by Lissa Kasey
“How far forward?” I hadnt drunk enough to muddle my brain.
“When youre legal, maybe.”
Reaching across the seat, I tried to unbutton his pants. “At least let me taste you.”
He caught my hand and held it in his. “Something else to look forward to.”
Damn, I wanted him bad. He just smiled and drew circles on the back of my hand with his thumb. Each touch jolted straight to my cock. If he kept it up Id come in my pants.
The distant voice interrupted the memory again. “When did you realize you were in love with him?”
“When I almost died.” The flash of pain from Brocks attack made me struggle for breath. His chanting still sounding real in my head until the pain was too much, and I ripped myself out of the memory.
The textured ceiling came into focus, and I sucked in heavy lungfuls of air. My heart raced. The shake began again, this time violent enough to make my teeth chatter. Was I ever going to get better?
“Count with me, Seiran,” Dr. Tynsen instructed. We counted backward from one hundred, slowing my breathing and heartbeat to normal. She smiled at me from her chair close to the couch. Still in my bubble. “I think youve made good progress today. Do you want to come in early again tomorrow?”
I glanced at the clock ticking on the far wall. It was after one in the afternoon. Holy crap. “Ive taken up most of your day. I should go.”
“Thats what Im here for, Seiran. Lets keep our regular appointment tomorrow. Finish your list, and well discuss it then.” She got up from the chair and opened the door.
I struggled to my feet. Putting my jacket on and grabbing my bag felt foreign. The walk to the lobby took forever, like I was on sleepwalk mode, but Jamie paced the worn gray carpet, finally noticing me, stopped and crossed the room. He buttoned up my coat and adjusted my hat. I still felt so outside of myself that I just followed him to the car in silence.
After wed gotten in, and he had it pointed toward Gabes house, he started talking. “Im sorry if I was being a jerk, Seiran. Im not trying to be. I just worry so much.”
“Im okay,” I told him, staring out the window.
“Do you want to talk about what happened that took so long at the doctor today?”
Memories. Thats what took so long. But I couldnt tell him about that. What would he think if he knew how Id been used and thrown away by so many men? That Id continued the cycle out of self-destruction until Id met Gabe. And only then had I cut back on the constant stream of lovers, not even cutting them out. The sex made me feel human and inhuman all at the same time. Would he understand any of that? No. It was better if he didnt know.
Chapter Four
THE bar felt like a foreign place. I had gotten used to the eyes here, but still felt really exposed. Didnt even try to dress sexy like I used to. I think Gabes favorite boots were in the back of the closet somewhere.
I filled orders, giving everyone the fake smile and friendly banter they expected. Kelly had come in and sat at the bar. He even went so far as to try to order a beer. At least it made me laugh.
“Ill buy you a beer when you turn twenty-one,” I told him, giving him a fresh plate of the chicken and bean tacos he loved.
“Im holding you to that. Five months.” His birthday was in March. He was a Pisces, which I suppose made sense given his love and skill with water. “Yours is coming up soon, right? I thought maybe we could go on a weekend trip. Skiing or something.”
I shook my head at him. Me and winter sports did not work well. And I didnt feel normal enough to take a weekend away. “Maybe next year.”
Jamie poured Kelly a soda. “Skiing would be fun. Im sure Gabe would love the vacation too. We could teach you, Sei.”
How could I tell them that I didnt have the heart to do any of that? Leaving them to discuss a trip that would never happen, I opened my locker, found my shrink notebook, and wrote down, “Get my soul back.” Whatever that meant. I just felt empty.
Gabe appeared behind me. He kissed my neck and ran his fingers through my hair. “How are you feeling tonight? Tired? Need a break?”
“Im okay.” But thats what I always said. “Kelly wants us to go on a ski trip.”
“You on skis? That Id love to see.”
I let him hold me a little longer before pulling away and heading back to my tables. The work could make me feel mostly normal. Schoolwork and the bar, if they kept me busy enough, were almost enough to keep me from thinking about all my social problems. By the time wed closed the bar and headed home I was tired enough to nap, leaning against Gabe in the car.
We didnt try again that night. I dont know if he just didnt want to be disappointed or knew I was tired. He helped me into a pair of soft flannel PJs and curled himself around me on the bed. If he talked, I fell asleep too fast to hear him.
I dreamt of Brock again that night. The pain from where hed cut open my arm throbbed, though the wound was little more than a pink scar now. Counting backward from one hundred helped.
Gabe barely stirred beside me, and since the clock said it was after 10 a.m., I knew why. Having gotten approval to do most of my classwork online, I spent my mornings in front of the computer, working on whatever research or paper required my attention.
Every half an hour or so Id have to get up, stretch or maybe do a little yoga before sitting back down again. It kept my back from hurting so much. The bruising had faded, but sometimes, like my arm, the ache would start up fresh again.
This morning my e-mail box had been overloaded with more hate spam. Maybe it was time to change my address. The elevator opened and closed. Jamie headed to the kitchen with several bags of groceries.
“Do you need me to make you tea? Or breakfast?” he asked.
I held up my mug which was already full of tea. “I had an eggplant sandwich for breakfast.”
“Any protein on that?”
“One egg.”
“Are you going to eat lunch before your appointment or after?”
Since sometimes talking about the past made me nauseous, “After.”
I clicked on an e-mail, and it opened with a picture erupting in the body. There were flames, raging like an inferno. Deep within those flames there were faces, pained and screaming. An execution, obviously. The bottom of the email read, “Your fate.”
“Where did you get that?” Jamie snapped, coming up from behind. I moved to close it and delete it, but he took the mouse from my hand. “You shouldnt see him like that. He wouldnt have wanted you to remember him that way.”
Had that pained face been our father? I looked away from the computer, wanting so much to crawl back into bed with Gabe and never wake up again.
“What the hell? There are hundreds of these terrible emails. Seiran, how long has this been going on?” He sounded so angry. Had I done something wrong again?
“Since I killed Brock and became earth Pillar.” I stepped away from the desk, leaving my empty cup on the counter instead of putting it away like I always did. In the bedroom, Gabe looked so peaceful. “Wake me in time for the doctors appointment, please.”
“Sei….”
But I had already put a pillow over my head and prayed for my brain to shut off the terrible image of the man burning.
Later, the drive to the doctor had been a silent one. I knew Jamie would tell Gabe about all the things hed seen in my e-mail the second he dropped me off. But it didnt much matter. I felt so numb. Maybe the drugs were starting to work. My phone rang in the car, and I glanced at the screen, an all-zero number again. I didnt even try to answer it this time.
Jamie looked my way several times, though he didnt ask about the phone. He dropped me off in front of the office building and drove away without waiting for me to get inside. The change in him hurt. I guess I wasnt so numb after all.
Dr. Tynsen and I discussed the list I had made, though it was still incomplete. Ten things to change were a lot. “Do you truly believe your mother doesnt love you?”
“Yes.”
; “Tell me about Jamie. He was very worried yesterday.”
“He wants me to be something Im not. Gets mad when I dont fit his perception.”
“Of the perfect brother.”
I nodded.
“And you were Matthews problem. You didnt excite him enough, so he had to bring others into your relationship. Is that how you see it?”
“I guess.”
“Do you think Gabe will do that too?”
I shrugged. What did I have left that I could give to him? Sure, the packaging was still fairly nice, but now the baggage was worse. We couldnt even have sex. How soon would he give up the quaking bag of jelly Id become?
“Do you think these changes would have been the same before Brock hurt you?”
“Probably. The issues were already there.”
“Did you remember who gave you the puppy?”
“No. I didnt even think about it.”
“Tonight, Id like you to think about it. Try to remember where the dog came from.” She sorted through papers on her desk. I wondered how others felt when she seemed so uninterested in them. Maybe that was me too.
“Can we try the hypnotism thing again? Try to get past the Brock thing?” If I had a chance to save what I had with Gabe, I was going to try.
“Not today. Are you free tomorrow? I can stop by your apartment, perhaps. Maybe in more familiar surroundings youll get through it easier.”
“Sure.” Id have to kick Gabe and Jamie out. I didnt really want either of them witnessing my meltdowns anymore than they already had to.
I left feeling like nothing was accomplished again. Jamie drove me home in that damning silence of his, walked me to the door, and left. Gabe was obviously already up and moving around. He didnt look at me when I came in. I made my way to the shower and let it cleanse away the day.
“Do you want to talk?” Gabe finally asked me while I prepared dinner.
“About what?” Everyone wanted me to talk lately. I was sort of talked out.
“The hate mail youve been hiding from us.” He pulled out my phone and scrolled the past few days worth of texts, most of the bad stuff Id already deleted, but not all. “People have no right to treat you this way. You dont deserve this, Seiran.”
“You dont understand.”
“No. I dont. But Im trying. I dont get why you are letting these people hurt you.” He stood close enough to touch now, but didnt try. “You wanted to live for me, right? So live.”
“My doctor is coming here tomorrow to help me with some things. I really dont want anyone to see that. I know it will be daytime….”
He sighed. “Its fine. I just wish there were an easier way to fix all this.”
“Ill never be normal.”
Gabe laughed and kissed the top of my head. “You never were normal. Thats what I fell in love with about you.” He went to the computer and began working on whatever it was that he did. After awhile he turned back. “Ive set up a new email for you, blocked the other one. And I think Ive got all the sites you normally use updated. Let me know if I missed something. Dont give out the new e-mail.”
I just nodded, that numbness returning as the afternoon wore into night. The thought of another possible bedtime failure made my stomach turn. I pushed the food aside and put everything away. Gabe talked on his cell to the phone company about changing my number and making things private. The door buzzed, meaning someone upstairs wanted to get in. I went to the call box. “Hello?”
“UPS delivery.”
“Have them leave it at the office upstairs. I will get it later,” Gabe told me.
Repeating what he said into the box, the man thanked me and told me to have a good night. All the pressure of the day was wearing at me. I felt like Id let Jamie down earlier, and then my doctor because I couldnt get my mind wrapped around the questions she asked. And Gabe had to be disappointed with the lack of progress I was making. Hiding things from him seemed like a good idea at the time. I just didnt want to burden him with more of my problems. Probably not the wisest idea ever.
I scrubbed the counter while Gabe went upstairs to retrieve the package. When had the kitchen last been cleaned? It just seemed so dirty. I dug in the cupboards below the sink for more cleaning supplies. Id need something stronger than the normal spray cleaner. Maybe I could use cleaning the kitchen as a way to metaphorically clean my soul of all the gross residue that had piled up over the years.
Almost an hour later, Gabe returned empty-handed. I still wiped at the mess in the kitchen, watching him move across the room. The blank expression on his face was the one that he wore when he didnt want me to know what was going on. Id really learned to hate that look.
“What was in the package?” I asked.
“Nothing important.”
“Was it for me?”
He paused and blinked at me. “What are you doing?”
“Cleaning.” Though it looked fairly obvious to me. The kitchen just felt so dirty, and no matter how I scrubbed, the counter didnt seem to come clean. Even the steel-wool pads and heavy-duty cleaner werent helping.
Gabe rushed into the kitchen and ripped my hands away from the rags I was using to clean. “Youre bleeding. Have you been doing this since I left?”
I looked at my hands. They looked a little red but felt fine. “Im okay. Im almost done cleaning.”
He wouldnt let me go. Instead, he captured my arms by pressing them both to his side and dialing his phone with his free hand. “Jamie, I need you right now.” He hung up while I struggled to free myself from his grip.
“Stop, Seiran. Youre hurt. We have to fix this.”
“It doesnt hurt. Please let go. I have to finish cleaning.” I had to lose myself in the feeling. It was the only thing that helped. Forget some of the emotional hurt, and the kitchen was so dirty.
“The kitchen is clean. Please. Just come sit with me until Jamie gets here.”
“Jamie hates me.” The shake began again. Damn it. I didnt want another breakdown in front of Gabe. He already put up with so much.
“He doesnt hate you. I dont know where thats coming from.” Gabe pressed a fresh towel into my hands. Now they stung. I flinched and tried to pull away again.
“Stop, please.”
“Hold still.”
Jamie entered the flat, out of breath and nearly running. “Should I call an ambulance?”
“Im okay,” I told them both, feeling more numb than anything.
Gabe ignored my comment and spoke to Jamie, “No. But if you could drive I will try to keep him from doing further damage.”
“Im fine. Let me go.” Hysteria yanked me out of the numbness. I felt a lot like I had when Brock had tied me down. The same helplessness I had when my mother had locked me in that terrible white room, the loss of control. “Please,” I begged.
Gabe held me, keeping the towel pressed to my hands, and carried me to the car where he cradled me in his lap and whispered soft things, no matter how I struggled or protested. Human strength versus vampire, I had no chance of winning.
The hospital again. Id just left a few weeks ago. Recognized more than a handful of the doctors who came and went. When everyone had finally settled down, my hands were wrapped in heavy gauze, and I sat in the blooming-tree room set aside for powerful earth witches and tried to stop my heart from hammering. Gabe had not left my side.
Jamie had disappeared into the hallway when my mother appeared, dragging her away from me. Though I was already a trembling mass of goo long before she arrived.
The doctors hooked me up to several machines and painfully stuck me with some things that dripped through long tubes. Gabe couldnt touch the back of my hands since they were so heavily wrapped, but he did play with the hair on my forearms. He looked tired, and I just felt horrible disappointing him again.
“Im sorry,” I told him.
“For what?”
“Not being what you want.”
He smiled lightly, and it looked strained. “You are exactly what I want. Sh
ush.”
But I wasnt.
Jamie returned and motioned to Gabe to meet him in the hallway. “Be right back,” they told me.
I watched them argue outside the doors. Whatever they were talking about, Gabe didnt like. When they stopped, they both vanished briefly and returned with a nurse.
Her face was pinched and ready, a needle in her hand. Was she going to drug me? How much more could I take? She injected something into the IV attached to my arm. Gabe sat back down in his chair beside me. His fingers tickling my skin until my eyes grew too heavy to keep open.
Chapter Five
I DREAMTof the puppy that Id watched drown when I was seven. There had been nights that I felt like him. Floundering in the current, trying not to get dragged beneath the surface. Though I never could remember who had given him to me.
The dream turned to Brocks anger-filled cry as hed ripped the knife out of his back. The rage in his face made me scream until someone shook me awake. Coming out of the nightmare was almost as bad as being in it. I was still in a hospital bed, though the room looked different now. Jamie sat beside me, looking more tired than usual. But his presence meant it was after sunrise and Gabe couldnt be here. Else hed gotten tired of me. I hoped it was the former rather than the latter.
I tried to push my hair out of my face but found my wrists strapped down in padded leather cuffs. The heavy wrappings made my hands feel stiff, and they ached like a really bad sunburn.
“The doctors wont let us take them off until your hands heal a little,” Jamie whispered. He looked so lost.
“How long do you plan on keeping me here? Im not sick. The hospital needs its beds for sick people.” I couldnt keep the angry bite out of my words.
“You are sick, Seiran. Just a different kind of sick.” He blinked away tears. “This is a different kind of hospital. They help people with your kind of sickness.”
The meaning took awhile to sink through the fog of meds theyd injected into me. A mental hospital? “Im not crazy.”
“Nobody thinks you are.”
I yanked at the cuffs. “Then why am I strapped down?”