“Makes no difference. You gave your word to keep the terms of your parole until the ninth of June. I’m going to insist that you’re held until the very last day. Plus I’m going to have a lot of help in bringing you around. Do you know you’re going to be very popular in Westernfort?”
“I’m...you’re joking.”
“No. At least you won’t lack people to talk to.” As Natasha continued to look skeptical, Lynn went on, “There are a lot of elderly heretics in Westernfort. Some of Gina’s first recruits. They’re passionately devoted to her teachings. You’re the first potential convert they’ve been able to get their hands on for decades. I warn you, you’re in for hours of theological discourse. They’re probably brushing up their arguments even as we speak, and sorting out a suitable little award ceremony for the woman who succeeds in converting you.”
“Oh.” Natasha bit her lip, but a half smile formed at the corners. “I must admit, I was a bit worried about tonight. I’ve been told I can keep the room I shared with Rohanna and Cal. I was looking forward to getting the proper bed, but I was worried I’d be ostracized in the common room.”
“You might end up wishing you were.”
Natasha’s face shifted through a succession of emotions and ended up as a grimace of pain. “Some people still won’t want to have anything to do with me.”
“Dani,” Lynn suggested quietly.
Natasha nodded. “It’s all I deserve. And I guess it looks like I’ve done Shelly a favor.” She tried to smile bravely, but it did nothing to hide her grief.
Lynn looked at Natasha in sympathy before offering a hand to pull her up. “Come on; we’ve got work to do, and there’s nothing like mucking out pigs to help heal a broken heart.”
*
Natasha was a little surprised to find that the heretics celebrated the festival of Landfall on March 23 as conventionally as anywhere in the Homelands. In fact, in this rural community, the traditional rites of spring made more sense than in the paved streets of Landfall. The plow carried through Westernfort was the genuine article, not a gilded imitation, decorated with spring flowers. As stockman for Lynn’s experimental animals, Natasha played her part in the tallying of livestock, and she joined the procession to hear the calling out of the fields—a ritual designed to ensure that no herder could claim ignorance of which fields had been put aside to graze animals and which would be growing crops. The only thing Natasha missed was the Chief Consultant standing on the balcony over the Guards’ parade ground and reading from The Book of the ElderOnes. The traditional text for the day was the account of Himoti’s first footfall on the world Celaeno had chosen for her daughters.
As evening fell, a bonfire was lit in the main square. A band began to play, and couples danced around the flames. Natasha watched them enviously. Guards were not supposed to indulge in such impious pastimes on a holy day. Or at any other time. Natasha could no longer use the need to maintain her disguise as an excuse to join in, but it was not only religious principles that kept her away from the revelry.
Natasha had discovered that Lynn was absolutely correct about the missionary zeal of the elderly heretics. Over the days, she had come to recognize the eager glint in their eyes as they homed in on her. Sometimes, she was able to elude them; sometimes not. Her current situation was a good example. Three old women had quite literally blockaded her into a doorway. The ambush had been a well-executed maneuver. One second, Natasha had been leaning against a wall; the next, she was hemmed in and being bombarded with explanations of the origin of the festival.
In what was probably an unintentional parody of the Chief Consultant, one of them was quoting the account of the first landfall from Peter McKay’s diary—the book Gina claimed to have found hidden in the temple library; the source of her heretical doctrine. It made no sense to Natasha. She had no idea what an SA chamber was, or a retrojet, and she could not stop herself from flinching at the phrase Celaeno’s rear loading bay.
Natasha did not want to elbow her way out. The three ancient women were too frail to risk knocking over, but they were taking no notice of her hints that she wished to leave. She looked past them to the boisterous group around the bonfire. The music and dancing were getting more lively. Natasha decided that as soon as she could escape, she would join in. After all, no one was going to report her to an officer. Then she saw Shelly and Dani dancing together in the center of the gathering and changed her mind.
“Excuse me for disturbing you.” A fresh voice broke in. Tanya Coppelli had appeared behind the siege wall of old women. She met Natasha’s eye. “Lynn wants a quick word with you. Are you free at the moment?”
“Yes. If…um...” Natasha looked expectantly at the heretic who had been talking. The crone broke off in midflow. She glared at Tanya in vexation but then tutted and shuffled aside.
As soon as she was out of the doorway and walking around the edge of the square, Natasha’s face and shoulders sagged in an expression of relief.
Tanya laughed. “They were giving you an ear bashing?”
“And some more. I was tempted to agree with them just so they’d let me go.” Natasha sighed and raked her fingers through her hair. “Where is Lynn?”
“I’ll show you.”
“Did she say what it was about?”
“No.”
They walked a short way in silence. Then Tanya said, “I understand we’re related.”
“So Lynn tells me.” Natasha turned her head to study her companion. Tanya’s sixteenth birthday had been two days before, and now she wore the uniform of the Westernfort Rangers. Tanya combined Katryn’s cool good looks with Chip’s easy smile. In the contact they’d had, Natasha had found her outgoing and cheerful. She had a mischievous sense of humor, which Lynn claimed she had inherited from Chip. Apparently, in her youth, the firm Ranger captain had not been quite so mindful of the rules. As blood relatives, Natasha could not help thinking that both Tanya and Chip were vast improvements on her mother.
“Are the Tangs as rich and nasty as Mom says?” Tanya asked.
“They’re rich, but I can’t comment on them as people.” At Tanya’s confused expression, Natasha went on to explain the circumstances of her birth and childhood.
“So why did you join the Guards?” Tanya clearly thought it had been a big mistake on Natasha’s part, but her tone was one of sympathy rather than criticism.
To prove I was better than my mother. Natasha bit back the words. “Um...it’s hard to say.”
Fortunately, Tanya changed the subject. “What’s Landfall like?”
“Big and noisy.”
They chatted easily. Tanya was curious about the city she had never seen. Natasha was halfway through a description of the marketplace when they reached the spot where Lynn was standing with Kim. Tanya left and trotted back to the bonfire.
“You wanted to see me?” Natasha asked
Lynn grinned. “I thought you needed rescuing. I could see you weren’t going to get out alive, so I sent Tanya to liberate you.”
“I...oh...thanks,” Natasha mumbled. Over Lynn’s head, she could see Kim’s shoulders shaking with laughter.
“Now go off and enjoy yourself. And don’t get caught again.”
“I’ll try my best.”
Natasha smiled and looked around. Tanya had not gone far and was talking to a group of other young Rangers. Natasha considered going over to finish the conversation; Tanya had seemed genuinely interested in the stories of city life. But then Natasha saw that Shelly was also a member of the group, with Dani hanging on her arm. Natasha turned around sharply and headed off in the opposite direction.
The tavern seemed a safe destination. Anyone robust enough to brave the buffeting around the bar was fair game to be elbowed aside. Natasha bought herself a drink and joined a group of shepherds in a quiet corner. She could not quite match their enthusiasm for wool yields and pasture capacities, but at least they were not discussing rear loading bays.
The conversation had moved on to t
he more interesting topic of sheepdog training when the door opened and Shelly and Dani came in with a couple of others. Their eyes seemed to pass straight through the spot where Natasha was standing without seeing her. Was it coincidence that after getting their drinks, they ended up standing less than two meters away?
Natasha told herself that she was being overly sensitive. It was merely the largest free area of floor space. But whatever the reason, the strain was more than she could bear. She drained her drink quickly and left.
By now, true night had fallen, and the bonfire was burning higher than ever. Natasha strolled around the edge of the square, watching the dancing. At the corner of a street leading away, she came across Ash, sitting alone on a low wall in a patch of deep shadow.
“Do you mind if I join you?” Natasha asked.
“Of course not.”
Natasha hesitated. Even if Ash had wanted solitude, she would not be so blunt as to answer yes, but her smile of welcome was genuine. Ash patted the wall. Natasha hopped up and accepted a swig from the flagon pressed into her hands.
“Are you enjoying yourself?” Ash asked.
“In parts.”
Ash did not ask her to specify which parts, and they sat quietly, grinning at the antics of a group of less-sober revelers.
“I hear Lynn thinks you can be talked into joining us here,” Ash said after a while.
“Yes.”
“Do you think you could be talked into it?”
“I doubt it,” Natasha said slowly. “And to tell the truth, I’m surprised people would be prepared to let me stay.”
“Most folks see you as an innocent young thing who’s been led astray by the wicked Chief Consultant.”
“Do you see me like that?”
“Not entirely.”
“Would you be pleased if I agreed to stay?”
“Of course I would.” Ash spoke with unexpected passion. “But I’m terrified that you’re going to be stupid and insist on Kim stretching your neck.”
“But that’s...” Natasha was taken aback by the vehemence.
“You’ve been betrayed, but you don’t know it,” Ash said forcefully. “You joined the Guards looking for honor and glory. It’s what they promised you. Then they tried to turn you into a liar and a murderer, and they’ve made you think you’re a failure for following your conscience. You’re feeling cheated out of your self-respect, and you want it back. I can see you refusing to join us just so people can’t say you abandoned your faith or you were frightened of dying.”
“I...” To Natasha’s surprise, tears blurred her vision. She could not think of a single thing about herself she felt proud of, and she had not realized that it hurt so much until Ash had spoken.
Ash patted her shoulder. “Take my advice. You’re on parole until mid-June. Take every day to think it over. Work out for yourself what you ought to be doing with your life.”
“I don’t think two and a half months will be long enough. I’m doubting everything I was ever certain about. I don’t know where to start.” Natasha hung her head.
“Start with the uncertainties that hurt the most. What are the doubts you can’t bear?”
Natasha thumped her chest. “I can feel the Goddess in my heart. I know she’s there, and I can’t bear to lose her.”
“That’s handy. If she’s in your heart, you don’t have to go back to Landfall to talk to her.” Natasha glanced over sharply, thinking that Ash was joking, but the elderly Ranger’s expression was sincere. “This Goddess in your heart. Did she want you to kill Lynn?”
Natasha frowned as she thought about the question. “No, but—”
“So why don’t you listen to her?”
“Because she’s only—”
“She’s only the Goddess you can’t bear to lose?” Ash suggested. “Your mistake is to think she’s the same Goddess as the Chief Consultant’s, but obviously, she isn’t. You can drop one without dropping the other. Make sure you do it the right way around. Don’t abandon the Goddess in your heart and die for the one in the Chief Consultant’s books.”
Natasha’s frown turned slowly into an amused smile. “I know three little old ladies you could give lessons to on how to persuade Guards to reconsider their beliefs.”
“I’ve talked you into staying?”
“You’re getting there.”
Natasha lifted her gaze to the sky. Neither moon had risen, and the stars were brilliant points of light. For the first time, she considered the idea that she might stay—not because she had no other options or because her life was worth so little that it did not matter what she did, but as a positive choice.
Her eyes dropped to the buildings on the other side of the road. Diagonally opposite was the entrance to a narrow alleyway. Two figures stood there, kissing passionately. Despite the darkness, Natasha had no trouble recognizing them. It was getting beyond a joke. Anyone would think that Shelly and Dani were deliberately following her around.
Natasha buried her head in hands. “I can’t stay here.”
Ash glanced to the other side of the road and then back to Natasha. “You could always think about going to Ginasberg.” She pulled Natasha down from the wall and began walking with her.
“I don’t know anyone there,” Natasha said. Although, on second thought, she wondered whether a fresh start might be a good thing.
“You’d know me.”
“You’re going to Ginasberg?”
“Yes. That’s what I was thinking about when you joined me.” Ash looked rueful. “They want me to take charge of the Rangers there.”
“I’d say it was about time you were promoted.” Natasha had often thought it strange that someone of Ash’s experience should still be a mere sergeant.
“So they tell me, but I’ve been turning it down for the last twenty-five years.”
“You’ve turned down promotion?”
Ash did not reply immediately. “Over the years, I’ve led some women to their deaths—not many, but a few. What I’ve never been able to face is the idea of sitting safe behind a desk and sending women out to die. The journey here made me realize I’m getting old. The worst thing of all would be for women to die because I’m too stubborn to know when to quit. I’ve got the choice of taking promotion or leaving the Rangers altogether. So I guess the desk has finally caught up with me.”
“I shouldn’t think you’ll be physically tied to it,” Natasha teased.
Ash managed a grin. “At the time the 23rd deserted, I was coming toward the end of my regulation service time. Even if I’d re-enlisted, all I’d have gotten was an indoor job at Fort Krowe. I wasn’t too happy at first about joining the heretics, but it’s worked out well. I’ve always worshipped the Goddess in my way. But my way is out in the wide open world she’s chosen for us, with her trees, mountains, and animals. At Westernfort, nobody was going to take me away from the wildlands until I was ready.”
“Do you still believe in the Goddess?” Natasha could not help asking.
“Yes...in my heart.” Ash smiled. “I’d have willingly followed Kim to far worse places than here, but as I said, I wasn’t happy about it. It took me a couple of years to realize what I just told you. The Goddess in my heart wasn’t the same as the one the Sisters talk about. Maybe when I die, I’ll be up before Celaeno and she won’t be pleased with everything I’ve done. I won’t know until then. But I’m absolutely certain that the Sisters won’t get her approval, either. Their books and temples are monuments to themselves, not the Goddess.” She met Natasha’s eyes. “Don’t let them fool you.”
Chapter Nineteen—A Broken Pot
The rain fell in sheets, as it had all day; an April downpour. Natasha stood at the door of the barn and considered the road leading into town. Puddles of water filled the ruts left by carts. The rest of the surface was mud. With a pained grimace, she raised her eyes to the dark clouds and took a deep breath. All her tasks with the animals were complete for the moment. Now would be a good time to do what she had t
o in Westernfort, but it was not merely the thought of getting wet that made her unwilling to leave the shelter of the barn.
Impatient with herself, Natasha snatched an oiled cape from a hook by the door, pulled it around her shoulders, and stepped out into the open. Her feet squelched and skidded in the mud. Walking quickly was impossible. By the time she reached the first of the houses, the rain had soaked through the cape, her shoulders were damp, and drips were running down her neck. Natasha cursed her own cowardice for not getting the ordeal over and done with immediately after breakfast. She could have saved herself the walk into town and back. Delaying had gained her nothing.
One of the common-room rules was that anyone who broke an item of collective property had to replace it. The rule was fair enough, and Natasha could not deny that the smashed pot was her fault, the result of not paying enough attention to what she was doing. She had to obtain a new pot before people began cooking the evening meal, and there was only one place in Westernfort where she could buy one.
As she crossed the square, two young girls ran toward her, squealing when a harder belt of rain pelted them. Natasha was tempted to offer the children a few extra coins if they would go into the shop and buy the pot for her, yet she let them race by. She could not describe her requirements accurately enough to be sure that they would get what she wanted. And I couldn’t let the story get out that I was frightened, Natasha thought bitterly. A sound halfway between a groan and a sigh escaped her lips. Even though it would be true.
Natasha stopped in the shelter of an overhanging roof and looked down the street to the door of Dani’s shop, rattling the coins in her purse. It was ridiculous. She would rather have walked into a snow lions’ lair with a sign around her neck saying Please eat me and volunteered to give the lions a reading lesson. Natasha clenched her teeth and walked the last few meters.
“I’ll be there in a minute,” Dani called from the back room at the sound of the street door closing.
Natasha felt her stomach tighten into a sick knot. She looked around desperately, trying to examine the terra-cotta shapes filling the shelves. If she could find a suitable pot quickly, she could speed her departure, but she was unable to concentrate enough to make sense of what was before her eyes.
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