"I want to have dinner with you, Lillian."
"Why? Your fiancée will find out, and I wouldn't forgive myself if you lost her over me." I don't know how good that sounded, but to me it wasn't completely accurate. I wouldn't forgive myself, but more importantly I wouldn't forgive the feeling Brayden would have.
"Addison’s going away on business today. I'm going to tell her I met up with you and be completely up front. No more secrets." He takes a deep breath while I process what he's saying. "Brendan suggested he accompany her around for wedding things. I have no doubt she'll agree. Before you ask, she knows about you. I want to explain everything over dinner." I process his words. Not wanting to say no and not wanting to say yes puts me in a hard place. "As friends."
I don't know if I can do this, but I know I want to. I've been wishing to spend time with him to regain that feeling of comfort I've missed these past nine months. Now I have a chance to get that back while keeping our friendship and not interfering in his plans to marry Addison.
Addison of all the names. It sounds so perfect and innocent. Just like someone he should marry. I roll my eyes trying to muster up all my confidence that left me at the sight of his tattoo.
"Just as friends," I confirm.
The smile that grows on his face is breathtaking. I swear he could be a beacon of light in a dark alley. I smiled back, and he wrapped me in a warm embrace.
Whereas before I would wiggle my way out of his embrace, this time I didn't fight the feeling. It's the feeling I've been missing, his comfort. Friends hug right? My cheek against his burning hot skin did nothing for my libido. I push him away far sooner than I wanted to.
"Ok, yeah, we're done, so get some clothes on."
After he chuckled and left, I turn and drop to the floor. So many questions running through my head not counting my fears and worries. Taking a few deep breaths, I regain my composure before the twin brothers reenter the room.
"Well, it was nice to finally be properly introduced, Lillian. I look forward to seeing you again." Brendan shook my hand with a smile then out of nowhere wraps me in his own embrace. It takes me off guard but it’s nice to be able to have a good cordial starting point with Brayden's brother. Then he leans next to my ear and whispers, "Give 'em hell."
I just smile and brake our embrace. It's time to put on my big girl panties and be the friend that I'd promised to be. "Well, have fun shopping for the wedding. If you need any help, just let me know. I'm an expert." I frown slightly thinking of my own wedding.
"I might just do that." Brendan winks at me then leaves Brayden and me alone again.
Silence.
"So." He says shifting back and forth on his feet.
Awkward pause.
"So." Now we're in the awkward stage of monosyllables I see.
Another pregnant silence just staring at each other.
"Would you like to get something to eat then walk along the river?" He asks timidly.
"Sure. This isn't a romantic stroll is it? Cuz if it is maybe we should forego the stroll and do like paintball or something," I respond trying to pick up some humor to douse any sort of romantic vibe he might be having.
"Yeah, paintball is much more friends zone than walking, but I'll keep that one in mind though." He's starting to look unsure of himself, which is a bit of a change from the man who was always so confident. "No. I thought maybe some seafood and then we can go see the fireworks shoot off over the Brooklyn Bridge."
"Fireworks? Now you're just going above and beyond. Don't you think? That definitely screams romance to me." He laughs, and I can tell our friendly back and forth banter is back in full swing.
"Well, I don't think I could wine and dine a woman that has always been restricted to the title of friend. However, today is my lucky day. I didn't have to pay extra for the fireworks. Although, I would suggest you bring your camera."
"Why? What's so big about today?"
"Lillian, it's the 4th of July."
******
Today. Today of all days I finally meet back up with the exact brown eyes of my 'friend.' A 'friend' that always said the nicest things. The 'friend' that I let take a picture of me, which never happens. A 'friend' that in the end was always looking out for me even when I was too blind to see what was really happening.
So, if I say 'friend' enough I should believe that's exactly what he was, right?
I head for the fridge to grab my customary Stella after a shoot, and try to ponder why today of all days do I see Brayden again. It could’ve been more appropriate to meet him up on Halloween when you see ghosts and other things that haunt you but not me. It had to be on Independence Day.
This day doesn't just mark the freedom of our country, but the separation from one to be free as part of another. The irony is not lost on me that I did the same thing moving here. I cut myself off from Tampa, Nora, and Damon to be free in New York where I had the small inkling that I might eventually find my way back into Brayden's life. Isn't it also ironic that our friendship started out that I was engaged and he was the outsider, and now the tables have turned?
I walk over to my laptop and find the song in my head, Alanis Morissette's Ironic...why not play the whole Jagged Little Pill album. Pretty fitting for my situation. I find the album, crank it up loud, and walk into the bathroom to start the shower.
While I shower, my mind and body are trying to calm themselves from the high of being near Brayden again.
"So, how do I get in touch with you?" I asked playfully.
"I'll meet you by Prometheus in Rockefeller Center."
"Seriously? You're not going to give me your number so I can call you like a normal person."
His mock gasp was too funny not to laugh at. "If I remember correctly, I didn't get your number the first time we met."
"True. Is there a certain time I should meet you or just hang out by the golden statue until nightfall like some lovesick girl waiting for her one true love?" Ugh. What compelled me to ask the question like that I'll never know, but I could see him visibly tense at my words.
He just continued on like he didn't hear me say lovesick and true love in the same sentence. "I was thinking, let's say around five. We can walk to Le Bernardin from there and then catch a cab over to the river to watch the fireworks."
"And what if all of this sounds too romantic and I don't show up?" I had to counter quickly to keep up our banter or he's just going to think I'm completely crazy.
He looked hurt by my joking question. Does he really think I wouldn't show up after all of this? He slides his hands across the slid of my neck and all my senses tune to Brayden. When his forehead was against mine, he whispered, "Oh, you will." He then placed a short kiss where his forehead once lay then walked to the door. He turned the handle of the knob and turned to me as he open the door. "Miss Anderson," He said as he graciously bowed to me.
I went with it and curtseyed with my imaginary dress as I bowed my head. "Mr. Knight." And then he was gone.
I would be lying to myself and anyone who asked if I said I wasn't secretly looking forward to tonight with Brayden. I feel awful for being excited to be doing anything with him since he's engaged, but I figure this will give us a chance to clear the air between us if nothing else.
The ringing of my phone has me rushing out to catch it before it goes to my voicemail. "Lillian Anderson."
"Lily! What are you doing tonight?"
I roll my eyes.
"Riley, I'm going out. What do you think? It's 4th of July."
"That's right. You're coming with me and we're going to hang out, get drunk, and watch the fireworks."
I really hate to tell her no, but I have to. I need this time with Brayden to try and get myself in order. "I can't, Ry. I have plans."
"Plans? Is it a guy?"
"Maybe..."
"Wait...did Mr. Hottie from the GQ shoot ask you out?...and wait, I want our pictures!"
Nothing, I mean nothing gets past Riley.
"I did get y
our pictures, even though I have no idea why I asked him to take them."
"How did they turn out? Hot right? Gotta be totally hot!"
As the image of Brayden comes to mind in his suit pants and tie, I almost jumped back into the shower to cool out. He's not just hot; he's sweltering. I can feel the pool of desire unfurl in my belly then Riley jolts me back to reality.
"Lil. You can't keep this from us. That totally wasn't our deal."
"Yes ok! He is totally hot." Hotter than standing a foot away from a roaring bonfire.
"Compare him to Garrett because even though you know the man's gay, he definitely rates up there in sexiness."
I couldn't tell her I got both of them to do it. The pictures of Brayden were for my eyes only. I didn't even pay attention to Brendan; I only took a couple of him.
"From what I remember he was definitely up there next to Garrett." I wasn't lying. I really wasn't. If Brayden is drop dead sexy, then his twin must be too, right? However, any other guy I've seen fails to come close to Brayden. He’s at the top of every list. Best chest. Best abs. Sexiest tattoo. Most gorgeous eyes. Well, you get the picture. It goes on and on.
"Oh my God, Lil. You are so lucky you know that? So are you going out with him tonight?"
How do I broach this subject? Okay, stick to the truth as much as possible. "Actually, I'm going to hang out with his brother."
Her long pause was not lost on me given Riley’s dramatic sense of style.
"Say what?"
"You know the guys are brothers. I'm just gonna to hang out like friends."
"You're going to hang out with the brother who's engaged?" This is totally not how I planned this all out, but I have to give her a little bit or she’ll never stop asking.
"The thing is Ry, they're twins, and I knew Brayden before I moved here. We were just friends then and we're just friends now."
"Twins? Now I'm just jealous of you, Lil. Sexy twins are like winning the lottery...TWICE! I am going to tell every woman I know to buy a copy of next month's issue just to see them."
"Yeah, well, let's just keep this between you and me ok? Brayden has a fiancée, and I don't want her to go all cavewoman and jealous on me. I'm just his friend."
"What's the brother's name?"
"Brendan."
"I won't tell, but come on...hottie twins with sexy names like that." I can just imagine Riley fanning herself with her hand. She needs to get a grip, and I need to get a move on.
"So, about hanging out. I'll have to take a rain check. I don't have much time to get ready and meet him."
"Fine, but I want those pictures first thing tomorrow morning or I'm coming over to get them."
"Now you just sound like my boss."
We hang up and see I only have an half an hour to get dressed and get down to Rockefeller Center. I slip into a knee-length black dress that is utterly plain. It's nice enough for a restaurant, but plain enough to remind him this is not a romantic type of date. No, it's not a date at all. We're just friends hanging out. I need to act cool about this. I braid my hair, grab my purse, camera bag, and head out of the door.
I start the ten block walk down 6th Avenue to meet with Brayden. I'm slightly nervous and just a tad excited when the familiar sight of the center up ahead comes into view. When the Prometheus statue is within eyeshot, I search for Brayden. I lose a bit of my excitement thinking he stood me up. I dig out my phone and look at the time. I'm half an hour late. No wonder he's not here. He thinks I stood him up.
Instead of trucking the ten blocks back home, I take a seat on the stone that encases the flowers around one of the small pools of water leading up to the Prometheus statue. Grabbing my camera, I start looking for my next image. It's sitting there watching locals walk by and taking pictures that I start to consider what Father Collins told me before I left Tampa. God has a reason for every choice we make...even if we ourselves can't understand why we make them.
Sometimes I don't understand why I left home to come here. I could say it was ultimately because of the betrayal I felt, but deep down I want to believe I did this because I wanted see Brayden again. I wanted to know the reasons behind some of the things he said and finally put a name to the feelings I was having.
I certainly don't know why he lied and didn't tell me about Addison and he was a twin, which leads me to believe he's lied about other things too. The more I try to process everything, the more I feel that whatever this thing is or was with Brayden is probably better left in the past.
Chapter 7
Brayden
Once I got back to the office, I couldn't pull my thoughts from Lillian. It's like not a day passed with our joking banter. I just wish our situation was different.
I couldn't focus on my work or anything else for that matter. I had to get out of there, so I had Candice hold all business until Monday. This way I could get my mind right and figure out what the hell I was going to do.
As I was getting out of my office chair, my cell rang. Secretly, I wanted it to be Lillian, but I knew that was too good to be true. Nope. It was Addison.
"Hey you," I answer as I sit back in my chair.
"Hey babe. Miss me?"
"Sure. Where's modeling taking you away to now?" Please say anywhere far far away.
"I have a few stops through Italy this time, so I probably won't be back for at least a week." Thank God. "I was hoping when we get back we could look over some things for the wedding."
I knew once I made the decision to marry Addy she wanted to be very involved with the plans for the wedding. I could go for something a lot less public, but Addison always did want some big extravagant production.
"That sounds great, Addy." I don't want to lie anymore not to Addy and not to Lillian.
On the day Lillian was supposed to get married, I got trashed. I stayed in my office just looking at Lillian's picture thinking about all the memories we shared. About midnight, Addy came in and saw how messed up I was. I knew I spouted off things about Lillian, but I told her she was just a friend and she had nothing to worry about. At least I think that’s how it all came out. Addy never did tell me otherwise.
I thought she was going to bolt out of the office and never look back. I mean, her boyfriend of almost three years was basically pining for another woman. What would any sensible woman do? Get upset, yell and scream then leave in a cloud of smoke.
What Addy said next made me look at her in a whole different light. She said she was glad I had a friend that meant so much to me. If I was that hung up on this friend then I should go find her and fight for her. Addy was willing to let me go so I could be happy. It was one of the most unselfish things I've ever seen her do.
"Addy, I'm going to be honest with you. I saw Lillian today."
No response. Just when I think she hung up, she speaks, "That Lillian?"
"Yeah, babe. She's a photographer for GQ now, and she did the photo shoot Brendan and I were in today."
"How is her and her husband doing?" Probing. So Addison.
I let out a breath and know I need to tell her without holding back. I don't want her to worry even though I'm sure she will.
"She didn't get married." When I hear her sigh, I steel myself to get the third degree about why I need to stay away from Lillian because I'm engaged now.
"Did she call off her wedding because she has feelings for you?"
"Honestly, I have no idea, babe." Trying my best to soothe her. "We didn't really get a lot of time to talk. She was very professional about getting the pictures she needed for the magazine." There's definite truth to that...maybe not 100% truth, but I don't think revealing to Addy about the secondary objective would be beneficial to her now.
She’s quiet for a minute, then asks, "So, do you want to call off our wedding?"
"No. I would like it if you were okay with me seeing her for dinner as a friend. You know I would never do anything to jeopardize our plans. I made a promise and I have every intention of keeping it."
"Brayd
en, be honest with me okay. You know I'm not jealous, and I respect the fact she's your friend." I hear a small sniffle over the phone before the sound of a deep breath follows. "Do I have to be worried here? I mean last time we discussed this you were drowning yourself in a bottle. It nearly killed me to see you like that, and as much as I love you, I don't want you to marry me because I'm second best."
"Addy, I asked for your hand in marriage because I love you. However, I'm not going to lie and say I don't feel something for Lillian."
Another long drawn out sigh emanated through the phone. "Do you love her?"
"I really don't know how I feel, which is what I'm trying to figure out. When I stand at that altar, I want to be absolutely sure that's what we both want. I don't want to be your second best either." I can hear her quiet sobs, and it kills me to say these things to her. However, she deserves honesty no matter what. "Please don't cry, babe."
When she gets herself composed, she says something I never thought I would hear her say. "Thank you for your honesty, Bray. I respect that more than you know. However, this is what I would like if you agree."
"What's that?"
"I want you to take the next couple months and really figure out what you want. I’ll do the same. We'll put wedding on hold for now until we can agree to move forward or not."
"Are you sure that's what you want, Addy?
"I don't know, but I do know I want the man I marry to only have eyes for me. If you don't, then it would be better to know before the wedding, don't you think?"
"I understand, and yes, I agree." I would never have imagined Addison was so understanding and sensitive to my feelings when I met her at the bar late one night drinking her sorrows away.
"Can you promise me one thing?"
Doubting Our Hearts Page 7