Without a Compass

by Helen Juliet

  Kai laughed happily as he hung off the car door and grinned down at him. “It’s good to see you, dude. I think I saw your car on the roadside before.”

  “Oh, really?” he stuttered.

  “Yeah,” said Kai. “Did your car have some trouble?”

  Riley blinked at him. He had a beard now, and it suited him. It definitely made him look older. Kai had felt once he’d gotten bigger with training, having a beard as well would make him look like some wild man, so he always stayed clean shaven. Riley’s looked like it would be soft to the touch though and it gave his jaw definition.

  “No, not really,” he said after a second. “Just SatNav finding its way. I-I can’t believe you’re here.”

  “I know,” Kai agreed.

  He was feeling gleeful and it honestly surprised him. He wouldn’t have said that he’d missed Brendon’s geeky little brother all that much, but here he was, brimming with excitement at the prospect of holidaying together. He did love making new friends, so perhaps it was just that Riley was old enough now, they could be friends too.

  “What’s it been, four years? Five?” he asked.

  For some reason, Riley looked flustered. He’d been a pretty highly-strung kid from what Kai remembered and would tend to get himself in a flap then clamp his mouth shut tight. He hoped he’d grown out of that; Kai didn’t want to make him uncomfortable like he did some other people. Surely, Riley had practically grown up alongside Kai, he knew he was a big softie really.

  “Yeah,” Riley replied. “Something like that. Brendon didn’t say you were coming.”

  Kai shrugged and leaned back again, his hands gripping the hot metal of the car door. “He only asked me last week. It’s cool you’ve come though! We’ve missed you the last couple of times.”

  He meant that, too. Riley brought a calm, quiet presence with him that Kai always used to appreciate. Even when he’d been out of his depth, he’d always tried his best, which Kai had admired. The fact that he’d come up to Cumbria to camp for a week attested to that.

  Riley absently picked up a few food wrappers to shove into a carrier bag nestled in between the blanket mountain on his passenger seat, then frowned up at him. “You didn’t come last year.” He shook his head and shifted in his seat. “I mean, to the retreat in Dorset or wherever it was. I don’t remember Brendon mentioning you being there.”

  “Erm.” Kai had to cast his mind back. “Oh, no, I guess not,” he admitted. “But the year before, and Brendon’s birthday, we missed you there for sure.”

  The bright lights of London probably had a lot more to offer than little Farnborough, Kai wasn’t ashamed to admit. It wasn’t that surprising Riley had been busy doing his own thing. But it seemed a shame that he’d not been to so many get-togethers. That’s what made it even better that he was here now, he decided. Hopefully, he’d grown out of that awkward teenage phase and they could all just hang.

  Riley rubbed his nose. It looked like he was maybe getting some freckles there. “Um, yeah, sorry. It’s nice to see you again.” He unscrewed a bottle of water to drain the last mouthful, and Kai noticed his knee was bouncing up and down. He looked a bit red-faced too, like he was uncomfortable.

  Kai frowned and took a step away. Maybe he was looming without meaning to. “So, you’re staying for the whole week?” he asked to change the subject.

  At that, he was relieved to see Riley laugh, the tension broken.

  “Yeah,” he said. He rubbed his beard, which was slightly redder than the rest of his dark blond hair. Then he jerked his thumb back and looked over his shoulder. “Can’t you tell?”

  Kai stooped and peered into the car to see it was packed to the roof and into every nook and cranny. “Whoa.” He whistled. “You don’t muck about, do you?”

  Riley shrugged. “I’m not very good at this, but I do remember the Scout motto.” He pinned his pinky down with his thumb and saluted by his temple with the other three fingers. “Be prepared.”

  Now it was Kai’s turn to laugh. Riley had affected such a serious face, as though he were making a solemn vow. “Yeah, nice,” he said, nodding. “Mind you, there’s prepared, and then there’s bringing the kitchen sink. What have you got in there?”

  Riley rubbed his fingers on the wheel and shifted in his seat again. Before he answered, he narrowed his eyes at the motor home parked in his way. Kai guessed that’s why he wasn’t stepping out of the car; he was waiting for them to come back so they could both move. But it was making Kai feel a bit uncomfortable hovering over him.

  “Mostly food,” Riley answered. “Clothes, bedding. I bought a new tent,” he added sheepishly, like it was embarrassing that he didn’t already have one. There probably weren’t many opportunities to use one in London though.

  Kai gave his shoulder a quick squeeze. “Well, I didn’t bring any food, so thank you. I’ll have to pay you guys back.”

  “Oh, no, that’s fine,” Riley stuttered. “It’s, just, for everyone. You know?” He offered him a shaky smile.

  Kai was starting to feel like he was making Riley nervous, which was a shame. But he smiled back as reassuringly as he could. He had a whole week to let Riley get to know him again and then hopefully he’d see that there’s was nothing to be wary of.

  “I appreciate it, I do. I only had one rucksack I could bring,” he explained. “Not much room for a Sainsbury’s order. So, I’ll find a way to make it up to you and your family.”

  Riley nodded then stared at his hands as they dropped into his lap. He appeared to physically shake himself and turned his head back towards Kai. “Cool, thank you. I’m sure I’m going to need some Bear Grylls type assistance before long.”

  That made Kai bark out a laugh. “You have a whole family for that,” he teased. But he had to admit he liked the idea of helping Riley out if he was struggling. “They’re not as good as me though,” he added with a wink. “Call on me anytime.”

  Kai couldn’t be sure over the sound of the music still quietly playing from the stereo, but he thought that Riley might have gulped. Kai chose not to get offended. If Riley found him intimidating now, he wouldn’t by the end of the week. He’d make sure of it.

  Riley smoothed his shorts down, then looked back up at the Winnebago and pointed with a long index finger. “So. Any idea who the tour bus belongs to?”

  Kai grinned. “Oh, I think they had to go get a special permit or something from the farm to give them permission to park it.” He rubbed the back of his neck. It was damn hot out. “You remember the twins?”

  Riley’s head whipped around. “The Grinter twins?” he asked. Although, how many twins did they know between them, really? “Daryl and Charlotte?”

  Cameron Grinter was the regional Scout leader for the area that Riley and Brendon’s dad ran his troop in, so it shouldn’t really have been a surprise that he’d be here. His twins were a couple of years younger than Kai, so that would make them a couple of years older than Riley.

  Kai wasn’t sure why Riley looked mildly alarmed, so he shrugged. “Yeah, I bet you haven’t seen them in a few years either?”

  Riley chewed on his lower lip, drawing Kai’s attention to his mouth. “I probably haven’t seen anyone in a while,” he admitted. “Apart from my family.” He sounded sad, but Kai thought he’d never really cared for Scouting, so he didn’t quite understand.

  “It’ll be just like old times then,” he said cheerfully. Riley smiled back at him, and his shoulders relaxed a fraction. Maybe he was anxious to be here, back with his dad’s friends. Kai thought they were all really nice, but Riley might not remember that. He was probably remembering the stuff he didn’t like; mainly the whole camping aspect.

  He felt a strong sudden protective urge. If that was the case, if Riley was feeling lost and apprehensive, Kai wanted to do whatever he could to make his life easier. He’d probably only braved this trip because it was Phil’s fiftieth birthday. Kai couldn’t imagine it was something he’d voluntary do for fun. Whereas Kai had jumped at the ch
ance to get out and immerse himself in nature again.

  Yes, he decided. He’d stick by Riley’s side, and make sure that by the end of the week he saw just how much fun camping could be.

  5

  Riley

  There were far too many thoughts flying through Riley’s head for him to possibly get a hold on any of them for more of a second.

  The largest, he supposed, was the one literally hovering beside him. Kai Brandt. What the fuck? He would kill Brendon for not telling him, but that might make it obvious how he felt about his brother’s best friend, and he wanted to avoid that if at all possible. Of all the people to have sprung on him this week…

  Riley had had plenty of awkward teenage crushes. Where he’d grown up in suburbia, it wasn’t particularly unexpected that most of those had been on straight guys. But having Kai hanging around with his brother all the time – at school and at home and at Scouts – it had intensified Riley’s lonely fantasies and put Kai on the top of his unattainable wish list.

  Time apart had done nothing to dampen the way his stomach fluttered at the sight of him. Especially not now he was here, chatting to Riley like they were old friends. Not like before, when he was just Brendon’s annoying little brother who always used to make a nuisance of himself trying to join in with the bigger boys’ games.

  He tried to think positively. Maybe this would be a nice chance to spend some time together as adults. If he could claim a small semblance of friendship with Kai independently of his brother, then it would be less weird for them to interact online. Just the odd liked photo or comment on a status would be nice. Really nice.

  What was not nice was the confirmation that the Grinter family were here, and were already giving him grief. While Kai chatted happily about what he knew a few of their old troop had been up to, Riley glowered at the motor home again. If he did so hard enough, maybe it would combust.

  He could have coped with seeing Cameron and Pamela; they’d never been particularly interested in speaking with weedy little Riley Anderson. They would, in all likelihood, almost totally ignore him.

  But Charlotte and Daryl? He repressed the wave of apprehension that rolled through him. It was fine. Kai was correct, it had been a long time since they had seen each other, and he would just have to act like certain things hadn’t happened. Or at least happened to somebody else.

  Anyway, Riley was a grown up now, he wasn’t a teenager afraid of opening his mouth for fear someone might notice him. He had a job, a good one. He lived in his own place and paid taxes and everything. He could handle a couple of less than favourable blasts from the past.

  Kai though. He’d have to be extremely careful there. Distance would most likely be key. If he stayed away from his old obsession, he would stand a chance of schooling his reactions. Friendly; they could be friendly, and that would be a vast improvement on anything they had had before.

  The start of that would be to dilute their company with more people.

  He waited until Kai finished cackling over something an old mate had got up to recently. He forgot how much he liked to laugh, like he was truly delighted by almost everything around him. Then he cleared his throat.

  “Um,” he said. He shielded his eyes as he looked up at Kai out of the window. “So, are my family here yet?”

  Kai shook his head and glanced around the rolling countryside. “I’ve only seen the Grinters so far.” He pulled his phone out of his shorts’ pocket and turned around until he could see his screen in the shade of his own, wide body. “Oh, yeah, Slady texted earlier.” He scanned the message. “Yeah, she and Brendon are a little behind your parents and Jake now, but they should all be here within the hour.”

  Slady – Gemma Haverslade – was Brendon’s girlfriend. They were travelling in a convoy with Riley’s parents and his younger brother Jake, with the aim of all arriving together. Riley frowned and detached his phone from the holder. “I haven’t had any messages.”

  “Oh,” said Kai. He leant inside the car, angling his head so he could look at Riley’s screen as well. It also meant he was suddenly much closer, with their shoulders only an inch or so apart. Riley’s brain froze. “Ah, see – look!” Kai pointed at one of the icons at the top of the screen. “You’ve turned off notifications.”

  Chagrin replaced panic, and Riley slunk down in his seat. “Oh yeah,” he mumbled. He flicked his thumb quickly over the various screens, turning several functions back on. “I wanted to save battery, for the SatNav.” He’d plugged it into the car’s cigarette lighter, but that only gave so much charge. For such a long journey, it was sensible to conserve as much juice as he could.

  At least once he turned the notifications on again he was rewarded with several messages pinging through where his family had been giving him updates on their progress. He smiled as he read through them. It looked like they’d got stuck for a while on the M6, but that was only to be expected around Birmingham on a Friday afternoon.

  When he looked up, Kai was still just as close. He probably had no idea of the effect he was having by simply leaning against his window. He knew Riley was gay – everyone did, it wasn’t a secret. But he more than likely didn’t realise that his mere presence turned Riley into gooand that he was currently dishing out a kind of torture by just standing next to him.

  “Yeah, you’re right,” he said for the sake of breaking the silence. He focused solely on his phone and not on Kai’s musk. “They should be here soon. It’d be nice to start getting unpacked before they arrive,” he added with a sigh. However, the motor home was still very much in his way and there was no sign of its owners.

  Kai was obviously thinking the same thing, as he drew his head back out of the car and peered around again, confirming there was still no one else in sight. “Well,” he said. “They arrived not long before you. They should be back soon I guess. I could go investigate what’s happening in the office?”

  As much as he knew it was inevitable, he’d rather put off seeing the Grinters until he absolutely had to. So Riley shook his head. He killed the ignition and the ensuing near-silence was immediately calming.

  “Thank you, but you’re right. They’ll probably be back shortly.” He unbuckled his seatbelt and arched his back. “I might just stretch my legs for a minute though.”

  Kai stood back to let him open the door, then switched his gaze to Riley’s extremely full car. He’d been a bit embarrassed by Kai’s reaction to how much he’d brought with him, but the truth was if he was going to brave several days in the wilderness, he needed to bring as much of home with him as he could possibly manage.

  Even though it hadn’t even been an hour since he’d stretched when he’d stopped to take his selfie, it was still pleasant to extend his arms and twist his back. When he stopped, he realised Kai was smiling at him. “What?” he muttered, suddenly self-conscious.

  “You got really long dude,” Kai said with a chuckle.

  There was warmth in his voice though, which Riley’s body naturally decided to try and turn into warmth in his crotch. Down boy!

  Kai pointed to his back seat. “Look,” he started. “Instead of hanging around, why don’t you start unloading, then you can just move your car in a bit? It’s not that far to walk.”

  Riley considered that for a moment. It put him out not following his plan; it made sense to park where he intended to keep the car for the week. But really, what did it matter? This week was more than likely going to push him out of his comfort zone several times over, so he might as well embrace the madness now.

  “Yeah,” he agreed, allowing himself to give Kai a small smile. “Yeah, that makes sense. Totally.”

  Kai clapped his hands together once. “Cool! Pop the boot then and I’ll grab the first bag.”

  Riley looked at him in surprise. He wanted to help him? That sent a thrill through him which was part excitement, part terror. “Oh, no,” he stammered. “I’m fine. You must have your own stuff to get on with.”

  Kai shrugged and shoved his ha
nds into the pockets of his cargo shorts. His thighs were like tree trunks, and his round calves were dusted with dark hair. Riley did his best not to shudder imagining what it might be like to get trapped between these legs.

  “I’m all done,” Kai told him cheerfully. “I really didn’t have that much with me. I’m happy to help.”

  The idea of working together for the next hour was a bit of an intimidating prospect. But if Riley was honest with himself he was excited for a chance to spend more time in Kai’s company with no one else around. “Sure,” he said with only the briefest hesitation. “That would be brilliant. Thank you.”

  Apparently his plan to avoid too much contact with his crush was going to have to be put on hold for just a little while longer.

  6

  Riley

  Riley’s dad had made a block booking, and Kai had arrived early to shotgun what he deemed to be the best area for them all. His tent was a huge rectangular thing with multiple guy ropes and enough storage inside to hold all his gear. Riley hoped he wouldn’t think the one he’d bought was pathetic. But Riley had specifically gone for one that was easy to assemble. He’d planned on stashing quite a bit in his car too, so storage wasn’t an issue. If he’d have known he’d have a big, strapping man to sort out his poles, he might have been more adventurous with his choice.

  He shook his head. He couldn’t have afforded a bigger one anyway and if Kai judged him for having a wussy tent, so be it. Kai had been an exemplary Scout, joining his father, brother and their troop in every activity going. Riley had heard tales of his white water rafting, sky diving and rock climbing escapades. He was a gold standard for the hunter-gatherer type. As much as that made Riley weak at the knees, it also reminded him of his own shortcomings.

  Kai didn’t say one word though as they pulled the tent from its bag. Riley had deliberately packed that last so it was the first thing to come out of the car. He set to work right away putting it up.