kate’s lounge. She blinked as her eyes adjusted to the gloom. Tea lights in storm lanterns were dotted about, giving the room an ambient glow. In each corner of the room, fragrant incense sticks burned. Thick curls of smoke twisted their way up to the ceiling. The smell reminded Amber of church. Her eyes focussed on the small woman sitting in Cougar Kate’s armchair. Whatever Amber had been expecting, it wasn’t a female who looked as ordinary as this. Where was Madam Rosa’s colourful scarf wound around her head? Or the big chandelier earrings? Or wrists full of jangling bangles? Madam Rosa was more like Amber’s mum. Ordinary.

  Madam Rosa beckoned to the nearby sofa. ‘Sit down, love.’

  Amber inwardly groaned. The woman even sounded like her mum. Amber felt befuddled from booze. Her brain was struggling to connect with her mouth. She’d have to take great care to hide her drunkenness and not slur her words.

  ‘You’re a beautiful young lady,’ Madam Rosa began, ‘but I can see you’re not a happy one.’

  ‘Yers,’ Amber said, sounding like a pissed Margaret Thatcher.

  ‘You haven’t told a soul how unhappy you are because a part of you feels that if you don’t tell anybody, the problem might magically disappear.’

  ‘Yers.’

  ‘But there is a problem. That is very clear to see.’

  ‘Howww can yooo tell?’

  ‘Because your heart is heavy. You are carrying a burden. It was obvious from the way you walked into the room. You are weighted down with sadness.’

  ‘Bart can yooo tell me wart this sadness is?’ Amber crossed one leg, leant her elbows on her knee, and steepled her fingers together in an attempt to look both sober and intelligent.

  ‘But of course. It’s your boyfriend. He’s giving you a run for your money.’

  Amber frowned. Matthew hated running. And did money have to do with it?

  ‘Ay don’t think ay understand.’

  ‘Your boyfriend is messing you about.’

  ‘Wart?’ Amber was so confused her elbows slid off her knees and one of her steepled fingers shot painfully up her left nostril.

  ‘All this nonsense about working extra hours at the office, then coming home late, not to mention treating you like his personal housekeeper-come-cleaning lady–’

  ‘Haw do yoo know awl this?’ Amber’s eyebrows were so knitted together she looked like she was sporting a monobrow.

  ‘Because I’m Madam Rosa. I know everything.’

  ‘My Math-yoo is warking very haard,’ Amber protested.

  ‘Your Matthew is having an affair. Time’s up, love.’

  ‘B-but,’ Amber stuttered. ‘Ay haven’t even asked yoo my kwes-tune!’

  ‘Here, take this,’ said Madam Rosa. She leant towards Amber and pressed a plain white card into her hand. ‘If you want to know anything else you’ll have to book a full consultation. Send the next person in, please.’

  Amber stood up, her face a picture of bewilderment. Matthew was having an affair? What a load of rubbish! As she lurched out of Cougar Kate’s lounge, Amber suddenly felt sick. And it was nothing to do with her booze overload.

  Chapter Eight

  ‘I’m next,’ Dee squealed with excitement. She’d been listening to the growing buzz in the air all evening. Everybody was talking about Madam Rosa’s accurate chit-chat and wait-and-see predictions. The fortune teller was going down a storm. Cougar Kate was giving triumphant smiles to everybody. Dee noted that their hostess had yet to take her turn. Dee suspected Cougar Kate was waiting right until everybody had left and then Madam Rosa would stump up the birthday girl’s “commission” with the full forty-five-minute reading.

  ‘Good luck, Dee,’ said Chrissie with a smile. ‘Ooh, look. Here comes Amber. She’s looking very out-of-sorts. She’s had far too much gin.’

  Amber’s face was chalk-white, and her eyes conveyed distress.

  ‘I must dash,’ said Dee, ‘or I’ll miss my slot. Hey, Amber,’ she greeted her friend, ‘keep schtum until I’m back. In fact, let’s all keep schtum until the three of us have been seen. Then we’ll compare notes.’

  Amber nodded like a zombie.

  ‘Are you okay?’ Chrissie asked with concern.

  ‘Drink,’ said Amber, her voice quavering. ‘I need a very big drink.’

  ‘Don’t you think you’ve had enough?’

  ‘Nowhere near,’ said Amber darkly.

  While Chrissie was wrestling a gin bottle off Amber, Dee hurried over to Cougar Kate’s lounge. She knocked eagerly on the door.

  ‘Come in,’ said the voice within.

  Dee entered the room like a whirling tornado, shifting the sofa back a couple of inches as she thumped her backside down on its upholstery. She gave Madam Rosa a smile that stretched from one ear to the other.

  ‘Now I know we only have ten minutes,’ said Dee, ‘so I’ll get straight to the point. All I want to know is–’

  ‘I’m afraid not.’

  Dee’s smile slipped. ‘I hadn’t finished my sentence.’

  ‘You didn’t need to.’

  ‘But how do you know what I was going to ask?’

  ‘I know everything.’

  ‘What? How?’

  ‘Where do you want me to start? With the word of God? The gifts He gave? The distortion by mankind, and the burning of supposed witches at the stake?’

  ‘Er, no…just,’ Dee scratched her head, ‘back to the beginning of my sentence. What was I going to ask?’

  ‘You were going to ask if your boyfriend was ever likely to propose marriage.’

  Dee gasped. Hearing Madam Rosa speak aloud the very words that had been going around in her head, was both exhilarating and shocking. And then Dee collected herself. Every young woman dreamt about finding her prince, falling in love, getting married and living happily ever after. Well, most of them anyway. Dee reasoned that probably eighty per-cent of the women here tonight had wanted to know the very same thing. Wasn’t that the exact question Cougar Kate would also be asking Madam Rosa too? Of course!

  Ha, Madam Rosa! Nice try, but I’m three steps ahead of you!

  ‘Actually, my boyfriend has already proposed,’ Dee lied.

  Madam Rosa raised an eyebrow in surprise. ‘Sorry, but there will be no wedding.’

  ‘Well maybe not this year,’ Dee bluffed, ‘after all, we’re saving very hard. Weddings aren’t cheap.’

  ‘No, they’re not. But if I were you I’d keep quiet about that bit of money you have squirrelled away. Save it for the next young man you’re going to meet. He’ll be coming along soon enough, and he’s a smasher.’

  ‘W-what?’ Dee stuttered. She felt as if Madam Rosa had thrown cold water in her face. ‘Okay, I’ll level with you. He hasn’t really asked me to marry him. Not yet, anyway. But please, tell me why you’re so sure there won’t be a wedding?’

  ‘He’s seeing someone else, love. He’s having an affair.’

  Dee nearly hooted aloud at such a ridiculous prediction. This Madam Rosa was an absolute charlatan. She was playing guessing games, and trying to scramble Dee’s brain cells. Anger rippled through her. Not only was Madam Rosa a fraud, she was also a nasty piece of
work. She stared at the mild looking woman sitting in the armchair opposite her. ‘How dare you!’

  ‘Sorry to cause you pain. But it’s better to know the truth. It will save you greater heartache later. Send in the next person, love.’

  Dee sprang to her feet. Rage was pumping through her veins, turning her blood to molten lava. ‘Yes, I’ll send the next person in. But before I go, I’d like to question what sort of fortune teller you are to inflict such distress?’

  ‘I believe in honesty. Apart from anything else, you were in distress before you even came to me. And that’s all down to your boyfriend. Josh.’

  Dee gasped. How did Madam Rosa know her partner’s name?

  ‘I told you,’ said Madam Rosa. ‘I know everything. Now please send in the next person.’

  Dee stared at Madam Rosa with a mixture of fury and indignation. She realised she was on the verge of tears. Without another word, she stormed out of the room almost knocking into Chrissie who was waiting outside.

  ‘I’m warning you now,’ Dee growled under her breath, ‘don’t believe one word that woman says. She’s bang out of order. She’ll try and wreck your life.’

  ‘Oh?’ said Chrissie, looking alarmed. ‘Surely ten minutes can’t cause any harm? Whatever’s happ–’

  ‘Come in,’ said Madam Rosa, her voice filtering through the still open doorway.

  ‘I’ll see you in a few minutes,’ whispered Chrissie. ‘Please go and look after Amber. She seems intent on going from drunk to paralytic.’

  ‘Yeah, and I’ll bet I know why,’ said Dee, before stalking off to Amber.

  Chrissie shut the door after her. ‘Sorry about that,’ she apologised to Madam Rosa. ‘My friend seems a bit, er, fired up about something.’

  ‘Ah, yes, I see now. You’re here with the two ladies who have just left. Like them, you would like to know if your boyfriend is going to propose marriage in the near future.’

  ‘Er, yes. That’s right.’ Chrissie assumed either Amber or Dee had mentioned this to Madam Rosa.

  ‘You didn’t need to see me to have that question answered, young lady. Your heart already knows the answer.’

  ‘Does it?’ asked Chrissie uncertainly.

  ‘Indeed.’ Madam Rosa put her head on one side, as if considering. ‘You haven’t been happy for a long time. Years. You’re wasting your life with the man you’re living with. He is more interested in his fake friends – men who bring negative energy into your home. It’s a darkness that, like glue, sticks to every cell of your body, and causes misery. If you’re not careful, you could end up with full-blown depression.’

  Chrissie gulped. This was a bit too honest for her liking. Madam Rosa was staring at her as if she was nothing more than an open book from which she was reading. A sudden feeling ambushed Chrissie. It was one of realisation. She felt as if she was seeing herself in the weeks, months, then years ahead, looking harassed and worn down. Chrissie grasped all this in a nano-second. But she knew there was no way out.

  ‘Oh yes there is,’ said Madam Rosa.

  ‘Sorry?’ said Chrissie looking startled. Was this woman also reading her mind?

  ‘A way out will become apparent sooner than you think. Meanwhile don’t make yourself a financial slave to this man. He’s using you. And he’s having an affair. Time’s up, love. Send the next one in.’

  ‘An affair?’ said Chrissie stupidly. The only affair Chrissie knew about was Andrew’s love affair with his mates and their stupid computer games.

  Ashen-faced, she stood up and made her way to the door. No wonder Amber and Dee had looked shell-shocked after their readings. As Chrissie left the room she spotted Amber, who was still knocking back the gin. Dee, who had to drive, appeared to be sniffing the contents of a whisky bottle in an effort to calm her angst. Chrissie decided she might have to do the same. It was quite obvious the three of them had been given disastrous news.

  Chapter Nine

  The girls made leaving excuses to Cougar Kate soon after their “readings”.

  ‘Good news?’ enquired their hostess, trying and failing to look concerned about their downcast faces.

  ‘Yesh,’ slurred Amber. Her expression was one of belligerence. ‘Absholutely the besht newsh,’ she took a deep breath and put all her effort into adding, ‘everrr.’

  ‘It’s been, um, an interesting evening,’ said Chrissie.

  ‘You can say that again,’ mumbled Dee.

  ‘Excellent,’ said Cougar Kate with delight. ‘See you all at the office on Monday. Hopefully I’ll shortly have good news too, and we can celebrate over an instant coffee in our employer’s manky kitchenette.’ She gave a gurgle of laughter at her stab of wit.

  The three friends drooped out of Cougar Kate’s house to Dee’s car.

  ‘Right,’ said Dee, starting up the engine. ‘Who’s going first in sharing the “wonderful” news delivered by Madam chuffing Know-It-All?’

  ‘I feel shick,’ said Amber.

  ‘Don’t you dare throw up in my car,’ warned Dee. She reversed off Cougar Kate’s driveway and headed in the direction of Amber’s house. The sooner she got there, the better. The last thing she wanted was Amber regurgitating champagne and gin all over the back seat.

  ‘You don’ unnershtand,’ Amber mumbled. ‘I feel shick at what that ’orrible woman tol’ me.’

  ‘Go on then,’ said Chrissie, ‘you go first, Amber. Tell us what Madam Rosa said to you.’

  ‘She shed my hearth was,’ Amber waved her hands extensively, ‘ever’where, an’ Math-yoo wash bein’ a ver’ naughty boy.’

  ‘Eh?’ asked Dee.

  Chrissie translated. ‘I think Amber said her heart is everywhere and Matthew is being a very naughty boy.’

  ‘How naughty?’ demanded Dee.

  ‘Havin’ an affair.’

  ‘Huh,’ said Dee. ‘Right, Chrissie. Your turn.’

  ‘Madam Rosa said pretty much the same thing to me.’

  ‘I knew it,’ Dee crowed. ‘The woman is a fraud. For sure. She told me Josh is having an affair.’

  ‘Why would she tell us such things?’ cried Chrissie, distress apparent.

  ‘Don’t you see?’ said Dee, swerving around a fox that was dithering, about dashing in front of the car.

  ‘Don’ do that,’ Amber warned, ‘or I’ll be shick.’

  ‘Sorry,’ said Dee. ‘Listen to me. We’ve sussed Madam Rosa’s marketing ploy. That’s as obvious as the noses on our faces. Madam Rosa is telling us something so shocking we’ll ring her up and make a forty-five-minute appointment and spend a fortune in the process. Then she’ll probably tell us not to worry, our men have seen the error of their ways, all is well in Romance Land, and we’ll be married by Christmas. You mark my words. The woman is a swindler. A money-making charlatan.’ Dee clutched the steering wheel in anger. To hell with Madam Rosa. She hoped the wretched woman’s head rotated one-hundred-and-eighty degrees at midnight and she had to rush off to the local church to get exorcised.

  ‘The only thing ish,’ said Amber unhappily, ‘she tol’ me some other shtuff. And that was accurate.’

  ‘Oh?’ Chrissie raised her eyebrows enquiringly, and looked over her shoulder at Amber sitting on the back seat.

  ‘I haven’t tol’ either of you. It’s embarrashing.’

  ‘Told us what?’ asked Dee, glancing at Amber in the rear-view mirror.

  ‘Math-yoo an’ me have not been,’ Amber paused to think how to phrase her words in her befuddled state, ‘you know, “right” together. For a while. Something ish wrong. He says he’s busy at work. He comes home late, every night. He’s even working weekends. He said it was for us. But I don’t believe him. Do you know how much he shpent on me at Chrissmush? Well I’ll tell yoo,’ said Amber, not bothering to wait for Chrissie and Dee to prompt her. ‘Ten squid.’

  ‘Ten pounds?’ asked Dee incredulously.

  ‘Yesh. An’ I can’t remember the last time we had shax.’

  ‘I think that’s a cross between “s
hag” and “sex”,’ muttered Chrissie to Dee. She cleared her throat. ‘Okay, girls. Confession time for me too. I haven’t confided in either of you before now, but Andrew and I haven’t been getting along for a while.’ She stared out of the passenger window, her eyes momentarily blurring with tears. ‘Madam Rosa said Andrew is using me. That I was nothing more than a financial purse for him. And the awful thing is,’ Chrissie gulped, ‘she’s right.’

  ‘What?’ Dee knew Chrissie never splashed her cash, but had assumed it was because of saving for a house deposit.

  ‘Andrew never has any money. I don’t know what he does with it. He works. But he disappears off to the pub every five minutes with those…those…horrible men that he calls friends. The reality is they’re nothing but losers. I don’t think they work – or can even be bothered to find work. I suspect Andrew is funding their booze and,’ she swallowed unhappily, ‘other stuff.’

  ‘What other stuff?’ Dee prompted.

  ‘Drugs.’

  ‘Drugsh?’ gasped Amber.

  ‘You’re kidding?’ said Dee.

  ‘Sadly not. The place stinks of pot, and the other day there was white stuff all over the kitchen work top. Andrew denied all knowledge of it and blamed Mick – one of the guys you tackled earlier on this evening, Dee.’ She took a deep breath. ‘And the little bit of money I’d saved was spent ages ago when Andrew couldn’t stump up his half of the rent and bills. He’s not been paying his way properly for months. And as for sex,’ she shook her head, ‘I can’t remember the last time we were intimate.’

  ‘Chrissie, you poor love,’ said Dee. She reached across the gearstick to squeeze her friend’s hand. ‘Why don’t you leave him?’

  ‘I have nowhere to go.’

  Dee and Amber were silent. Both of them momentarily considered offering Chrissie a bed so she could escape her depressing relationship. But no sooner had the thought entered their heads, another thought replaced it – neither Matthew nor Josh would want a guest sofa-surfing until alternative digs were found.

  ‘I keep hoping,’ said Chrissie wistfully, ‘that he’ll change back into the Andrew I fell in love with. That Andrew was sweet and kind and thoughtful. This Andrew is a stranger.’