Doubting Our Hearts

by Rachel E. Cagle

  The sound that my phone has received a new text message alerts me that I need to start getting prepared for this shoot. I look down to see it's from Nora. If it was anyone else but Nora who fell in love with Damon, I wouldn't be as hurt as I am now.

  What better time than the present to try and start letting my heart heal. I know I need to be a big girl about this and not flip out. What better way than decide to read a few of her text messages. If she says his name, I’ll have to stop reading. After I take a few breaths, I open up her messages and start reading from the bottom up.

  I miss you Lil

  I'm so sorry

  Please talk to me

  I never meant for this to happen

  You're my sister Lil. Please answer

  the phone.

  Your mom told my mom you were in

  New York. Please be safe. It's a big city.

  I'm scared for you.

  Where are you? You haven't read my

  emails or returned any of my calls. I

  need you Lil.

  I love you Lil

  Please call me back. Damon—

  I shut my eyes, closing my phone. That's exactly where that conversation will end. I'm not going to lie and say I don't miss Nora. We did almost everything together. I think that's what's making this harder to come to grips with because it was her.

  Today, however, I need to close off the pain of my past, the hurt of seeing Brayden and his girlfriend, and focus on what I need to do. I need to shoot two brothers, and I need to make it GQ ready.

  After I dress in some graphite colored kona pants and a plain white tee. It's not cold out in New York yet, but I like to keep my work area cooler since I do work with a lot of lighting depending on the shot. I always bring my hot pink Victoria's Secret sweater with me when I'm working indoors. I like comfort and stress the same with my clients.

  As I'm getting all my things ready in my bag, my phone dings with another text message. I peek at the sender, and it's Riley reminding me of our deal. Great. Now that's what I'm going to be thinking about as I try to take these guys’ pictures. I just hope the engaged one brings his fiancée, so I might be able to get that picture I envisioned in Jerry's office.

  Luckily, the place that's reserved for the shoot isn't far from my apartment, so I walk the streets pulling my bag along with me. I make sure I have the right address and drag my luggage up the stairs. After knocking on the door, I come face-to-face with a pretty brunette in a grey pencil dress with her hair in a tight chignon.

  "Hi. Umm, I'm Lillian. The photographer."

  "Oh yes, Miss Anderson. Please come in. I'm Becky. It's a pleasure to meet you. Set up wherever you think is most appropriate."

  "Thanks. I appreciate that."

  I get to work setting up my equipment, working to get the lights right and the backdrop perfect. I start to think how I could best show off these two gentlemen best as brothers and rulers in this company. A desk maybe? No. One would stand and the other would sit showing one has power over the other and I don't want that. I want them as equals. Perhaps something like a tall mirror that shows the reflection of the buildings since their property managers and then both of them side by side or maybe even just as normal guys.

  Before I've set the last part of my equipment where I need it, I hear the door open and a male voice speak.

  "Becky, I know we agreed already, but I went and looked at that place again. Long-term is great, and I see good things coming from it, but I doubt it'll be profitable during the next twelve months. That’s a big hit to take in the short-term."

  The voice sounds oddly familiar, but something is different about it. I don't know if it's the sound or the way he speaks, but it's not right. God, I’m going crazy. Every guy I hear will be compared to him. Geez, I need to get this done and go get a drink. I'm losing it here.

  "Yes, sir. I've made a note of it. You're brother called and said he was going to be a few minutes late. Would you like to meet Miss Anderson now and start or just wait for your brother?"

  "Give me a minute and we'll start. I need to get back to the office and finish up a few things. PR pushed this pretty heavy and said it’d be good for the company."

  I frown and fiddle with my camera. I've dealt with people not wanting their photograph taken and the experience was less than pleasurable. My only hope in this is we can get some good shots and get it over with as soon as we can.

  I start going through the camera making sure things are set properly and start taking a few pictures of the white backdrop just to get ready.

  "Miss Anderson?" A deep voice from behind me asks.

  When I turn, I can't help the shock and awe that overcome my body. It's none other than Brayden, and everything he told me about his life in New York comes flooding back. He told me he has a brother and they work together. He said it was real estate, but property management wasn't too far off. I'm sure he wanted to hide the fact he's some big shot in New York. I didn't go into detail about the ins and outs of my professional career, so why should he?

  "Uh, yeah, so, hey." God, that sounded so stupid and completely unprofessional.

  He offers his hand. I remember the first time I put my hand in his and it burned like the crackle of a warm fire. As I step and reach my hand out to slip it in his, I couldn't take me eyes off him and his stare. Same chocolate brown eyes and brown hair. His lips are slightly thinner and stubble non-existent. When my fingers met the soft skin of his palm, the fire wasn't there anymore. It was if I was shaking the hand of an ordinary man from anywhere.

  He eyes me curiously. "I know you."

  "Yeah." I gave an ungracious almost snort of sorts and look away.

  "No, really. I know you from somewhere." Seriously? You know me from somewhere?

  "We really don't have to play this game Mr. Knight. Just pretend you don't know me, and we can just do this shoot okay." I try to pull my hand away, but his grip keep me firmly rooted. His eyes look me over probably trying to remember. This is so horrifying.

  "I saw you in the Square, didn't I?" Does he have long-term memory loss or something? I thought our time in Tampa was more memorable than for him to forget completely.

  "Yeah, with your girlfriend." I can't hide my disdain with my comment. I need to pull it together. He really only remembers seeing me for a few seconds in Times Square? I must be so crazy for not asking Jerry for further details. I look at the ground before I continue. "I'm sorry for my rudeness. Can we start again, please? I’m Lillian, and if you give me a minute, we can get started.”

  "Wait. Lillian Anderson, right?"

  "Yep. That's me." Trying to hide the sarcasm in my voice totally didn’t work for me.

  "Lillian Anderson. Hmmm."

  What’s more to think about? You don’t remember. You told me you liked me and asked me to come back with you, and you don’t freaking remember me.

  "Yep you said it, so can we please get started?"

  Does he really not remember? And this is the guy who said all those nice things to me and he forgets my name? I really don't have a good track record with men. I try and take my hand from his but again he won't let me go. I hear the front door open and another male and female voice mingle together. Please world just swallow me whole. Another humiliating experience to add to my growing list of completely horrific events.

  "Please, Mr. Knight. Let. Me. Go." I punctuate the last three words as I tug on the death grip he has on my hand.

  "Lillian?"

  My body goes tense and it takes me a minute to process what the hell is going on here. When I look up to the doorframe, I see another Brayden. I look between the Brayden holding my hand and the Brayden that's just walked into the room. Never would I have thought this was a possibility. No wonder his brother didn't recognize me or know my name. His brother never knew about me.

  I lock eyes with the real Brayden and gaze into his familiar chocolate brown eyes. Everything I missed about him everything I knew about him came rushing back to me, his smile, h
is touch, the way he laughed.

  "Yeah." Where is my voice? My pulse has increased ten-fold and my breathing is short and fast. I'm going to hyperventilate. I know it.

  The hand that was gripping me lets me go. "I knew your name sounded familiar. You're Lillian...Brayden's Lillian."

  I just shake my head, but my voice escapes me. I was never his Lillian as much as I wanted to be. I could feel Brayden walk up beside me and his body heat radiates from under his grey suit.

  "Lillian, this is my brother Brendan...my twin brother."

  Now I must apologize profusely to make amends with his brother I was so rude to just a few short minutes ago. "Hi. I'm sorry for acting like...I don't know...a jealous ex girlfriend. I just..." Oh no, did I really just say that? What is wrong with me today? Do I not have a filter?

  "No worries. I'll give you guys a minute before we get started." Brendan replies as he hustles Becky and the other woman out of the room.

  It's just us. I don’t wanna say the first thing. I can't tell him he was right about Damon, and I was a fool not to trust him.

  Instead of words, he takes his hand and picks up my left hand. There’s that familiar burn of the flame emitting from the connection of our skin. He feels around for something that hasn't been there for just over three months and will never be there again. Here it is. There's your proof. He brings my hand to his lips, and the fire inside me is working its way to the surface.

  "You didn't do it," He whispers.

  I can't tell him the story, so I just shake my head in the negative. I've wanted to feel his touch and his comfort since I moved here. I bask in the feel on his warm lips on my knuckles.

  "I wish you would have called me."

  "And what good would that have done? It would’ve just rehashed what I have to deal with every day. It'll only mess me up more." That came out of nowhere especially with hurt in my voice, but it's the truth. I didn't lie to him when we were in Tampa, and I'm not going to start now.

  He seemed to realize he was still holding my hand when he placed it back at my side.

  "Can we get started please?" I beg.

  "Yeah," He says as I start to turn with my camera. "Lillian."

  I don't know if it's just the fact he failed to mention his brother was a damn twin or the fact that I need to act professional in all of this or even the reaction my body still has to his nearness and touch that's making me act so unlike me.

  "Please don't. I can get through this if you can." It was then that I realize what Jerry said to me. I guess one of them just got engaged, so the bachelor duo is down to one. I have to ask now, but something tells me I won't like what I'm about to hear. I saw the blonde with his brother, so maybe it's not as bad as I think it is. "Which one of you is engaged?"

  His mouth starts to open, but quickly shuts it. He's silent for another minute, and I have my answer. Just like that no words need to be spoken to tell me he's the one engaged.

  "Lillian, let me explain."

  I hold up both hands to get him to shut up. That was exactly what Damon told me after Nora told me she loved him. I don't need anyone to explain to me. I don't like long drawn out explanations. I'd rather someone show me.

  "Look what's done is done. I haven't seen you in months and I wouldn't expect our friendship to alter your life. However, I do have a job to do, and I would appreciate it if I could have a few minutes to get myself together so I can finish this shoot. I'll let you and your brother know when I'm ready."

  Here he is again with the look of defeat, sad eyes, and half smile as I turn on my heels. Anger is coursing through my veins, and I can’t control it. I need to breathe through this. I need to regain my composure and be the professional I know I am.

  What’s that saying?

  It’s not the job you do but how you do it.

  Nope.

  That’s not it.

  Ah, yes…

  Easier said than done.

  Chapter 5

  Brayden

  I walk into the room where my brother, Candice, and Becky sit around a table. They look up to me but don't say anything.

  Lillian’s here. In New York. When I saw her name under that photo in GQ, I silently wished she was here. Even as disappointed as I was with how things ended between us, I can't deny that woman has some type of pull on me.

  Being here in New York is one thing, but knowing she didn't marry that asshole is so much more than I could’ve prayed for. I tried many times while we were hanging out to tell her it seemed odd her fiancé and best friend worked together long hours. She was oblivious to what was right in front of her and naive to think their relationship was completely on a friendly level. It was like he was giving her the same lines she was giving me.

  Dammit to hell, she sounded so hurt when I told her she should have called me and seemed like she didn't want to think about what happened, which only made my blood boil knowing he hurt her in some way.

  Regardless of what happened to her in Tampa, it didn't escape my notice of the pain on her face when she realized I was engaged. She must think I lied to her, and, to my dismay, that's exactly what I did. I didn't tell her about Addison. I should have been as honest as she was with me, but when I'm with her I don't think of anything else but being with her.

  "Hey, look, Bray. I didn't know who she was or I would’ve told you." My brother says.

  "That's really her isn't it? I'm not dreaming this am I?" If someone were to tell me I was going to see Lillian today, I might have done so many things differently. Hell, I probably would have done the last nine months differently.

  "I'm sorry, sir. The subject of who the photographer was never came up in conversation," Candice counters.

  "It's not your fault, Candice. Would you and Becky head back to the office? We'll call you when we're on our way there."

  "Sure. Not a problem, sir."

  When our assistants leave the room, I sit in a chair and put my head in my hands.

  "Holy shit, Bren. That's the girl. What is going on and how is this possible? She was supposed to be married."

  “Supposed to be as in you didn't see a ring?"

  I shake my head still trying to figure out what I should do. She smells the same as she did all those months ago. She's even more beautiful now than she was then, and back then she was incredible.

  "I'm guessing she knows about Addy." I bring my face up to meet my brother's.

  "Yeah, I didn't get a chance to explain the situation. She just asked me which one of us was engaged, and well...I didn't say anything. I couldn't lie to her anymore than I already have."

  "You didn't tell her you were a twin either by the shock and confusion on her face when you walked in the room."

  "Why would I dude? I mean I told her about you, but not that we look exactly alike."

  "Well, not entirely exactly alike anymore” He smirks. “I'm better looking though," he teased.

  "At this point, I'd let you win that argument." I say as my face goes back in my hands. "I mean this woman turned my world upside down. You know that. I told you everything. I second guessed myself for months about proposing to Addy because of her. When I realized she was really gone, I saw Addy differently. Don't get me wrong I love Addy, and I would never hurt her but Lillian..."

  I trail off and become quiet. I can't even continue to evaluate what Lillian was to me. I never put a label on what I felt because my emotions would have started to drown me not being able to be with her. She was everywhere I looked and in everything I did.

  There are so many unanswered questions between us I can't even begin to search for the answers to them all. I know I need some time with her to try to figure them out and process my feelings for her. Imagining her was one thing, but having her here with me and interacting with her again is what I want. No. I need this.

  My body still reacted the same way it did as I gripped her hand and pushed my lips to her knuckles. The sound of her voice still does crazy things to my stomach as do those deep green eyes.
r />   "Bray, do you love her?"

  "My first reaction would be to say no. I've only known her for three weeks nine months ago, but another part of me wants to try to put into words all the emotions I feel when she's near me. I don't know if what I'm feeling is love or lust." I try to slow my breathing, but being this close to her and having the ability to touch her is totally messing with me. "And as much as I want label this connection, I just couldn't do that to Addison. She's stuck by me when some women would cut their losses and bail. What the hell and I gonna do?"

  Brendan thinks about my question for a few minutes before saying, "How about this, you try to take Lillian out as friends like you guys did before and just see how she is. I won't tell Addy. I'll just take her out and talk about all that wedding junk. It'll kill me. God, it’ll kill me, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make for you."

  "I don't want to lie anymore, bro."

  "You're not lying. I am. Plus, Addy is so mixed up with her modeling career you guys hardly spend any time together anyway." He puts his hand on my shoulder. "The way you're talking really sounds like you like her a lot, possibly even love her. But whatever it is, you need to figure out those feelings before you do something you might regret, say in five months."

  I let out a short laugh knowing my brother is right. If I marry Addy without fully knowing what this thing is between Lillian and me, I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life. Before anything else, I need to come clean with Lillian about our past and my intentions. Her steadfastness about her commitment to Damon was one of the things I admired about her, and I feel the same level of commitment toward Addison. She didn't run last time, and since I'm going to stop withholding the truth, she needs to hear this from me. I owe her that much. I'll keep things plutonic between Lillian and me because questions need answered before I can vow to love and honor any woman.

  A knock at the door has me jerking my head up to connect with the same green eyes that mesmerized me months ago. "Umm, I'm ready when y'all are," She says as she closed the door lightly behind her.