Peace Talks

by Andrew Motion

  Now I think we are beginning to see the bow-wave of trauma.

  Therefore I go with the men sometimes, pray for them always.

  3 Life So Far

  My mother was keen to celebrate birthdays –

  still is.

  When I turned twenty-five

  I got her cake on exercise in Brecon,

  my friend Tom

  pulled it out from his rucksack for me –

  he’d been carting it round a week.

  Then I got cake again

  in the Mess before we went to head off.

  Afghanistan is something I wanted,

  really wanted.

  I’ve always enjoyed being outside,

  playing in the woods.

  First job

  was Ground Holding in Central Helmand,

  a base the size of a tennis court,

  fifteen people,

  actually good

  for someone who doesn’t have a house so far

  or anything.

  We patrolled a lot on foot,

  maybe eight or ten hours each day;

  if you think of the country

  like a map of the Underground

  we were pretty safe in Zones 1 and 2.

  Further off in Zone 4

  it was more kinetic,

  which I’d say refers to enemy action

  when they’re shooting at you,

  a good insurgent presence.

  After that

  we went to the desert country west of Sangin,

  a thousand metres above sea level,

  absolutely bare and cold.

  At night I dug this hole

  only a little larger than my body;

  I was very cosy in my down jacket,

  with a warm sleeping bag,

  and a thick mat.

  I was making a nest,

  everything tucked in.

  It’s a strange one.

  All night I was just a pair of eyes

  with the sky running over me,

  not sleeping,

  looking at the stars and the black horizon,

  not seeing any depth.

  There’s something to be said

  for thinking earth has been here a long time.

  Everything feels sweeter

  coming back to camp after that.

  Trees for instance.

  And poppy fields in April and May –

  field after field of poppies –

  then desert,

  then more blocks of colour,

  pink and red and white.

  And compounds showing up green,

  and clear blue skies

  above brown walls and barbed wire.

  Really quite good actually:

  you’ve made your decision,

  you want to lead men in an operation.

  But you don’t want to die,

  not much,

  so you’re always looking for ground signs,

  a patch of disturbed earth,

  a wire poking out

  or an antenna,

  and you’re always totally unpredictable

  about where you are,

  erratic,

  finding the most difficult way

  to get to anywhere,

  avoiding bottlenecks and crossroads,

  cutting through hedges,

  constantly observing,

  in and out of the ditches which were –.

  Well,

  you’re carrying fifty kilos of equipment,

  wearing body armour plates front and rear,

  smaller ones on both sides,

  knee-pads, gloves, glasses, helmet, chin-strap,

  ear-piece for the radio,

  thick lycra shorts to protect against the blast,

  also a heavy thing like a nappy.

  Amazing how the body gets used to it.

  You sweat and sweat

  and you don’t hold anything back,

  you just sweat and accept.

  Once a week

  we went down to Helmand River,

  cliffs one side

  and the other a wide green zone,

  and no we didn’t swim there,

  the current was too fast.

  But we did stand there in our full armour,

  and we saw the country opening

  right the way up to the mountains.

  Another time

  it was four o’clock in the morning,

  June,

  and we needed to cross a ditch,

  actually much less of a ditch

  more like a river,

  a narrow river and straight,

  with trees either side

  and the moon shining between them.

  I stepped forward.

  I stepped forward into the water

  and I felt

  my feet lose

  touch with the bottom,

  and I was just

  ‘O goodness I’m sinking’,

  and my legs were floating away

  but it was all fine

  to get wet,

  it was fine,

  and go through onto the high ground again.

  4 The Programme

  I’m an army brat. I was brought up

  to love the army. Basically I now do

  army intelligence work. I’m twenty.

  It was difficult for Mum to start with.

  Take good care of yourself she said;

  keep your head down; be a grey man.

  But you can’t do that, no. You see it.

  You see it and you think it isn’t real,

  until you get smells and other things.

  I miss the gym, did I mention the gym?

  I did the Insanity Training Programme

  and I loved it. I followed that through.

  5 Talking to the Moon

  Twenty-two years I’ve been in the army

  my husband

  we were at Sandhurst together

  and five years after

  courting

  I think is the word

  I’d done Bosnia by then

  in a tented camp

  with the floods

  and guys ringing home

  with water

  up to their knees

  so with his tours

  in Ireland

  Iraq

  Afghanistan now

  I do understand

  I do

  I’ve been there

  I’ve done that

  but hey

  I don’t want to hear

  the day

  he sent me a bluey

  I took it

  I looked at the map

  mistake

  a giant mistake

  I thought

  don’t need it

  I don’t

  we have four children

  and Freddy the oldest

  fourteen

  he’s quick

  much quicker

  stop

  stop

  stop

  stop

  I set up the choir

  I’ve started my art

  you have to do something

  Sharon and Franny and Pam

  I don’t know

  what would I do

  injured

  or broken

  also there’s writing

  but actually

  I am so

  hey

  at least you’re twisting the lid

  or

  you look at the mountains

  they take you away

  who could be there

  who has explored them

  who

  is living there now

  also the sky

  if the children

  are wanting to talk

  I say to them

  talk to the moon

  Daddy can do that

  talk to the moon together

  then there’s the bunting

  it’s hardly

&n
bsp; like Christmas

  but listen

  it comes with us everywhere

  we have a box

  embarrassing really

  never mind that

  no one will see it

  this time

  this time when he’s home

  we’re tucked away in the woods.

  6 Critical Care

  Jesus – Stay still – Stay fucking still –

  Stay with us – Put morphine on it –

  Don’t touch it – Don’t touch it –

  We’ve got to get him out now –

  We’ve got to get him out now –

  *

  All the way across on the slide.

  Everyone ready?

  Slide

  *

  You’re back in England.

  and my name’s Clare.

  You’ve got three of us you lucky boy.

  Kate, and Hazel, and Clare.

  Now just take a little break

  in your breathing again.

  Good lad, good lad,

  you’re doing very well.

  But it’s not the best day you’ve ever had,

  is it, Andrew?

  *

  The explosion has driven

  a whole load of sand

  and mud and rubbish

  up into the tissue planes.

  And of course the bugs,

  they’ve got in there

  and they love it.

  They’ve got a lovely warm moist wound,

  lots of nutrients,

  and they think they’re on holiday.

  *

  This is Mum,

  Mum’s come to see you.

  And Natalie was on the phone

  asking how you’re doing.

  She’s waiting for me to tell her

  everything’s all right.

  But it’s not, is it babes?

  Well,

  we’ll wait for the morning

  and see how that goes.

  *

  We’re going to try and save the other leg,

  his foot still has a pulse.

  We’re going to use topical negative pressure,

  suction if you like, or a vacuum.

  The bugs really don’t like it.

  *

  If you knew what was in store for you

  you wouldn’t have your children.

  *

  The blast also ripped the gums from his teeth.

  This thing here,

  this is a bit of grass from an Afghan field.

  *

  Natalie’s with me now.

  She says the baby’s

  kicking the crap out of her,

  don’t you love?

  *

  The surface of his eyes are so badly burned

  a special membrane has been imported from America

  to help reduce scarring.

  It’s the best chance he has

  of regaining some sight.

  *

  Now

  is really a waiting game.

  All you do is wait.

  *

  Unfortunately

  the foot doesn’t look very good.

  Dusky.

  The decision to operate depends on several factors.

  *

  I told you I’d be back to hold your hand,

  didn’t I, love?

  Here I am. I hope you can feel me holding.

  *

  Sister could you get a power amputation saw?

  An amputation saw on power?

  *

  I imagine his first thoughts will be

  it’s better off dying.

  *

  As long as you can sleep peacefully

  after making the decision

  then you have made the right decision.

  And I think we will sleep peacefully

  after making this decision today.

  *

  We find on the whole

  when we do take the station off,

  and allow them to wake up,

  they are absolutely terrified.

  Then we keep having to stress

  they are safe now.

  They are safe now.

  *

  It’s all looking good.

  It’s all looking very good in fact.

  What we do next is take a sliver of skin,

  a graze,

  like when you fall off your bike.

  Can I give you the skin?

  *

  You are sort of coming round now,

  aren’t you love?

  You’ve been here three weeks

  and you’ve been injured.

  Yes lovey you have.

  You’ve been here three weeks

  and I’ve been at your side.

  You’ve been injured.

  *

  He’s been nodding yes and no

  and squeezing my hand.

  I can’t tell

  what the noes are about.

  *

  You still remember what’s wrong don’t you?

  No?

  You want to hear again?

  You’ve lost your legs.

  Yes two of them, both of them.

  Please don’t push me away, mate.

  Please don’t push me away.

  *

  Andrew lives every day.

  He lives every day for a hopefully.

  7 One Tourniquet

  It was a long time ago

  but I was there,

  a combat medical technician.

  I saw

  children and IEDs

  which wasn’t nice at all.

  One boy:

  he had shorts and a dirty vest,

  he stood on a mine.

  He was conscious at first,

  screaming,

  and I thought

  what a mess.

  All in a bit of field.

  None of the other kids cried,

  they’re all quite sort of tough.

  Very tough kids in fact.

  Definitely.

  At the time

  we were issued with only one tourniquet each.

  But Camp Phoenix was down the road

  and he went there.

  A double amputee.

  We heard later he survived.

  So yeah. Brilliant.

  Everything is hard.

  Everything they’ve got to do

  everywhere they’ve got to go.

  Just hard.

  I used to imagine

  little towns in the country

  nobody knew.

  Little towns nobody had touched.

  People would be living there

  all the same.

  Just living there

  in the vastness.

  8 The Gardener

  In memory of Lieutenant Mark Evison

  We spent

  many hours kneeling together in the garden

  so many hours

  Mark

  he liked lending a hand

  watching Gardeners’ World

  building compost heaps

  or the brick path with the cherry tree

  that grows over it now the white cherry

  where I thought I mustn’t cry

  I must behave

  as if he’s coming back

  *

  It was just after Easter

  with everything in leaf

  he is so sweet really

  though worldly

  before his time

  I kissed him and said

  See you

  in six months and he turned

  he turned and said

  *

  I opened the garden for the first time

  the National Gardens Scheme

  you know

  what gardens are like in May

  and this man was hovering around

  outside the front

  as we walked down the side passage

  he said


  I’m a Major

  I said Oh my son he’s in the army

  sort of brightly

  *

  Then no one was there

  so I went

  and I gardened all day

  how slow how satisfying

  I felt next morning

  he was struggling for his life

  *

  He would be home

  with three transfers

  on three different planes

  my daughter Elizabeth and I drove to Birmingham

  my mobile there on the dashboard

  we had worked out the times of the last plane