If I Can't Have You

by Patti Berg

“Yes. I won’t lie about that. I want you, Adriana. But you’re not the least bit ready, and I’m not in any rush.”

  She sighed and closed her eyes, and he rested his cheek against hers.

  “Don’t worry,” he whispered. “Just like dancing, we’ll take everything one step at a time.”

  He held her close, losing himself in the music, the softness of her body, his thoughts about his past, about the future, and where Adriana fit into his life.

  They were so much alike, both afraid to commit to a relationship. Just like him, she’d never been in love. Could he change all that? God, he hoped so.

  But how could she possibly fall in love with a self-centered man whose parents had disowned him, a man who’d never been taught the first thing about loving, a man who’d found liquor to be the best companion and something that would never turn him away or leave him lonely?

  He gathered her closer, and she tilted her head and smiled with trusting eyes before resting her cheek once more against his.

  He could change his ways. He could try, at least. He’d do just about anything for this soft, love starved woman who’d crawled into his heart and made it swell to the point he thought his chest might burst.

  He swept his hands over the curve of her spine, swirled with her around the room, and hoped she’d bear with him while he tried to mend his ways.

  Softly, he kissed her temple, and when the beat turned Latin and the rhythm of the dance suddenly changed, he led her back to the table, her hand gripped tightly in his.

  “Why didn’t you ever marry?” she asked, taking him completely by surprise as he poured champagne into his glass and hers. “Weren’t you ever in love?”

  “I was always in love.” He ignored the look of shock on her face. She’d asked the question, and he intended to answer.

  “There were too many women around to fall in love with only one. Some liked to dance, some liked to swim, some liked to go to bullfights in Mexico. I was in love with whoever matched my mood at the moment, and no one ever seemed to care that when my disposition changed I’d move on to someone else.”

  “I don’t believe any of it. I don’t understand why no one ever fell in love with you.”

  If she’d been around in the thirties, she would have known why no one had fallen in love with him. He intended to tell her, and then he planned to show her that he was different now, that she was the turning point in his life.

  “I went to Hollywood to become a star, and I didn’t let anything interfere with that goal. At times I worked seven days a week, maybe eighteen hours a day. I didn’t want a wife sitting at home waiting for me when I might never show up. I didn’t want children that I’d probably ignore. Most of the actors and actresses I knew felt the same way.”

  “A lot of them married.”

  “And got divorced, too. That’s not my style. Getting married means you stay married, for better or worse. If I’d gotten married, I’m afraid the ‘worse’ part of the vow would have been at the forefront, and that’s not fair to anybody.”

  “What about now? You have a whole new life ahead of you.”

  “Do I?” he asked, suddenly realizing that as much as he wanted Adriana, he could be ripped away from her without warning. He could be lonely again.

  “Of course you do. You’re the best actor who ever lived—”

  “Don’t stretch the truth. I was a good actor, not the best.”

  “In my eyes no one ever compared with you. A talent like yours is something you never lose. You could start again. Get an agent, some acting jobs.”

  He didn’t want to start over again. He’d been a star. He’d spent eighteen years climbing from errand boy to Oscar winner.

  He took a sip of champagne, wishing he’d substituted the sweet, bubbly stuff with bourbon or scotch, anything to drown out the thought of being a nobody once more.

  She reached across the table and placed a warm hand on his. “You told me to believe in you. I do, Trevor, but you have to believe in yourself. You can have everything if you want it.”

  “I do want everything. I want the best parts of my old life and the best parts of this new one, but what if there’s no future for me? I’ve been ripped out of one decade and forced into another. It could happen again at any time. Hell, Adriana, I don’t even know if I’ll have another tomorrow with you.”

  He poured more champagne, drinking it down just as fast as he could pour it out, then called to the waiter and ordered another bottle. Adriana frowned, and he realized immediately that changing his life wasn’t as easy as making a wish and having it all come true.

  “Adriana, darlin’!”

  A petite, flame-haired beauty swept up behind Adriana and wrapped her in feathered arms.

  “What a surprise,” the woman gushed. “Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to run into you here.”

  Adriana’s eyes brightened when she hugged the woman. The lady was wrapped tightly in glimmering yellow cloth that stretched over vivacious curves, and with the amount of feathers covering her arms and bosom Trevor thought for sure she could take off and fly. She looked a lot like Big Bird, the strange-looking creature he’d seen when he’d spent two hours playing with that contraption that controlled Adriana’s television set.

  Behind the woman stood the somber gentleman Trevor remembered too well: Stewart Rosenblum.

  “Good evening.” Trevor pushed up from the table and extended his hand to Stewart.

  The woman was fascinating and gay; Stewart was dour, his gaze analyzing Trevor’s attire, Adriana’s, and the bottle of champagne on the table. Charming gentleman, Trevor thought sarcastically.

  “You haven’t met my wife,” Stewart said, giving Trevor a quick, polite handshake. “Trevor Montgomery, may I introduce you to Maggie Rosenblum.”

  “Oh, my,” Maggie chortled, gazing from Trevor to Adriana, then back again. “You’ve landed yourself an absolutely heavenly creature, Adriana.”

  Adriana rolled her eyes, and Maggie winked at Trevor, continuing her rapid chatter. “He’s gorgeous, and I do mean just about the most handsome thing I’ve ever seen. Don’t you agree, Stewart?”

  “I see him in quite a different light, my dear.”

  “Oh, you would, wouldn’t you?” Maggie stood on tiptoes and pecked her husband’s cheek.

  “You don’t mind if we join you, do you, Adriana?” Maggie asked.

  “Of course not.”

  Lively companions and partying till all hours of the night had been at the heart of Trevor’s existence, but right now he didn’t want to be sharing the table or his evening with anyone other than Adriana. Even so, he pulled a chair out for Maggie and once again took his seat.

  “Do you come here often?” Trevor asked, directing his words to Stewart.

  “Not to this particular place,” Stewart answered.

  “Oh, Stewart, must you be so precise?” Maggie chastised her husband, but her bright, loving smile never dimmed. “We go dancing once a month,” Maggie stated. “I just love ballroom dancing, and Stewart is absolutely divine on the dance floor. I imagine you’re divine on the dance floor also, Mr. Montgomery. You have that look about you.”

  “You’ll have to excuse my friend,” Adriana interrupted. “She has a nasty habit of saying exactly what’s on her mind.”

  “It drives Adriana absolutely mad,” Maggie continued, not the least put off by Adriana’s words. “But she’s a dear, and we’re the best of friends. Have you known each other long, Mr. Montgomery?”

  “It’s Trevor. And it’s been just a few days. We’re still learning each other’s secrets.”

  ‘That’s lovely. Stewart and I learn something new at least once a week. Keeps things exciting, doesn’t it, sweetie?”

  Stewart grinned, shaking his head as he leaned over and kissed his wife. Their attraction amazed Trevor. Stewart appeared to be the type of man who’d show disdain toward a woman like Maggie, but he seemed utterly and completely enthralled. Maybe the man had a few redeeming qualities afte
r all.

  Catching the waiter’s attention, Trevor asked that more glasses be delivered to his table. “You will join us for a drink or two?” he asked.

  “Oh, I’d love to,” Maggie gushed, then looked at her husband, her crimson fingernails trailing down his arm. “You don’t mind, do you, sweetie? Just one, maybe two little ones?”

  “I’m the one with the problem, my dear. Not you.”

  “Thank you.” She kissed Stewart’s mouth, leaving a trace of red lipstick behind. “Stewart’s a recovered alcoholic,” she whispered to Trevor. “He hasn’t had a drink in eight years. Isn’t that right, sweetie?”

  Stewart smiled indulgently. “Eight years, three months, and ...” Stewart shrugged. “I’m sure Mr. Montgomery doesn’t want to hear this story, and Adriana knows it by heart.”

  Trevor poured champagne into Maggie’s glass when it was placed in front of her. Adriana’s was still full—she hadn’t touched a drop. He refilled his own, then leaned back and sipped the bubbly liquid, once again ignoring Adriana’s frown. He planned to change his ways, but he’d take it one step at a time. He’d deal with the self-absorbed part of his character first, then he’d concentrate on the drinking.

  Suddenly, a hand clamped down on his shoulder and he jerked his head up, staring into the face of a middle-aged stranger. “Hello, Mr. Dorn,” the man said, a scowl marring his face.

  Trevor caught Stewart’s dubious stare out of the corner of his eye. The last thing Trevor needed was to be mistaken for someone else.

  “Mr. Dorn?” Trevor questioned. “I’m sorry. You must have me confused with someone else.”

  The stranger laughed. “Trying to pull fast one again?”

  “I honestly don’t know what you’re talking about,” Trevor said.

  “You look exactly like someone my mother used to know, but...” The man shook his head and shrugged. “Maybe I’m wrong. Sorry to disturb you.”

  Adriana studied Trevor with frowning eyes as the stranger walked away, but Maggie lightened the moment by turning the attention to herself.

  “Isn’t that the funniest thing? I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve been mistaken for someone else. They say we all have a twin roaming around somewhere. I do think it would be terribly interesting to meet mine.”

  “There couldn’t possibly be two women just like you,” Stewart said. “I believe I was lucky enough to find the one and only.”

  “Oh, you’re such a sweetie.”

  Maggie sipped her champagne and watched the dancers, her index finger bouncing through the air in time with the music.

  “You know, Trevor,” Maggie continued, “I’ve tried to coerce Adriana into going out on the town at least half a million times, but she constantly turns me down. It’s delightful to see that someone’s finally charmed her into loosening up.”

  “He hasn’t charmed me, Maggie.”

  “But he has, darlin’. Why, you’re absolutely dazzling tonight. I see those little sparkles in your eyes light up every time you look at this gorgeous creature you’re with.”

  Maggie leaned toward Trevor. “She doesn’t care much for men, you know. Doesn’t care much for drinking, or dancing, or anything of that sort, either.”

  “Maggie, dear.” Stewart put a hand on his wife’s, but she brushed him off with just a glance.

  “She’s much too uptight. Dressing like Greta Garbo and acting out the life of a recluse has gotten completely out of hand. Isn’t that right, darlin’?”

  Adriana’s cheeks pinkened. “I rather like being a recluse.”

  “No you don’t. It started out as a way to hide from those nasty photographers, and then you figured out how to make it help in your work. Just like Stewart. Work, work, work!”

  “If it wasn’t for all that work, work, work,” Stewart said, “you wouldn’t be wearing those feathers, you wouldn’t be dancing here, and you wouldn’t have two homes and three sports cars.”

  Maggie appeared contrite for a moment, but the humbled look melted away in an instant. “I compensate for all the hours he’s away from home by doing extra special things when he’s around. It’s the way of the world, I imagine. For better, for worse. That was the vow—I just learned how to turn the ‘worse’ part into something nice.”

  Maggie wove her fingers through her husband’s. “I feel such a need to dance, sweetie. Indulge me?”

  Stewart laughed and let his wife tug him from the table.

  “How about you?” Trevor said to the beautiful lady sitting across from him. “Care to indulge me a bit?”

  Adriana hesitated, then smiled slowly.

  Trevor slipped his hand around her waist as they walked out to the floor, and as if she’d done it a thousand times before, she moved into his arms and let him lead her to the music.

  “Maggie’s a jewel,” Trevor said, as he waltzed Adriana through the crowd.

  “She has a heart of gold. Of course, she rarely thinks before she speaks, but I suppose that’s one of the things I love about her.”

  “I take it you’ve been friends a long time.”

  “Since she met Stewart. Thirteen years ago—right about the time my father died.”

  “She must be half his age.”

  ‘Twenty-four years younger, but does age really matter?”

  “To some people, but not to me.”

  “She was accused of being a gold digger, out for Stewart’s money. It wasn’t true, though. They love each other.”

  “It’s amazing what prying busybodies will say without knowing the truth. You know, things like how a man’s seduced a thousand women.”

  “It isn’t the truth?”

  Shaking his head, he smiled into her questioning eyes. “I’d be dead, Adriana. Suffice it to say, there have been more than a few, far fewer than a thousand, and”—he lightly caressed her cheek—“I only plan to seduce one more.”

  The fear popped into her eyes again, but it flickered away into something close to desire. Lord, when Adriana decided it was time, he was going to be much more than ready.

  The song was too short, and Trevor would have kept on holding Adriana tight, but Stewart tapped him on the shoulder.

  “Mind if we switch partners for a moment?”

  “Yes, please,” Maggie pleaded. “I told Stewart I just had to dance with you.”

  How could he possibly turn Maggie down?

  One moment Adriana was warm and innocent and perfect in his arms, the next a dynamo was clutching his hand and leading him into the crowd.

  “Stewart tells me he’s not too certain you’re a proper acquaintance for my Adriana. Is it true?”

  “You don’t pull any punches, do you, Maggie?”

  “Not where Adriana’s concerned. My husband’s a very cautious man who checks out anything and everything. In spite of all my efforts, I’m afraid he’s going to be putting you and your life under a very intense microscope.”

  “That doesn’t surprise me.”

  “He does have an air about him, doesn’t he. Grand Inquisitor and executioner rolled into one,” Maggie quipped. “Underneath the exterior, though, is a man who cares deeply about certain people. Adriana’s one of them.”

  “I can understand the feeling.”

  She studied his eyes and smiled slowly. “I like you, Trevor. I’m a good judge of character, and you seem rather nice. I must tell you though, you’re a little worldly-wise for my Adriana. She’s not used to men like you. Actually, she’s not used to men at all.”

  “I get the feeling she’s been shut away from the world most of her life.”

  “More like she’s found more comfort in a make-believe world than the real one. Go easy, Mr. Montgomery. You’re not a dream, and she’s been hurt more than enough by the real thing.”

  Chapter 13

  “Just one more dance?” Trevor urged, looking down at Adriana with those smoldering brown eyes that had burned into hers most of the night.

  “It’s late. We really should go,” Adriana protested
, as she scanned the ballroom and noticed that most of the tables had emptied.

  “It’s not quite two,” Trevor said. “For me, that’s early.”

  “If s a long drive home. I have to work tomorrow.”

  Trevor shook his head and pulled Adriana up and into his arms. “One more dance. That’s all.”

  How could she possibly turn him down, especially when it felt wonderful being held so close?

  They moved together slowly and rhythmically, a warm hand against the bare skin of her back, the other holding her fingers so snug against his chest that she could feel the steady beat of his heart.

  “The music sounds familiar to me,” he whispered. “I’ve been in this hotel dozens of times before, still, everything’s changed. Sixty years ago I could dance like this every night of the week, not just on weekends or special occasions.”

  Adriana felt his hand pressing her closer, holding her as if he was afraid she’d disappear the same way his old life had.

  “I don’t know if I can get used to all the changes,” he said. “I miss the elegance of the thirties.”

  “But it’s not gone completely. You were able to recapture some of it tonight.”

  “It’s not the same. I didn’t know a soul, except you. I wonder if my old friends found the change as difficult.”

  “They probably didn’t notice. Things changed gradually, not overnight, like they did for you.”

  “I doubt my old friends would even recognize me if I paid them a visit. Who knows, they might not even remember me.”

  “I’m sure they would. But...” Adriana hesitated, knowing her next words were ones he wouldn’t want to hear. “There aren’t many left to visit.”

  Trevor stopped in the middle of the dance floor. She could see the hurt in his eyes as he understood the full impact of what she’d said. He sighed, resting his forehead against hers.

  “Is Tyrone Power still alive?” he asked, his words little more than a whisper.

  He could feel the shake of her head. He didn’t have to hear her words to know his old friend was gone.

  “What about Janet Julian?”

  He looked at her this time, but instead of seeing Adriana, he saw Janet’s pretty blue eyes, her innocence, her sweetness.